Monday, 30 November 2009

Revenge of the killer rabbits and naked Ted

So after wounding Rob's er... baubles he has kind of declared war. I am not sure if I prefer this to the flirting. Seeing as he only has a month left he seems to have made sleeping with me his number one goal. I have told him a million times it is not going to happen but he has upped the flirting 100% which seems to be annoying both Andi and Jamie.

I think something might have happened between Andi and Rob but I don’t know how to ask her. I have seen her looking rather red eyed though and have emailed her saying I am here if she needs to talk.

In the meantime today has been interesting. I arrive late as usual only to find someone changed my desktop to a screensaver with a scary rabbit. I promptly starting screaming and run to the other side of the room and hit until Simon changes it for me. I try to go back to my desk with some dignity but everyone is still laughing and then to make matters worse I fall off my shoes.

Don’t you love Mondays?

The days carries on being kind of crappy. I have to give a marketing update in the sales meeting. It is just in front of the guys so not too scary but I still don’t like presentations.

I like them even less when I open up my folder find starring back at me a very well endowed naked man with Teds face photo shopped onto him. It has the message “Hellooooo Dolly” underneath it.

I give a small squeal but try and cover this up with a fake cough.
Ted is giving me a funny look but luckily doesn’t say anything. Unfortunately the picture has had some effect in that every time I look at Ted I blush and the more I try not to the redder I can feel myself going.

“All okay Katie?” Jamie asks, “You look a bit hot and bothered.”

Is murder at work ever justified?

Friday, 27 November 2009

Cokehead boss and baubles taking a hit

Poor Jay, he seems to have gone further and further into a cocaine filled haze these days. I would feel sorry for him if he wasn't such an asshole. He has been basically threatening all of us with having to work Christmas even and new years even and he has been dangling the promises of a bonus above us. We have a sweepstake in what this will actually be. Jamie thinks 50p.

Jay is so rich and removed from this world he has no idea about having to pay rent and thinks we all dress shabbily as we can't afford designer labels and this from a man who chooses to wear braces?

Jay walked down today with a bounce in his step. I inwardly groaned Jay makes even less sense when he is high.
"Katie I have an idea." He announced. "We take pictures of all of us and create a card on our website. We could make all our heads dance. Start to arrange the pictures. Theres a good Katie."
I glare at his back as he saunters out the office doing alittle jig by the door.

"So your doing a photoshot eh good Katie?" Rob says.
"Shut up." I say
"So you getting your baubles out for this?" He says
"Say that again and you won't be using yours." I say.
" I don't need to say but I can imagine.. ouch" He says as I kick him. Yep in the balls.

Mean or deserved?

Jamie and Simon burst out laughing and Rob hops around for a bit groaning.

I get the feeling Rob is plotting revenge already...

Wednesday, 25 November 2009

HR nightmare, Ted losing his hair and red cheeks

There are days when I think Ted is clueless. And other days when I recieve concrete proof.

He announced this morning "I am so sick of bloody job interviews. I never want to see another candidate in my life."
Unfortunately for Ted Rob quitting means he needs to line up a new person pronto so Rob can train him while he is still here.

Poor Ted has been looking stressed and is bullying Simon about interview techniques and impressions after one candidate withdrew his application following a lengthy chat with Ted.
"So during your interview did I come across well?" He demands to Simon
"Um yeah I think so." Simon says looking a bit pink. Jamie grins.
"And you enjoyed it then? And learnt a lot of industry gold?" Ted continues.
Jamie and I both silently shake trying not to laugh.
Simon goes redder and nods umcomfortably at which point Rob takes pity and says, "Leave the poor boy alone Ted he is hardly going to tell his boss if the interview was crap."

Hello Ted this is reality calling - nice to meet you.

Ted looks taken aback and says very seriously,"Simon I and in fact the team, THE TEAM need your honest feedback. Do it for the team."

