SecretOfficeConfessions

Sophistication? You have the wrong office!

2010-10-17T20:50:00.000+02:00

I almost feel sorry for Fishy and Jamie. They had such high hopes for Amber and she is crushing everyone.

My favourite Amberisms include:
"Ew British men have such icky teeth" All the guys in the office looked positively woebegone and while I felt sorry for them I had to laugh
"All women should be having regular Botox right Kate?" At which point I spilt my coffee all over my desk.
"I can't help it I just find guys sexier when they have money. I mean I’d never sleep with someone unless he was a financially viable asset." At this point Fishy is turning puce so I interject "Me too the guys I date have to fill out a form."
Simon sniggered and Amber nodded vigorously. "I know right."
Oh and my other favourite gem, "I never eat carbs or sweets. I'd love to look more anorexic like you Kate."
"Yes." I say as seriously as I can manage, "Because in our meetings I'm the one that gets all the guys falling over themselves to give me their numbers... no wait Amber that's you."
Amber laughs, "Yeah because I make an effort. You're just too approachable and you really need to wear more makeup you could be so pretty." I know I should be offended but it's too funny. Plus apparently I could be pretty if I only tried harder!
And the best one to Ted, "This office needs some more sophistication." Ted looked confused and blustered. I laughed "Amber, he gave up on that the moment he hired Fishy." I earn a laugh and a finger from Fishy...

Now I know it sounds like I should dislike her but she is hilarious. I have never met anyone with such a lack of tact and every time she opens her mouth I can't help but laugh. The men however have a different reaction:

Ted - gets flustered whenever she says anything and then looks uncomfortable so trys to laugh it off. Her very expression is "Ted is so like the office papa right?" This makes him clearly uncomfortable and I love it.

Simon - His natural shyness seems to amuse her and she will often go over to his desk and talk. Simon the gets incredibly embarrassed and has sent me secret text messages saying make her leave. Favourite Simon quote, "She terrifies me!"

Fishy - Poor Fishy I feel sorry for him. He is so shocked by Amber that he keeps asking us all to go to the pub drinking. Last time he even texted me when I was working late saying my favourite drink was waiting. Okay he got it wrong but his dislike of Amber has made him a lot nicer to me.

Ethan - Ethan being the most patient person in the office doesn't seem to mind. he is always polite and friendly to her and he and I are both happy to laugh off the more unusual remarks.

Jamie - Poor Jamie is wandering around looking like he's just found out there isn't a Santa. As his Ex I am in no way rubbing this in by telling him I told him so... No definitely not.

Jay - Not that he is a in anyone sexist and a bit of a perv but he seems to spend his entire time starring at her chest. Creepy oh yes!

New girl in the office and co-workers misery is my happiness

2010-08-09T15:49:00.001+02:00

Sorry for the delay in posting. I hope this one is worth it.

So it’s Ambers first day – she starts at lunch time and I decide to start the day well by:

Being on time (I am only 15 mins late this counts as managed)
Wearing make up- (Sucess foundation covers the bruise from a fall)
Making sure hair was brushed and stocking free of runs – I can mend that bad first impression (Fail - stockings ripped and hair mad)
Stopping Fishy or Jamie from anything too appropriate. (Who am I kidding?)
Stopping Ted from calling her Sugar bird which he used on me this morning. (Just what?)

“Can I get anyone a tea?” I offer
Jamie and Fishy grunt yes, Ethan and Simon offer to help.
“Ted?” I ask,
“Alright then sugar bird” He responds.
I pause and glare.
“If you don’t want me to add something a lot less sweet to your tea I suggest rephrasing.” I say and stomp off.

“Seriously what is with him?” I fume to Simon, who laughs.
“You could occasionally ignore him rather than rising to it every single time you know...” He says.
“But he needs to learn how stupid he is.” I say “And without me reminding him how will he ever know?”
Simon laughs, “You are a nightmare.”
“Hey he should be thanking me.” I say, “If Amber was here she could sue – she's American remember.”
“She better not.” Says Fishy who has snuck up behind us “It will be loads worse when we finally have a fit woman in the office.”

This should not bother me because:
Fishy likes to annoy me I know this and I think the whole office does. Unfortunately it does. I try and think of a good comeback and fail so resort to spilling coffee on his desk. Unfortunately this isn’t quite the victory it should be as in the process I spill some on my white skirt. This looking well-groomed thing isn’t working out. I already ripped my stockings so I have my Mr Bump plasters displayed on my knees for all to see. Classy Kate...

At around ten to twelve I get a call from reception announcing Amber is here and I go up to see her.
She is as glamorous as ever and positively dripping Chanel. I remind myself that I don;t want or need designer stuff. Besides while I could never afford designer labels it is probably for the best. I'm already cross with myself for ruining a £20 skirt before lunchtime…

“Hey.” I say to her with a smile, “Remember me? I’m Kate welcome.”
She smiles and takes my hand. “I’m glad you're okay I felt really sorry for you.” She says.
I blush “All better now!” I say over brightly and concentrate very hard on walking down the steps.

I introduce her to the rest of the office and show her to her desk.

“And we are doing a special welcome to the team lunch for you at one” Ted booms at her.
Amber smiles, “Wow that’s great.” As I settle her into her desk she asks
“Where are we going? Somewhere nice? I’m like so dying to try the Ivy.”
I laugh, “They are slightly less generous than that here, generally it’s the pub down the road. It does nice food and we go there a lot after work which you are welcome to join. Best introduce you now."
“Ew” she exclaims loudly, I jump and hope she isn't talking about one of my injuries
“A pub?" She looks says looking horrified "I never go there -they're dirty and full of old men right? Totally gross. Plus they never do carb free stuff”
Hmmm this could be interesting I think. “Give me a second.” I say and grab Ted.

“Ted do you think we could do Pizza Express?” I ask quietly, "I think Amber would be more comfortable with somewhere she knows.”
Ted looks bemused, “Why?”
I sigh I have no argument so improvise.
“Ted,” I say confidentially, “It’s a girl thing…”
“Oh well then of course.” He says looking scared. I love this about Ted. Mention anything remotely female and he runs a mile.

I go back to Amber’s desk and hear her telling Fishy and Jamie how much she hates pubs and the beer culture. Both look like they have eaten lemons and Ethan is trying not to laugh.

I think she might be a very interesting choice...

You have to be mad to want to work here…

2010-07-06T14:45:00.000+02:00

So we’ve been interviewing and we have two candidates.
1) Amber – she is definitely not lacking in confidence and could do a good job but doesn’t have all of the database skills.
2) Jenny – She seems very nice has all the skills and is a bit quiet. Jamie thinks she “lacks the confidence” actually he doesn’t fancy her.

Ted, “We need to hire someone. This TEAM is incomplete.”
I roll my eyes, “You do know these little meeting Jamie and I keep disappearing to are expressly for that purpose Ted.”
Ted glares. “So will anyone do so far?”
“I like Amber” says Jamie quickly.

I sigh ever since I dumped him prior to her interview Jamie has been going on about Amber being fit. And I know I dumped him but it’s annoying me. What’s worse is Fishy has picked up on the fact it is annoying me and is joining in.

“So we have Amber or Jenny in the running then.” Ted says stating the obvious. “Hmmmmm well TEAM the only solution is put it to a vote.”
I groan softly and Fishy shoots me an evil grin.

“Right TEAM gather” Ted calls.
I bang my head on my desk a few times in despair.

“We the sales team have a dilemma – two candidates can do the jobs – so who do we choose. Jamie and Katie you have a minute each to make your case.”

I glare, “Jenny can do the job better.”
Jamie smirks, “Is that is?” He asks, “Well Amber is intelligent, proactive and will fit into the team. Plus she will look great representing it.”
“You are unbelievable.” I tell him

“Enough kids.” Fishy interrupts. “So are we voting Ted?”

Ted beams, “Form a circle and we will vote going around?”
“What is with you an d circles?” I mutter, “Would no one play with you at school.”
Simon sniggers and we get into the circle.
I go first and vote Jenny, Simon follows.

Fishy and Jamie vote Amber.

“As Ethan is off today I get the decider.” Ted declares, “And I vote Amber.”
Jamie and Fishy cheer and I console myself with he fact at least this means no more interviewing people.

Plus the chances of them picking someone I didn’t humiliate myself in front were always slim. Amber is starting Monday...

Awkward interviews and how to become a really bad manager...

2010-06-25T15:01:00.002+02:00

Note:
Really sorry all for being awol for so long – I had some work issues to sort and just needed some time away. Also one of my work colleagues discovered my blog which made me consider closing it L Anyway if you are reading colleague – please don’t tell anyone that this is me. I would appreciate that. K x

So to recap – I last blogged just after I decided it was a good idea to dump Jamie right before our interviewee was arriving.

Stupid stupid stupid Kate.

After Fishy left smirking Jamie and I looked at each other awkwardly for a moment. “Well I’ll go get her shall I?” I chirp with as much cheer as I can possibly force.
“Shall you?” Jamie mimics back. I blush and stumble out. This poor interviewee is going to have the worst half hour of her life I think.

I go and see her in reception and instantly think please let that not be her. Sitting in reception is the most glamorous and polished woman I think I have ever seen in my life. Slightly olive skinned and dressed head to toe in designers she looks like a less airbrushed Eva Mendes.

Insecurity come and bite me on the ass…

I take a breath. I am in power here I am the interviewer. I think.
“Hi,” I say, “I’m Kate and it is really nice to meet you. My colleague is waiting downstairs if you want to follow me.”
“Hey, that’s great.” She drawls with a strong new York accent, “I’m Amber by the way.”
I turn and smile at her and lead the way. Unfortunately I forgot four very important things:
1) I am a moron
2) I am clumsy
3) I am wearing ridiculous heels and can barely walk as it is
4) I should always always look where I am going

But I ignored these things…And fall down the last few steps

And manage to cut my lip on the floor.

“Oh my God are you okay?” Amber asks sounding horrified.
I now have blood all over my top.

Great if I am going to hurt myself I am implementing a new rule – only on the occasions where I will do it well enough to illicit sympathy

Once the office realises I am alive they all begin sniggering except Ethan (and Simon but possibly only because he is not here).

I plan to put laxatives in their tea.

I get up mortified,

“It’s fine I’m fine.”

Ethan comes over and hands me a pile of tissue
“Ignore them kid – just don’t bleed on your interviewee.”
“I need a hug.” I say.
He gives me a quick squeeze and says “Don’t worry about it, if nothing else you’ve probably given the fairest impression of the company yet.”

I sigh and try to look dignified leading Amber into the room.

“What have you done now?” snips Jamie, he turns to Amber all smiles,
I position myself over the table so I can subtly bleed on him

Small revenge…

Publishing ceremonies, mad CEO and having to work sucks

2010-03-16T23:26:00.001+01:00

The last few days seem to have been manic - don't faint but we have all had to work - shock horror.

Early in April there is a big award ceremony for a certain area in publishing and we are hosting this. As far as publishing awards go there are two types - fun ones where you meet interesting people and corporate ones. Ours is corporate the whole point of it is to make lots of money and is so boring it's a struggle doze off - on the plus side we get given a five star meal at a very posh hotel in London and endless champagne. However in the build up we are all feeling overworked and underpaid.

Jay has been wondering around in a kind of management stupor because finally he has something that even he can't manage to screw up - food tasting.

Ted is barking orders at us all and becoming quite alarmingly red in the face. Ethan who is the mature and sensible one actually stormed out the office yesterday after Ted told him to "Buck up your ideas young man." when he tried to leave on time for his wife's birthday. Tensions are running high in general and Jamie and I are rather pointedly not speaking to each other to Fishy's obvious joy.

"Are you two looking forward to interviewing later" He smirks
Jamie grunts and I scowl at him.
"Now now now now now thats not the attitude I want from my happy little TEAM." Pipes Ted, "I want enthusiasm - you two need to say today I WILL find the perfect candidate."
Simon coughs clearly trying not to laugh, Ethan rolls his eyes and Jamie continues to glare. I shrug disinterestedly.
"Maybe they should form a power circle." Fishy suggest an evil glint in his eye, "Ted was saying in the past he has used holding hands in a circle to motivate."
"Quite right." Ted interrupts looking delighted - people listening to anything he says is pretty rare.
"Good plan Fishy - TEAM on your feet. We need to up the energy in this room TEAM!" I groan.

"I think they need to get more involved." A clearly amused Fishy says,
"Good plan.," Says Ted, "Right Everyone hold hands and say-"
"I'm not holding hands with him." I say pointing at Fishy, "I don't know where he's been."
"I wouldn't want to hold hands with you for the same reason.," He retorts "Oh actually I know where you've been"
"Isn't this waste of time supposed to be about team building." Ethan says wearily.

"Yes so enough bickering children." Ted booms, "All take hands."
We all relutantly give in.
"Repeat with me - today I will be my best. I will support my colleagues and I will sell sell sell."
I consider making a sarcastic remark but decide I haven't the energy. I replace sell sell sell with market market market though just to annoy Ted a bit.

"Morning all what are we up to?" Comes a nasal and constipated voice. Great Jay has decided to venture to the commoners.
"Just motivating the happy worker bees." Ted says oblivious to the sea of scowls.
"Good good good. Well I need to volunteer to come to the Pretentious Hotel with me and help me with the food tasting. How about you Katie?"
"I have a press release to get out and then we are interviewing I am afraid." I say trying to sound sincere. Given the choice of spending time with Jay and having my teeth pulled out I am not sure which I'd prefer.
Jay looks surprised - clearly I have passed up a lifetime opportunity, "Well how about our young junior sales boy." he says nodding at Simon, "Learn from a master."
Simon blushes but nods and gathers his things up clearly uncomfortable.
"You can't expect this kind of treat every working day mind." Jay warns.
Simon gives a forced smile, "See you later."

After a few hours when Simon still has not returned I get a text from him saying, "He is making me hold plates while he tastes things and I had to blind fold him. I would rather be holding Ted's hand."

I laugh and message it to Ethan who smiles.

"Haven't you guys better be getting the interview room ready. Fishy says to me and Jamie "I am sure you will need to talk beforehand."
I reluctantly follow him into the meeting room where we sit in silence for a few minutes
"So are we going to talk at all."
"Okay" I say. "I don't think we should see each other any more."

Unfortunately at this point Fishy arrives saying "Your interviewee has arrived." And I have a nasty feeling he heard me.

Dollys drinking and soaking

2010-03-10T18:40:00.000+01:00

Thanks to Ted's current reign of terror we decide to set the world straight by drinking too much. We being me Ethan, Jamie, Simon and Fishy. Jamie and I are back on again but we are still keeping it secret. And we quickly decide the best way of relieving stress is by drinking a lot. All the boys drink beet except Fishy who only ever drinks wine. It gets to eight and we decided on another round including Ethan. This is usual in that Ethan is usually the sensible one.

"So anyone got any ideas of how to destroy Ted? Decapitation is fine" Ethan says. Poor Ethan has been working closely with Ted on one of our new launches. We just signed a new very commercial client which should be great but Ted has decided to "help" Ethan with it. As a consequence Ethan has spent much of the day trying not to loose his cool.

"Right TEAM sales drinks?" Simon asks
We all shout agreement.
"I thought you weren't sales Kate?" Fishy says snidely.
I laugh, "If someone is buying drinks I am."
"Is someone going to help me carry theses?" Simon calls,
I go and help him and we decide to work on our best Ted impressions. It involves saying golly gosh a lot.

I give Fishy and Ethan their drinks and grab a seat next to Jamie. Simon comes and joins us with the remaining drinks.
"Here you go dolly" he says to me in the best Ted voice,
"Will you two just get a room already" Fishy says. I cringe slightly. Jamie and I are touching arms under the table and I can feel him tense up.

Simon and I both blush
"We were just doing Ted impressions." I say, "He keeps calling me dolly at the moment." (It's true and it is driving me mad)
"And you are really going to tell me you both don't fancy each other?" Fishy says.
I glance at Simon and I think it is safe to say we both resemble beetroots. Not a look I recommend incidentally
"Leave them alone Fishy." Ethan says,
"I think they should answer - if there is a little office romance brewing." Jamie says snidely.
"Seriously can we please get over this?" I ask
"You didn't answer the question." Jamie says glaring.

There is an awkward silence for a moment.

"So if Ted had Megan Fox's body would you go there?" Ethan asks.
I smile at him across the table and mouth "thank you"
"I'm going for a cigarette." Jamie says moodily.
"Wait up mate I'll join." says Simon running after him.

Ethan Fishy and I sit in awkward silence for a moment.
"Tenner says one of them throws a punch." Fishy smirks,
"Shut up!" I snap.
"You really enjoy having the men fighting over you." Fishy carries on, "Can't say I see it myself."
"Leave it." Ethan says.
"I like a woman with elegance and grace," he says, "Not some clumsy little bit-"
I stand up and empty his full glass of wine into his crotch.

"Damn if only I wasn't such a clumsy little bitch" I glare, "I'm going home."

I storm out and feel someone tap me on the shoulder.
"What?!" I shout expecting Fishy. It is Ethan - oops
"Sorry Ethan. I think my night has peaked." I say tearfully.
He gives me a hug,. "Ignore him, I'll to have a word - I'll sort it."

I get home to find three texts
Number 1 from Simon
Sorry Fishy was an arse tonight, don't get upset by him the rest of us love you. xx

Number 2 from Ethan
I spoke to him it'll be okay - chin up kid

Number 3 from Jamie
Do you like Simon more than me?

Why can't life be simple?

The boss needs to know everything, office fights

2010-03-03T18:00:00.001+01:00

More and more interviews I swear I can’t even seem to hear the answers any more. Amazing the number of responses you get from an advert in the Guardian, some of them from the certifiably insane and some just desperate. Apparently the lure of publishing is such that people are queuing up to work with Ted and earn 18K a year.

Ted has also decided this week that he wants to get more involved in all of our day to day tasks.

“I want to know what you are all doing at all times!” He announced with the air of the management gone mad with power. Or maybe it is lack of sales, poor Ted hasn’t managed to sell anything in weeks.
“So Katie what is your day today going to consist of?” he asks.
I sigh, “Well seeing as yesterday Jay told me you have agreed a new book client I am going to spend most of the day working on a promotional plan. The rest of the day is wondering how the hell I am going to fit in this plan with only a month notice.”
“We don’t have defeatist talk here.” He responds. “I want an hourly status update kiddo." I glare. kiddo?

"Simon who are you calling today?" He carried on oblivious to my death glare.
“How about I just email you my sales leads?” Simon asks.
“No talk me through it. As a TEAM we all need to know what everyone is doing.”
Simon sighs and lists his clients.
“Is that all your calls today?” Ted demands his eyes possessed looking.
“I was also going to call my mother and wish her a happy birthday.” Simon admits, “But I thought you wouldn’t care about that.”

Ted goes around the room until Ethan finally tells him, “I could take you through my list of sales prospects or I could actually call them and make some money. Your call.”
Ethan losing his temper is rare and this shuts everyone up for a while

Ted leaves to make tea and we all exchange looks,
“What the hells gotten into him?” I ask.
“He thinks the atmosphere here is unprofessional.” Fishy replies smugly
“For God sake.” Ethan says
“I don’t blame him.” Fishy says, “You lot are mad”
“Funny how he asked you too considering you are so much better than us.” I retort.
“Cut it out you two.” Ethan says. “I have a meeting with him this afternoon I’ll have a word then. Kate, Jamie get someone hired. I think that will calm him down.”

“Can we go and talk about our next interviews?” Jamie asks.
I sigh and follow him into the meeting room.
“Are you not talking to me?” He asks
“No this is all psychic communication – spooky.” I say
He glares, “Mature really mature.”
“Well without meaning to sound even more immature you started it.” I say.
He laughs, “So what are the chances of kissing and making up?” he says.

Hmmm bad idea?

The trouble with office romances and Ted gets fit?

2010-02-26T14:20:00.000+01:00

Ah playing in the company sandbox. Never a good plan. As my friend Jamie is funny sweet and a great friend. Unfortunately as a more than friend, he is jealous, texts me all the time, destroyed a nice bra from La Senza. (I like pretty underwear so am having trouble forgiving.)and seems to spoent every hour trying to convince me to sleep with him. Which considering I have heard him brag about conquests in the pub feels like a bad idea...who said romance was dead?

I arrive to work and yes I am late but ted has gone on a new get fit routine. I have a theory his wife is forcing him so every morning Ted arrives at 8am changes into jogging gear, goes for a run in Green Park and comes in late and stinky holding a bacon sandwich. Oh Ted.

So I arrive at half nine and Ted doesn't even know - score.

"Afternoon" Fishy calls snidely.
I ignore him and move with dignity towards my desk. Unfortunately I managed to knock a huge pile of files over. Damn. I kneel over to pick them up.
"What are you wearing on your knees Kate?" Ethan asks.
"My plasters?" I say confused.
"You have Cinderella plasters?" Fishy says, "Are you three?"
I blush "Simon got them for me after my concussion."
"With strict instructions to stop needing them every week." Simon laughs.
"You'll be jealous if you cut yourself." I say to Fishy.
"Why because he can't look like an idiot too?" Jamie says shooting me a dirty look before storming out. I sigh.

"What is up with him at the moment?" Ethan asks.
"I think I've annoyed him." Simon says looking worried, "He's been funny with me for a while."
"It could be Kate rejecting all the cute girls from the interview." Fishy says.
I look up, "What are you on about Fishy, you're making even less sense than usual."
Fishy smiles, "Jamie told me whenever a pretty girl goes along you reject her. Jealous much?"
"Are you high?" I say.

