Sunday, 17 October 2010

Sophistication? You have the wrong office!

I almost feel sorry for Fishy and Jamie. They had such high hopes for Amber and she is crushing everyone.

My favourite Amberisms include:
"Ew British men have such icky teeth" All the guys in the office looked positively woebegone and while I felt sorry for them I had to laugh
"All women should be having regular Botox right Kate?" At which point I spilt my coffee all over my desk.
"I can't help it I just find guys sexier when they have money. I mean I’d never sleep with someone unless he was a financially viable asset." At this point Fishy is turning puce so I interject "Me too the guys I date have to fill out a form."
Simon sniggered and Amber nodded vigorously. "I know right."
Oh and my other favourite gem, "I never eat carbs or sweets. I'd love to look more anorexic like you Kate."
"Yes." I say as seriously as I can manage, "Because in our meetings I'm the one that gets all the guys falling over themselves to give me their numbers... no wait Amber that's you."
Amber laughs, "Yeah because I make an effort. You're just too approachable and you really need to wear more makeup you could be so pretty." I know I should be offended but it's too funny. Plus apparently I could be pretty if I only tried harder!
And the best one to Ted, "This office needs some more sophistication." Ted looked confused and blustered. I laughed "Amber, he gave up on that the moment he hired Fishy." I earn a laugh and a finger from Fishy...

Now I know it sounds like I should dislike her but she is hilarious. I have never met anyone with such a lack of tact and every time she opens her mouth I can't help but laugh. The men however have a different reaction:

Ted - gets flustered whenever she says anything and then looks uncomfortable so trys to laugh it off. Her very expression is "Ted is so like the office papa right?" This makes him clearly uncomfortable and I love it.

Simon - His natural shyness seems to amuse her and she will often go over to his desk and talk. Simon the gets incredibly embarrassed and has sent me secret text messages saying make her leave. Favourite Simon quote, "She terrifies me!"

Fishy - Poor Fishy I feel sorry for him. He is so shocked by Amber that he keeps asking us all to go to the pub drinking. Last time he even texted me when I was working late saying my favourite drink was waiting. Okay he got it wrong but his dislike of Amber has made him a lot nicer to me.

Ethan - Ethan being the most patient person in the office doesn't seem to mind. he is always polite and friendly to her and he and I are both happy to laugh off the more unusual remarks.

Jamie - Poor Jamie is wandering around looking like he's just found out there isn't a Santa. As his Ex I am in no way rubbing this in by telling him I told him so... No definitely not.

Jay - Not that he is a in anyone sexist and a bit of a perv but he seems to spend his entire time starring at her chest. Creepy oh yes!

Monday, 9 August 2010

New girl in the office and co-workers misery is my happiness

Sorry for the delay in posting. I hope this one is worth it.

So it’s Ambers first day – she starts at lunch time and I decide to start the day well by:
  • Being on time (I am only 15 mins late this counts as managed)
  • Wearing make up- (Sucess foundation covers the bruise from a fall)
  • Making sure hair was brushed and stocking free of runs – I can mend that bad first impression (Fail - stockings ripped and hair mad)
  • Stopping Fishy or Jamie from anything too appropriate. (Who am I kidding?)
  • Stopping Ted from calling her Sugar bird which he used on me this morning. (Just what?)
“Can I get anyone a tea?” I offer
Jamie and Fishy grunt yes, Ethan and Simon offer to help.
“Ted?” I ask,
“Alright then sugar bird” He responds.
I pause and glare.
“If you don’t want me to add something a lot less sweet to your tea I suggest rephrasing.” I say and stomp off.

“Seriously what is with him?” I fume to Simon, who laughs.
“You could occasionally ignore him rather than rising to it every single time you know...” He says.
“But he needs to learn how stupid he is.” I say “And without me reminding him how will he ever know?”
Simon laughs, “You are a nightmare.”
“Hey he should be thanking me.” I say, “If Amber was here she could sue – she's American remember.”
“She better not.” Says Fishy who has snuck up behind us “It will be loads worse when we finally have a fit woman in the office.”