Jamie Rob and I all laugh simultaneously - good to see who has their minds in the gutter.

Simon sighs and says "Really it was fine."
"Total honesty Simon." Ted says, "feedback and evaluation for the TEAM we should all strive for self improvement. Even experienced managers like me."
"Well I thought that perhaps telling me about your past job history and qualifications for an hour and a half was a little too much." Simon says quietly. "I really liked the pub part though." He adds.

Ted looks shocked by the criticism but recovers quickly.
"Anything else you think I could have sold better?" He says
Simon grins, "well you could have told me Marketing likes to flash occasionally.
I throw my book at him

Come on now children," Ethan says, "How about you do a quick one hour interview Ted and then we have an evening to meet them? Saves everyones time"
Ted nods, "Sounds like a plan, I'm looking to hire someone before Christmas so I figure it will have to be a man."
"Why?" I protest. "I am sick of being outnumbered."
"Can you really see Rob training a hot young dolly without a sexual harassment suit? "
Jamie laughs, "He has you there mate."

He does but dolly? Seriously? Good job we don't have an HR department

Monday, 23 November 2009

Resignations and challenges

So why are you leaving? We all ask. repeatedly

Rob has insisted that we all buy the first round before we he is saying a word. As annoying as this is I also admire his style. The man certainly knows how to get what he wants.

"Have you got a new job?" Jamie says
"Or are you just going for a pay rise?" Ethan interjects.
Rob laughs “No I am 100% serious guys."
We are all quiet for a moment – the office without Rob?
“But why?” Jamie finally asks.

"Well after breaking up with my girlfriend it got me thinking, I'm 32 and I've been working since I was 16 and mostly in sales. One morning I just thought you know what I want something different. I want more fun while I am single and uncommitted and still have all my own hair. So I decided to book a round the world trip."

"Oh my God you’re actually serious. So when are you flying out?" I say stunned.
"I leave for Hong Kong on the 5th January."

We all are quiet for a moment. Rob can drive me mad on occasions but he is good fun and we will all be really sorry to see him go.
"So are you going to have a leaving do?" Jamie asks
Rob grins, "Do you know me at all mate? Not even just one. I was thinking something along the lines of the twelve drinks of Christmas…. You guys up to it"
The guys cheer
"Besides I know you all want as much of me as possible while I’m still around.” He says giving me a look
I roll my eyes and Ron leans in and gives me a hug, "You know you'll miss me when I am gone."
"Cut out groping me" I say.

The others look up,
"Don't get excited." I say, “It's his thing he gives you a hug and makes sure your chest is pressed against him."
"I feel so left out" said Simon with his best injured look. “What’s wrong with my chest.” We laugh
"Ah the old boob brush." Jamie says. “Tried and tested”
“You two are disgusting.” I say

“Maybe but the ladies love me.” Rob gins
“By ladies do you mean prostitutes?” I ask "Because I am sorry to tell you this but it is not love it’s just money.”
Rob laughs sand punches me lightly "Can you go an hour without being a smartass?"
“Can you go an hour without being a sleaze?" I retort
"See what I mean?" The guys laugh. Traitors.

“Maybe we should make a competition of it.” Ethan suggests.

Now this could liven up the week... just need to think of what he has to do when he loses.....

Monday, 16 November 2009

Poking the beast aka Ted and Rob drops a bombshell

I think I might have pushed Ted a little further than was fair. He’s still on a major drive to try and motivate the sales team. This includes him standing up and cheering whenever sales come through and now he has decided to hold a weekly meeting on Monday mornings. He initially wanted to hold it at 8:30am so it wouldn't cut into work time. I pointed out that if it didn’t cut into work time did that mean it was optional so the conclusion was it begins at 10am.

Considering I am marketing and not sales I feel a little annoyed at having to go along to another sales meeting.

