Friday, 26 February 2010
I arrive to work and yes I am late but ted has gone on a new get fit routine. I have a theory his wife is forcing him so every morning Ted arrives at 8am changes into jogging gear, goes for a run in Green Park and comes in late and stinky holding a bacon sandwich. Oh Ted.
So I arrive at half nine and Ted doesn't even know - score.
"Afternoon" Fishy calls snidely.
I ignore him and move with dignity towards my desk. Unfortunately I managed to knock a huge pile of files over. Damn. I kneel over to pick them up.
"What are you wearing on your knees Kate?" Ethan asks.
"My plasters?" I say confused.
"You have Cinderella plasters?" Fishy says, "Are you three?"
I blush "Simon got them for me after my concussion."
"With strict instructions to stop needing them every week." Simon laughs.
"You'll be jealous if you cut yourself." I say to Fishy.
"Why because he can't look like an idiot too?" Jamie says shooting me a dirty look before storming out. I sigh.
"What is up with him at the moment?" Ethan asks.
"I think I've annoyed him." Simon says looking worried, "He's been funny with me for a while."
"It could be Kate rejecting all the cute girls from the interview." Fishy says.
I look up, "What are you on about Fishy, you're making even less sense than usual."
Fishy smiles, "Jamie told me whenever a pretty girl goes along you reject her. Jealous much?"
"Are you high?" I say.
I think back to the interviews we had two attractive girls one who said she would only take the job for a salary of 30K (We have 18K to offer.) and one who I really liked up until the end of her interview.
"Why did you leave your last job?" I asked
"Well I didn't get on with my boss." She admits.
I can sympathise Ted drives me mad on occasions I think
"You see I really can't work with women." She carries on.
I think my jaw actually dropped. Then I got paranoid that maybe she thought I was a man. Anyway she was a no from me and I stand by it.
At this point the smell of Ted distracts me from killing Jamie Fishy and possibly an innocent bystander.
"Morning Team Sales!" He booms, "How are we all today? Ready to make money money money?"
The team mutter unenthusiastically and I glare.
"Oh your interviewee is waiting upstairs by the way Kate. Are you and Jamie ready?"
I text Jamie, Interviewee is here, stop acting like a five year old girl and get your arse back NOW
Great an hour stuck in a small meeting room with my soon to be ex. Office romances are a bad move.
Monday, 22 February 2010
- Received over 100 job applications from the guardian job advert - wow
- Seen five people for interviews
- Fallen over three times
- Fallen over once in front of another person - score!
- Ended up an a passionate moment
- Which then resulted in a half deflated air bra - not a look I would recommend
- Realised after an hour of walking around with an uneven chest that I could have just removed the other pad.
- Tried to break up with Jamie twice and failed both times
- Realised I am a moron.
Interviewee number one
Short guy with a goatee. (Goatees for me lose a point automatically)Turns up in jeans and a shirt with what looked like ketchup on it. I also think he might have been stoned. Jamie and I spent half an hour trying to get some sense out of him and then ten minutes laughing once he had left.
Interviewee number two
Rather tomboyish girl turns up wearing a suit - Jamie and I knuckle punch under the table (knuckle punch means points thumb grab means minus.) She seems nice, laughs at Jamie's feeble joke about not having to be mad to work here. As she gets up to leave Jamie raises his eyebrows at me and I smile - we think we have found our girl. As she leaves we both shake her hand and then she lets out the belch to end all belches. I blush instantly mortified for her. She laughs, "If I get the job you'll be hearing that a lot." She says.
Jamie and I look at each other when she has left. "No!"
Friday, 12 February 2010
However I get back to my desk after lunch to the email.
"Hi Kate C, thanks for setting up a profile on our site - we look forward to matching you up with available lesbians soon."
Er what the hell?
"Who added me to a lesbian dating site?" I shout, "Because I am going to kill you."
Simon and Jamie both start laughing and Ethan looks torn between amusement and disapproval
"Jamie?" I accuse, he shakes his head laughing
"I wish I'd thought of it." He says
Fishy glares at me, "Don't look at me, I enjoy my lesbian fantasies having you there would ruin it."