I think back to the interviews we had two attractive girls one who said she would only take the job for a salary of 30K (We have 18K to offer.) and one who I really liked up until the end of her interview.
"Why did you leave your last job?" I asked
"Well I didn't get on with my boss." She admits.
I can sympathise Ted drives me mad on occasions I think
"You see I really can't work with women." She carries on.
I think my jaw actually dropped. Then I got paranoid that maybe she thought I was a man. Anyway she was a no from me and I stand by it.

At this point the smell of Ted distracts me from killing Jamie Fishy and possibly an innocent bystander.
"Morning Team Sales!" He booms, "How are we all today? Ready to make money money money?"
The team mutter unenthusiastically and I glare.
"Oh your interviewee is waiting upstairs by the way Kate. Are you and Jamie ready?"

I text Jamie, Interviewee is here, stop acting like a five year old girl and get your arse back NOW

Great an hour stuck in a small meeting room with my soon to be ex. Office romances are a bad move.

Interviews, airbras, and what not to do

2010-02-22T17:12:00.000+01:00

Sorry for the late update it has been a busy week so far I have:

Received over 100 job applications from the guardian job advert - wow
Seen five people for interviews
Fallen over three times
Fallen over once in front of another person - score!
Ended up an a passionate moment
Which then resulted in a half deflated air bra - not a look I would recommend
Realised after an hour of walking around with an uneven chest that I could have just removed the other pad.
Tried to break up with Jamie twice and failed both times
Realised I am a moron.

So interviewing someone this should be easy right?

Interviewee number one

Short guy with a goatee. (Goatees for me lose a point automatically)Turns up in jeans and a shirt with what looked like ketchup on it. I also think he might have been stoned. Jamie and I spent half an hour trying to get some sense out of him and then ten minutes laughing once he had left.

Interviewee number two

Rather tomboyish girl turns up wearing a suit - Jamie and I knuckle punch under the table (knuckle punch means points thumb grab means minus.)She seems nice, laughs at Jamie's feeble joke about not having to be mad to work here. As she gets up to leave Jamie raises his eyebrows at me and I smile - we think we have found our girl. As she leaves we both shake her hand and then she lets out the belch to end all belches. I blush instantly mortified for her. She laughs, "If I get the job you'll be hearing that a lot." She says.

Jamie and I look at each other when she has left. "No!"

New professional me, email abuse and inappropriate meetings

2010-02-12T17:42:00.000+01:00

Now I am a manager I decide things are going to change I am gong to be professional and detached and start falling over less. I only decided this this afternoon so the mornings fall does not count.

However I get back to my desk after lunch to the email.
"Hi Kate C, thanks for setting up a profile on our site - we look forward to matching you up with available lesbians soon."

Er what the hell?

"Who added me to a lesbian dating site?" I shout, "Because I am going to kill you."
Simon and Jamie both start laughing and Ethan looks torn between amusement and disapproval
"Jamie?" I accuse, he shakes his head laughing
"Simon?"
"I wish I'd thought of it." He says
Fishy glares at me, "Don't look at me, I enjoy my lesbian fantasies having you there would ruin it."
Ouch a slightly uncomfortable silence falls before Ethan says, "Kate i think you are forgetting the obvious culprit, Rob?"
"Oh right." I say.
"And give it a rest Fishy." Ethan says, "I mean it."
I smile at gratefully at Ethan.

At that point Ted decides to come out of the meeting room - he has been holed up in there all day.
"I have a task for my new management team," He says gloatingly. "Jamie Kate, you will be writing a job description for our new member of staff. But don't worry I felt it was unfair to leave my two minions without a little of my guidance" He beams giving us a printed sheet.
I see Fishy smirking and swear at him behind Ted's back.

Jamie and I wander into the meeting room and I am quickly distracted by "Oh Sh*t"
"Whats wrong?" I say
He groans have you seen Ted's description.

I look over and feel my stomach drop

Superstar Sales and Marketing wannabe
We need someone full of energy with a degree, preferably two years experience and a strong work ethic,. They must be willing to put in all the extra hours we need, sell when needed to and assist with all marketing and admin. The job will include overseas travel and exciting progression.

Jamie and I give each other a look
"Overseas travel?" I ask
"I know and have you seen the salary?"

The salary is 18K

"So how are we going to break it to Ted that he is living in a dream world?" I ask
"Over this or just in general?" Jamie says.
I laugh, "We could just re-write it to something sensible?"
We sit and work for a bit and I begin to relax. Things aren't tense between us I think, it's fine he doesn't even care any more.
Which takes me even more by surprise when he suddenly kisses me.

I get the feeling kissing in a meeting room might not be maintaining my professional exterior

Angry Fishy, gloating and new responsibilities

2010-02-10T20:12:00.000+01:00

Wow I'm a manager so do I get more money?" I demand.
Ted sighs, "Yes I am speaking to Jay about your new package."
"Great. Can I suggest a big raise." I smile as sweetly as I can manage
Ted laughs, "You can suggest it." (Damn my smiles are clearly not effective or persuasive)
I smile harder - my face kind of hurts, "If I promise to be really nice to you can I get one?"
Ted laughs, "That's up to Jay and off the record the man is the biggest cheapskate you'll ever meet."
I sigh "So what do you think I'll get."
"I'll try and get you around 26K" he promises
"Twenty seven would make me even nicer." I say hopefully.
He laughs, "Don't push it girlie."

Ted quickly stops off and grabs a sandwich and I dash ahead to gloat.
"I'm a marketing manager now!" I call at the sales team,
The guys and Andi give me a hug and Fishy looks horrified
Fishy glares at me, "You have to be joking?"
"Nope" I say smugly
Fishy scowls, "So does this mean you are going to be on time now?"
I smile "Still suffering with SMS I see."
"Okay I'm going to bite." Simon says, "SMS?"
"No." I explain, "It's short man syndrome, affecting males with size complex, they over compensate by being mean. Actually it has been found this makes it worse and causes erectile dysfunction. The poor short men."
Fishy rolls his eyes, "I'll stop being mean when you say something intelligent or do something useful."
I shrug, "I thought the whole point of being a manager is to get less done and steal other people success."
Fishy smirks, "Hi Ted." He calls behind me, "Kate was just talking about you."

Oh crap.

I blush and Ethan and Simon seem torn between looking sympathetic and amused
Ted rolls his eyes, "When you have finished trying to be witty can you and Jamie come through to the meeting room I need a word."
Jamie and I exchange guilty looks - what have we managed to do now.

Ted sits us down and says seriously "You two are going to be my new team. I need Sales and Sales support" (Marketing I mutter) Ted ignores me, "110% focused on the job. Therefore we are creating a new role. The new person will take over some of the easy renewal sales from Jamie and assist Kate with the marketing."
"Sounds like a great idea." Jamie says.
Ted nods "And to give you two a bit more responsibility you will be joint interviewing all applicants. I will have the final say. So I need you two to work closely together this week and come up with a plan of action. Go Team Sales!"

Hmmm I am beginning to think that snogging Jamie last week was an even worse move than I thought....

Work evaluations and awkwardness in in the kitchen

2010-02-08T14:58:00.000+01:00

Right before my evaluation I end up arguing with Jamie in the kitchen.
"Seriously Kate what is your problem today?"
"I'm attracted to deeply effeminate men" I reply
He glares at me, "It was just a kiss Kate, didn't know it was going to turn you into a total bitch."

Ouch and I think I deserved it.
I sigh, "I'm sorry I just have the meeting with Ted coming up and I don't want to give Fishy more ammunition so I am doing my aloof innocent thing."
Jamie gives me a look, "You're not acting aloof trust me. Try acting normal. It may be a stretch I know."
"Okay point taken." I say. "Friends?"
"Yeah but you and I are talking later. Good luck with Ted and try not to jump on him."

Great just great. Note to self must engage brain more.

I sit and brood until a loud voice booms "Ready Katie Kins?"
Must not be mean to Ted right before my work evaluation. I will let the Katie kins go for now.
Ted takes me to a coffee shop and looks at me. I am splitting your evaluation into five sessions, Attitude, Ability, Passion and the X Factor, then I will give you mine and Jay's overall recommendations".
I consider breaking into a verse of song at this but bite my tongue.
The evaluation turns out easier than i expected. Ted seems quite happy to just talk to himself and I am quite happy to let him.
"And the example?" I look up - Ted has clearly just asked a direct question. Rare.

I blush
"I was just considering the best one to use." I say
"Well passion is an important part of life." He says beaming. "So I need examples of you displaying passion in the team."
Really not the question I needed today. I blush more take a gulp of coffee and then choke. And carry on choking and wheezing until tears start streaming - not the impression I wanted to create. Ted whacks me on the back a few times and I eventually stop spluttering.

Unfazed Ted carries on
"So from next week we are promoting you to Marketing Manager."He says
I look up shocked. "Seriously me? Why?" I say I should not have said that out loud
Ted laughs, "That was what exactly what I said to Jay and Arthur."

Oh... well who cares what he thinks. I got promoted!

Robless office, snail murder and evaluations

2010-02-04T17:31:00.003+01:00

Ever had one of these mornings where you are filled with regret - we seem to be experiencing one of them here.

So far between us we are guilty of:
One drunk managing to fall asleep on the train home
A lost mobile phone
One drunken kiss
One bag vomited on
One Rob walking off into the sunset
One snail stepped on accidentally
One case of tears after realising they committed snail murder

Busy night.

To start with Fishy - how the mighty have fallen. He is rather quiet and a little subdued about the previous evening.

"So did you make it home okay?" Simon asks.
Fishy looks a little embarrassed.
After some prompting by Ethan he admits he managed to fall asleep on the train home - miss his stop and when he did get off he dropped his phone on the train.
"Well just call your number." Ethan says, "Then whoever has it can hopefully leave it somewhere for you."
Fishy calls and we all listen. He explains rather sheepishly that he lost his phone and looks momentarily horrified.
"Whats up?" Simon asks.
Fishy looks at his feet and the admits, "He asked me to please not fall asleep on him this time."

Ethan laughs, "Well it could have been worse - Simon managed to throw up all over his bag."
"Ew." I say, "Nasty."
Simon blushes, "Thought you agreed not to share that." He says.
Ethan laughs, "I like being the only one who can hold their drink."
Fishy looks up, "So what else happened?"
"Kate killed a snail." Simon says.
"Shut up." I shout
"Do you remember crying over it for ten minutes." He says, "And then making up a song you called lament to a squashed snail."
I make a face at him.

"Right tea round!" I say.
"Remember we have a meeting in an hour to discuss your performance." Ted calls
"Don't make me do the dance of joy." I shout back.
"So are we going to talk about Friday?" My workmate asks...

EDIT - After requests I am adding what I remember of lament to a snail... it goes to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody
Simon... I just killed a snail
Why don't I look before I tread? Now that little snail is dead.
Snail just a little chap,
But now I've gone and squashed you all flat
Snail oooooh
Didn't mean to make you die
This is a rough version of the original. It was probably very slurred.....

Drunken Fishy, Rob's last night

2010-02-02T17:51:00.003+01:00

LIke a moron I accidentally deleted this post so I am trying to re-write - it might be bitty for a few days sorry.

For Robs leaving do - we surprise surprise go to the pub. Rob has decided the leaving do should involved lots of tequilla shots so we are all feeling rough

Simon and I have hatched a plan to get Fishy to embarass himself. It5 involves making him drink a lot. We never said it was sophisticated!

Fishy has drunk a lot of wine and is now slurring.
"Thiiish company is crazy" He says, "You are all mad."
"Said like and expert." Ethan replies laughing.

Spillages weird smells and impending doom

2010-01-29T14:22:00.000+01:00

I like Fridays generally - but this morning they have demonstrated they do not like me. I decided to make cookies for Rob for his last day - partially as I thought it would be thoughtful and partially as I am totally broke and can't afford a decent present. Unfortunately when leaving my flat (late) I managed to spill and entire bottle of almond flavouring all over myself. As I am really trying to be on time I couldn't change and I smell like I am made of marzipan.

I hope that I can sneak in without anyone commenting.
Hmmm clearly I am not too bright on a Friday.
"Morning!" I call trying to look innocent and like someone who is not fifteen minutes late.
"I made biscuits" I announce, "For Rob."
Rob and Jamie come over and enthusiastically grab a handful. Ethan looks nervous. "You cooked them yourself Katie?"
"Yes." I say indignantly."I can cook."

Simon smirks, "Didn't you set fire to your kitchen recently?"
"It was just a pan." I say
He laughs, "So you managed without any fires this time."
"Yes." I say "And now you don't get to have a biscuit."
He laughs, "Sorry Kate they look great and I am sure you are a wonderful cook.Can I have one now"
He grabs one and then pretends to choke.
I am beginning to think I shouldn't share my culinary disasters - it may be preventing me from being taking seriously.

"What do they smell of?" Fishy asks suspiciously."
I glare at him - typical he would be the one to notice
I consider lying then decide to front it out "That's me actually." I say with dignity
Fishy gives me a weird look "So any reason why you smell like marzipan?"
"I happen to think Marzipan smells good." I say blushing slightly. Damn this blushing.
Ethan rolls his eyes at me. "You spilt the oil on yourself didn't you?"
"I hate you." I say
"He laughs, "Why didn't you just change?"
I blush
"Ted laughs, "please don;t tell me it was because you didn't want to be late?"
Everyone seems to find this very funny for some reason.

I decide to ignore them - I have more fun things to focus on Rob's leaving do tonight!
Ted has even said we can leave early so the drinking will begin from 4pm. This is good for two reasons first any time off work is always a good thing and second our evil scheme. Simon and I have decided it is payback time for Fishy. Basically the plan is to get him very drunk - steal his phone and delete incriminating videos and hope he makes a fool of himself. Sophisticated it is not but I have high hopes for something incriminating. As soon as he does something stupid I will post it!

Fights with Fishy, dates with Ted...

2010-01-25T17:33:00.000+01:00

As I arrive enthusiastic and injured to work on a Monday I am greeted by Ted demanding to know what time it is.
"I need to load my computer first." I say, "Because I don't wear a watch."
Ted sighs, "It was sarcastic." He informs me. "It is half nine and you were meant to be in half hour ago."
"You missed my company? " I ask. "I'm touched."
He laughs, "Do you think we could buy you the ability to be on time on eBay?"
I make a face at him and sit down.

"Do you think we could buy Rob a gag while you are there?" Ethan asks.
Rob laughs, he is leaving in a few days and has been making us all jealous talking about his around the world trip repeatedly.
"Maybe we could buy one for all of you." Fishy glares.
I glare back at him, "Perhaps you could get some manners there, or a sense of humour."
"I suppose it depends what you find funny." Fishy says, "I find video's funny."
"Fishy give that a rest." Ethan says gently. "I think you've played that to death."

I decide to go and make tea to get away from the tension. Simon usually gives me a hand but this time Fishy does.
"Coffee for you right?" I say, he nods and watches me - which makes me uncomfortable.
"What?" I finally ask.
"Just wondering."
"Wondering what?" I say getting annoyed
"How you manage to wrap everyone in this office around your finger."
I stop pouring tea and look at him,"Are you serious?"
He laughs, "Well it doesn't look good you have three guys fighting over you, the boss lets you get away with murder and even Ethan acts all protective over you, that helpless act clearly works a charm."
I try and think of something to say but go blank.
"Any reason you are being such an asshole?" I ask
"Why worried about having one less guy to cry on his shoulder."
I blush (unfortunately I do this when angry as well as embarrassed) "Were you dropped on your head as a baby?"
"no I just don't trust you."
"Fine don't.." I say taking the tray filled with teas."Then make your own damn coffee" and pour his in the sink."

I storm off to the other end of the office thinking this day can;t get any worse when Ted calls out - Katie remember to put down our meeting on Wednesday in your diary - work evaluation.

Concussion sounds really good right now.

Things that go bump on your head

2010-01-20T11:27:00.001+01:00

There is nothing quite liking waking up in the bed of your co-worker.... but no it was not anything dodgy. I wake up at Simons a little confused. My first thought is where am I quickly followed by Ouch which brings it back to me oh yeah. Oops.

Simon asks if I slept okay from the floor
"Yes fine thanks." I say feeling a little uncomfortable, "Er thanks for letting me stay and for giving me the bed."
He sits up, "Well i had to do something to get back in the good books."
"So me knocking myself out was part of your evil plan?" I smile
"Oh yes." He says seriously , "In fact i tripped you."
I laugh, "Now that I can't believe, you know I could trip over a speck of dust.
He looks serious, "You had me seriously worried.Don't do that again"
"Well it was in the diary to repeat Friday but okay.....OH no." I say, "I was sick on you!"
He laughs, "Well if it makes you feel better Jamie's been sick on me too and he had no excuse."

Hmmm I really wasn't wanting to add throw up on a workmate to my list of what not to do's

"So can I use your shower?" I ask, He shows me where it is and gives me a towel.I take clothes in with me to avoid any awkwardness.
After showering I change into my clothes. I hate wearing yesterdays clothes. I consider the advantages of wearing yesterdays knickers over going commando and then remember the time I accidently flashed my thong. Yesterdays knickers it is.

"By the way Kate," Simon asks once I am dressed, "What were you dreaming about? I am sure you were muttering about a world of rabbits." I blush.Whenever something upsets me I have the rabbit dream a recurring nightmare about rabbits invading the earth. However, in the interest of seeming vaguely sane I don't think I should share this with anyone especially a guy that oi have a slight attraction to. And who was a complete gentleman when i was ill.

Must not lust after workmate until healed and wearing clean knickers....

As we get into work everyone crowds around me and asks how I am. They all are suitably impressed by my bump. I am less happy about that and ask how they would like walking around with a big lump and with co-workers who weren't tactful enough to pretend they couldn't see it.
Rob laughs, "But it is so cool you have a alien head." I glare at him.
"When I am better my head will be normal." I say, "You on the other hand have a cone head."
He looks thrown for a second and begins to examine his own head seriously. Jamie and Ethan laugh.

"Are you sure you should be in today?" Ted asks me..
I am momentarily touched by his concern.
"It's just that we don;t want to get in trouble if you collapse." He carries on. I am overwhelmed by his lack of concern
I glare at him.
"If I do collapse I am going to tell everyone you hit me over the head." I say
Ted looks worried for a second and then smiles. "Well it might make you lot take these bloody evaluations seriously. No names er Rob...."

Snow, shoes and ending up in A&E

2010-01-14T17:40:00.003+01:00

So evaluation forms are done – hooray.
“Are you excited about reading them Teduardo?” Rob asks with an evil smirk
Ted blusters for a moment. “I am far too busy and important to look at them for at least a few days.” He retorts
Yes he actually used these words. Jamie and I both burst out laughing and go to the kitchen to make tea.

“So how was your Christmas?” He asks casually.
I shrug, “Why are you asking that.” I say “The answer will only bore you.”
Was just wondering if you recovered from the Christmas party.” He says.
I blush “Who… let me guess Fishy?” He nods
“Do you know Ethan told him off yesterday for picking on you?”
“Seriously?” I ask. I am quite touched. Ethan is such a big brother to me.
“So anyway,” Jamie says, “If I’d have been there….”
I roll my eyes, “I think I’ve learnt my lesson about playing in the company sandbox.”
He gives me a look and says, “Maybe you just need to find the right one to play in.”
“I think Teds calling me” I lie blushing.

I decide that I can’t work for another second without Starbucks as the kitchen feels scary and confusing so I decide to make a run. I end up with about six orders so Simon and Rob offer to give me a hand which Fishy finds very amusing and can’t resist making a comment about.
Before I can kill him Ted says, “Rob you are needed to train Fishy remember?”
So Simon and I end up wandering to get coffee.

It is very snowy in London and even I have had to wear ugly shoes so I could try not to fall over again. Unfortunately two minutes away from the office I slip over and whack my head on the pavements.

First thought on regaining consciousness is “Bugger” swiftly followed by “Ouch”
Simon rushes up and asks if I am okay at which point I burst into tears.
I am really not a crier – despite the evidence of the last few months I rarely cry. However, I seem to have hit a tear duct. As I sit up Simon checks the back of my head which is now bleeding somewhat. I stagger up.
“Are you okay?” Simon asks.
“I’m fine,” I half slur half sob.
“Kate I think we need to get you checked out.” Simon says.
I shake my head and then throw up on the pavement. I think I also got Simon’s shoes. He holds my hair back and says, “We are getting a taxi to the A&E right now whether you like it or not.”

So Simon bundles me into a taxi and we end up sitting there for three hours before the doctors decide I have managed to give myself severe concussion and shouldn’t be left alone for 48 hours. Unfortunately I live alone so end up going back to Simons…

So do I win loser of the year for managing to fall over twice in January? I should not be allowed out without a crash helmet clearly...

How not to answer a work evaluation... unless you are leaving in a week

2010-01-12T20:55:00.001+01:00

So a group of us go to the pub to complete Teds form in the evening. Ted's evaluation form is both pointless and pretentious so Rob decides this is the perfect time to have some fun...we all help him with the form - let me know what you think....

Question 1 What special skills enable you to contribute to anon publisher like no one else can? Invisibility I use this to measure the average length each staff member spends on the toilet

2When you wake up what inspires you to do the best job you can? The possibility that one day I might see Ted naked (This was my suggestion)

3 How do you think your boss would describe you in five words or less? You are my boss Ted.... This was unanimous...

4What other skills could we help you to develop to make you the best sales team member you can be? Letting me get on with my job and not answer these questions would be a start...