"Right TEAM" Ted barks at us all - I think he is trying to be motivational but he just looks red and a little sweaty. "I want you all to sell sell sell this week and beat every target."
I sigh I feel tempted to ask if I should market market market but I think he might say yes.

"So TEAM." Ted continues, "Are we ready to be the best we can be this week?"
I sigh and see Simon and Jamie both sniggering across the table and Ethan looking impatient.
"So let’s start with Ethan." Ted booms, "Board Leader again, you are the one to beat so show the guys how to do it."
Ethan sighs and says mildly, "Well I could tell them my sales pitch but to be honest I would rather just get on the phone and earn my commission." He looks around and adds, "Of course if anyone really does want to know more I am happy to let you listen to my calls or give you feedback on yours."
"Great answer Sales man number one." Says Ted clearly not having listened to a word of it. Ethan rolls his eyes.
Ted then turns to me “Now you Kate how are you planning to smash your targets today?"
"Well I don’t work in sales so I wasn't." I say.
"That's not the attitude.” Ted responds. “How do you intend to bring in revenue?"
I sigh “I have some promotional campaigns to analysis today so I can look at future revenues."
"No." says Ted. “Revenue today, how do you intend to bring in money today?"
"I think I will have a sandwich for lunch." I respond.
Ted looks confused and I smirk. Ha that finally got through to him.
"Kate I asked a question." Ted says,
"And I ignored it and moved on." I say.
I got the ears to go purple before 10am - new record and I know I shouldn’t poke the beast but he makes it too easy…

After Ted has finished glaring at me he turns to Rob, "So what are you planning on doing today Rob?" He asks.
Rob smiles lazily. "Well I was planning on resigning."
Mine Jamie's and Ethan’s jaws all drop… what the ...
"Here's my letter" Rob says.

The meeting promptly finishes and Jamie and I grab Rob with the words "Pub lunchtime tell us what is going on!"

Friday, 13 November 2009

Pub conversations, party preparation

So Kate out of me Rob and Simon which would you?" Jamie asks?

I sigh, "Must we have this again?"

Andi laughs and says “Personally I could never sleep with Jamie." She gives him a hug before saying, "He's like my little brother..... but then I couldn't kill him so it would have to be a boring sexless marriage."

"So who are you shagging then? Rob or Simon?" Rob asks.

She looks a little embarrassed and says, "Well Simon is kinda young for me..."

Rob looks pleased with himself and I give Andi a bit of a look....I have noticed her and Rob seeming very close recently....not that I would mind except for Andi's fiancée. I also know her and her fiancée have been rowing a lot. I lean over and whisper, “Careful remember what he uses to think with.”
She laughs and squeezes my hand.

"So how about you Kate?" Rob asks smugly? “Fancy a shag as well. I know you ladies can’t resist me."
Jamie glares at him "I am pretty sure even Kate is smarter than that!"
"What’s that supposed to mean?" I demand?"
"Just answer the question." He says tensely who do you prefer me or Rob?"

I glare

"Fine I just pushed you both of the cliff and shagged Simon twice."

Jamie glares and stomps off to the bar while Rob laughs.

Simon who has gone a bit pink smiles at me and whispers" I finally survived the cliff drop."

"So why are we on this topic again anyway?" I ask when Jamie returns carrying a tray and lots of drinks and apparently tequila shots.

Rob and Jamie look a little embarrassed.

"You have to tell us now." I say

Rob and Jamie give each other looks before Rob replies, "Well we were talking about the Christmas party the other day...."

I'd forgotten this was coming. The Christmas party or how to make a complete idiot of yourself in front of all your work colleagues.

As Rob goes to the mens room Jamie says to me "So if I was single and there was mistletoe.... hypothetically."
I blush, "So hypothetically how much have I been drinking?" I ask. Jamie smiles and looks pleased with himself. Oh God this is a bad bad bad idea.

