Ted updates me on Arthur and I am a bad employee

Ah the meeting with Arthur. Ted says we need to have a chat this afternoon.

Unfortunately I remember some of my ideas included:

• Suggesting we had more attractive people on the covers of our magazines and books. I seem to remember I also went into a ten minute rant about mullet man feature last week
  
• Making Ted dress up as an piece of fruit once a week
  
• Making a few reader quizzes with decent prizes rather than just subscriptions to our stuff. Yes I think those were my actual words.

So I am pretty nervous when Ted takes me into the meeting room.

He clears his throat importantly and says" "Arthur has spoken in depth to Jay about you."
I blush and try to look innocent and wrongfully accused.
Ted looks at me oddly, "Are you all right Katie - you looked a bit deranged."

Oh God I think - stop looking deranged. I can feel myself getting redder and I know I am doing a weird scary starry smile.
"I'm fine." I stammer looking at the floor and trying to stop myself turning into a human tomato.

"Anyway," Ted says clearly deciding being alone in a room with a crazy woman is a bad plan. "Arthur was hugely impressed by your ideas and enthusiasm. So much so he wants you to join our management meetings."

Arthur was impressed I think utterly stunned. Was he drunk too? Then I realise what Ted has said. Management meetings. I look up in horror. These are the most boring meetings in the history of the world

"Are you sure?" I say "I mean I'm not very.....management type."
Good one Kate
"Yes." Says Ted glaring, "Believe me it's not my decision."
"So do I have to do anything?" I ask nervously.
"Not much Ted says, "The occasional presentations, take notes and try not to be a smart ass.You might want to practise that. Extensively."

I hate him.

Teds back, sock rows and bad news....

So to recap last week was an unqualified disaster. I think I hit a whole new level of stupidity in how not to get promoted - achievements included:

• Not making Jamie jealous 
  
• Making a complete idiot of myself in front of date who actually turned out to be very sweet - I now have to go to a different coffee shop 
• Getting drunk before meeting the important shareholder
  
• Kicking the printer so hard I think I might have broken a toe
  
• Arson at Zizzi’s
  
• Following the arson incident admitting what happened on the date to the guys.... who laughed
  
• Then splitting an entire tub of cheer up cookies and cream ice cream with Andi. The ice cream was a cheer up present from Rob. Very sweet but I am still plotting revenge for the G&T's
This week must do better must be professional and aloof and not embarrass self. Today is starting off badly. For one thing Ted is back and blustering around. I arrive (late as usual 9:20 – not too bad….) to find Ted and Ethan having a blazing row.

“But the smallest thing could make a difference to the sale” Ted insists. Ethan sighs clearly trying to remain calm, "Well how about if I don’t make a sale we can ask them afterwards if the four-leaf clovers are the reasons for not signing? I think it is unlikely don't you?" Ted frowns "Ethan it is just we have to convey an image of complete professionalism and your socks are frivolous" "Well the clovers on my socks must be bring me luck." Ethan retorts "Seeing as I am top of the sales board again."

Ouch. It is very unlike Ethan to ever lose his temper or be anything but nice and friendly even to Ted but I can see his point. Ethan is one of the best salesmen. In fact they all seem to have very high figures. Except Ted that is....

After they calm down I settle myself onto some promotions and pretend that I arrived on time. Ted and Ethan are gathering up their belongings when as Ted leaves he says, "Oh Kate that reminds me I need to talk to you about your meeting with Arthur." Arthur is the shareholder.... the one I met whilst a drunken idiot. Oh crap

Watch out for the quiet ones

Well after last weeks series of embarrassments things can only get better.

I am going to start this Monday as the new Kate. The professional Kate the one that never embarrasses herself or says stupid things.

I decide to go with Laura for lunch - Laura seems sensible so it should be safe. Wow was I wrong let this be a lesson quiet does not equal sane.

Laura it turns out is crazy . She decided rather than lunch we should drink a bottle of wine. In my defence I did protest (a little) thinking no good could come of it. I was right. I hate being right.

After the bottle of wine on an empty stomach feeling queasy I managed to lean against a wall and get a black stain on my bum. Classy.

Then after making myself coffee to sober up I spilt half of it down my top. Ouch! Not only is my pretty pink top stained but it hurt like hell and splashing cold water didn't really help.

So spent the afternoon looking like I had an accident on my way to enter a wet T shirt competition.

Andi gives me a hug which makes me feel a bit better though. She still loves me.

I decided to put my headphones on and listen to happy music. I couldn't cause trouble that way... you would think.

I listened to Scissor Sisters and actually got some work done creating marketing campaigns when a sudden tap on the shoulder made me jump. I looked up to see Rob grinning at me.

“What?” I say grumpily.

“You do know you have been singing filthy gorgeous out loud for the last five minutes?”

I’m going to buy shoes.

Anyway I’m a good singer... they are just jealous...

Tell me why I don't like Mondays

Because at the moment this Monday is shaping up well.

First I arrive twenty minutes late and no one even seems to notice. I even had an excuse prepared to do with water on the tube - hey there has to be some benefit of how crap London Underground are.

Second following our drinks I have decided that I will not obsess that I am not marriage material I will just be glad to have survived the potential cliff shove. On an entirely unrelated subject I do make everyone a cup of tea and coffee that morning and even offer to do the lunch time round...
I have been having fun at my job recently too - Raw has been taking me to industry conferences and letting me see their literature and I am making up brochures and media packs. I find myself taking to these like a duck to water - I actually feel like I am doing something I am good at for pretty much the first time in my life.

And Jim has said that if I want to I can work from home one day a week! Woohoo sitting on the computer in my pyjamas. If I am feeling like it I can email naked.