5What helps you get in the mindset of sell sell sell. The potential extra 25K I can earn..... I answer this one with the simple "Nothing seeing as I work in marketing.....

6How do you push yourself to the 110% success the company demands? Learn basic maths. This tells me 110% is impossible.

7What do people say about you? That I am amazing in bed. Rob gives me a look while saying this and I roll my eyes. "You are leaving in a week." I say "And it's never going to happen with me."

8Are you willing to go the extra mile - give examples of how you have done this. Once I travelled an hour for a shag. This one was all Rob clearly.

So do you think Ted will like?

SuperTed, reviews and January blues

2010-01-07T16:38:00.000+01:00

So January started off cold and snowy. Me being me I managed to fall over and sprain my wrist which has been making work harder and me grumpy. Ted has used the time of Christmas to get fatter and apparently stupider and Rob is using his last few weeks in the office to generally cause trouble. Welcome to Publishing Office 2010

Ted should not drink coffee. Simon made a tea round earlier after I mentioned dying with a caffeine shortage but being to injured to make it myself. I figure there have to be some benefits to clumsiness. Unfortunately the coffee seems to be making Ted bounce around like... well like a slightly over weight micro manager type on a trampoline to be honest. Because Ted needs us all need to prepare for review week. This just means we meet with Ted and he evaluates us and tells us if we are getting a pay rise.Must be nice to Ted Kate....

"Right TEAM SALES" Announces Ted with a big clipboard with questionnaires as he hands them around." "You all need to remember the review is about showcasing your achievements and using them for the benefit of the company. You all need to be selling yourselves. SELL SELL SELL!"
I scowl, "Can I just sell you instead." I say "I am sure someone must want you.... somewhere."
Ted ignores me, "These forms need to be completed by ALL of you by tomorrow morning without fail. Is that clear?" He demands
I glare, "Some of us only have one working hand." I say.
Fishy smirks, "I am sure one of the boys here would be more than willing to help you out Katie." He says, "Simon? Rob?"
I glare, "Only my friends are allowed to call me Katie."
Childish I know but he is so annoying...

"Er Ted?" Rob says, "Why have you given me one of these I leave in less than two weeks."
Ted beams, "I wouldn't want you to miss out Rob, it is an important part of your growth."
Rob starts, "You're joking right?"
Ted looks hurt, "No every employee must complete this form and you are still my employee for another ten working days."
Rob laughs, "Then why the hell is this Fishy in my chair?"
"Just do it." Ted snaps in his best "I'm the boss and super important voice."
Fine I'll fill this out in great detail." Rob says. "You'll love it Teduardo. So anyone coming to the pub to help me?"

Now this sounds like fun...

Years reolutions achievements who we are and apology

2010-01-05T22:42:00.000+01:00

Sorry for the long gap between postings. I didn't have access to a PC for a lot of Christmas and like a moron managed to fall over in the snow and sprain my wrist. It's still sore so please excuse the lateness of this post!

Kate's resolutions for 2010:

Do not kiss any more work colleagues, once can be forgiven, twice perhaps
suggests the need to stop drinking three times is just office suicide. Do not do it
Find a way to get back at Fishy and ideally destroy the photographic evidence of one of the above indiscretions...
Be nice to Ted for the first few weeks. We have work evaluations coming up.
Stop falling over.
Arrive on time - or at least before half nine.
Try and avoid flashing anyone.

Actually the last two would be a good guide for life not just the officeEven I can do this right?So the achievements (I use achievements lightly) of last year included:

The thong incident...
The infamous Christmas party
Throwing up on a flasher
Annoying Ted on many many an occasion
Not getting fired.

And finally a little reminder of who everyone is...
Kate: That's me!

Jay – The CEO – a complete snob who loves to talk down to you.

Andi – American admin manager.

Jamie –The cute sales man who likes to smooth talk - has a LOT of girlfriends.

Rob – Salesman and extreme charmer approach with caution - he is leaving in two weeks time.

Ethan – The office big brother, hard working and nice - what is he doing here?

Fishy - The new recruit - an older sales man who likes to mock the rest of us mercilessly. He and I do not get on.

Simon: Sales junior, sweet and nice but too desperate to prove he is not a total innocent at the moment and not single....

Ted - A.k.a Mr Motivator. Oh dear.

May – Sensible and on occasions scary. Rob and Jamie are bother terrified of her. I think she is great.

Stee - Graphic designer.

Laura - Poor accountant who is stuck working alone with Jay. Very scatty and on the rare occasions she joins us for drinks a lot of fun

Christmas presents/ bribes and a lack of laxatives....

2009-12-23T14:43:00.001+01:00

I am feeling happier today. I figure things really can't get much worse than being presented with video footage a makeout session - (Which was really unflattering) and then getting sandwiched between the two workmates you had indiscretions with. Yes today is going to be a good day.

I arrive relatively on time (9:15am - get me) and settle into my desk when an email arrives from Simon.

Look in your bottom desk draw

Kate,
Be subtle but I left something there for you. Come make tea with me in five minutes? Just want to say sorry.
S

Hmmm torn between sulking and looking I take a look in the desk - and see a bottle of Issey Miyake- my favourite perfume I can't believe he remembered

Ted comes in, Hope we are all recovered sufficiently from the party then team, he bellows

"Er hello Ted?" I say, "No one else called in sick the next day. remember?"
"Well no one else had the dodgy prawn starter" He lies
"No or five whiskey shots." I mutter.
"Do you have an off switch?" He asks, "Because thats what I want as my Christmas present."
"Do you have an on switch?" I retort, "Because I've yet to see evidence."
"Are you offering to help him find it?" Smirks Fishy.

I glare at him and Jamie looks at the two of us curiously

"So you guys up for lunch today?" Jamie asks "I want all the party updates. Can't believe I missed it.Crap time to be ill."
"Definitely" Fishy says happily, "Simon, Kate, Rob you guys coming? We should ask Andi too."
Simon and I blush.
Great just great.

"I'm making tea" I say and go to the kitchen. I boil the kettle and a few minutes later Simon arrives.
"If you want me to speak to you again you better have laxatives for Fishy's coffee" I say.
He smiles, "No just wanted to say sorry. So er sorry." He blushes "I don't want you to hate me. Especially not while you are holding hot tea."

I roll my eyes.
He sighs, "Seriosuly I feel like a complete arsehole - I just got back with my ex the weekend before and I didn't think you were interested and I'm really sorry. If you want to put laxatives in my tea you can."
I half laugh, "So the present is that a sorry present or a bribe to forgive you?"
Well if it is a bribe does that mean you have to forgive me otherwise return it?"
"Don't push it." I warn
"So are we okay?" He ask.
"Friends." I say and he gives me an awkwards hug."But if you really want to get back into my good books start thinking of revenge on Fishy.
He laughs, "I'm on it."

Awkward silences, hot sauce and a lack of seats...

2009-12-21T14:37:00.001+01:00

I sit at my desk feeling like a moron. I start to look at some work and I see Simon and Andi arrive. Simon is sporting a bruise on his face. Rob also comes in a few minutes later. Great. I try to avoid looking at anyone and engross myself in work. Next time must choose something that has a possibility of sucess. After a minute I abandon it and browse facebook.

Ethan picks up the phone that the rest of us are ignoring and laughs when it finishes.

"Ted's called in sick today," He laughs. "What a lightweight"
"So we can talk openly then. " Fishy laughs, "Anyone else want to see last nights entertainment."
I blush which seems to make him laugh even more.
Andi says "Fishy that's so mean."
He laughs and says "Yeah like you and Rob can talk, I saw you both kissing at the end of the evening."

Andi gives a forced laugh, "What are you the office peeping Tom?"
Fishy grins, "Just a casual observer."
"Bet you were just jealous no one wanted to kiss you." Simon retorts.
"True but no one hit me because of it."
Andi looks shocked and says to Rob, "you hit him?"
Rob looks sheepish, "We're okay now right mate."
Simon blushes and says, "yeah I probably deserved it."
I avoid his eye and see an email from him flash up - it says
Kate,
Really really sorry - can we talk later?
I press delete and glare at him.

How about we all kiss and make up over lunch? " Fishy says, "Unless that would be awkward for you anyone.." He shoots me a look
"Sorry not me." Says Andi, "Gotta leave at midday."
"I'm in" say Ethan, Rob and Simon.
"So you think you can resist these guys long enough to eat lunch with us Katie?" Fishy smirks
"F*** Off." I respond. Not mature but satisfying
"So you are too scared to come?" He says
"Fine I'll come. Now will you shut up?" I glare.

Ethan decides Nandos is a good move but they only have a booth for four. Fishy says we can squeeze. I somehow end up wedged between Rob and Simon.

"Are you okay Kate?" Fishy asks, "You look a little uncomfortable....with these two."
I blush and see him smiling wickedly.

He must be stopped....

The morning after, revelations and evidence

2009-12-18T14:12:00.003+01:00

You know it is not going to be a good day when:

You wake up on your sofa with a stiff neck and aching body
The hangover is killing you
You have to shower with one arm in the air so as not to make the watch that is
stuck on your wrist wet
The floor is still spinning.

Okay strategy I think. I am always late to work so today I will arrive early. that will prove that I am not hungover and didn't do anything wrong. I quickly throw on some makeup - red nose is now covered up and make my way to work.

Outside the building I am filled with the urge to run like hell and call in sick. Probably not a good idea I decide so make my way in.

It is 8:45am so there is only Ethan and May in the office.

May greets me politely but looks distracted and Ethan shouts "Morning." Enthusiastically and offers me a cup of tea.
They are both being so normal I relax a bit

"So how are you feeling this morning?" Ethan asks
I blush,
"Fine fine." I lie
"So did you guys stay late?" He asks me, "Ted and I left about half ten"

Relief - he and Ted weren't there. Maybe no one actually saw us.
I blush and say, "I have someones watch stuck on my hand, can you help me get it off."
Ethan laughs, "Yeah here you are kid. Hope you didn't do anything stupid."
I blush and he gives me a hug

I begin to relax when Fishy comes in smirking.
"Morning all," He calls, "Kate you're on time? I thought you would be still sleeping it off."
I blush but say in my most sober and professional voice "No I am feeling great this morning thanks."

I am a very bad liar.

Fishy smirks, "So looking forward to the awkward moments between you and Simon?"
Ethan looks up.
I blush and say "I don't remember anything that would be awkward."
He laughs and says, "Want the visual, we got bored so took a video."

Oh shit!

Ethan looks torn between amusement and sympathy and I can feel myself going purple. Must control this blushing.

"Although," Fishy continues clearly enjoying my squirming, "I think it will be even more awkward between Simon and Rob."
"Whys that?" Ethan asks as I sink into my seat.
"Rob hit him," Fishy says "Apparently he felt it was unfair to Kate that Simon already has a girlfriend."

Er WHAT???

Party, alcohol, and pubs we are no longer welcome in

2009-12-16T14:00:00.000+01:00

So to recap the bad influences, me Andi, Rob, Laura, Simon, Ted and several of the journalists have been drinking since midday and now moved our way into a nearby pub.

After a few more vodkas I notice it is geiting dark which I find very funny. I also realise I need the toilet and for some reason can't stop laughing on the way.

As I return from the toilet I run into Rob.
"Having a nood gight?" I ask in an attempt to be coy. Unfortunately the slurring might give me away
He laughs, "The night could be better" OH my God...... he is actually moving towards me.

You know when you do something that is a really bad idea but your brain only seems to engage half way through... Is there a polite way to ask someone to remove their tongue from your mouth? Or at least stop trying to lick your tonsils

"I think I should get back to the others." I say once I have reclaimed my mouth
He winks and says "I knew it"
I roll my eyes "Get over yourself" and stomp off. And fall over a bar stool. Ouch

So is kissing Rob worse than stacking it in a crowded pub?

I decide the best way to distract myself is to go and talk to Simon and Fishy who are right in the middle of all the other office people. Simon and I start chatting and I decide I want to wear his watch. He lets me wear it and I make him wear my bracelet. We both giggle at this and he gives me a hug.

I actually think I could fall asleep just lying on his shoulder.

Unfortunately I don't. I am not sure how but somehow I end up kissing Simon.

Proper full on passionate kissing for about ten minutes before the sounds of applause stops us

Oh Shit. SHIT

I think we got everyones attention.

We both blush and Simon wanders off to the bathroom.

Andi comes over and asks if I am okay? I say I am fine and I think I will leave soon. I look at the watch on my hand stunned. It is eleven - how did it get so late.

Suddenly a shout makes me look up and I see Simon and Rob being forcibly evicted from the pub. The landlord gestures to us - "you lot out as well". He barks. "And don't bother coming back"

Well we made an impression.

Now the big question.... tomorrow at work how am I going to live this down?

Christmas party, alcohol tears and unexplained objects next morning

2009-12-15T12:31:00.000+01:00

So how can you tell if it was a good office party? I think mine was - here is the evidence:

I wake up on my sofa in last nights clothes
I have a hangover
Memory is sketching
What I do remember I am trying to block out
I seem to have a mans watch stuck on my wrist.Incidentally this does not make showering easy.

I think some rules I suggested were:

Don't drink too much
Don't demonstrate special skills - these include pole dancing putting my legs behind my head or speed of bra removal
Do not insult Ted. I have my appraisal next week - behave...
Don't flirt
Don't do anything stupid with Jamie or anyone else. (for a full list of rules visit here

Well Jamie is still sick so disappointing on the man front. He texts me and said he would be sorry to miss out and we would do something next week but... there goes my mistletoe moment.

Our party starts with a meal - nice sensible and civilised you might think. Wrong we start with a glass of champagne each. Rob Simon and I quickly steal and hide two of the bottles and pass extra under the tables. Andi notices and joins in.

We are then given wine with our meal and by the time it gets to dessert we are pretty.... happy.

At this point the secret Santa gifts are unwrapped. I won't go through all of them but highlights include Robs gift to Ted which was a Mexican bandit outfit. Ted rather drunk and red at this point immediately wears it and insists that we all call him Teduardo for the evening. I buy Rob a book of 101 cheesy chat up lines and an arse face towel. And Laura buys me a huge tray of chocolates.

After the meal we split into two groups - the sensible half and the bad influences. Guess which half I fall into? So Me, Simon, Rob, Andi, Ethan, Ted, Laura and a few of the journalists pile into the pub

After a few more glasses of wine and some tequila shots I am feeling decidedly dizzy. I have talked to ted for a while and I seem to remember telling him that nasal trimmers are just the thing for the modern man.
Is that my pay rise I seem slipping away....

I notice Rob and Laura talking and her suddenly bursting into tears. Andi and I exchange glances and follow. It turns out white wine just makes her teary. How funny I think and then see Andi start crying.

I am a bit shocked at all this crying and then to my horror tear up myself. Which turns into Andi Laura and I having a giggling tearful group hug which is interrupted by Simon and Fishy who both look terrified which makes me and Andi burst out laughing

Laura quickly dishes out cigarettes to herself and Andi. She is about to offer me one when Simon gives me one.

He actually lights it for me and then gives it to me which i find pretty cool and gives me his coat to keep warm.

To be continued .... it was a long night.....

Fishy, phobias and I must get revenge

2009-12-09T21:10:00.001+01:00

Simon and I have been covering the office in tinsel. Rob has been covering himself in mistletoe. Fishy is looking at us like we just escaped an asylum. And Jamie is sick. He called in today sounding like death.... nooo.

Fishy is ... interesting. He and Ethan seem to be getting on well. Ted is bustling with pride that some one would be willing to work with him after enduring a two hour interview. I feel this may speak volumes about the current job market. After a morning of hard work Rob is restless and has been picking on me about everything.

"Hey can you come over here?" He calls
I sigh, Rob has literally covered his desk in mistletoe.
"I don't think it is safe." I say.
"He grins, "I took the bunch out of my trousers."
"Yes you did." I say "And we all saw the crabs scuttling away on your desk."
Simon laughs and we give each other slightly awkward smiles.

Rob wanders off clearly annoyed at not being the centre of attention and Fishy gives me and Simon a weird look.

"Is he coming back?" Fishy asks after a few minutes, "He is supposed to be training me."
He's probably toilet" Simon says and we both laugh again.
When Rob returns I say "Were you wanking in the toilet again Rob? We talked about that before."
He laughs and comes over to my desk putting his arms around me so his hands rest on the desk surface.
"You know you'll be lost without me."
"Yes but the men will have to use less air fresher." I retort.
Rob laughs and goes back to his desk and I go to type

And notice a the huge spider he has left my desk..

Which is moving towards me

THERE IS A SPIDER ON MY DESK!

I back out of my chair screaming and Rob virtually wets himself laughing.

Fishy joins in the laughter and Ethan seems to be torn between laughing and disapproving.

I refuse to go back to my desk until Ethan has taken the spider outside (I won't let him kill it)

Simon gives me a hig and and helps me shift through all the papers to prove the desk is safe now.
"Sorry I didn't get rid of the spider for you" he whispers. "But I can't stand the things.

Unfortunately for Rob I am his secret Santa. At the party he will pay.....

Secret Santa and Fishy drinks

2009-12-08T11:59:00.001+01:00

So last week was eventful highlights were:

Naked Ted pictures - instant diet remedy you will never want to eat again
Scary rabbits
Flashers
Vomit
Hand holding

These did not all happen at the same time but I can see why the connection could be made. But this week will beat it all because Thursday is our Office Christmas Party! An excuse to leave work at midday and drink until they throw us out! Of course I shall be remaining sober and I am not at all excited that Jamie is single.... No definitely not.

But first we have a new boy - Mr Jimmy Fisher aka Fishy (his choice)
Fishy is taking over from Rob at the end of December and Ted is fawning all over him.
"Fishy will bring a level of professionalism that this office is sadly lacking so far." He says looking at me and the sales boys sternly.
"I didn't think you were that unprofessional Ted." I say, "But you may need to work on your people skills.”
Ted gives me an evil smile,
"That reminds me evaluations and pay rises are taking place first week in January so I need to send forms to you."

Oh Crap – yes history has been made Ted has figured out how to shut me up

"So TEAM sales," Ted continues, "And Marketing " Simon interjects,
"Well anyway TEAM TED," Ted continues ,"We need to make a good impression on Fishy. He has great experience and a great CV. The only negative thing is...." WE all look up...
"Apparently he likes a drink a bit too much."
Ethan rolls his eyes, "Ted you told us to take him to the pub for a welcome lunch."
"Oh I know." Says Ted, "Just don't let him get drunk. And that reminds me - it's Christmas party on Thursday and we need to do an office Secret Santa. Who was in last today?"
Everyone laughs
"Right." Ted grins, "Katie you are officially in charge of the Secret
Santa, make sure everyone gets a name and make sure you include Fishy. And No cheating.."

Anyone else think it might have been nice to arrange this more than two days in advance?

How to discourage a flasher and single work mates!

2009-12-04T19:50:00.001+01:00

So just for a change Rob, Jamie, Simon and I all go for drinks. I try to persuade Andi to come but she says she is going to go out with her boyfriend instead. I think she is avoiding Rob...

Rob takes us into a dark dank little pub right near Victoria Station and orders a round of tequila shots.
"What are we drinking to?" I ask
"Drunken women" Rob says.
"They'd have to be paralytic to go near you mate.” Jamie teases.
"Enough." Rob commands, "One, two, three."

Drinks 1-2

"So have you got a present yet for your girlfriend?" Rob asks Jamie smirking in my direction.
"No." Jamie says, "We actually broke up yesterday"
I look up…. Jamie is single? Is this my Christmas present?
"Seriously?" Asks Simon
"Yeah" Jamie replies, "It wasn't really working. Besides I have my eye on someone else."

He has his eye on someone else?? Act casual Kate ACT Casual

I try and ignore the slight blush I can feel and see Simon looking at me.
He says "I think you're in there Rob. You and Jamie make a lovely couple"
Rob laughs, "He wishes"
Jamie laughs, "On that note more tequilas?"

Drinks 4, 5 , 6……???????

Several tequilas later and I seem to have decided it is a good idea to demonstrate the fact that I can put my legs behind my head. Note to self this is not a good thing to do in public especially not when wearing a skirt. Classy Kate really classy – is this why I'm single?

Jamie has decided to go outside and throw up on the pavement and Rob seems to be so drunk that he doesn’t realise that he is feeling Simon up (who is sitting between us) not me. Simon seems torn between laughing and looking violated and is inching away from Rob as close to me as he can. I see Robs hand start stroking his knee and Simon jumps up nervously.

"Think I'd better get going" He slurs.

Rob and Jamie both murmur “light weiighsss” as we stagger out.

Simon and I jump and the train together and sit holding hands for a few minutes. I sort of think this is a bad idea but then the drunk part of me thinks it is a good idea.

As we arrive at Warren Street Simon realises he is going the wrong way and quickly jumps off. I can’t seem to stop giggling and carry on until someone sits next to me.
The train is empty so I find this a little odd but I am feeling sicker and sicker so I stare out of the window and try and concentrate on not throwing up.

Oh God, I think I am going to be sick.

Suddenly the man next to me taps me on the shoulder at which point two things happen.

1 - I realise he is exposing himself...
2 - As I turn around I throw up in his naked lap....

He jumps up and runs off the train at Kings Cross leaving a trail.
Gross - Yes.
Deserved - Maybe.
Am I relieved it wasn't a little old lady asking the time? Oh God yes

Christmas party sweepstake kisses and vomit

2009-12-02T14:21:00.000+01:00

This morning I arrive late as usual to find Jamie looking shift and quickly hiding his computer screen from me.