This should not bother me because:
Fishy likes to annoy me I know this and I think the whole office does. Unfortunately it does. I try and think of a good comeback and fail so resort to spilling coffee on his desk. Unfortunately this isn’t quite the victory it should be as in the process I spill some on my white skirt. This looking well-groomed thing isn’t working out. I already ripped my stockings so I have my Mr Bump plasters displayed on my knees for all to see. Classy Kate...

At around ten to twelve I get a call from reception announcing Amber is here and I go up to see her.
She is as glamorous as ever and positively dripping Chanel. I remind myself that I don;t want or need designer stuff. Besides while I could never afford designer labels it is probably for the best. I'm already cross with myself for ruining a £20 skirt before lunchtime…

“Hey.” I say to her with a smile, “Remember me? I’m Kate welcome.”
She smiles and takes my hand. “I’m glad you're okay I felt really sorry for you.” She says.
I blush “All better now!” I say over brightly and concentrate very hard on walking down the steps.

I introduce her to the rest of the office and show her to her desk.

“And we are doing a special welcome to the team lunch for you at one” Ted booms at her.
Amber smiles, “Wow that’s great.” As I settle her into her desk she asks
“Where are we going? Somewhere nice? I’m like so dying to try the Ivy.”
I laugh, “They are slightly less generous than that here, generally it’s the pub down the road. It does nice food and we go there a lot after work which you are welcome to join. Best introduce you now."
“Ew” she exclaims loudly, I jump and hope she isn't talking about one of my injuries
“A pub?" She looks says looking horrified "I never go there -they're dirty and full of old men right? Totally gross. Plus they never do carb free stuff”
Hmmm this could be interesting I think. “Give me a second.” I say and grab Ted.

“Ted do you think we could do Pizza Express?” I ask quietly, "I think Amber would be more comfortable with somewhere she knows.”
Ted looks bemused, “Why?”
I sigh I have no argument so improvise.
“Ted,” I say confidentially, “It’s a girl thing…”
“Oh well then of course.” He says looking scared. I love this about Ted. Mention anything remotely female and he runs a mile.

I go back to Amber’s desk and hear her telling Fishy and Jamie how much she hates pubs and the beer culture. Both look like they have eaten lemons and Ethan is trying not to laugh.

I think she might be a very interesting choice...

Tuesday, 6 July 2010

You have to be mad to want to work here…

So we’ve been interviewing and we have two candidates.
1) Amber – she is definitely not lacking in confidence and could do a good job but doesn’t have all of the database skills.
2) Jenny – She seems very nice has all the skills and is a bit quiet. Jamie thinks she “lacks the confidence” actually he doesn’t fancy her.

Ted, “We need to hire someone. This TEAM is incomplete.”
I roll my eyes, “You do know these little meeting Jamie and I keep disappearing to are expressly for that purpose Ted.”
Ted glares. “So will anyone do so far?”
“I like Amber” says Jamie quickly.

I sigh ever since I dumped him prior to her interview Jamie has been going on about Amber being fit. And I know I dumped him but it’s annoying me. What’s worse is Fishy has picked up on the fact it is annoying me and is joining in.

“So we have Amber or Jenny in the running then.” Ted says stating the obvious. “Hmmmmm well TEAM the only solution is put it to a vote.”
I groan softly and Fishy shoots me an evil grin.

“Right TEAM gather” Ted calls.
I bang my head on my desk a few times in despair.

“We the sales team have a dilemma – two candidates can do the jobs – so who do we choose. Jamie and Katie you have a minute each to make your case.”

I glare, “Jenny can do the job better.”
Jamie smirks, “Is that is?” He asks, “Well Amber is intelligent, proactive and will fit into the team. Plus she will look great representing it.”
“You are unbelievable.” I tell him

“Enough kids.” Fishy interrupts. “So are we voting Ted?”

Ted beams, “Form a circle and we will vote going around?”
“What is with you an d circles?” I mutter, “Would no one play with you at school.”
Simon sniggers and we get into the circle.
I go first and vote Jenny, Simon follows.

Fishy and Jamie vote Amber.