Ouch a slightly uncomfortable silence falls before Ethan says, "Kate i think you are forgetting the obvious culprit, Rob?"
"Oh right." I say.
"And give it a rest Fishy." Ethan says, "I mean it."
I smile at gratefully at Ethan.
At that point Ted decides to come out of the meeting room - he has been holed up in there all day.
"I have a task for my new management team," He says gloatingly. "Jamie Kate, you will be writing a job description for our new member of staff. But don't worry I felt it was unfair to leave my two minions without a little of my guidance" He beams giving us a printed sheet.
I see Fishy smirking and swear at him behind Ted's back.
Jamie and I wander into the meeting room and I am quickly distracted by "Oh Sh*t"
"Whats wrong?" I say
He groans have you seen Ted's description.
I look over and feel my stomach drop
Superstar Sales and Marketing wannabe
We need someone full of energy with a degree, preferably two years experience and a strong work ethic,. They must be willing to put in all the extra hours we need, sell when needed to and assist with all marketing and admin. The job will include overseas travel and exciting progression.
Jamie and I give each other a look
"Overseas travel?" I ask
"I know and have you seen the salary?"
The salary is 18K
"So how are we going to break it to Ted that he is living in a dream world?" I ask
"Over this or just in general?" Jamie says.
I laugh, "We could just re-write it to something sensible?"
We sit and work for a bit and I begin to relax. Things aren't tense between us I think, it's fine he doesn't even care any more.
Which takes me even more by surprise when he suddenly kisses me.
I get the feeling kissing in a meeting room might not be maintaining my professional exterior
Wednesday, 10 February 2010
Ted sighs, "Yes I am speaking to Jay about your new package."
"Great. Can I suggest a big raise." I smile as sweetly as I can manage
Ted laughs, "You can suggest it." (Damn my smiles are clearly not effective or persuasive)
I smile harder - my face kind of hurts, "If I promise to be really nice to you can I get one?"
Ted laughs, "That's up to Jay and off the record the man is the biggest cheapskate you'll ever meet."
I sigh "So what do you think I'll get."
"I'll try and get you around 26K" he promises
"Twenty seven would make me even nicer." I say hopefully.
He laughs, "Don't push it girlie."
Ted quickly stops off and grabs a sandwich and I dash ahead to gloat.
"I'm a marketing manager now!" I call at the sales team,
The guys and Andi give me a hug and Fishy looks horrified
Fishy glares at me, "You have to be joking?"
"Nope" I say smugly
Fishy scowls, "So does this mean you are going to be on time now?"
I smile "Still suffering with SMS I see."
"Okay I'm going to bite." Simon says, "SMS?"
"No." I explain, "It's short man syndrome, affecting males with size complex, they over compensate by being mean. Actually it has been found this makes it worse and causes erectile dysfunction. The poor short men."
Fishy rolls his eyes, "I'll stop being mean when you say something intelligent or do something useful."
I shrug, "I thought the whole point of being a manager is to get less done and steal other people success."
Fishy smirks, "Hi Ted." He calls behind me, "Kate was just talking about you."
I blush and Ethan and Simon seem torn between looking sympathetic and amused
Ted rolls his eyes, "When you have finished trying to be witty can you and Jamie come through to the meeting room I need a word."
Jamie and I exchange guilty looks - what have we managed to do now.
Ted sits us down and says seriously "You two are going to be my new team. I need Sales and Sales support" (Marketing I mutter) Ted ignores me, "110% focused on the job. Therefore we are creating a new role. The new person will take over some of the easy renewal sales from Jamie and assist Kate with the marketing."
"Sounds like a great idea." Jamie says.
Ted nods "And to give you two a bit more responsibility you will be joint interviewing all applicants. I will have the final say. So I need you two to work closely together this week and come up with a plan of action. Go Team Sales!"
Hmmm I am beginning to think that snogging Jamie last week was an even worse move than I thought....
Monday, 8 February 2010
"Seriously Kate what is your problem today?"
"I'm attracted to deeply effeminate men" I reply
He glares at me, "It was just a kiss Kate, didn't know it was going to turn you into a total bitch."