“What’s that?” I demand
“Nothing.” He says
This is weird Jamie and Rob both look like they were caught with their hands in the cookie jar and Simon is blushing. Ethan looks half disapproving and Ted is nowhere to be seen.

So where’s Ted? I ask

Ethan laughs, “He has a hangover he’ll be in late.”
We all join in laughing

Poor Ted, he had a work event last night and was lecturing all of us on how to learn self control. Apparently he needs to learn this himself.

I offer to make tea and Simon comes to help.
“So what’s the chart?” ask him
Simon looks guilty. “What chart?”
“You are a worse liar than I am!” I say “I thought that was impossible.”
He blushes, “I promised not to tell.”
I do my best pathetic look much to his apparent amusement
“Please tell me?”
He shrugs,
“Christmas party sweepstake.”
The what?
“Sweepstake who will get drunkest throw up, hook up.” He avoids my eyes at the last part.
“Let me guess Rob?” I say

I march over to Jamie’s desk, “Show me the sweepstake now!”
He laughs “Simon cracked after five minutes? Damn I had thirty seconds.”
“Show me it right now or I will pour this hot tea on you.” I say
He laughs and opens up the screen.

Work Christmas Party Sweepstake Place your bets now
Who is most likely to hook up
Kate with Jamie/Rob/Simon
Andi and Rob/Jamie/Simon
Laura and Rob/Jamie
Ethan and Ted
Jamie and May

Most likely to get drunk and be sick first
Jamie
Simon
Rob
Ethan
Andi
Kate
Ted

So I have two questions should I be annoyed and who am I hoping to draw for my £2?

Revenge of the killer rabbits and naked Ted

2009-11-30T14:18:00.000+01:00

So after wounding Rob's er... baubles he has kind of declared war. I am not sure if I prefer this to the flirting. Seeing as he only has a month left he seems to have made sleeping with me his number one goal. I have told him a million times it is not going to happen but he has upped the flirting 100% which seems to be annoying both Andi and Jamie.

I think something might have happened between Andi and Rob but I don’t know how to ask her. I have seen her looking rather red eyed though and have emailed her saying I am here if she needs to talk.

In the meantime today has been interesting. I arrive late as usual only to find someone changed my desktop to a screensaver with a scary rabbit. I promptly starting screaming and run to the other side of the room and hit until Simon changes it for me. I try to go back to my desk with some dignity but everyone is still laughing and then to make matters worse I fall off my shoes.

Don’t you love Mondays?

The days carries on being kind of crappy. I have to give a marketing update in the sales meeting. It is just in front of the guys so not too scary but I still don’t like presentations.

I like them even less when I open up my folder find starring back at me a very well endowed naked man with Teds face photo shopped onto him. It has the message “Hellooooo Dolly” underneath it.

I give a small squeal but try and cover this up with a fake cough.
Ted is giving me a funny look but luckily doesn’t say anything. Unfortunately the picture has had some effect in that every time I look at Ted I blush and the more I try not to the redder I can feel myself going.

“All okay Katie?” Jamie asks, “You look a bit hot and bothered.”

Is murder at work ever justified?

Cokehead boss and baubles taking a hit

2009-11-27T11:44:00.000+01:00

Poor Jay, he seems to have gone further and further into a cocaine filled haze these days. I would feel sorry for him if he wasn't such an asshole. He has been basically threatening all of us with having to work Christmas even and new years even and he has been dangling the promises of a bonus above us. We have a sweepstake in what this will actually be. Jamie thinks 50p.

Jay is so rich and removed from this world he has no idea about having to pay rent and thinks we all dress shabbily as we can't afford designer labels and this from a man who chooses to wear braces?

Jay walked down today with a bounce in his step. I inwardly groaned Jay makes even less sense when he is high.
"Katie I have an idea." He announced. "We take pictures of all of us and create a card on our website. We could make all our heads dance. Start to arrange the pictures. Theres a good Katie."
I glare at his back as he saunters out the office doing alittle jig by the door.

"So your doing a photoshot eh good Katie?" Rob says.
"Shut up." I say
"So you getting your baubles out for this?" He says
"Say that again and you won't be using yours." I say.
" I don't need to say but I can imagine.. ouch" He says as I kick him. Yep in the balls.

Mean or deserved?

Jamie and Simon burst out laughing and Rob hops around for a bit groaning.

I get the feeling Rob is plotting revenge already...

HR nightmare, Ted losing his hair and red cheeks

2009-11-25T13:41:00.002+01:00

There are days when I think Ted is clueless. And other days when I recieve concrete proof.

He announced this morning "I am so sick of bloody job interviews. I never want to see another candidate in my life."
Unfortunately for Ted Rob quitting means he needs to line up a new person pronto so Rob can train him while he is still here.

Poor Ted has been looking stressed and is bullying Simon about interview techniques and impressions after one candidate withdrew his application following a lengthy chat with Ted.
"So during your interview did I come across well?" He demands to Simon
"Um yeah I think so." Simon says looking a bit pink. Jamie grins.
"And you enjoyed it then? And learnt a lot of industry gold?" Ted continues.
Jamie and I both silently shake trying not to laugh.
Simon goes redder and nods umcomfortably at which point Rob takes pity and says, "Leave the poor boy alone Ted he is hardly going to tell his boss if the interview was crap."

Hello Ted this is reality calling - nice to meet you.

Ted looks taken aback and says very seriously,"Simon I and in fact the team, THE TEAM need your honest feedback. Do it for the team."

Jamie Rob and I all laugh simultaneously - good to see who has their minds in the gutter.

Simon sighs and says "Really it was fine."
"Total honesty Simon." Ted says, "feedback and evaluation for the TEAM we should all strive for self improvement. Even experienced managers like me."
"Well I thought that perhaps telling me about your past job history and qualifications for an hour and a half was a little too much." Simon says quietly. "I really liked the pub part though." He adds.

Ted looks shocked by the criticism but recovers quickly.
"Anything else you think I could have sold better?" He says
Simon grins, "well you could have told me Marketing likes to flash occasionally.
I throw my book at him
"Ow"

Come on now children," Ethan says, "How about you do a quick one hour interview Ted and then we have an evening to meet them? Saves everyones time"
Ted nods, "Sounds like a plan, I'm looking to hire someone before Christmas so I figure it will have to be a man."
"Why?" I protest. "I am sick of being outnumbered."
"Can you really see Rob training a hot young dolly without a sexual harassment suit? "
Jamie laughs, "He has you there mate."

He does but dolly? Seriously? Good job we don't have an HR department

Resignations and challenges

2009-11-23T13:11:00.003+01:00

So why are you leaving? We all ask. repeatedly

Rob has insisted that we all buy the first round before we he is saying a word. As annoying as this is I also admire his style. The man certainly knows how to get what he wants.

"Have you got a new job?" Jamie says
"Or are you just going for a pay rise?" Ethan interjects.
Rob laughs “No I am 100% serious guys."
We are all quiet for a moment – the office without Rob?
“But why?” Jamie finally asks.

"Well after breaking up with my girlfriend it got me thinking, I'm 32 and I've been working since I was 16 and mostly in sales. One morning I just thought you know what I want something different. I want more fun while I am single and uncommitted and still have all my own hair. So I decided to book a round the world trip."

"Oh my God you’re actually serious. So when are you flying out?" I say stunned.
"I leave for Hong Kong on the 5th January."

We all are quiet for a moment. Rob can drive me mad on occasions but he is good fun and we will all be really sorry to see him go.
"So are you going to have a leaving do?" Jamie asks
Rob grins, "Do you know me at all mate? Not even just one. I was thinking something along the lines of the twelve drinks of Christmas…. You guys up to it"
The guys cheer
"Besides I know you all want as much of me as possible while I’m still around.” He says giving me a look
I roll my eyes and Ron leans in and gives me a hug, "You know you'll miss me when I am gone."
"Cut out groping me" I say.

The others look up,
"Don't get excited." I say, “It's his thing he gives you a hug and makes sure your chest is pressed against him."
"I feel so left out" said Simon with his best injured look. “What’s wrong with my chest.” We laugh
"Ah the old boob brush." Jamie says. “Tried and tested”
“You two are disgusting.” I say

“Maybe but the ladies love me.” Rob gins
“By ladies do you mean prostitutes?” I ask "Because I am sorry to tell you this but it is not love it’s just money.”
Rob laughs sand punches me lightly "Can you go an hour without being a smartass?"
“Can you go an hour without being a sleaze?" I retort
"See what I mean?" The guys laugh. Traitors.

“Maybe we should make a competition of it.” Ethan suggests.

Now this could liven up the week... just need to think of what he has to do when he loses.....

Poking the beast aka Ted and Rob drops a bombshell

2009-11-16T12:59:00.000+01:00

I think I might have pushed Ted a little further than was fair. He’s still on a major drive to try and motivate the sales team. This includes him standing up and cheering whenever sales come through and now he has decided to hold a weekly meeting on Monday mornings. He initially wanted to hold it at 8:30am so it wouldn't cut into work time. I pointed out that if it didn’t cut into work time did that mean it was optional so the conclusion was it begins at 10am.

Considering I am marketing and not sales I feel a little annoyed at having to go along to another sales meeting.

"Right TEAM" Ted barks at us all - I think he is trying to be motivational but he just looks red and a little sweaty. "I want you all to sell sell sell this week and beat every target."
I sigh I feel tempted to ask if I should market market market but I think he might say yes.

"So TEAM." Ted continues, "Are we ready to be the best we can be this week?"
I sigh and see Simon and Jamie both sniggering across the table and Ethan looking impatient.
"So let’s start with Ethan." Ted booms, "Board Leader again, you are the one to beat so show the guys how to do it."
Ethan sighs and says mildly, "Well I could tell them my sales pitch but to be honest I would rather just get on the phone and earn my commission." He looks around and adds, "Of course if anyone really does want to know more I am happy to let you listen to my calls or give you feedback on yours."
"Great answer Sales man number one." Says Ted clearly not having listened to a word of it. Ethan rolls his eyes.
Ted then turns to me “Now you Kate how are you planning to smash your targets today?"
"Well I don’t work in sales so I wasn't." I say.
"That's not the attitude.” Ted responds. “How do you intend to bring in revenue?"
I sigh “I have some promotional campaigns to analysis today so I can look at future revenues."
"No." says Ted. “Revenue today, how do you intend to bring in money today?"
"I think I will have a sandwich for lunch." I respond.
Ted looks confused and I smirk. Ha that finally got through to him.
"Kate I asked a question." Ted says,
"And I ignored it and moved on." I say.
I got the ears to go purple before 10am - new record and I know I shouldn’t poke the beast but he makes it too easy…

After Ted has finished glaring at me he turns to Rob, "So what are you planning on doing today Rob?" He asks.
Rob smiles lazily. "Well I was planning on resigning."
Mine Jamie's and Ethan’s jaws all drop… what the ...
"Here's my letter" Rob says.

The meeting promptly finishes and Jamie and I grab Rob with the words "Pub lunchtime tell us what is going on!"

Pub conversations, party preparation

2009-11-13T13:20:00.002+01:00

So Kate out of me Rob and Simon which would you?" Jamie asks?

I sigh, "Must we have this again?"

Andi laughs and says “Personally I could never sleep with Jamie." She gives him a hug before saying, "He's like my little brother..... but then I couldn't kill him so it would have to be a boring sexless marriage."

"So who are you shagging then? Rob or Simon?" Rob asks.

She looks a little embarrassed and says, "Well Simon is kinda young for me..."

Rob looks pleased with himself and I give Andi a bit of a look....I have noticed her and Rob seeming very close recently....not that I would mind except for Andi's fiancée. I also know her and her fiancée have been rowing a lot. I lean over and whisper, “Careful remember what he uses to think with.”
She laughs and squeezes my hand.

"So how about you Kate?" Rob asks smugly? “Fancy a shag as well. I know you ladies can’t resist me."
Jamie glares at him "I am pretty sure even Kate is smarter than that!"
"What’s that supposed to mean?" I demand?"
"Just answer the question." He says tensely who do you prefer me or Rob?"

I glare

"Fine I just pushed you both of the cliff and shagged Simon twice."

Jamie glares and stomps off to the bar while Rob laughs.

Simon who has gone a bit pink smiles at me and whispers" I finally survived the cliff drop."

"So why are we on this topic again anyway?" I ask when Jamie returns carrying a tray and lots of drinks and apparently tequila shots.

Rob and Jamie look a little embarrassed.

"You have to tell us now." I say

Rob and Jamie give each other looks before Rob replies, "Well we were talking about the Christmas party the other day...."

I'd forgotten this was coming. The Christmas party or how to make a complete idiot of yourself in front of all your work colleagues.

As Rob goes to the mens room Jamie says to me "So if I was single and there was mistletoe.... hypothetically."
I blush, "So hypothetically how much have I been drinking?" I ask. Jamie smiles and looks pleased with himself. Oh God this is a bad bad bad idea.

Kate's Christmas party do's and don'ts

Do not drink too much - this leads to even more clumsiness, embarrassing conversations, suggestions that your boss dresses up as a giant avocado and lowered inhibitions. None of these are a good idea.
Do not under any circumstances do anything with a work colleague.
If you do break rule 2 at least go outside where no one can see you and hence take the piss for years.
Do not have any wardrobe malfunctions.
Do not talk to Ted - you will end up fired.
Do not revenge flirt with anyone no matter how much provocation.
In fact do not flirt.

Think I can manage any of these?

Big boss, and reasons to leave your drug habit at home

2009-11-11T12:04:00.000+01:00

Today I have been preparing for my Christmas promotion which has actually been a lot of fun. I get to give away champagne to all prized subscribers and go and buy gifts for them. This sounds like fun but unfortunately I have to go with Jay to choose them which is not.

Jay is the CEO - über posh and über annoying. The last meeting I had with him he made a joke about all the minions earning 30K or less. In retaliation I may have spat in his tea...... Yeah I know immature but the man is moron. And incredibly scary I always seem to stammer like an idiot around him.

However today he has brightened the atmosphere, not intentionally. As we are all sat at our desks in a rare moment of working (Yes these do happen) Jay bounces in. Literally. He can’t keep still and is doing a weird little jig.

"Ah the young sales team good good good." He proclaims in his prince Charles-esque nasally voice
We all look up at him. Jay's announcements are dull as hell but we know to pay careful attention or risk being shouted at.

"Everyone is a young vibrant team member here!" Jay says importantly, "And you all have the potential for greatness.Expanding to greatness in the publishing world. Little Acorns Mighty Oak Trees Grow and you are all acorns with potentials to launch that ship."
I glance at Ted and see his ears beginning to go red. After ten more minutes of listening to Jay spout rubbish Ted takes him upstairs for a brief meeting.

When Ted returns free of Jay Simon says,
"Hey Kate do you have any coke in your desk? I'm kind of thirsty?"
I splutter trying not to laugh and Jamie replies, "I have some Simon, I am a complete addict."
"Thanks." Simon smooths his blonde hair his face the picture of innocence.
"You know it is near Christmas." Rob says with a smirk, Anyone got a favourite song?"
"It's got to be Dreaming of a White Christmas" I reply.

Jamie grins, I prefer the more modern stuff, "White stripes anyone?"
"Will you lot shut the F*ck up?" Ted suddenly shouts.

Surreptitiously I glance at my emails - there is one from Laura sent an hour ago saying "Look out for Jay, he got a delivery this morning and has been high as a kite ever since."

Pros and Cons of having a boss with a blatant coke addiction:

Pros: He never notices when we are slacking as he spends a lot of the time out of it
Cons: He is prone to mood swings and scariness.
Pros: he isn't around much.
Con: Ted has more power when he is on another planet.

Quick reminder as well anyone that won a prize Here needs to email me their address. Email covertkate@gmail.com

Thanks

Red thongs, blushing wars, and think before speaking

2009-11-09T14:04:00.000+01:00

Hmmm Ted has obviously been told by Jay to motivate everyone more. The sales are down and Ted is trying to push. So far he has attempted to introduce a round of applause for every sale, a twenty pound win for the board leader and occasional bouts of cheering.

This morning as he comes into the office he sings "Scooby Dooby Doo" and then points and winks.
I ask him politely if he is drunk from last night which does not go down at all well.

Ted then tries to give us a big speech,
"Team remember you have to be the best sales team you can be!" He says chest heaving with emotion.
"Seize your targets and smash them."
I have been preparing to make a sarcastic comment towards this but unfortunately lean back in preparation of my own wit and instead fall backwards off my chair.

While I seem to do fall over a lot this was pretty spectacular... and a bad day to wear a bright red thong. As the team explodes with laughter I pick myself up blushing. Hopefully they will be too polite to comment.

"Wow Kate you've gone as red as hmmmm maybe a pair of very red pants." Jamie says wickedly. "Wouldn't you agree Simon?"
Simon goes bright red as well now we look like the tomato twins.

Great I just flashed two work colleagues. I'm like an unpaid stripper I'm doing it for free.
"Kate I think you embarrassed Simon." Rob observes.
"No I'm fine its all fine." Simon stammers going even redder.
"I don't think Simon liked your underwear Kate." Jamie says.

I glare at him, "Look can you all just get your heads out of my pants." I shout.

I did not just say that.....
" mean," I say weakly but now everyone is laughing too hard to notice. Even Ethan and Simon....

I think I just took the lead in the blushing war with Simon...

Who we are quiz, pay it forward and the colour of Ted's underwear...

2009-11-06T16:55:00.002+01:00

Okay I lied. Ted's underwear will not get a mention. A while ago I took part in a pay it forward game where someone sends you something nice and then you pay it forward. (Edit this is not to do with that Haley Joel Osment film that child terrifies me)

I thought it might be fun to do a bit of a version of my blog - but make it into a bit of a quiz because I'm bored and that sounded fun.

Rules:

Only one prize per person
UK delivery only (sorry but I'm poor)
Try and do something nice for someone else if you win.

Prizes to be won include:

The Kate package: More suitable for women kind of girly with the odd weird addition
The Rob: For the ladies man who likes to drink a lot
The Simon: For the all around nice man or woman
The Jamie: For the sports loving player type
The Andi: The fun and down to earth one
The Ted: For the wannabe micro manager
The Ethan: For the big brother types

To win one of these just give the right answer to the person you want to win. (they are all in the blog somewhere)

To win Kate: How much do I get paid? Won by Lizzie Loves..
To win Simon: How many beers did he drink in the pub interview?
To win Jamie: Who when annoyed at him nicknamed him Gaymie? Won by plentymorefishoutofwater
To win Rob: Does he want to be Beavis or Butthead? Won by bedshaped
To win Ted: What is the best Teddism?
To win Ethan: What was on his socks that upset Ted? Won by I am Roszs. Hear me ROAR. Miaow
To win Andi: Who did she team up with in the latest prank war? Won by Hiding Myself From Me

And here is a short reminder of who everyone is:

Kate: That's me!

Jay – The CEO – a complete snob who loves to talk down to you.

Andi – American admin manager.

Jamie –The cute sales man.

Rob – Salesman and extreme charmer.

Ethan – The office big brother

Simon: the New sales junior, sweet and nice but desperate to prove he is not a total innocent at the moment.

Ted - A.k.a Mr Motivator. Oh dear.

May – Sensible and on occasions scary. Rob and Jamie are bother terrified of her. I think she is great.

Stee - Graphic designer.

Laura - Poor accountant who is stuck working alone with Jay. Very scatty and on the rare occasions she joins us for drinks a lot of fun

Ted updates me on Arthur and I am a bad employee

2009-11-05T15:17:00.000+01:00

Ah the meeting with Arthur. Ted says we need to have a chat this afternoon.

Unfortunately I remember some of my ideas included:

Suggesting we had more attractive people on the covers of our magazines and books. I seem to remember I also went into a ten minute rant about mullet man feature last week
Making Ted dress up as an piece of fruit once a week
Making a few reader quizzes with decent prizes rather than just subscriptions to our stuff. Yes I think those were my actual words.

So I am pretty nervous when Ted takes me into the meeting room.

He clears his throat importantly and says" "Arthur has spoken in depth to Jay about you."
I blush and try to look innocent and wrongfully accused.
Ted looks at me oddly, "Are you all right Katie - you looked a bit deranged."

Oh God I think - stop looking deranged. I can feel myself getting redder and I know I am doing a weird scary starry smile.
"I'm fine." I stammer looking at the floor and trying to stop myself turning into a human tomato.

"Anyway," Ted says clearly deciding being alone in a room with a crazy woman is a bad plan. "Arthur was hugely impressed by your ideas and enthusiasm. So much so he wants you to join our management meetings."

Arthur was impressed I think utterly stunned. Was he drunk too? Then I realise what Ted has said. Management meetings. I look up in horror. These are the most boring meetings in the history of the world

"Are you sure?" I say "I mean I'm not very.....management type."
Good one Kate
"Yes." Says Ted glaring, "Believe me it's not my decision."
"So do I have to do anything?" I ask nervously.
"Not much Ted says, "The occasional presentations, take notes and try not to be a smart ass.You might want to practise that. Extensively."

I hate him.

Ted is the boss, and revenge pranks

2009-11-04T12:26:00.000+01:00

So while Ted ans Ethan are in a meeting I decide they best way to take my mind of what impression I gave to Arthur is to concentrate on revenge. Specifically for Rob. I love him but the man must pay for the double incident.

I grab Simon in the kitchen and enlist him. Simon has some interesting ideas he seems a good person to get on side. We start out waiting until Rob goes to the toilet and double team him. I quickly soak his chair so he will get wet when sitting down and Charlie prints out a note.