“As Ethan is off today I get the decider.” Ted declares, “And I vote Amber.”
Jamie and Fishy cheer and I console myself with he fact at least this means no more interviewing people.

Plus the chances of them picking someone I didn’t humiliate myself in front were always slim. Amber is starting Monday...

Friday, 25 June 2010

Awkward interviews and how to become a really bad manager...

Really sorry all for being awol for so long – I had some work issues to sort and just needed some time away. Also one of my work colleagues discovered my blog which made me consider closing it L Anyway if you are reading colleague – please don’t tell anyone that this is me. I would appreciate that. K x

So to recap – I last blogged just after I decided it was a good idea to dump Jamie right before our interviewee was arriving.

Stupid stupid stupid Kate.

After Fishy left smirking Jamie and I looked at each other awkwardly for a moment. “Well I’ll go get her shall I?” I chirp with as much cheer as I can possibly force.
“Shall you?” Jamie mimics back. I blush and stumble out. This poor interviewee is going to have the worst half hour of her life I think.

I go and see her in reception and instantly think please let that not be her. Sitting in reception is the most glamorous and polished woman I think I have ever seen in my life. Slightly olive skinned and dressed head to toe in designers she looks like a less airbrushed Eva Mendes.

Insecurity come and bite me on the ass…

I take a breath. I am in power here I am the interviewer. I think.
“Hi,” I say, “I’m Kate and it is really nice to meet you. My colleague is waiting downstairs if you want to follow me.”
“Hey, that’s great.” She drawls with a strong new York accent, “I’m Amber by the way.”
I turn and smile at her and lead the way. Unfortunately I forgot four very important things:
1) I am a moron
2) I am clumsy
3) I am wearing ridiculous heels and can barely walk as it is
4) I should always always look where I am going

But I ignored these things…And fall down the last few steps

And manage to cut my lip on the floor.

“Oh my God are you okay?” Amber asks sounding horrified.
I now have blood all over my top.

Great if I am going to hurt myself I am implementing a new rule – only on the occasions where I will do it well enough to illicit sympathy

Once the office realises I am alive they all begin sniggering except Ethan (and Simon but possibly only because he is not here).

I plan to put laxatives in their tea.

I get up mortified,

“It’s fine I’m fine.”

Ethan comes over and hands me a pile of tissue
“Ignore them kid – just don’t bleed on your interviewee.”
“I need a hug.” I say.
He gives me a quick squeeze and says “Don’t worry about it, if nothing else you’ve probably given the fairest impression of the company yet.”

I sigh and try to look dignified leading Amber into the room.

“What have you done now?” snips Jamie, he turns to Amber all smiles,
I position myself over the table so I can subtly bleed on him

Small revenge…

Tuesday, 16 March 2010

Publishing ceremonies, mad CEO and having to work sucks

The last few days seem to have been manic - don't faint but we have all had to work - shock horror.

Early in April there is a big award ceremony for a certain area in publishing and we are hosting this. As far as publishing awards go there are two types - fun ones where you meet interesting people and corporate ones. Ours is corporate the whole point of it is to make lots of money and is so boring it's a struggle doze off - on the plus side we get given a five star meal at a very posh hotel in London and endless champagne. However in the build up we are all feeling overworked and underpaid.

Jay has been wondering around in a kind of management stupor because finally he has something that even he can't manage to screw up - food tasting.

Ted is barking orders at us all and becoming quite alarmingly red in the face. Ethan who is the mature and sensible one actually stormed out the office yesterday after Ted told him to "Buck up your ideas young man." when he tried to leave on time for his wife's birthday. Tensions are running high in general and Jamie and I are rather pointedly not speaking to each other to Fishy's obvious joy.