Kate's Christmas party do's and don'ts
  1. Do not drink too much - this leads to even more clumsiness, embarrassing conversations, suggestions that your boss dresses up as a giant avocado and lowered inhibitions. None of these are a good idea.
  2. Do not under any circumstances do anything with a work colleague.
  3. If you do break rule 2 at least go outside where no one can see you and hence take the piss for years.
  4. Do not have any wardrobe malfunctions.
  5. Do not talk to Ted - you will end up fired.
  6. Do not revenge flirt with anyone no matter how much provocation.
  7. In fact do not flirt.

Think I can manage any of these?

Wednesday, 11 November 2009

Big boss, and reasons to leave your drug habit at home

Today I have been preparing for my Christmas promotion which has actually been a lot of fun. I get to give away champagne to all prized subscribers and go and buy gifts for them. This sounds like fun but unfortunately I have to go with Jay to choose them which is not.

Jay is the CEO - über posh and über annoying. The last meeting I had with him he made a joke about all the minions earning 30K or less. In retaliation I may have spat in his tea...... Yeah I know immature but the man is moron. And incredibly scary I always seem to stammer like an idiot around him.

However today he has brightened the atmosphere, not intentionally. As we are all sat at our desks in a rare moment of working (Yes these do happen) Jay bounces in. Literally. He can’t keep still and is doing a weird little jig.

"Ah the young sales team good good good." He proclaims in his prince Charles-esque nasally voice
We all look up at him. Jay's announcements are dull as hell but we know to pay careful attention or risk being shouted at.

"Everyone is a young vibrant team member here!" Jay says importantly, "And you all have the potential for greatness.Expanding to greatness in the publishing world. Little Acorns Mighty Oak Trees Grow and you are all acorns with potentials to launch that ship."
I glance at Ted and see his ears beginning to go red. After ten more minutes of listening to Jay spout rubbish Ted takes him upstairs for a brief meeting.

When Ted returns free of Jay Simon says,
"Hey Kate do you have any coke in your desk? I'm kind of thirsty?"
I splutter trying not to laugh and Jamie replies, "I have some Simon, I am a complete addict."
"Thanks." Simon smooths his blonde hair his face the picture of innocence.
"You know it is near Christmas." Rob says with a smirk, Anyone got a favourite song?"
"It's got to be Dreaming of a White Christmas" I reply.

Jamie grins, I prefer the more modern stuff, "White stripes anyone?"
"Will you lot shut the F*ck up?" Ted suddenly shouts.

Surreptitiously I glance at my emails - there is one from Laura sent an hour ago saying "Look out for Jay, he got a delivery this morning and has been high as a kite ever since."

Pros and Cons of having a boss with a blatant coke addiction:
  • Pros: He never notices when we are slacking as he spends a lot of the time out of it
  • Cons: He is prone to mood swings and scariness.
  • Pros: he isn't around much.
  • Cons: If he puts all the companies money up his nose it might go bust.
  • Con: Ted has more power when he is on another planet.
Quick reminder as well anyone that won a prize Here needs to email me their address. Email


Monday, 9 November 2009

Red thongs, blushing wars, and think before speaking

Hmmm Ted has obviously been told by Jay to motivate everyone more. The sales are down and Ted is trying to push. So far he has attempted to introduce a round of applause for every sale, a twenty pound win for the board leader and occasional bouts of cheering.

This morning as he comes into the office he sings "Scooby Dooby Doo" and then points and winks.
I ask him politely if he is drunk from last night which does not go down at all well.

Ted then tries to give us a big speech,
"Team remember you have to be the best sales team you can be!" He says chest heaving with emotion.
"Seize your targets and smash them."
I have been preparing to make a sarcastic comment towards this but unfortunately lean back in preparation of my own wit and instead fall backwards off my chair.

While I seem to do fall over a lot this was pretty spectacular... and a bad day to wear a bright red thong. As the team explodes with laughter I pick myself up blushing. Hopefully they will be too polite to comment.