Rob is known for taking a while in the toilet so after five minutes Simon and I slip a note under the door. It says
"We know you're wanking in there."

We hear Rob laughing from inside and Andi and May come over to see the commotion. Andi immediately decides to join in but teams up with Rob. (Traitor)
May smiles and warns us to be careful Ted doesn't spot us when he gets back. Rob and Andi pay us back by swapping letters on our keyboards and it all descends to a nice game of office cricket when Ted gets back.
May spots him first and calls us and we are all sitting serenely in our desks by the time he returns.

Ted looks around, "Been working hard all?" He asks
"How was the meeting?" Rob asks Ethan. Ethan smirks, "They liked my socks and I got a signed contract for two months sales.
WE applaud Ethan and Ted looks a little sour.

Teds back, sock rows and bad news....

2009-11-02T11:33:00.004+01:00

So to recap last week was an unqualified disaster. I think I hit a whole new level of stupidity in how not to get promoted - achievements included:

Not making Jamie jealous
Making a complete idiot of myself in front of date who actually turned out to be very sweet - I now have to go to a different coffee shop
Getting drunk before meeting the important shareholder
Kicking the printer so hard I think I might have broken a toe
Arson at Zizzi’s
Following the arson incident admitting what happened on the date to the guys.... who laughed
Then splitting an entire tub of cheer up cookies and cream ice cream with Andi. The ice cream was a cheer up present from Rob. Very sweet but I am still plotting revenge for the G&T's

“But the smallest thing could make a difference to the sale” Ted insists. Ethan sighs clearly trying to remain calm, "Well how about if I don’t make a sale we can ask them afterwards if the four-leaf clovers are the reasons for not signing? I think it is unlikely don't you?" Ted frowns "Ethan it is just we have to convey an image of complete professionalism and your socks are frivolous" "Well the clovers on my socks must be bring me luck." Ethan retorts "Seeing as I am top of the sales board again."

Ouch. It is very unlike Ethan to ever lose his temper or be anything but nice and friendly even to Ted but I can see his point. Ethan is one of the best salesmen. In fact they all seem to have very high figures. Except Ted that is....

After they calm down I settle myself onto some promotions and pretend that I arrived on time. Ted and Ethan are gathering up their belongings when as Ted leaves he says, "Oh Kate that reminds me I need to talk to you about your meeting with Arthur." Arthur is the shareholder.... the one I met whilst a drunken idiot. Oh crap

Hi Simon, jealousy and the fire of karma

2009-10-30T13:59:00.002+01:00

Pretty sure this will go in history as one of my stupidest things to date.
The day started so well. Simon arrived he seems really great. I have put Jamie in a terrible mood by mentioning my lunch date as often as possible. The guys all go to the pub for lunch and I remind them loudly that I am going on a date with coffee guy and might take an extended lunch.
Jamie glares. Ethan rolls his eyes. “Have fun and try not to fall off the shoes Kate.”

Hmm the shoes are lovely it a little difficult to walk in. However I didn’t fall over on the date. I wish…..

I met coffee man who seemed nice, friendly and actually quite good fun. We went to a nice Italian restaurant with candles on the table - nice. He tells me he’s been wanting to ask me out for months which pretty much makes me feel like a maggot for using him to make Jamie jealous. I decide maybe I should move on to some one who is single.

Lunch flies by and we both realize we have to dash back to our offices. He insists on paying. I try to put in half but he won’t let me. As we leave I wipe my hands with the cloth napkin and toss it back onto the table.

On the candle.

Which sets it alight

And then sets the table cloth on fire

I just set the table on alight....

Oh my God it has all gone up in smoke - literally. The waiters run over with jugs of water. I don’t think I have ever been this embarrassed in my life.

I run out of the restaurant.

Yeah he's never calling me again...and I am pretty sure I am banned from that restaurant.

I hate karma. And napkins

Drunk at work, bad influences and meetings

2009-10-28T15:23:00.001+01:00

So I decide to solve my co-worker crush by going to the pub with Rob, Ethan Jamie and Andi.
Very mature I know.

Rob laughs and says he wants to see if I do better with presentations when drunk. Must not drink too much I think as he brings me a Gin and Tonic. This is at midday my meeting is at 3pm. It will be fine.

Gin and Tonic number 1

Rob is probably right a drink will help the nerves when meeting the shareholder of our company I think. And Rob is being very sweet and keeps offering to get more drinks

Gin and Tonic number 2

Oh did I mention Ted is on holiday so there is no pressure to get back to work…

We begin chatting about various topics that I am going to suggest you keep out of your own office including:

If Ted realises that we all steal his biros every time he gets a new one.

If you cut off and ate your own arm (not taking bleeding into consideration whether you would weigh the same or less) I suggest less due to calories burned eating it.

If you would rather lose a leg or never be able to have sex again

If you would consider incest if your sister looked like Angelina Jolie.

Gin and Tonic number 3

I haven’t eaten today and I have had three G&T’s and feel very bad...

Ethan suddenly says “We’ve been over two hours we better get back to the office.”

There are groans all around and I try to stand up and realise the floor is moving. It seems very funny.

Ethan looks at me in horror – “How much have you had?”

“I’m not sure.” I say smiling, “Rob brought me drink to drink.” I laugh and fall over. Ethan rolls his eyes and says “He’s been giving you doubles you idiot”

Oops.

I end up being carried by Ethan back to the office. We meet May there who takes one look at me and starts yelling at Rob. I try to tell her not to be cross but can’t stop laughing.

The next half hour consists of Andi and May feeding me toast and coffee continually and by the time our shareholder arrives I can at least walk. Not sure I made a good impression...

Things I learnt today:

Never let Rob buy you a drink

Ethan is surprisingly strong

May is wonderful in a crisis

Instant coffee tastes like crap

Men will commit incest if their sister is hot enough

Kreativ Blog Award

2009-10-27T14:20:00.003+01:00

Woo I just won my first award ever -the Kreativ Blogger award, given by Plentymorefishoutofwater. He is hilarious and I recommend everyone follows him immediatel

As part of this I need to write seven things about me ... so here goes seven previously undisclosed facts about Kate:

1 My arms, legs hands, wrists and feet are all double jointed. It can seriously freak some people out.

2 My nicknames include: Daisy, Kitkat, Cactus, Blondie, Trouble and Elliot-alike

3 Apparently I remind lots of people of the blonde girl from Scrubs due to extreme blondness and how high and fast I talk. This gets made worse when i am flustered or annoyed

4 I refuse to leave the house unless my underwear is matching and pretty. This is not in case I get killed by a bus but in case I survive it and am operated on by a cute doctor.

5 I really struggle to make things work on the blog. Case in point the sentence above is in italic and it is not meant to be.

6 I have to carry my passport around with me in order to get served in bars which is really annoying as I am over 25!

7 I have total rabbit phobia much to everyone’s amusement. The sight of a rabbit makes me scream a fact that my workmates use to their advantage often. It stems from Watership Down a terrifying film I watched when I was very young

Finally, I must pass on this Kreativ Blogger award someone else. I really struggled as there are so so many amazing bloggers but I finally narrowed to three so honourable mentions go to:

http://youmakemydate.blogspot.com - I have only been following Sara for a short time but she is so funny. As a dating disaster she is letting the public vote on what she does when dating. It's almost a reality TV show in a blog...but better.

http://thelifechick.blogspot.com The stories in this blog are inspired by the funny, tedious, or painfully humiliating experiences - definitely worth checking out

And the winner is: Danzers!
A real-life light-hearted serial about a midlife crisis, why his wife might be a Prostitute and how he's going to leave her and move to the South of France with a Polish pole-dancer! Happy reading.

So thanks again Fish!
Kate x

Silly games, flirting, jealousy in a far too small office

2009-10-26T13:18:00.002+01:00

I must stop having a crush on my co-worker especially now he has a girlfriend it is becoming embarrassing.
Today Jamie and I have been scoring points (no not the fun kind.) Every sentence he says starts with "My girlfriend" In retaliation I have responded with constant mentions of "My date."

Rob eventually gets annoyed and starts pelting the pair of us with crumpled paper balls. I decide to join him for a cigarette despite the fact I don’t smoke.

"So what’s going on with you and Jamie?" He asks
"Nothing" I say "he has a girlfriend remember."
Rob laughs "Yeah but that’s just another notch on the wall for him."
"Yeah exactly." This is the problem with being one of the boys. You learn stuff about them that you probably shouldn't.

Rob gives me a hug and says.
"You know I'm still single...."
"Yes and just last week you told me you were looking to shag your way through a rugby team by the end of the year." I say.
He laughs "I could try not to."
"While that is tempting I think I’ll pass. Besides I have to work for this stupid presentation I’m giving this afternoon remember?"
Rob smiles - "Dutch courage that’s what you need."

I get the feeling this is a really bad idea. Must not drunk too much and make idiot of self in front of shareholders. Must not be so nervous I can't speak in front of shareholders, must not fall over in front of shareholders.

As we walk back into the office Jamie loudly mentions his girlfriend.

I email Rob saying a drink sounds like a great idea.

Simon says... stay of execution and a date!

2009-10-23T18:41:00.002+02:00

So Simon was offered the job!

Ted rang his recruitment consultant this morning and said how impressed he was by this young mans demeanour. Not to mention the other one ran away screaming eh Ted?

Simon for some unknown reason has accepted and is joining us on Wednesday next week. True to form we have immediately organised welcome to the team drinks for Wednesday lunch. Even better as Ted is on holiday Tuesday and Wednesday next week.

It was also a good day as I ended up not having to do my presentation in the dreaded management meeting. To explain why this is so scary once a month every Friday all the managers which include Ted, Jay, Andi and May have an all day meeting with one of our shareholders.

It tends to go on until past five and at lunchtime Andi emerges and begs each of us in turn to either poison shoot or incapacitate her so she doesn’t have to go back. I also hate giving presentations. This week though they were so busy there wasn't time for a marketing presentation. The shareholder is popping in Wednesday afternoon to meet me so I can give it to him one to one. So bets on whether I can do this without screwing it up? Or blushing?

And I have a revenge flirting plan. Jamie is still going on about his new girlfriend constantly... but I have a date. Every week I go and grab a coffee at about 11am. For the last month a guy called Tim has been chatting to me - he works in the area and has been pressing for a lunch date. So I am going out with him next Thursday. Take that Jamie.

Right off for Jacks leaving do - must make sure I mention the date.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Job interviews and scoring 6 out of 5

2009-10-22T12:58:00.002+02:00

The two interviewees - just to recap there was Simon the sweet and nice guy who seems a little shy and Janice the louder of the two who seems good fun but has the worlds most annoying laugh.

However, Janice clearly didn't like the look of us as she left after just one glass of wine and said she wanted to "Go spend time with her real friends." Ouch.

As the night went on Ted was being his normal incredibly annoying self - insisting Simon spends five minutes chatting to each of us individually as an informal interview. Simon rolled his eyes at this but took it well.

I go and take my five minutes of Simon time after Ted bribes me with another drink. I hate it when Ted is smart.

I awarded Simon a point system during the interview - not for the purposes of hiring him but just whether I thought we'd get on. His score is below

"Hey Simon I'm Kate." I say
He smiles and says, "I feel like I've gone speed dating or something which is weird as you are the first female I've gotten - do you think I should ask for my money back."
I laugh.
"So on a scale of one to ten how bad has this interview been?" I ask
He laughs again "Well crap but I have been brought five beers. Unfortunately I get the feeling Ted still expects me to be making sense."
"Yes he has weird ideas about thing like that." I admit.
He looks around surreptitiously and whispers, "My first interview lasted two hours and the first hour was just Ted telling me about his own CV. I felt like thanking him and saying he had the job."
"An hour of his CV? And you came back? Why?" I ask.
He blushes and says sheepishly, "My recruitment consultant told me there would be free drinks."

I like him!

How I scored points :

Being cute - 1 point
Being cute enough that I saw Jamie look annoyed when we were talking - HA - 1 point
Making fun of Ted - 1 Point
Making fun of Ted again - 1 Point
Admitting he only came to the interview for free drinks - 1 Point
Blushing - 1 Point

Alcoholic interviews part one - One vodka and tonic later

2009-10-21T13:44:00.000+02:00

Well to kick things off with a flying start Ted invited both candidates along at the same time. I knew he couldn't get it right for very long.

“Er you didn’t want to keep them separate?” I ask. Rob raises his eyebrows at this.
“No.” Says Ted, “I thought it would save time and money to do it all in one go.”
“But don’t you think they might feel a bit awkward knowing they are both competing for the same job?” Rob asks tactfully.
Ted frowns and the looks up brightening. “We could sell it like X factor, competing for one spot.”

What planet does this man live on?
Rob and I exchange dubious looks.
“Ted this is a junior sales position not a record contract.” I point out gently

Ted looks confused. “And?”
“God were you out for pizza when tact was handed out?” I say.

I know he is my boss and I should not lose my temper but.... the man is an idiot. I roll my eyes and turn to Rob who is laughing
Rob nudges me and says “Er Kate you were probably out when they were giving us tact too.”
“Yeah but at least I stuck around for brains rather than asking for excess nasal hair.” I retort.

Note to self - before making mean remarks about your boss - check said boss is not standing right behind you. Luckily I am saved by one of our interviewees arriving. A rather scared looking young guy who seems shyer than I would expect a sales guy to be. Seconds later the other candidate turns up, a girl who seems quite fun and outgoing but laughs like Janice from friends.

Who do you think we should vote?

Man trouble and blind drunk interview techniques

2009-10-20T12:33:00.000+02:00

Today has not been good. I should have stayed in bed.

Things that make a bad Tuesday:

Running out of tea bags without caffeine I am neither pleasant nor useful)
Falling over when getting off the bus
Ripping stockings in said fall and having to spend £7 on new ones
The fact that I made myself bleed in the fall
The lack of sympathy from my workmates
Ted looking at me and saying "You look TERRIBLE Kate."
Jamie's new girlfriend

I know I shouldn't be jealous. We are just friends. Who flirt and text occasionally thats it. But he is being so annoying. If I hear one more word about his hot date tonight I might accidently spill tea on him.

I decide that revenge flirting is promptly needed. I consider calling Chris the sweet journalist. Then I remember my last attempt at flirting with him nearly lead to a restraining order.

I sigh - maybe this is a good thing I can stop having mixed feelings for a colleague and yet knowing I should not act on it. It will be a good thing. This is a good day. Then just when I perk up one the elastic in one of my stockings promptly snaps. Making a noise. While I am wearing a short skirt.

Yes having hosiery fall off your leg must be as bad as it gets...

"Katie?" Ted calls "Did I tell you that you need to give a presentation in the meeting on Friday?"

Kill me now...

Miracles can happen - Ted does something good!

2009-10-19T12:35:00.002+02:00

I mentioned a few entries back that Jack was on probation. Well Jack has now found another job paying him 5k more and is buggering off at the end of the week. Nice one Jack!

In light of this Ted has been panicking about being a salesman down and is finally doing some serious interviewing. Between this and our planned office move happening next Friday work has been well and truly relegated

Ted has been interview various people to replace Jack and hearing his opinions is hilarious. The first "Young chap" he interviewed was "Very green, not at all what we need in a fast paced company."
"But I thought he was interviewing to work here." I respond
"Do you have listed on your CV under special skills being a complete smart arse Kate?" He says but with a grin.
"Better smart than dumb" I say.
Ted laughs. "I think I'm calling that one a draw Kate." He says.
"Spoken like a true loser." I tell him. I know I am pushing it but he is in a jolly mood as he has found two potentials so I think I can get away with what he calls "The banter"
I won't correct him and call it "the truth.

Ted has asked Jamie to come and help on the interview process but Jamie is a bit worried about losing all his sales. With Jack on the way out he still needs to hit his targets if he is going to buy us all a drink (He lost a bet with Rob)

Ted suggest that perhaps a good way of seeing if the potential candidate fits in is taking him and us to the pub after work one night. And buying all our drinks until 8pm

The man is a genius! First office/pub interview is tomorrow evening.

Here you are - sit next to me

2009-10-15T11:32:00.002+02:00

So we are back to work - or at least some form of work. Sales calls are made, marketing letters are created, printers are kicked.

Everything with Jamie and Rob is back to normal or at least as normal as the pair of them ever get. They are closer than ever but they have started lots of new competitions. So far we have had the sensible who can get the most sales in that afternoon - an activity that Ted approves of greatly to who can fit the most scotch eggs in their mouth. That was pretty grim. There is talk of who can drink the most later on the week. That could be interesting especially as it is Ethans birthday tomorrow.

Ted meanwhile has spent the last few days making various new seating charts for downstairs with changes and amendments along the way. And absolutely nothing else.

"I've finally got a good seating plan." He tells me proudly. "What do you think."
"Very nice." I say unconvincingly while looking down at my work. I am totally swamped today and really don't have time for Ted.
Ted looks at me and says, "Come now Kate I want you to be 100% honest so I know everyone is happy."
I sigh, "You know it is never a good idea to ask me to be 100% honest Ted."
He looks irritated and snaps, "Just tell me what you think."
"Fine." I say. "I think this seriously took two days of work. It's a damn seating plan!"
I see his ears go a little red and him take a breathe.
"So you don't care where you sit then?"
"Not especially." I respond carelessly.
"Thats good." He says with an evil grin, "Because you and I are sharing a desk."

I can't believe it. Ted got me!

Do not crap where you eat or in my case work

2009-10-14T10:32:00.002+02:00

So Rob and I are back to normal. It's hard to stay mad at him he is too annoyingly charming.

Things with Jamie are more difficult.
We had to work together today on creating a new sales brochure for him. I suggest a few ideas and he grunts. I ask his opinion and he monotones that whatever I think is fine.

This is not fun. After half an hour of working with a brick wall next to me I suggest I might get further doing this by myself. He mutters " you might prefer to ask Rob."

I glare at him, "Grow the hell up Jamie, there is nothing going on with me and him or me and you. I like men." Cheap shot I know but seriously...

He narrows his eyes at me
"Oh my apologies Kathryn."
I glare as him I hate being called Kathryn and he knows it. "No problem Gaymie."
This is the reason you shouldn't flirt with your workmates - it makes us act like children.

After we finish up I gather all the information up and stalk towards to lift. And promotly fall over into it. Jamie immediate dashes in with a concerned "Are you okay Katie?" and helps me up.
"I'm fine." I say blushing "Just clumsy."
I don't say anything for a moment and then look at him. He smiles shyly at me.
"So are we okay Kate?"
I smile hooray I finally found an advantage to my ability to fall over a spec of dust!
He grins. "Don't worry if I try and hit on you again I'lll wait until you are drunker."

Er is that a good thing?

I am sulking until you make me tea

2009-10-13T20:31:00.001+02:00

(Sorry I meant to post this Monday but I am completely computer inept!)

It's Monday and my many reasons to be grumpy include:

I overslept this morning. (worse than usual)
I have mad hair seriously I look like the victim of a power surge. Must get a hair cut.
I am still annoyed at two of my workmates for the events of Friday.
Ted "hem heming" when I arrive and pointing at his watch. (Admitedly it is half nine and I am half an hour late.
The office is still not switching the heating on and I am freezing.
I think my pants show through this skirt.

Great.

I arrive and plan to make my know to both Rob and Jamie. Instead of a good morning I shot both of them my best evil stare.
"Morning Kate" Ethan says and I glare at him as well - oops
"Something in your eye?" He responds. I sulk.

Ted has been very busy today trying to decicde where we are all going to sit when we make the move downstairs. He mentions that he wants me to be in the hub of the sales team. I mutter that I hope I don't catch anything Rob sniggers and my inbox pings a second later.

"You still mad at me? I'll make you tea if you lighten up."

I reply
"Tea is a start"

He reponds,
"I'll put the kettle on - by the way can I be Butthead? I just don't feel like a Beavis."
I evil stare him again.

My email pings once more and says

"Open your top draw."
I do and find a huge bar of chocolate. I don't like chocolate but the thought is sweet.

He pings again with
"Forgiven."

I laugh.

The next email says
"Thank God. Your evils are seriously crap."

Hmmmmph

I have a very sore head....

2009-10-09T10:38:00.003+02:00

Ouch my head hurts....maybe this post should be renamed reasons why trying to be nice is a bad idea.

Well I feel awful and have limited memory of last night. Note to self must learn to say no. I was tempted to call in sick today but decided to come in and face the music.

I arrive pale and wearing sunglasses (only ten minutes late so progress) and attempt to smile. If you are smiley you can't possibly be hung-over right?

Jamie keeps giving me funny looks making me paranoid, my hair is curlier than usual hair and I am makeup free. While I don’t wear makeup everyday I tend to skip if hung-over. Bad idea as I am looking suspiciously flushed today and I keep blushing under Jamie’s scrutiny.

“Late one last night Kate?” Jamie says accusingly.

I blush and stammer something noncommittal. Must get through this day must get through this day.

I make it to lunch without being sick or saying anything stupid. Mostly managed by not speaking though I answer the phone once with the wrong company name. I don’t think anyone noticed.

At lunch I go and get a huge coffee and look at my phone - I have a text from Rob saying “Thx for being so lovely last night”

Back in the office I smile at him in what I hope is a reassuring way butnon flirtatious way. I like that he trusts me I just wish I could remember more about what happened. I remember telling him something about my on/off (currently off) boyfriend which is embarrassing. Plus I am having weird flashbacks which makes me think he might have made a move.