Ha! Naked Wednesdays!

Apologies and practical jokes

I have sent my groveling email to May and she is smiling at me again phew. I hate upsetting people. I also feel pretty pissed. I am trying to stop myself giggling but I keep noticing that my keyboard is wobbling and it seems funny. I also see my reflection and notice my nose looks red. I giggle to myself. Right must do some work this afternoon - do not want workmates to think I am a complete lightweight I think.

I notice an email arriving in my inbox from Rob. My smile fades - it reads "How pissed are you?"

I blush and try to look hard working and sober. In my defense I am a size 10 and 5,7. I have less room to soak up alcohol than they do.

Jim leaves to go and grab cigarettes and Rob decides it is joke time. He carefully covers Jim's phone in ink so him ear will be black. He also unfolds a paper clip and picks up Jim's afternoon banana. I watch intrigued as he carefully decapitates the unsuspecting banana and replaces it. I pick it up impressed - you wouldn't have a clue the banana had been sliced in half.

Under strict instructions not to give the game away I get back to my marketing letters. Jim comes back and promptly answers his phone. Luckily he realizes immediately and laughs. He then ends up with half a banana in his lap and officially declares war on Rob. Monday morning could be interesting I think....

Printers hate me! My first marketing campaign

Oh yes - when I arrive this morning I am offered a book and told I should write a letter and get it ready to send all by my self! Woo actual responsibility and direction.  I happily write the letter and spell check it about twelve times before arriving at Jay's door. Ha - see I am important without me there would be no letter!

I am clearly a total moron. As if Jay would let me do that - as I finish he asks to see my letter and then adds so much red pen I really needn't have bothered. He then reminds me to "Be a good girl and bring it back once all my amendments have been made so I can check."

Any touches of personality in my letter have been scrupulously removed and it now smacks of pretension. Past caring I  print the letters. All 5,000 of them. I feel rather horrified as they build up on my desk. Oh shit - it is repeating the same letter - quick cancel cancel cancel!
Okay deep breath - I try again

Success it is printing!!! Then suddenly it jams. Oh crap! I kick the printer a few times and look around helplessly. I notice Jamie and Rob looking at me with amusement. Jamie takes pity and unjams the printer for me

Noooooooo it has gone back to the beginning.

Why why why would it do this?? That is over 1,000 letters I can't even use!

I take a deep breath and start again. Right I can do this. Fine print.

Oh God - this time the mail merge seems to have mucked up - it is saying dear

Cancel cancel canel -okay it has stopped - phew!

I try and look nonchalent as I collect the letters

Jamie and Rob have clearly noticed my monumental cock up - both are laughing at me. Great just great.

I set about hiding 7,000 wrong letters in various bins.

Oh God - my signature didn't print - I have to sign 5,000 letters.

Did I do something bad in a former life? Is this Karma? I decide to take up the boys offer of joining them for a drink - I could use a vodka or twelve.

Apparently marketing exec = general skivvy.

I feel as though I am settling in - with the help of google I am beginning to learn how to do this job. However I seem to have two tiny little problems.

The first one goes by the name of Jay. Remember him skinny, gray, kind of annoying talks like the queen, talks a lot of crap  and owns the company. Yeah.... him  I am beginning to get used to a cry of:
"Kate, could you please go to reception and fetch my visitors." Comes a "frightfully" posh voice..."And make them teas and coffee."

It isn't just me - May gets called for this too as does Jack. So it can't even be called sexism. I think it is just called thinking he is far too important to make his own sodding tea ism. Is that an ism? Anyway I digress problem 2 - Dave.

Dave is beginning to scare me. Constant taunts about how crap this place is and some stand up rows over pay with Jay. (I wonder if perhaps he is just annoyed that his name doesn't contain a more prominent ay sound but apparently this is frivolous and not funny) I know it is mean but I can't wait for him to leave. I am sick of his glaring and general moodiness. Luckily for me it is his last day on Friday and he and the sales guys celebrate by going out at midday and not returning until 3pm completely plastered.

This again is partially my own fault - like a moron I volunteered to cover the phones. I actually figured they would suggest we took in turns so I could join but no they seemed delighted again. Hmmm must stop volunteering for things I don't want to do.

Hi Office you are paying me but what do I do?

Ah the burning question which has still not been fully answered.

My boss's idea of training me consisted of here are the publications have a look through them and come up with a plan.

Right I think I can do this - I must first understand what the hell we are selling - then I can figure out how to promote - Get me - I'm figuring out marketing all by myself!

I look at the clock after reading through the products and am stunned. I expected it to be at least next Tuesday. Right so I work on magazines that make time stand still. How to promote? It's a thinker.
Product 1 - For bankers and other such people - it's dull and online
Product 2 - It's dull and online and in print and it looks like it was designer when dinosaurs were still living - my grandfather would think this looked uncool. Would it hurt them to add some colour? Looking at the design is a good cure for insomnia though...
Product 3 - For lawyers advising rich morons. You've guessed it - it's dull.

So I google - yeah it's cheating but only if they find out and there are lots of articles with helpful ideas I can pass off as my own. Possibly slightly unethical but quite a lot of fun. I am also looking forward to the arrival of two new sales men. As far as eye candy goes there is only Jamie here and something tells me he might be trouble.We also have a new editor joining us soon.

Apparently there is a big welcome drinks next week for them all and me as well. I rather like the idea of this free alcohol and hopefully attractive men. I'll let you know how it goes. I am trying to maintain a vaguely professional image here (no falling asleep on the table, vomiting in public - you know the kind if thing)

Must not have more than two glasses of wine. Must not must not must not. I am the queen of willpower