"Wow Kate you've gone as red as hmmmm maybe a pair of very red pants." Jamie says wickedly. "Wouldn't you agree Simon?"
Simon goes bright red as well now we look like the tomato twins.

Great I just flashed two work colleagues. I'm like an unpaid stripper I'm doing it for free.
"Kate I think you embarrassed Simon." Rob observes.
"No I'm fine its all fine." Simon stammers going even redder.
"I don't think Simon liked your underwear Kate." Jamie says.

I glare at him, "Look can you all just get your heads out of my pants." I shout.

I did not just say that.....
" mean," I say weakly but now everyone is laughing too hard to notice. Even Ethan and Simon....

I think I just took the lead in the blushing war with Simon...

Friday, 6 November 2009

Who we are quiz, pay it forward and the colour of Ted's underwear...

Okay I lied. Ted's underwear will not get a mention. A while ago I took part in a pay it forward game where someone sends you something nice and then you pay it forward. (Edit this is not to do with that Haley Joel Osment film that child terrifies me)

I thought it might be fun to do a bit of a version of my blog - but make it into a bit of a quiz because I'm bored and that sounded fun.

  • Only one prize per person
  • UK delivery only (sorry but I'm poor)
  • Try and do something nice for someone else if you win.
Prizes to be won include:
  • The Kate package: More suitable for women kind of girly with the odd weird addition
  • The Rob: For the ladies man who likes to drink a lot
  • The Simon: For the all around nice man or woman
  • The Jamie: For the sports loving player type
  • The Andi: The fun and down to earth one
  • The Ted: For the wannabe micro manager
  • The Ethan: For the big brother types
To win one of these just give the right answer to the person you want to win. (they are all in the blog somewhere)
  • To win Kate: How much do I get paid? Won by Lizzie Loves..
  • To win Simon: How many beers did he drink in the pub interview?
  • To win Jamie: Who when annoyed at him nicknamed him Gaymie? Won by plentymorefishoutofwater
  • To win Rob: Does he want to be Beavis or Butthead? Won by bedshaped
  • To win Ted: What is the best Teddism?
  • To win Ethan: What was on his socks that upset Ted? Won by I am Roszs. Hear me ROAR. Miaow
  • To win Andi: Who did she team up with in the latest prank war? Won by Hiding Myself From Me
And here is a short reminder of who everyone is:

Kate: That's me!

Jay – The CEO – a complete snob who loves to talk down to you.

Andi – American admin manager.

Jamie –The cute sales man.

Rob – Salesman and extreme charmer.

Ethan – The office big brother

Simon: the New sales junior, sweet and nice but desperate to prove he is not a total innocent at the moment.

Ted - A.k.a Mr Motivator. Oh dear.

May – Sensible and on occasions scary. Rob and Jamie are bother terrified of her. I think she is great.

Stee - Graphic designer.

Laura - Poor accountant who is stuck working alone with Jay. Very scatty and on the rare occasions she joins us for drinks a lot of fun

Thursday, 5 November 2009

Ted updates me on Arthur and I am a bad employee

Ah the meeting with Arthur. Ted says we need to have a chat this afternoon.

Unfortunately I remember some of my ideas included:
  • Suggesting we had more attractive people on the covers of our magazines and books. I seem to remember I also went into a ten minute rant about mullet man feature last week
  • Making Ted dress up as an piece of fruit once a week
  • Making a few reader quizzes with decent prizes rather than just subscriptions to our stuff. Yes I think those were my actual words.
So I am pretty nervous when Ted takes me into the meeting room.

He clears his throat importantly and says" "Arthur has spoken in depth to Jay about you."
I blush and try to look innocent and wrongfully accused.
Ted looks at me oddly, "Are you all right Katie - you looked a bit deranged."

Oh God I think - stop looking deranged. I can feel myself getting redder and I know I am doing a weird scary starry smile.
"I'm fine." I stammer looking at the floor and trying to stop myself turning into a human tomato.