At the end of the day the guys suggest coming out. I refuse. Well done Kate I think.

After work I get a text from Jamie saying: “What’s happening with u & Rob???”

I also get a text from Rob saying: “Are you and Jamie involved?”
Oh crap...I respond to both saying no.

I then get identical clearly drunk texts from them a few hours later saying "If you choose between me and Rob/Jamie which one? drink Monday? xxx”

Great I appear to have ended up as the prize in a male pissing competition.

I reply saying "Dear Beavis/Butthead - sleep it off"

It’s going to be a bad Monday.

eyecream.org

Workmates with girl trouble and too much tequilla

2009-10-08T11:16:00.005+02:00

Time for the updates on last night and the biggest revelation - Rob has a sensitive side. Seriously - who knew?

In all seriousness poor Rob is going through a really hard time. It turns out his on off girlfriend is now off for good. Apparently Rob realised she was waiting for him to commit to something serious. Realising he didn't feel the same way he decided his only option was to call it off. I mentally melted at this - bad boy with a sensitive side - focus Kate you are here to listen and be sympathetic.

I encourage him to keep talking and after a few more drinks Rob looks distinctly teary. I feel horrible I never realised he was going through such a bad time and whenever I see anyone cry it always makes me cry. I give him a hug and tell him that he did the right thing. If it was me I would rather he was honest - at least it would let me be free to get over him and find someone else.

He sighs and says he wishes he could love her and he has really tried to feel more than he does but can't. He asks me if I think he is too shallow and admits he doesn't think he has ever been in love and is worried he won't ever be.

"I'm thirty two." He says. "I should be thinking about settling down and having children. Is there something wrong with me?"

I feel so bad for him and I give him a big hug. I tell him he will find the right person and he has done the right thing.

Rob laughs self consciously and thanks me for listening to him - "I can't talk to many people" He admits.

I smile and tell him anytime although in all honesty I am not sure how great I am being. Occasional hugs and arm patting is about all I have managed.

Rob suggests we get more drinks in and when i get back from the toilet I find him with two drinks and a shot of tequila each. I get the feeling my reward for listening to him is going to be one hell of a hangover tomorrow

Thaw

2009-10-07T15:34:00.001+02:00

Fiona Robyn is going to blog her next novel, Thaw, starting on the 1st of March next year. The novel follows 32 year old Ruth’s diary over three months as she decides whether or not to carry on living.

To help spread the word she’s organising a Blogsplash, where blogs will publish the first page of Ruth’s diary simultaneously (and a link to the blog).

She’s aiming to get 1000 blogs involved – if you’d be interested in joining the splash, email her at fiona@fionarobyn.com or find out more information here.
http://www.fionarobyn.com/thawblogsplash.htm

Thank you!

Welcome to the basement goodbye sun...

2009-10-07T11:03:00.003+02:00

So we are moving office....

Ted emerged today puffed up and asked for complete silence as he had something of the utmost importance to tell us. (I think it rather spoilt the effect that Andi had told me and Jamie yesterday.)

"We are all moving to the basement except accounts and Jay. This move will allow us to have more space and will bring sales and marketing closer." I frown I rather like my position far enough away from Ted that I don't feel the need to kill him yet....

As Andi made me and Jamie promise not to tell anyone (I didn't - he told Rob) and act surprised I let out a loud gasp
work
Ted shouts me a glare - "Enough of the sarcasm thank you Kathryn"

Oops I may have overdone that and since when does he call me Kathryn?
Oh right.

After the nightmare that was my fathers phone call on Mondays revealing my childish nickname of Cactus we started talking about our names. Me and Rob are both only ever called our full names when we have done something very bad. Apparently Ted while not participating in the conversation was listening. Oops

I have been worried about Rob this week - he hasn't been his normal self - even messing with my phone on Monday doesn't seem to have made him as smiley as it would usually. Rob could charm the birds from the trees usually so it is strange to see him looking gloomy.

I email him and ask if he is okay.

He replies saying no and would I come for a quick drink with him tonight as he could use a friendly ear and decent listener. He asks that I don't tell Jamie and it is just the two of us.

This seems so unlike him - I agree immediately and hope I can help.

At the end of the day Jamie asks me what I am doing and I reply that I am not sure. He asks if I will be around for a drink nd I say no. Unfortunately I am a terrible liar and I think my flaming cheeks are giving me away. Luckily he leaves - a bit huffily and once the coast is clear Rob and I head to the usual place.

Never give parents your work number

2009-10-05T13:09:00.003+02:00

The first Monday since Jim finished. Sigh. Ted is officially in charge now and so far so bad

I arrive in the office (9:20am) and sneak inconspicuously towards my desk. If I tiptoe no one will notice I am late. Jamie rolls his eyes when he sees me.

Still I don't think Ted noticed. In fact he doesn't appear to be here, nor does Andi. "They are in a meeting with Jay." Rob says guessing what I was thinking. I hate it when he does that.
"What is the meeting about?" I ask
"Timekeeping." Rob says and then bursts out laughing.
"I hate you." I say blushing.

I go up and make tea for the group. It's my penance for being late.

When I get back to me desk Jack Ethan and Rob are crowded around it playing with me phone. It is now on loudspeaker and no one can seem to change this. Great.

At that point my phone rings - I shush the guys so I can sound professional on my call.

"Good Morning Small Anonymous Publishing company, Kate speaking" I say in my best posh voice
"Cactus! Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy Birthday dear Katie happy birthday to you!" Sings my dad down the phone.
Oh God I think I might die.
"Er thanks Dad." I say, "But it’s not my birthday today it's Emma's" (my sister)

Note to self - giving parents your work number is a bad idea.

Email truth or dare - inappropriate?

2009-10-01T13:38:00.001+02:00

It's been a quiet afternoon.

Jim went home early (he's been doing that a lot since he quit - Jim I am the queen of headache excuses and I know you are faking) and Ted has been blustering through a series of phone calls with limited sucess. By limited I mean no sucess.

Jamie emails a few of us suggesting we liven things up with a few office games. The few us of silly enough to agree at now getting strange looks from the the rest of the office. Joe has looked over with a confused look more than once and May has sent me an email with the words "Behave Katie!" written in them.

May is lovely but a few years older than me and I seem to have tapped into her protective side. She told me yesterday she worries about me getting into trouble with the boys. I don't like to tell her I have been getting into trouble with various boys for several years now. Besides her intentions are good and I like her.

So far this afternoons games start tamely, pass the cough, secret Mexican wave calling Ted's phone surrepticiously from one of our mobiles and then hanging up when he answers, calling Ted's phone from the toilets and asking to order pizza, after the last one of those I saw the ears go purple again so suggested we moved on. It moved on to clothes swapping. This involves us all emailing a number between one and ten to Ethan who is acting as ref and the two closest numbers going to the toilets and coming back wearing an article of each others clothes.

So far I am wearing a bracelet of Andi's Jamies tie and one of Rob's socks. Rob is standing out the most in one of my stockings and Jamies shirt.

I really hope management can't read our email accounts and Ted stays so utterly oblivious...

I need to learn to be nice or at least civil to my boss....

2009-09-30T10:28:00.001+02:00

So poor old Jack. Not for struggling with the job but for being on the receiving end of an email like that.

I feel I might not have helped matters. Ted asks me if I had seen the email
"Yes." I say. "Wow I hope if I fall out of favour by that time we can afford to broadcast it on TV or at the very least webcam."
Ted glares at me. "That wasn't the case and you know it Kate."
I smile at him, "Do you think I could borrow a pen?" I ask, "I was going to give you my parents and grandparents emails so you can CC them if you decide to fire me. If only Jack had thought of that."

Oh crap his ears are going red - never a good sign
“Not fired but helped to find a more suitable career.” Ted retorts, “Anyway don’t you think things in a small office should be transparent without secrecy?”

“Maybe.” I respond, “So as we are being open what’s your salary and bonus?”

Okay may have crossed a line the ears actually turning purple now - shut up Kate shut up.

Ted storms off and I try to remind myself that thinking before opening my mouth is a good idea. Actually this shouldn’t just apply to work...

Jamie and Rob both burst out laughing as soon as Ted leaves the office and Rob gives me an appraising look. “You’re never going to be a yes man are you Katie?”

Perhaps not but when I do say something nice they know I mean it. Surely that counts for something. And I am a terrible liar so why bother....

Ted returns noticably calmer and gives me a slightly amused smile. Phew in the spirit of being a good employee I make him a cup of tea. Cups of tea solve everything right?

Must be nice today must be nice...

Hiring and firing - and how not to.

2009-09-29T13:30:00.001+02:00

Oh dear. Staff changes are coming...

Despite my many examples of making a tit of myself I am in the clear. I just created a new marketing promotion that brought in an extra 20K worth of subscriptions. They aren’t firing me any time soon. In fact I am Jay’s new favourite girl.

Unfortunately being Jay's favourite is not fun. He keeps leering at me what I can only imagine he thinks is projecting encouragement. To me is looks more like constipation. He has called me a "very good girl" several times today at one point came close to patting me on the head. Seriously….

I may have let out a small growl to discourage this which caused Rob to break out in a suspicious bout of coughing. Rob has now taken to winking at me whenever Jay walks in miming good girl. Still my fake laugh coughing seems to be keeping Jay away.

The person in the firing line is Jack - American sales guy who talks in permanent monotone. I feel bad for him. Jim is leaving this week and poor Jack never got any training. Jamie tried to help a bit but he is pretty busy so Jack has ended up left with a poor sales record.

So how did I find this out? Surely someone being on employment probation should be private? Not according to the gospel of Ted.

Ted apparently thinks the best way to encourage him would be to send the following email:

Dear All,

As you may be aware Jack joined us recently. However, I am sorry to say he has not passed his probation period. We have extended this another month but I do not feel sales is the career for him. If after the additional month nothing changes we will be recruiting for a replacement. Jack will be welcome to stay on in an administrative role until he finds a new job.

Regards

Ted

Head of Tact and Discretion

Oh Ted just when you were doing so well. On the plus side at least he couldn't find a megaphone. The man is clueless.

Watch out for the quiet ones

2009-09-28T12:01:00.001+02:00

Well after last weeks series of embarrassments things can only get better.

I am going to start this Monday as the new Kate. The professional Kate the one that never embarrasses herself or says stupid things.

I decide to go with Laura for lunch - Laura seems sensible so it should be safe. Wow was I wrong let this be a lesson quiet does not equal sane.

Laura it turns out is crazy . She decided rather than lunch we should drink a bottle of wine. In my defence I did protest (a little) thinking no good could come of it. I was right. I hate being right.

After the bottle of wine on an empty stomach feeling queasy I managed to lean against a wall and get a black stain on my bum. Classy.

Then after making myself coffee to sober up I spilt half of it down my top. Ouch! Not only is my pretty pink top stained but it hurt like hell and splashing cold water didn't really help.

So spent the afternoon looking like I had an accident on my way to enter a wet T shirt competition.

Andi gives me a hug which makes me feel a bit better though. She still loves me.

I decided to put my headphones on and listen to happy music. I couldn't cause trouble that way... you would think.

I listened to Scissor Sisters and actually got some work done creating marketing campaigns when a sudden tap on the shoulder made me jump. I looked up to see Rob grinning at me.

“What?” I say grumpily.

“You do know you have been singing filthy gorgeous out loud for the last five minutes?”

I’m going to buy shoes.

Anyway I’m a good singer... they are just jealous...

Thank God this week is over!

2009-09-25T11:24:00.001+02:00

This has felt like a long and hard week but it is finally Friday – yay!

Not only was I too embarrassed to look one of my workmates in the eye after blatant flirting I decided to ward off any potential gossip was to flirt outrageously with one of the journalists. Smart move.

His name is Chris and well is he hot, single and famous?
Unfortunately not. He is a year older than me but looks twelve. Skinnier than me and painfully shy. He blushes even more than I do.

Perhaps I should have found someone more suitable.

Well my flirting attempts are such a success that Chris seems terrified to be around me, when he left the office and I said goodbye he backed away from me and I detected shaking.

Should I start Kate’s guide to repelling men? Apparently I’m a natural.
To make matters worse I am sure Rob and Jamie guessed exactly what I was up to and were not fooled. There was a certain amount of sniggering from their end of the office.

This afternoon once Chris has escaped I am feeling more relaxed. Even Ted seems cheerful and we all start chatting about plans for the weekend. Rob has been boasting non stop about his weekend plans with the latest conquest.
"The words too much information, mean nothing to you do they?” I comment.
Rob laughs and responds, "Too much information nothing. I'm all about the women, talk to them, take them out, treat them right."
I smile.
"Wow Rob that's great - maybe one day you'll be ready for a real girl rather than an inflatable."
He gives me a look, "Jealous Katie?"
"Oh sorry Rob." I say seriously, "But I like men..."

I am rewarded with a laugh from Ted and Jamie but I think Rob is plotting revenge. Note to self do not let him make me a drink.

Edit - apologies to earlier readers I accidently hit publish without having done my spellcheck. Oops!

When I get nervous I get even clumsier - run for your life!

2009-09-24T11:47:00.000+02:00

Today reason not to flirt with workmates.

The morning after sending suggestive text messages you feel stupid. I have not managed to look Jamie in the eyes once today even when he made me a cup of tea. And I wasn't the one initiating things. And to make matters worse he seems to find my embarrassment really funny.

Feeling uncomfortable in the office makes me do stupid things. Case – I have fallen over twice today – once rather spectacularly down a flight of stairs landing in an undignified heap at Jay’s feet. Jay laughed at me. Lots. Bastard.

Blushing – if like me you are prone to going pink you will spend the entire day looking like a tomato.

Being distracted. I seem to be on planet blonde today. Laddered one of my stockings and walked around the office with only one on for an hour before Evan told me. Rob and Jamie are both still sniggering in my direction.

Rumours – one thing I do not want it to get a reputation or be gossiped about. Still I have thought of a cunning way to deflect suspicion. There is a journalist who works on one of our magazines coming in today. If I flirt with him then no one will suspect anything is happening with Jamie.
Which it isn't. It's a genuis plan.

Right drinking more caffine will put me at ease.

What could possibly go wrong?

We take pity

2009-09-23T10:36:00.003+02:00

I am having trouble typing this but I actually feel a bit sorry for Ted.

After his list of rules the mood in the office which since my little addition now has the following additions:

Employees must bow when entering the room
Smiling will not be tolerated
Anyone found with chocolates will have to write fifty lines
A school uniform must be worn at all times
An office rabbit will be introduced

I am sure the last one was Rob. I hate him

I think it is safe to say the rules won't be enforced and Ted is looking glum despite his incredibly irritating tendencies I feel sorry for him. I think deep down there might be a nice person struggling to get out.

I chat to Jamie to see what he thinks. I tell him I feel bad for Ted and he openly laughs at me,
"Katie you would feel bad for a mass murderer if you saw them looking upset."
"But I feel bad for him." I protest. "Please? Please?"

Jamie rolls his eyes at me but smiles and even manages to get Rob on board. They decide to take Ted to the pub that evening and have a chat – just to try and help him fit in. I think this is a good idea and demand a full update in the morning. Jamie texts me at seven and says "we're still there - Ted is ok when you get him away from Jay"
I text back:
"See I was right! Ha! Remember Ted is still the boss don't not drink too much x"

He responds a few hours later with:
“Ted and beer and rob and me drinming. More fun with you there too xxx”

I feel partially flattered and partially worried. I hope he isn’t saying anything incriminating. My phone rings again at ten to midnight and I hastily cancel the call. I get a text saying “thinking of you Katie xxx”

Must not flirt with workmates. Must not!

I don't reply. Oh God tomorrow could be interesting...

Prank phone calls and doughnuts - all in a days work

2009-09-22T11:39:00.002+02:00

We have a magazine going to print in three days and zero sales. Ted is out of the office all day and clearly the sales guys are all working hard making calls.... yeah right.

In fact team are trying to get the word "lubricating" into a call with bonus points if they can actually close the sale. There are doughnuts to be won for the winner

Ethan gets the next call. He is polite and professional but at the end of the call apologies if there was a rustling noise explaining, “In this weather my lips get chapped unless they have constant lubricating.” Jamie and I instantly exchange looks –and I blush. Obviously we both have dirty minds – note to self flirting with workmates is a bad idea.

Rob decides to take the next one. We listen to his outrageous flirting with the buyer and he says it has been an illubricating experience. We all groan. Minus points for outrageous flirting and not using the word properly.

Jim calls one of our biggest clients a well known bank. He gets through to the reception and tells the poor girl (on speaker) that he is in a van with a delivery of five hundred doughnuts and is she authorized to take them. She sounds confused.

“Are you the man in the blue van?” she asks,

“Yes!” Jim asserts much to our amusement “And I need to deliver these five hundred doughnuts into your office.” He coughs to cover his laughing.

“Well I might have to check with my boss” The poor receptionist says sounding flustered, “But your van has just driven off hasn’t it?” She now sounds thoroughly confused.

“Oh has it.” Says Jim, “I must have gone then – goodbye.”

I think Jim won the doughnuts.

Office punches - well almost

2009-09-21T09:27:00.004+02:00

Ted strikes again!

On a slightly hungover Monday morning I try to sneak in inconspicuously. (Fifteen minutes late isn’t that bad right?) As I arrive I hear raised voices. I poke my head around the corner and see Jim storming out.

"Okay... what's going on?" I ask.

Andi tells me. Apparently Jay and Ted arrived this morning and mentioned that they felt the office was too relaxed on things such as lunch breaks, timekeeping (I blush) alcohol consumption, (I blush again) and the general attitude.

So this morning Ted proudly presented a white board entitled:

Office Conduct - rules of a happy hardworking office.

Lunch hour is one hour only no exceptions.
Employees must not return to the building smelling of alcohol.
If employees have a drink at lunchtime it should be a glass of wine with a meal not more.
Employees should aim to arrive at 8:45am. I ask whether they will aim to pay us for those extra fifteen minutes but no one seems to know.
The phone is for strictly work calls only.
No immature practical jokes in the office.
Staff should not form personal relationships with each other.
Staff must make sure they are smartly dressed at all times
The phone MUST be answered by the second ring

I look at the sign for a moment. Have I accidently gone back to school without realising it? Yes we do take long lunches when we have smashed all our figures for the week - last week we went 30K over budget - surely thats a good thing? And none of us ever leave until at least 6pm when we are only paid to stay until 5:00pm Jamie’s response to this is to suggest we all go to the pub at midday to spend a few hours discussing. I agree but before we go I quickly add a note to the list.

All employees must raise their hands and ask before going to the toilet. We will tolerate no exceptions.

I'm not going to help his opinion of me as disrespectful am I?

Updated who everyone is

2009-09-21T08:23:00.000+02:00

I thought it might be a good time to remind who everyone is. Starting with those still serving sentences:

Current lifers with no hope of parole

Kate: That's me! In my mid twenties with long blond hair, fond of shoes. I am pretty well spoken which can help me out a lot at times considering Jay’s blatant snobbery. However, don’t let that fool you I was born in Essex. I get told a lot that I look very young and innocent and have to carry my passport to order a drink in the pub.

Jay – The CEO – a complete snob and loves to talk down to you. Refuses to travel more than a minute unless in black cab. Believes we should all be thanking our lucky stars for the privilege of working with him. A complete tight wad and generally has not clue of living in reality or doing a moments work. Grey hair so styled it wouldn’t move even in a hurricane and is tall and skinny. He wears designer clothes at all times and is fond of braces.

Andi – American admin manager incredibly professional but more than capable of downing copious amounts of cider and being one of the boys. Comes out with very interesting stories in the pub – this girl certainly has a dark side. Brown hair and in her early thirties

Jamie –The cute sales man. Laddish plays rugby so in good shape. Likes to drink has quite a filthy sense of humour a bit of a ladies man. He is in his mid twenties with dark hair – with a bit of a curl and is of average height and build. Not bad looking and a definite flirt to any woman who isn’t May.

Rob – Salesman rather young looking in the face and gives an impression of innocence. a practical joker and a terrible flirt with the ability to sell ice to Eskimos. Charm by the bucket loads he is in his early thirties and is tall and slim with light brown hair, freckles and an infectious smile.

Evan – Sales man polite and consciousness he is the only sales man May can stomach. Slightly on the chubby side he is in his mid thirties with light brown hair. He also seems very fond of blue socks.

Ted - A.k.a Mr Motivator. Oh dear. Clueless he immediately alienates the whole office and his lack of tact knows no bounds. Close friend of Jay which only makes us like him even less. he is in his mid forties a little on the chubby side with light brown/gray curly hair.

Minor Offenders

Jack – The sales junior who is only able to speak in Monotone. One of the youngest as this is his first job since university. Jack is American with a southern drawl. He is on the short side with light brown hair. He clearly looks up to Jamie and is trying to impress him.

May – Australian Production manager. Doesn’t get on with the sales men finding them a little too rude for her. The exception to this is Evan who is nice and polite to everyone. She can be quite scary and certainly doesn't mince her words even with Jay. Brown curly hair and is on the large size in her late twenties

Stee - Graphic designer. Quiet and I am guessing in his late thirties.

Jim – My boss who will be leaving us soon so has become a minor offender. Great guy – lots of fun and thoroughly irreverent attitude to Jay which is very funny

Laura - New accounts girl – in her early thirties – so far quiet but she has the ability to put away a lot of wine so one to watch.

The Recent releases – may they work in peace include:

Dave (Angry sales man)

Chip (Sweet and very gay accountant)

Jane (Blink and you miss her)

I am really impressing my employer- is that the sack I see approaching?