Ouch and I think I deserved it.
I sigh, "I'm sorry I just have the meeting with Ted coming up and I don't want to give Fishy more ammunition so I am doing my aloof innocent thing."
Jamie gives me a look, "You're not acting aloof trust me. Try acting normal. It may be a stretch I know."
"Okay point taken." I say. "Friends?"
"Yeah but you and I are talking later. Good luck with Ted and try not to jump on him."
Great just great. Note to self must engage brain more.
I sit and brood until a loud voice booms "Ready Katie Kins?"
Must not be mean to Ted right before my work evaluation. I will let the Katie kins go for now.
Ted takes me to a coffee shop and looks at me. I am splitting your evaluation into five sessions, Attitude, Ability, Passion and the X Factor, then I will give you mine and Jay's overall recommendations".
I consider breaking into a verse of song at this but bite my tongue.
The evaluation turns out easier than i expected. Ted seems quite happy to just talk to himself and I am quite happy to let him.
"And the example?" I look up - Ted has clearly just asked a direct question. Rare.
"I was just considering the best one to use." I say
"Well passion is an important part of life." He says beaming. "So I need examples of you displaying passion in the team."
Really not the question I needed today. I blush more take a gulp of coffee and then choke. And carry on choking and wheezing until tears start streaming - not the impression I wanted to create. Ted whacks me on the back a few times and I eventually stop spluttering.
Unfazed Ted carries on
"So from next week we are promoting you to Marketing Manager."He says
I look up shocked. "Seriously me? Why?" I say I should not have said that out loud
Ted laughs, "That was what exactly what I said to Jay and Arthur."
Oh... well who cares what he thinks. I got promoted!
Thursday, 4 February 2010
So far between us we are guilty of:
One drunk managing to fall asleep on the train home
A lost mobile phone
One drunken kiss
One bag vomited on
One Rob walking off into the sunset
One snail stepped on accidentally
One case of tears after realising they committed snail murder
To start with Fishy - how the mighty have fallen. He is rather quiet and a little subdued about the previous evening.
"So did you make it home okay?" Simon asks.
Fishy looks a little embarrassed.
After some prompting by Ethan he admits he managed to fall asleep on the train home - miss his stop and when he did get off he dropped his phone on the train.
"Well just call your number." Ethan says, "Then whoever has it can hopefully leave it somewhere for you."
Fishy calls and we all listen. He explains rather sheepishly that he lost his phone and looks momentarily horrified.
"Whats up?" Simon asks.
Fishy looks at his feet and the admits, "He asked me to please not fall asleep on him this time."
Ethan laughs, "Well it could have been worse - Simon managed to throw up all over his bag."
"Ew." I say, "Nasty."
Simon blushes, "Thought you agreed not to share that." He says.
Ethan laughs, "I like being the only one who can hold their drink."
Fishy looks up, "So what else happened?"
"Kate killed a snail." Simon says.
"Shut up." I shout
"Do you remember crying over it for ten minutes." He says, "And then making up a song you called lament to a squashed snail."
I make a face at him.
"Right tea round!" I say.
"Remember we have a meeting in an hour to discuss your performance." Ted calls
"Don't make me do the dance of joy." I shout back.
"So are we going to talk about Friday?" My workmate asks...
EDIT - After requests I am adding what I remember of lament to a snail... it goes to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody
Simon... I just killed a snail
Why don't I look before I tread? Now that little snail is dead.
Snail just a little chap,
But now I've gone and squashed you all flat
Didn't mean to make you die
This is a rough version of the original. It was probably very slurred.....
Tuesday, 2 February 2010
For Robs leaving do - we surprise surprise go to the pub. Rob has decided the leaving do should involved lots of tequilla shots so we are all feeling rough
Simon and I have hatched a plan to get Fishy to embarass himself. It5 involves making him drink a lot. We never said it was sophisticated!
Fishy has drunk a lot of wine and is now slurring.
"Thiiish company is crazy" He says, "You are all mad."
"Said like and expert." Ethan replies laughing.