"Anyway," Ted says clearly deciding being alone in a room with a crazy woman is a bad plan. "Arthur was hugely impressed by your ideas and enthusiasm. So much so he wants you to join our management meetings."

Arthur was impressed I think utterly stunned. Was he drunk too? Then I realise what Ted has said. Management meetings. I look up in horror. These are the most boring meetings in the history of the world

"Are you sure?" I say "I mean I'm not type."
Good one Kate
"Yes." Says Ted glaring, "Believe me it's not my decision."
"So do I have to do anything?" I ask nervously.
"Not much Ted says, "The occasional presentations, take notes and try not to be a smart ass.You might want to practise that. Extensively."

I hate him.

Wednesday, 4 November 2009

Ted is the boss, and revenge pranks

So while Ted ans Ethan are in a meeting I decide they best way to take my mind of what impression I gave to Arthur is to concentrate on revenge. Specifically for Rob. I love him but the man must pay for the double incident.

I grab Simon in the kitchen and enlist him. Simon has some interesting ideas he seems a good person to get on side. We start out waiting until Rob goes to the toilet and double team him. I quickly soak his chair so he will get wet when sitting down and Charlie prints out a note.

Rob is known for taking a while in the toilet so after five minutes Simon and I slip a note under the door. It says
"We know you're wanking in there."

We hear Rob laughing from inside and Andi and May come over to see the commotion. Andi immediately decides to join in but teams up with Rob. (Traitor)
May smiles and warns us to be careful Ted doesn't spot us when he gets back. Rob and Andi pay us back by swapping letters on our keyboards and it all descends to a nice game of office cricket when Ted gets back.
May spots him first and calls us and we are all sitting serenely in our desks by the time he returns.

Ted looks around, "Been working hard all?" He asks
"How was the meeting?" Rob asks Ethan. Ethan smirks, "They liked my socks and I got a signed contract for two months sales.
WE applaud Ethan and Ted looks a little sour.

Monday, 2 November 2009

Teds back, sock rows and bad news....

So to recap last week was an unqualified disaster. I think I hit a whole new level of stupidity in how not to get promoted - achievements included:
  • Not making Jamie jealous 
  • Making a complete idiot of myself in front of date who actually turned out to be very sweet - I now have to go to a different coffee shop 
  • Getting drunk before meeting the important shareholder
  • Kicking the printer so hard I think I might have broken a toe
  • Arson at Zizzi’s
  • Following the arson incident admitting what happened on the date to the guys.... who laughed
  • Then splitting an entire tub of cheer up cookies and cream ice cream with Andi. The ice cream was a cheer up present from Rob. Very sweet but I am still plotting revenge for the G&T's
  • This week must do better must be professional and aloof and not embarrass self. Today is starting off badly. For one thing Ted is back and blustering around. I arrive (late as usual 9:20 – not too bad….) to find Ted and Ethan having a blazing row.

    “But the smallest thing could make a difference to the sale” Ted insists. Ethan sighs clearly trying to remain calm, "Well how about if I don’t make a sale we can ask them afterwards if the four-leaf clovers are the reasons for not signing? I think it is unlikely don't you?" Ted frowns "Ethan it is just we have to convey an image of complete professionalism and your socks are frivolous" "Well the clovers on my socks must be bring me luck." Ethan retorts "Seeing as I am top of the sales board again."

    Ouch. It is very unlike Ethan to ever lose his temper or be anything but nice and friendly even to Ted but I can see his point. Ethan is one of the best salesmen. In fact they all seem to have very high figures. Except Ted that is....

    After they calm down I settle myself onto some promotions and pretend that I arrived on time. Ted and Ethan are gathering up their belongings when as Ted leaves he says, "Oh Kate that reminds me I need to talk to you about your meeting with Arthur." Arthur is the shareholder.... the one I met whilst a drunken idiot. Oh crap