2009-09-18T13:11:00.000+02:00

I really need to learn to follow these basic lessons. My boss is annoying but I do not want to get fired.

Therefore this is a list of things I will no longer be doing....well maybe.

Do not after turning up half an hour late claim you were there all day and your boss "simply didn't take the time to notice my existence which I find deeply wounding."
Ted replied "Kate not only is that inappropriate it suggest a possible lack of respect for me."

On being told you show a possible lack of respect for your boss do not - I repeat DO NOT correct said boss with the statement. "No it wasn't not a possible lack of respect it was a definite lack of respect."

Do not manage to wear two shoes that while relatively similar in colour have about an inch and a half difference in heal size. When others notice this it is hard to find any explanation for this extreme blondeness

If you do make the mistake above do not spend half an hour rigorously defending it as a style choice. No one was fooled and if you are prone to blushing you will then get called red Kate all day (as in Ken)

Do not sulk about being laughed at - try to storm off and then fall off said shoes. Spectacularly.

Do not ever admit to weird phobias these will be used against you. Ted seems to have decided that I am mentally challenged due to the occasional squeaks from my desk I stupidly told Rob earlier about my crippling fear of rabbits. Cue the sales team sending pictures of rabbits to me all day causing me to leap up and demand they delete the nasty picture. They also keep singing "Bright Eyes" at me - not obviously scary but singing talent is lacking... (Note to self do not tell them about the spider fear)

There are many other stupid things I could put down here but one thing I did learn was don't give away all your secrets in one go.

Anyway today we are all going to the pub. The sales team seem on the verge of rebellion and after today I need a drink!

I don't think my boss likes me....

2009-09-17T15:51:00.000+02:00

Oh Ted..... the poor man doesn't help himself does he.

Well Ted has settled in further by having a blazing row with Jim in the middle of the office. Apparently Jay has decided Ted is his number two. Jay does not help matters by referring to Ted in front of us as his eyes and ears.

Oh Jay way to inspire trust. What you think we all have two hour lunches every Friday and spend the afternoon pissed regularly? Er actually bad point forget that one....

So we all have our meetings with Ted and some of us duly bring along CV's (all the people who have not passed probation yet so me, Rob, Jack, Evan and Joe) the others (Andi, May, Jamie) pointedly refuse.

In my meeting Ted takes me to a wine bar. I feel a little nervous and opt for a saintly sparkling water. Ted asks me about my previous marketing experience. I blush and try to exaggerate my suitability for my job.

"So you haven't got any marketing qualifications or direct experience as such" Ted observes. I blush further and mention all the related campaigns I assisted on. Luckily for me Ted seems easily distracted by his old company. I flatter him asking about the Directors phew! I try not to think "band camp" I must make a good impression.

After my rather uncomfortable hour is finished in which he asks me if I am planning to have children any time time and I make the rather inappropriate response of "Why are you offering to assist?"

I don't think he likes me...

How not to start a new job

2009-09-16T15:07:00.001+02:00

Today’s list of mistakes:

1. (This may not actually be his fault but) he and Jim are at loggerheads. Jay has decided for some reason that Jim must work his entire notice but he will now report into Ted. As Jim has been in the job five years this goes down like a cup of cold sick.
2. Being too chummy with the big boss. Ted got the job through his close friendship with Jay which is no secret. He is also disappearing regularly into Jays office for confidential chats. The result is we are all feeling paranoid. Are they discussing us? Why all the secrecy?
3. Being openly critical of the sales team. On his second day he made pointed comments about people coming back late from lunch. To be fair he was right but even so it probably could have waited a week.
4. He has no tact. The poor man is one of the most tactless people I have even met. His clangers and include to Andi, "Are you okay? You look dreadful," to Jim, "Golly you need a breathe mint." to May "No I don't like belly piercings, especially on the larger lady like yourself." Oh Ted - no just no.
5. Not thinking and announcing loudly about a sales man who called him, "He was clearly some minion on only 25K poor fool." Result we are all glaring and I am really worried about what Jamie is doing to his coffee…
6. Mentioning his old company "The Managers" constantly. I begin to say "This one time at band camp..." whenever he mentions it which makes the others snigger. Poor Ted does not understand.
7. Asking all of us to make time to sit with him and bring our CV's. We all panic and Andi who has been in the company thirteen years is livid.
8. He's not hot. Okay this in itself is not a crime but visible ear hair I find a little gross. I am apparently deeply shallow though… Jamie said yesterday, “No offense Katie but I’ve stepped in puddles deeper than you.” Harsh but true?

New boss and how not to fire someone

2009-09-16T08:53:00.001+02:00

Introducing Ted.

He is in his forties and gives the impression of being pompous. Within five minutes we have already nicknamed him Mr Motivator by his ability to sap any energy and enthusiasm out of the room.

So the big question - what the hell has been going on while I have been away? Well first I appear to have left my desk unattended and lost it. I am now moved into accounts where Jane used to sit.

Jane has disappeared too. I grab Jamie in the corridor. "I'll tell you at lunch time." He promises, "The new world pub."

I begin to pick up my rather pathetic personal effects. A few note pads, a rubber banan that Jamie gave me and a pink fluffy pen.No more being silly with the boys then.

I meet Jane's replacement, a rather wary looking woman called Laura. Laura smiles at me rather nervously and says she is glad someone else will be joining her here. She has been here two days and feels like she has been cold shouldered already because of Jane.

I ask her what happened and with a quick glance around to make sure no one is listening she tells me.

Jane arrived in as normal last Wednesday and Laura was already there having been asked to come in by another agency. Laura had been told to go and sit in Jane's old desk which she did but then Jane arrived and was confused. Jay then called them both and Ted into his office and said "While it's bene lovely having you here Jane we've decided we need a little more experience so Laura will be taking over after today and you'll be training her."

Laura tells me how Jane looked close to tears and decided to leave early.

I fume - yes Jane was a temp but what a disgusting way to treat someone. The MD of our company could be called tactless idiot. Or as I am going to say a complete wanker.

Hangover hell in my office, desk theft and quitting

2009-09-15T14:46:00.000+02:00

Oh dear. I am having a nightmare. I am at work with a hangover.

This might not be so bad but I have just returned from my week in Paris and I am supposed to be working hard. Yes I should not have stayed out drinking until 4am last night. Definitely not. I try and walk upstairs slowly. I then realise I am not going to make it. With dignity left firmly in France I dash into one of the toilets and am promptly sick.

Smooooth Kate.

Okay I think I can do this. I can just be quiet and pretend I am really busy catching up. I won;t have to make contact or impress anyone - it will be fine. I am even early today so easy to slink in and quietly settle.

Good plan in theory but as I enter the office I realise something is very very wrong. My desk appears to have been claimed in my absence. Where my papers and spare perfume sits is an unfamiliar briefcase and some photos.

My stomach plunges making me want to go and vomit again. Did they fire me without me realising? I am blonde but surely not that blonde??

I am in the right office? Even I could have have walked into the wrong floor.... I walk out and double check my surroundings. Yeah there is is Anon Ltd on the door the same rather weird small that I think is actually Jay's posh aftershave but my desk "MY DESK" has been invaded.

I look around uncertainly as Jamie arrives "Oh you've seen have you" Jamie mutters to me gesturing towards my desk. Seen I think? Have I been fired? If so surely they could have done it in a more tactful way.

No Jim has quit!

Following a row with Jay Jim has decided to go to a rival company. I liked Jim and I certainly never saw this coming but why is there someones things all over my desk.

Jamie grimances at me - "Ted's" he says. "You'll see."

Top Stories

Monday and a wardrobe malfunction.

2009-09-14T11:12:00.000+02:00

My choice of top today bad idea. It seemed okay this morning but as the afternoon has progressed I am feeling more and more self conscious. It is just a shirt but it actually cuts pretty low. This was a bad choice of outfit for the meeting with the big boss i.e. Jay.

Also for some weird reason after visiting the pub with the boys at lunch my top seems to be slipping lower and lower. This is not going to be one of my better days.

Note to self check for visible underwear before leaving the house. Very important
Plus if there is danger of visible underwear perhaps do not wear a bright red bra. Idiot idiot idiot idiot.

All I need. Jay has this nasty smirk whenever he speaks to any female anyway. Icky and creepy all in one pile of tall skinny overly gelled back pacakge. Score Jay.

Still it could be worse. Andi makes me feel better by telling me about the time she split her trousers in front of everyone. I try not to laugh and fail miserably. I love Andi. Besides I have no reason to feel down - this is my last day for a week. It is my birthday next week and I am celebrating by going to Paris. Jamie asks me to send him a French letter. I giggle and try to act demure. Must stop this shameless flirting.

Blogger note:

In case anyone was wondering as my last few posts seem to be breast obsessed it is not that kind of blog by the way although very amused at the people who finding me through google spiders saying topless office. I bet you were disappointed. And guys just to burst your bubble a little more I am a 30A. Are we all crying now?

Welcome to me office I talk like moron

2009-09-11T22:09:00.000+02:00

Recently I have been attending our weekly meetings with Jay, Andi, Jim and Kay. These meetings are pretty much a guaranteed cure to insomnia. My idea of a meeting would be, "here are certain topics - lets discuss them". Jays idea seems to be "My voice sounds great I am sure everyone wants to spend their entire Friday afternoon listening to it.

Andi and I have taken to being a bit silly in the meeting. Jay has a sense of humour lack so we are trying to be subtle. It includes bringing a large scented candle to the meeting, pass the cough but these only last for so long.

Until we hit jackpot - the bingo bollocks.

Basically we hand out bingo cards to all of the unfortunate attendees with some of his more irritating phrases on. We all pay a £ and the person with a line wins. If no one wins the money gets rolled over.

My bingo card today contains:

Modus Operandi

360 degree thinging

Pushing the Envelope

Moving Forward

Heads Up

Singing from the Same Hymn Sheet

Wish me luck - the cash could be mine!

Warning - working in media may cause insanity

2009-09-10T23:04:00.000+02:00

The next day when I arrive there is a girl looking rather nervous outside the office. I smile and ask her if she is okay and she replies her name is Jane (wow we love J's in this company) she is starting work today for a publishing company but no one has given her a card to get in. She was told to arrive at half eight and has been waiting half an hour.

Oh dear. Jane looks horrified as if she expected this company to be in some way professional. I smile and show her upstairs - fourth floor and the lift is broken. I notice her becoming more and more worried and try to put her at her ease.When we get upstairs I show her the toilets and tea and coffee making facilities and introduce her to Jay.

Poor Jane spends at least an hour having to smile and nod sweetly while Jay waffles on at her. Sorry Jay but I don't think gray, skinny and full of crap is her type.

Jane emails me asking if there is any chance of going permanent. I email back saying I have no idea but she should talk to Andi who is doing the real recruiting. At Robs instance I also ask her if we are likely to get paid this month. I also worry about her sanity if she wants to go permanent - has she not just spent an hour with Jay? So far today she has been abandoned outside the office, had to listen to Jay and had a stack of books knocked on her. (Smooth Jack real smooth)

The day picks up though when Jim sick of all the sales calls decides to have some fun. We were looking at moving offices a few months back and we have been getting endless calls since then.Jim decided then next victim that calls is getting psycho Jim. We are all intrigued at this point.

The phone rings and I transfer it to Jim and motion to the others to list. Jim puts it on loud speaker

Telesales: Hello, is this Jim?

Jim: (In faux posh Jay tones) Yaaah

Telesales: (starts his sales pitch)

Jim: Old Macdonald had a farm ei ei o

Telesales: Excuse me?

Jim:With a baaaaaa baaaaa here and a baaaaaa baaaaa there

Telesales: Shall I call at a more convenient time?

Jim: Baaaaaaaaaa

Telesales: I'll take you off our list.

Do you have to be mad to work in media or does media make you mad?

Working? Thats for minions!

2009-09-10T10:35:00.000+02:00

As I am now back in the office one thing becomes clear. As Chip is no longer here to do all of the accounts and listen to Jay whine (I am not sure which one he was valued higher for) we are going to need someone else. In fact Jay casually mentions he should really try and find the time to sort this out before payday so someone is here to do payroll. He seems unconcerned by this and says he will let us know if it will be more than a few weeks late.

Jamie, Rob, Jack (the monotone American remember him) and I all exchange horrified glances. Ethan calmly says to Jim as soon as Jay is out of hearing range that he is going to need to be paid on time. Jim smiles at our horrified faces, "Don't worry Jay lives on another planet - I will remind him his staff work here for money not just because they are so honoured to work near his Lordship."

There is a grain of truth in this Jay is pretentious to the point that he honestly seems to believe we should all be kissing the ground he works on for the privilege of being near him. Jim goes to his office and after almost an hour emerges. "Right Andi," He says, "Jay does not have time to find a temp so he has asked you to."

Andi rolls her eyes and picks up the phone.

Other activities best avoided topless include:

2009-09-09T18:04:00.000+02:00

Ironing - especially with steam
Answering the door - unless you are an exhibitionist of any nature
Running down the stairs
Eating anything hot unless you can guarantee no spillage
Eating anything cold (see reasons above)
Speaking to workmates while webcam is still connected. Again that is taking the office bonding a little further than perhaps necessary
Leaving the house - unless you want to get arrested
Talking to your parents - it's not that they would know it just feels a bit sick and wrong
Dancing for five minutes to embarrassing songs and then realising the curtains are open. (i never did this honestly)
Letting a cat anywhere near you - it's just asking for trouble

I think when I work from home it is easier to let my mind wander. Okay after five minutes on ebay (well I saw some red shoes yesterday) I will do some work.

Yes I will yes I will yes I will.....

Working from home -injuries

2009-09-09T17:34:00.000+02:00

Woo. I think working from home. I can nurse my hangover in the privacy of my darkened living room with lots of coffee. This is great. I wake up at exactly five minutes to nine and go to my computer and log on. This is rare for me I am actually on time - my computer clock says 8:59. I am a dedicated employee in early for work! Ha

After logging on and emailing as many people as possible so they can see I am actually working. I giggle at emailing them in pyjamas then promptly spill tea all down my top. Oh crap. I take a moments naughty amusement in topless emailing and the decide I should be more sensible.

My being sensible consists of making myself more tea. I also feel hungry. I so rarely eat junk food I figure I have earned a fried egg sandwich breakfast. See a definite advantage of not being at work - could I fry an egg there?

Ouch ouch ouch!

Have just been promptly reminded why frying topless is a very very very bad move. Clearly with no workmates to supervise me I become a danger to myself.

Good job I am back at the office tomorrow.

When the going gets tough go to the pub

2009-09-08T21:55:00.000+02:00

I feel a bit sad for the rest of the afternoon. I like Chip and it would have been nice to have a leaving do and give him a proper send off.

May grabs me later to tell me the full story. Apparently Chip quit over three months ago but Jay refused to listen. Chip is quite mild mannered and sweet and incapable of standing up for himself. He has texted May to say keep in touch and sorry he had to leave so cloak and dagger but it was the only way to escape.

The guys suggest a quick drink this evening and I decide why not. It will be a bigger group than usual - for one thing Evan will be joining us. He is one of the older sales men - he is quieter and a lot less rude than Jamie, Rob and Jim, although thats not difficult. Andi is joining too so I figure why not be sociable - after all I am working from home tomorrow - yay!

After a few glasses of wine I am doubting whether this is such a good idea - for one thing I am carrying my laptop around and in my slightly tipsy state I am a little concerned as to it's safety. I think I should pass my three month probation period before losing my computer.

The guys decide we will all share the strangest place we have ever had sex. Jamie rather proudly admits he is a member of the mile high club. Rob is partial to the great outdoors and Andi once got chased away minus pants by an angry resident after her and her boyfriend were caught in the act. Evan is more coy - he is about to get married and feels it might not be polite to share such intimacies. However he does tell one of the rudest jokes I have ever heard so I suspect he will be fitting in just fine.

Nothing like a bit of good old work bonding...

Another member of staff runs away screaming

2009-09-06T23:48:00.000+02:00

Today I am don't go straight to the office - instead I spend the morning at a conference. Jim has informed me I am now in charge of our media partnerships and bringing marketing materials to them. So I head off to a five star hotel instead of my usual dingy office. Oh it's a tough life!

The conferences themselves are boring as hell but I love the venues. The last one was in the Hilton by Mayfair. I arrive drop off some business cards and brochures and chat to a few of the delegates over the coffee break. After they all go back inside I eat more than my fair share of ginger biscuits and figure I should head back to the office.

On my way out I check that no one is looking and steal a plate of biscuits. See I can be marriage material. I didn't steal the plate by the way - just all the biscuits so my theft is not too grand!

I arrive back and dole out biscuits to the office who seem more amused the impressed but they still happily eat the biscuits. May tells me the latest news - Chip has vanished! Without even saying goodbye. Apparently Jim, Andi and Jay have been in Jays office most of the day and he is making an announcement later. Kay is worried - her and Chip have always been close - and she knows his boyfriend has been putting pressure on him to move back to Ireland.

Suddenly we all hear the sound of Jay's office door opening. We all scramble back to our desks and open appropriate documents to pretend we were working. Jamie picks up his phone and fakes the end of a sales call thanking them for their interest in out products. I smirk as he winks at me.

"Good afternoon all," Jay proclaims, "I have an announcement about some staff changes, as some of you might know Chip has sadly had to leave us quite suddenly as his girlfriend is ill and I am now recruiting for a replacement."
Girlfriend I think and try not to giggle. Does Jay not understand? Bless
Jay puffs himself up and starts speaking about having a new young and dynamic team.

So more interviews in the office then? Oh joy?

Tell me why I don't like Mondays

2009-09-05T23:51:00.000+02:00

Because at the moment this Monday is shaping up well.

First I arrive twenty minutes late and no one even seems to notice. I even had an excuse prepared to do with water on the tube - hey there has to be some benefit of how crap London Underground are.

Second following our drinks I have decided that I will not obsess that I am not marriage material I will just be glad to have survived the potential cliff shove. On an entirely unrelated subject I do make everyone a cup of tea and coffee that morning and even offer to do the lunch time round...
I have been having fun at my job recently too - Raw has been taking me to industry conferences and letting me see their literature and I am making up brochures and media packs. I find myself taking to these like a duck to water - I actually feel like I am doing something I am good at for pretty much the first time in my life.

And Jim has said that if I want to I can work from home one day a week! Woohoo sitting on the computer in my pyjamas. If I am feeling like it I can email naked.

Ha! Naked Wednesdays!

Friday Drinks - shag marry push off a cliff...

2009-09-05T19:43:00.001+02:00

As we appear to have bonded so much today - I decide i can go out with the workmates for a drink. I try to avoid going out with my workmates too much as I have a few situations in my last office. I made very good friends but I felt like perhaps people couldn't separate the professional Mae from the pissed up Mae. And I still have a slightly humiliating memory of entertaining the office with some dirty dancing with another girl from sales.

Yes I should definitely try and make this an exception not the rule. But there is no harm in a little glass of wine right? Otherwise I could risk them thinking I am dull and boring.

So we get to the pub they greet the landlord enthusiastically by name. Pete smiles at us with the welcoming air of one who knows we are about to spend a lot of money. I smile and wonder exactly how many hours are spent here.

As we have all had a few drinks already we are perhaps a little more loosened up than we would be normally and the conversation turns to how annoying Jay is. Followed by various and pretty amusing impressions of him. I also learn i was very lucky to get hired as he currently hates blond women due to his soon to be ex wife (blond a lot younger than him and apparently shagging a client of ours - ouch)

I feel a little nervous. Jim then decides he should get back to his wife and children so buys us all another drink before leaving. So this will be my fourth glass of large white wine on an empty stomach. Oh dear.

Invariably after drinking too turns to sex which I try not to participate in too much. It then turns to the sales men enthusiastically playing shag, marry or push off a cliff on the ladies from our office. Considering there are only three women in the office I appear to be getting shagged a lot. I am not entirely sure how to react to this so smile awkwardly. Does this mean I am not marriage material?

Apologies and practical jokes

2009-09-02T19:42:00.000+02:00

I have sent my groveling email to May and she is smiling at me again phew. I hate upsetting people. I also feel pretty pissed. I am trying to stop myself giggling but I keep noticing that my keyboard is wobbling and it seems funny. I also see my reflection and notice my nose looks red. I giggle to myself. Right must do some work this afternoon - do not want workmates to think I am a complete lightweight I think.

I notice an email arriving in my inbox from Rob. My smile fades - it reads "How pissed are you?"

I blush and try to look hard working and sober. In my defense I am a size 10 and 5,7. I have less room to soak up alcohol than they do.

Jim leaves to go and grab cigarettes and Rob decides it is joke time. He carefully covers Jim's phone in ink so him ear will be black. He also unfolds a paper clip and picks up Jim's afternoon banana. I watch intrigued as he carefully decapitates the unsuspecting banana and replaces it. I pick it up impressed - you wouldn't have a clue the banana had been sliced in half.

Under strict instructions not to give the game away I get back to my marketing letters. Jim comes back and promptly answers his phone. Luckily he realizes immediately and laughs. He then ends up with half a banana in his lap and officially declares war on Rob. Monday morning could be interesting I think....

Long liquid lunches and pay day!

2009-09-01T19:40:00.000+02:00

Hooray we get paid today! I can't stop smiling more through relief than anything else. I am not quite sure where my money has gone this month. Yes some went on shoes but only £50 and that seems reasonable.