"Are you two looking forward to interviewing later" He smirks
Jamie grunts and I scowl at him.
"Now now now now now thats not the attitude I want from my happy little TEAM." Pipes Ted, "I want enthusiasm - you two need to say today I WILL find the perfect candidate."
Simon coughs clearly trying not to laugh, Ethan rolls his eyes and Jamie continues to glare. I shrug disinterestedly.
"Maybe they should form a power circle." Fishy suggest an evil glint in his eye, "Ted was saying in the past he has used holding hands in a circle to motivate."
"Quite right." Ted interrupts looking delighted - people listening to anything he says is pretty rare.
"Good plan Fishy - TEAM on your feet. We need to up the energy in this room TEAM!" I groan.

"I think they need to get more involved." A clearly amused Fishy says,
"Good plan.," Says Ted, "Right Everyone hold hands and say-"
"I'm not holding hands with him." I say pointing at Fishy, "I don't know where he's been."
"I wouldn't want to hold hands with you for the same reason.," He retorts "Oh actually I know where you've been"
"Isn't this waste of time supposed to be about team building." Ethan says wearily.

"Yes so enough bickering children." Ted booms, "All take hands."
We all relutantly give in.
"Repeat with me - today I will be my best. I will support my colleagues and I will sell sell sell."
I consider making a sarcastic remark but decide I haven't the energy. I replace sell sell sell with market market market though just to annoy Ted a bit.

"Morning all what are we up to?" Comes a nasal and constipated voice. Great Jay has decided to venture to the commoners.
"Just motivating the happy worker bees." Ted says oblivious to the sea of scowls.
"Good good good. Well I need to volunteer to come to the Pretentious Hotel with me and help me with the food tasting. How about you Katie?"
"I have a press release to get out and then we are interviewing I am afraid." I say trying to sound sincere. Given the choice of spending time with Jay and having my teeth pulled out I am not sure which I'd prefer.
Jay looks surprised - clearly I have passed up a lifetime opportunity, "Well how about our young junior sales boy." he says nodding at Simon, "Learn from a master."
Simon blushes but nods and gathers his things up clearly uncomfortable.
"You can't expect this kind of treat every working day mind." Jay warns.
Simon gives a forced smile, "See you later."

After a few hours when Simon still has not returned I get a text from him saying, "He is making me hold plates while he tastes things and I had to blind fold him. I would rather be holding Ted's hand."

I laugh and message it to Ethan who smiles.

"Haven't you guys better be getting the interview room ready. Fishy says to me and Jamie "I am sure you will need to talk beforehand."
I reluctantly follow him into the meeting room where we sit in silence for a few minutes
"So are we going to talk at all."
"Okay" I say. "I don't think we should see each other any more."

Unfortunately at this point Fishy arrives saying "Your interviewee has arrived." And I have a nasty feeling he heard me.

Wednesday, 10 March 2010

Dollys drinking and soaking

Thanks to Ted's current reign of terror we decide to set the world straight by drinking too much. We being me Ethan, Jamie, Simon and Fishy. Jamie and I are back on again but we are still keeping it secret. And we quickly decide the best way of relieving stress is by drinking a lot. All the boys drink beet except Fishy who only ever drinks wine. It gets to eight and we decided on another round including Ethan. This is usual in that Ethan is usually the sensible one.

"So anyone got any ideas of how to destroy Ted? Decapitation is fine" Ethan says. Poor Ethan has been working closely with Ted on one of our new launches. We just signed a new very commercial client which should be great but Ted has decided to "help" Ethan with it. As a consequence Ethan has spent much of the day trying not to loose his cool.

"Right TEAM sales drinks?" Simon asks
We all shout agreement.
"I thought you weren't sales Kate?" Fishy says snidely.
I laugh, "If someone is buying drinks I am."
"Is someone going to help me carry theses?" Simon calls,
I go and help him and we decide to work on our best Ted impressions. It involves saying golly gosh a lot.

I give Fishy and Ethan their drinks and grab a seat next to Jamie. Simon comes and joins us with the remaining drinks.
"Here you go dolly" he says to me in the best Ted voice,
"Will you two just get a room already" Fishy says. I cringe slightly. Jamie and I are touching arms under the table and I can feel him tense up.

Simon and I both blush
"We were just doing Ted impressions." I say, "He keeps calling me dolly at the moment." (It's true and it is driving me mad)
"And you are really going to tell me you both don't fancy each other?" Fishy says.
I glance at Simon and I think it is safe to say we both resemble beetroots. Not a look I recommend incidentally
"Leave them alone Fishy." Ethan says,
"I think they should answer - if there is a little office romance brewing." Jamie says snidely.
"Seriously can we please get over this?" I ask
"You didn't answer the question." Jamie says glaring.

There is an awkward silence for a moment.

"So if Ted had Megan Fox's body would you go there?" Ethan asks.
I smile at him across the table and mouth "thank you"
"I'm going for a cigarette." Jamie says moodily.
"Wait up mate I'll join." says Simon running after him.

Ethan Fishy and I sit in awkward silence for a moment.
"Tenner says one of them throws a punch." Fishy smirks,
"Shut up!" I snap.
"You really enjoy having the men fighting over you." Fishy carries on, "Can't say I see it myself."
"Leave it." Ethan says.
"I like a woman with elegance and grace," he says, "Not some clumsy little bit-"
I stand up and empty his full glass of wine into his crotch.

"Damn if only I wasn't such a clumsy little bitch" I glare, "I'm going home."

I storm out and feel someone tap me on the shoulder.
"What?!" I shout expecting Fishy. It is Ethan - oops
"Sorry Ethan. I think my night has peaked." I say tearfully.
He gives me a hug,. "Ignore him, I'll to have a word - I'll sort it."

I get home to find three texts
Number 1 from Simon
Sorry Fishy was an arse tonight, don't get upset by him the rest of us love you. xx

Number 2 from Ethan
I spoke to him it'll be okay - chin up kid

Number 3 from Jamie
Do you like Simon more than me?

Why can't life be simple?

Wednesday, 3 March 2010

The boss needs to know everything, office fights

More and more interviews I swear I can’t even seem to hear the answers any more. Amazing the number of responses you get from an advert in the Guardian, some of them from the certifiably insane and some just desperate. Apparently the lure of publishing is such that people are queuing up to work with Ted and earn 18K a year.

Ted has also decided this week that he wants to get more involved in all of our day to day tasks.

“I want to know what you are all doing at all times!” He announced with the air of the management gone mad with power. Or maybe it is lack of sales, poor Ted hasn’t managed to sell anything in weeks.
“So Katie what is your day today going to consist of?” he asks.
I sigh, “Well seeing as yesterday Jay told me you have agreed a new book client I am going to spend most of the day working on a promotional plan. The rest of the day is wondering how the hell I am going to fit in this plan with only a month notice.”
“We don’t have defeatist talk here.” He responds. “I want an hourly status update kiddo." I glare. kiddo?

"Simon who are you calling today?" He carried on oblivious to my death glare.
“How about I just email you my sales leads?” Simon asks.
“No talk me through it. As a TEAM we all need to know what everyone is doing.”
Simon sighs and lists his clients.
“Is that all your calls today?” Ted demands his eyes possessed looking.
“I was also going to call my mother and wish her a happy birthday.” Simon admits, “But I thought you wouldn’t care about that.”

Ted goes around the room until Ethan finally tells him, “I could take you through my list of sales prospects or I could actually call them and make some money. Your call.”
Ethan losing his temper is rare and this shuts everyone up for a while

Ted leaves to make tea and we all exchange looks,
“What the hells gotten into him?” I ask.
“He thinks the atmosphere here is unprofessional.” Fishy replies smugly
“For God sake.” Ethan says
“I don’t blame him.” Fishy says, “You lot are mad”
“Funny how he asked you too considering you are so much better than us.” I retort.
“Cut it out you two.” Ethan says. “I have a meeting with him this afternoon I’ll have a word then. Kate, Jamie get someone hired. I think that will calm him down.”

“Can we go and talk about our next interviews?” Jamie asks.
I sigh and follow him into the meeting room.
“Are you not talking to me?” He asks
“No this is all psychic communication – spooky.” I say
He glares, “Mature really mature.”
“Well without meaning to sound even more immature you started it.” I say.
He laughs, “So what are the chances of kissing and making up?” he says.

Hmmm bad idea?