I am not the only one in a good mood - the entire office feels a bit like summer holidays. Jim decides he will take us all out for a drink or two at lunch time. I smile happily as we all walk out. I feel included although I feel a little guilty about poor May who seems to have been stuck minding the phones. The sales guys just don't understand her - she is abrupt but she is also a really nice person.

Once we arrive at the pub Jim insists on buying a round so I decide on a large glass of white wine - hey it is summer and I am with my boss. The hour goes quickly but Jim seems unconcerned and he is my boss so I don't worry. Jim gets up and buys us all another round and I feel a little concerned. I never eat breakfast - I skipped lunch and I have just had two large glasses of wine.

I feel a little concerned and look at the guys - they all seem fine. Jamie looks rather amused. He links my arm as we walk back to the office and I stay out and steal a cigarette from him. Alcohol always makes me want to smoke although I really don't normally.

We walk in together as May is storming out. It is three and she has not been able to have lunch - she is clearly furious with all of us. I send her an email and say sorry as soon as I am back at my desk.

Gain a new boy!

2009-08-28T19:38:00.000+02:00

Well finally the interviewing is over. Poor Andi says she feels like she has been interviewing forever. And some of the candidates are a list of what not to do in a job interview - their various interesting behaviour include turning up in jeans, staring at Andi's chest - being an hour late, asking where the nearest pub is etc

And I thought I was a bad interviewee. Well I am - I get really nervous and talk insanely fast and my voice gets really high. I think it has been described as chipmunk on acid by so called friends in the past.

Thanks guys

Anyway I digress - we have a new team member woo! His name is Joe (we like names beginning with J here.) He is tall well built, black hair and huge brown eyes. He seems polite and sweet and will be a nice addition to the sales guys who under Robs dubious influence are becoming more and more suggestive. While I don't object to this it is only early days and I am still trying to look sweet and innocent. This may be working a little too well though as Jim constantly apologizes for swearing around me - clearly he has never seen me on a night out - I have a complete potty mouth.

Job interviews .... in front of a whole office... relaxing

2009-08-28T19:36:00.000+02:00

Did I mention we work in a pretty small office? The main room where the unwashed masses - that means everyone except Jay and Chip - are pretty packed - we have ten of us squashed in which is partially why Kay and Andi love their day working from home - a rare chance to breathe.

However right now not only are we all packed in together we are also interviewing poor unsuspecting young grads to join us. Andi needs a replacement for Kay.

Kay has been promoted and will now be the Production Manager. Over lunch Kay tells me she has been wanting to get more responsibility in publishing for over a year and although this job seems like it will be hard work she is excited. She hopes she will learn a lot her only concern is they have not agreed to pay her any more money until three months later. She seems to trust it will be sorted and back dated. I trust her - she has been in this company a year - if anyone would know she will. I smile and say I hope it all works out for her, I know myself how boring admin can be.

The interviews take place while we are all trying to work. I feel so sorry for the interviewees - it is hard enough without having an audience. Andi tries to be nice in the interview but it is awful - in front of a room of people. One interviewee looks so nervous and one poor girl whispers the whole way though.

Some are memorable for all the wrong reasons though. the guy who asks if they frown upon drinking at work - dude learn to hide it! Or the girl who asks how many days sick pay they receive (Find it out after you have been offered the job) Or the girl who when asked why she left her last job replies that her "boss was a complete bitch". And I thought I was bad at interviews (I did one time inadvertently set off a fire alarm but in my defense I am sure they said first door on the left)

I discover the local pub - yay!

2009-08-27T19:32:00.000+02:00

I decide it will be good fun to join the others for a quick drink after work. I have been pretty antisocial since I joined as I tend to do stupid things when I drink. But as we wander over to the pub I feel upbeat. I will stay for one or two I think to myself. Self control that's what it is all about.

Andi is only staying for one or two so this should be easy we will leave together. And it is nice we all talk about the company - Jamie tells us a bit more about Dave. I was curious why he left on such a bad note.

" The problem is Jay takes resignation as a personal insult." Jamie explains, "He makes anyone who is leaving feel like crap and then if he can tries to rip them off - he was trying to deduct commission from Jay." I smile nervously this doesn't seem good.

Several drinks later and I am learning more about my co-workers than I would have imagined. For example after leaving a work do last week Jamie got so drunk he ended up pawning his watch to buy drugs. And had to walk a mile to get home. I end up confiding about my last job when during my first week I ran out of money for food.

Forced to survive on dry pasta for a week as my only meal I was delighted to be invited to a dinner all expenses paid. Unfortunately the food was late arriving and I managed to drink two large glasses of wine - on a virtually empty stomach. And then pass out on the table. Not one of my best impressions I admit.

Printers hate me! My first marketing campaign

2009-08-25T19:28:00.000+02:00

Oh yes - when I arrive this morning I am offered a book and told I should write a letter and get it ready to send all by my self! Woo actual responsibility and direction. I happily write the letter and spell check it about twelve times before arriving at Jay's door. Ha - see I am important without me there would be no letter!

I am clearly a total moron. As if Jay would let me do that - as I finish he asks to see my letter and then adds so much red pen I really needn't have bothered. He then reminds me to "Be a good girl and bring it back once all my amendments have been made so I can check."

Any touches of personality in my letter have been scrupulously removed and it now smacks of pretension. Past caring I print the letters. All 5,000 of them. I feel rather horrified as they build up on my desk. Oh shit - it is repeating the same letter - quick cancel cancel cancel!
Okay deep breath - I try again

Success it is printing!!! Then suddenly it jams. Oh crap! I kick the printer a few times and look around helplessly. I notice Jamie and Rob looking at me with amusement. Jamie takes pity and unjams the printer for me

Noooooooo it has gone back to the beginning.

Why why why would it do this?? That is over 1,000 letters I can't even use!

I take a deep breath and start again. Right I can do this. Fine print.

Oh God - this time the mail merge seems to have mucked up - it is saying dear

Cancel cancel canel -okay it has stopped - phew!

I try and look nonchalent as I collect the letters

Jamie and Rob have clearly noticed my monumental cock up - both are laughing at me. Great just great.

I set about hiding 7,000 wrong letters in various bins.

Oh God - my signature didn't print - I have to sign 5,000 letters.

Did I do something bad in a former life? Is this Karma? I decide to take up the boys offer of joining them for a drink - I could use a vodka or twelve.

No pants today - things are looking up

2009-08-21T19:26:00.000+02:00

I feel like cheering or cracking open the vodka! The week that I left my underwear in the middle of the office is drawing to a close. I survived the next days with minimal talking and no one has said anything. Although Rob was singing the thong song yesterday and smirking. I think it was just a coincidence though....

I am getting there though - really - I am now a fully fledged marketing executive and I am learning. I even came up with some proper marketing strategies and ideas. Okay they were rejected by Jay pretty much without even listening to them but he promised to, "consider these ideas in the future certainly."

He did however call me good girl. Is there a way to discourage this I wonder?

As I think this about this Jay arrives - I smile in a professional manner - the manner of one who should definitely not be called "Good Girl"

"Kate?" He summons. I look up brightly with an air of steely professionalism.

Jay gives me a patronising smile before saying brusquely, "Be a good girl and make me a cup of tea."
I fume - right that's it - I'm spitting in his tea.

I wonders if Jay is as annoying in bed as he is in the office. My head fills with unpleasant images - the precise gray curls on his head and ... well you get my drift. I wonder if he shouts,
"Strewth!" or "Gosh" or "Jolly good show."

Do you know what - that's a visual place I do NOT want to explore.

Monday Monday - lets expose my pants to the whole office

2009-08-20T19:21:00.000+02:00

Oh crap.

Crap, crap crap!

Today started off so well. I arrive in the office and see that the sales boys have had a re-arrange - Dave is now officially out of there and Evan and Rob are all settled in. The atmosphere is instantly better. We chat more and there is some degree of excitement. I still have to suppress a laugh whenever Jack says a word. Seriously this guy makes Gordon Brown seem animated. My mind then decides to imagine him shagging. The thought horrifies me. That unenthusiastic American drawl. "oh yeah faster baby" the thought makes me shudder.

I notice Jamie is watching me and blush. Imagining your new workmates in the sack probably not the best way to win friends and influence people. I think and try to look busy. I smile brightly and offer to make a round of tea. As I walk across them room I see a small piece of bright red material on the floor. "Whats that?" I say and pick it up ands freeze.

That turns out to be my thong.

That's the thong that I was wearing yesterday.

I am wearing the same trousers as yesterday.

The thong must have been caught in the trousers and at some point worked it's way out of my trouser leg.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Oh God

How long has my worn thong been on the floor? Has anyone else seen?

I stuff it into my bag and make tea - I am in such a state of shock I keep alternatively giggling and blushing. This can not be happening. I try to avoid peoples eyes but can't help notice Rob seems to be watching me looking suspiciously amused.
May and Andi are both sitting together and seem completely oblivious. I can't even seek female reassurance.

Yes I hate Mondays

Apparently marketing exec = general skivvy.

2009-08-18T19:18:00.000+02:00

I feel as though I am settling in - with the help of google I am beginning to learn how to do this job. However I seem to have two tiny little problems.

The first one goes by the name of Jay. Remember him skinny, gray, kind of annoying talks like the queen, talks a lot of crap and owns the company. Yeah.... him I am beginning to get used to a cry of:
"Kate, could you please go to reception and fetch my visitors." Comes a "frightfully" posh voice..."And make them teas and coffee."

It isn't just me - May gets called for this too as does Jack. So it can't even be called sexism. I think it is just called thinking he is far too important to make his own sodding tea ism. Is that an ism? Anyway I digress problem 2 - Dave.

Dave is beginning to scare me. Constant taunts about how crap this place is and some stand up rows over pay with Jay. (I wonder if perhaps he is just annoyed that his name doesn't contain a more prominent ay sound but apparently this is frivolous and not funny) I know it is mean but I can't wait for him to leave. I am sick of his glaring and general moodiness. Luckily for me it is his last day on Friday and he and the sales guys celebrate by going out at midday and not returning until 3pm completely plastered.

This again is partially my own fault - like a moron I volunteered to cover the phones. I actually figured they would suggest we took in turns so I could join but no they seemed delighted again. Hmmm must stop volunteering for things I don't want to do.

Hi Office you are paying me but what do I do?

2009-08-17T19:13:00.000+02:00

Ah the burning question which has still not been fully answered.

My boss's idea of training me consisted of here are the publications have a look through them and come up with a plan.

Right I think I can do this - I must first understand what the hell we are selling - then I can figure out how to promote - Get me - I'm figuring out marketing all by myself!

I look at the clock after reading through the products and am stunned. I expected it to be at least next Tuesday. Right so I work on magazines that make time stand still. How to promote? It's a thinker.
Product 1 - For bankers and other such people - it's dull and online
Product 2 - It's dull and online and in print and it looks like it was designer when dinosaurs were still living - my grandfather would think this looked uncool. Would it hurt them to add some colour? Looking at the design is a good cure for insomnia though...
Product 3 - For lawyers advising rich morons. You've guessed it - it's dull.

So I google - yeah it's cheating but only if they find out and there are lots of articles with helpful ideas I can pass off as my own. Possibly slightly unethical but quite a lot of fun. I am also looking forward to the arrival of two new sales men. As far as eye candy goes there is only Jamie here and something tells me he might be trouble.We also have a new editor joining us soon.

Apparently there is a big welcome drinks next week for them all and me as well. I rather like the idea of this free alcohol and hopefully attractive men. I'll let you know how it goes. I am trying to maintain a vaguely professional image here (no falling asleep on the table, vomiting in public - you know the kind if thing)

Must not have more than two glasses of wine. Must not must not must not. I am the queen of willpower

All about my co-workers!

2009-08-14T19:08:00.000+02:00

As things start here are the reoccurring players in this little drama. I will update this when needed.

Kate:
The star and heroine of the show. I am your omnipresent voice. Fearless and always right. Okay the last part is bollocks but you get the picture. I am in my mid twenties with long blond hair, fond of shoes and prone to embarassing myself on a regular basis..

Jay
The CEO of the publishing company I work in . Both very posh and very patronizing. He has called me "Good Girl" already. Hello do I look twelve? (actually don't answer that considering they asked for my ID when I brought a bottle of wine yesterday) Jay is scary due to stubbornness - ability to fire me, total lack of empathy and inability to listen to anyone else's opinion. He has grey hair so styled it wouldn't move even in a hurricane and is tall and skinny. He wears designer clothes at all times and is fond of braces. Sadly it is true. He is in his mid forties

May
Australian Admin girl. Soon to be promoted to production manager. She is brusque and to the point. She has brown curly hair and somewhat overweight. She hates dirty jokes and thinks the salesmen are immature and annoying. She is in her early thirties but seems older as she is very mature. Surprisingly we do get along.

Andrea - known as Andi
Admin manager from the Ohio originally but has lived in England for seven years and worked at this company for six of them. Works from home a lot but when she is in the office is slightly confusing - incredibly professional but more than capable of downing copious amounts of cider and being one of the boys. She has mousy brown hair and is slightly bigger than average but by no means fat.She is in her early thirties

Dave
Salesman with an axe to grind. Average height bald and in his late twenties.

Jim
My boss currently in Switzerland - this is the man who hired me and who will be mentoring me so I can become a brilliant genius in the world of marketing. Yeah right. Jim is funny and quite laddish making many rude jokes and fond of swearing. (So am I actually but am being on my best behaviour for the moment) He likes to laugh and enjoys a buoyant atmosphere. He is in his forties, greying hair and tallish and on the thin side. He is often seen with a "cheeky glass of wine"

Jamie
Another sales man. He is similar to Jim in some ways - likes a drink likes a laugh has quite a filthy sense of humour and likes to have fun. Clearly a bit of a ladies man as he seems to have several girlfriends on the go. Enjoys a pint and is easy going and relaxed. he is in his mid twenties with dark hair - with a bit of a curl and is of average height and build. Not bad looking and a definite flirt to any woman who isn't Kay.

Chip
The accountant - incredibly camp incredibly gay and incredibly sweet. In his twenties again with curly hair and olive skin. He and Kay are close and often disappear out together.

Stee
Graphic designer. Wears filthy jeans and has dubious body odours. If you can get past this he is actually very nice. Slightly on the chubby side and I am guessing in his late thirties.

Jack
The sales junior who is only able to speak in Monotone. One of the youngest as this is his first job since university. Jack is American with a southern drawl. He is on the short side with light brown hair. He clearly looks up to Jamie and is trying to impress him.

Evan
The new sales man who will be replacing the disaster that lasted only two hours. Quiet and consciousness he becomes one of the only sales men Kay can stomach. He is a good listener but can also be very good fun. Is getting married in a few months and seems slightly under the thumb but an all round nice man. Slightly on the chubby side he is in his mid thirties with light brown hair. He also seems very fond of blue socks

Rob
He is a new salesman who will be joining us shortly. He is rather young looking in the face and gives an impression of innocence. Do not fool for it - a close personal friend of Jim he is a practical joker and a terrible flirt with the ability to sell ice to Eskimos. Charm by the bucket loads and witty with a fondness for pints he is a force to be reckoned with. Jamie immediately idolizes him. Rob is in his early thirties and is tall and slim to the point of almost being skinny. Light brown hair and freckles and an infectious smile

My new job - I survive the first few weeks

2009-08-11T19:00:00.000+02:00

The new job continues and I survive! I make tea, I listen to conversations I smile and I try to fit in. At no point do I find out what the hell I am supposed to be doing but so far no one seems to have noticed. My boss returns from Switzerland buys me coffee and tells me to read the publications.

He also seems to get drunk a lot - apparently there is a boy bonding session every Wednesday, Thursday and Friday lunchtime. I somehow get stuck answering the phones a lot of the time when these are happening I am not quite sure how.

I try to bond with the two women in the office but they both work from home a lot. May is nice to me though when she is in and even draws me a map of where to go for lunch. I found all these places on my first day but it's nice to be nice so I think her.

I also begin to bond with Chip our resident American and very gay accountant. He is funny and extremely sharp. I find my rather sarcastic sense of humour challenged and we quickly establish a friendship based upon mutual piss taking. Maybe I can fit in here.

On my third day two new sales men start - neither cute unfortunately (what are the odds?) One is American with the complete inability to put any expression into his voice. If he came in and said the worlds was being invaded by giant rabbits (I have rabbit fear okay?) it would still seem dull. The other Fred is quiet. So quiet in fact that we don't notice after his lunch when he doesn't return and it takes two days until we realise he hasn't been seen since Wednesday.

After some investigation we find his letter of resignation sitting on his former desk and discover all of the blue biros have vanished.

What a great company this is......

Pretentious posh boss aka total moron

2009-08-09T18:57:00.000+02:00

Hooray I think when uber posh CEO arrives.

Seriously in my interview with this guy I wanted to start talking about how frightfully marvelous tea and scones were of an afternoon. I have a bad habit of unconsciously mimicking other people's accents. I am well spoken at the best of time - next to this guy I sounds like I am mocking the queen. Which I do like to do with some regularity however - lets save that for later.

The CEO - lets call him Jay looks around sees me and says, "Kate. You're here. Good." He looks at me for a second with a glance that makes me feel immediately like a bug. I have this horrid feeling he is wondering why the hell he hired me and probably thinking that he must have been higher than a kite. (He was actually but I still think he made a wise choice)

Lets describe him for you - he is a sex God - well actually no unless grey hair with a lot of gel is your thing. Hey I don't judge...

He then says "Well I am sure the team have you all settled in my now." then promptly buggers off. Without a second glance. Feeling more than a little abandoned I amuse myself by spinning my chair around.

Then May helpfully comes over and tells me my boss is in Switzerland until Wednesday with one of the salesmen and the women who will be training me will be in a 11am.

Fantastic! I waste the day looking at various websites and waste £15 on a pair of shoes off ebay. And I got paid for shoe shopping - maybe this is the perfect job for me I think.

My weird new co-workers and bodily functions

2009-08-07T18:52:00.000+02:00

After what feels like hours pass and I seriously considering hurling myself out the window to escape Stee who obviously now feel comfortable enough to fart loudly at me. Just as I am mentally forming a resignation letter in my head a few more people arrive.

The first man is less than reassuring - he stomps in glares at me and sits down without a word. Lets call him Dave. Dave is a salesman and clearly angry about something. I wonder if perhaps it is because he is prematurely bald. If I were bald in my twenties I might be angry too.

I bite my lip and wonder if I have somehow pissed him off by existing. Don't be paranoid Kate, I think to myself. Clearly he hasn't even noticed you exist. It is true Dave ignores me and goes and sits at his desk.

After Dave I am relieved when May shows up. She seems friendly. May is a Australian and brusque to the point of being rude. Still she introduces herself - shakes my hand - smiles at me and more importantly than any of this shows me where the toilets are and makes me a cup of tea. I actually consider kissing her on both counts - I am at this point severely caffeine deprived and frankly bursting. Had I be waiting much longer I would be ready to come out and declare myself May's bitch. Which while she is nice she is not entirely my type.

Day One: The new Girl

2009-08-06T18:44:00.000+02:00

Good things:

I found the office and they even let me in- score!

Bad things:

Pretty much everything else – I feel like I have wandered into failblog. So far epic fail.

I am a little disconcerted when I arrive. There is only one other person there - a designer with interesting facial growth and a dubious odour - still I begin smiling widely.

He looks a little concerned - Oh dear perhaps my smile is actually crazed I try desperately to look nice and normal. To my horror he physically takes a step away from me looking horrified.

Nice one Kate scare off the office nerd.

"You must be the new person." He mutters unenthusiastically, "We haven't set your computer up yet". He then turns away and logs on to his PC ignoring me.
I bite my lip and glance around. They do know I’m coming don’t they?

The Designer (also known as Stee) is now watching porn and ignoring me.

I try to read a few of the magazines. Hmmmm legal crap and some financial rubbish wow this is fascinating.

I wonder if I should cut my losses and run the hell out of this place. Surely there will be better jobs… but I so wanted to do well. I bit my lip again -I am actualy bleeding now! Good start Kate!

Secret life of the office

2009-08-05T18:39:00.000+02:00

So my secret office life - or perhaps more appropriately all the things I really got up to that should probably have got me fired.

Hi - my name is Kate and I am working in publishing. I do try and behave myself but tend to find not unlike Britney "oops I did it again" is a rather over-used phrase of mine. This blog is detail a few years of my life where I broke pretty much every office rule. And you know what - I had a damn good time doing it. And I wasn't the only one getting up to no good. So time to expose this little publishing company and everyone who worked there. Names are changed so no one tries to sue me but everything else is true.

Oh and boys and girls.... don't try this at home....

Bad things I have done already and the job starts tomorrow:

1) lied on my CV - my last job was not marketing assistant - in fact it was not even admin assistant

2) Pretended to know more than I do in the interview

3) Exaggerated my pay - hey it worked I used to earn 19K and they are going to pay me 22.5K fools!

So rules for success in the new job
Step 1 - Choose perfect outfit - need to look professional and yet approachable. Nice but not slutty. Professional and not boring. Cheap but not obviously - hey my salary for this role is 22,500 - Next is barely in my price range.

Step 2 - Be on time. Be on time Be on time. I will achieve this by A setting three alarms with varying levels of annoyingness. A sign next to be bed saying "Get up you lazy cow or you will be fired" will also assist.

Step 3 - Do not talk utter crap - listen and nod - everyone always thinks quiet people are hard working and serious

Step 4 - Do not sleep with any of your work mates.

This new company has about 20 employees when I join. I believe I will be the third woman to join. Must be one of the guys but not isolate the women.

I can do this!