Silly games, flirting, jealousy in a far too small office

I must stop having a crush on my co-worker especially now he has a girlfriend it is becoming embarrassing.
Today Jamie and I have been scoring points (no not the fun kind.) Every sentence he says starts with "My girlfriend" In retaliation I have responded with constant mentions of "My date."

Rob eventually gets annoyed and starts pelting the pair of us with crumpled paper balls. I decide to join him for a cigarette despite the fact I don’t smoke.

"So what’s going on with you and Jamie?" He asks
"Nothing" I say "he has a girlfriend remember."
Rob laughs "Yeah but that’s just another notch on the wall for him."
"Yeah exactly." This is the problem with being one of the boys. You learn stuff about them that you probably shouldn't.

Rob gives me a hug and says.
"You know I'm still single...."
"Yes and just last week you told me you were looking to shag your way through a rugby team by the end of the year." I say.
He laughs "I could try not to."
"While that is tempting I think I’ll pass. Besides I have to work for this stupid presentation I’m giving this afternoon remember?"
Rob smiles - "Dutch courage that’s what you need."

I get the feeling this is a really bad idea. Must not drunk too much and make idiot of self in front of shareholders. Must not be so nervous I can't speak in front of shareholders, must not fall over in front of shareholders.

As we walk back into the office Jamie loudly mentions his girlfriend.

I email Rob saying a drink sounds like a great idea.

Simon says... stay of execution and a date!

So Simon was offered the job!

Ted rang his recruitment consultant this morning and said how impressed he was by this young mans demeanour. Not to mention the other one ran away screaming eh Ted?

Simon for some unknown reason has accepted and is joining us on Wednesday next week. True to form we have immediately organised welcome to the team drinks for Wednesday lunch. Even better as Ted is on holiday Tuesday and Wednesday next week.

It was also a good day as I ended up not having to do my presentation in the dreaded management meeting. To explain why this is so scary once a month every Friday all the managers which include Ted, Jay, Andi and May have an all day meeting with one of our shareholders.

It tends to go on until past five and at lunchtime Andi emerges and begs each of us in turn to either poison shoot or incapacitate her so she doesn’t have to go back. I also hate giving presentations. This week though they were so busy there wasn't time for a marketing presentation. The shareholder is popping in Wednesday afternoon to meet me so I can give it to him one to one. So bets on whether I can do this without screwing it up? Or blushing?

And I have a revenge flirting plan. Jamie is still going on about his new girlfriend constantly... but I have a date. Every week I go and grab a coffee at about 11am. For the last month a guy called Tim has been chatting to me - he works in the area and has been pressing for a lunch date. So I am going out with him next Thursday. Take that Jamie.

Right off for Jacks leaving do - must make sure I mention the date.

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Man trouble and blind drunk interview techniques

Today has not been good. I should have stayed in bed.

Things that make a bad Tuesday:

• Running out of tea bags without caffeine I am neither pleasant nor useful)
  
• Falling over when getting off the bus
  
• Ripping stockings in said fall and having to spend £7 on new ones
  
• The fact that I made myself bleed in the fall
  
• The lack of sympathy from my workmates
  
• Ted looking at me and saying "You look TERRIBLE Kate."
  
• Jamie's new girlfriend

I know I shouldn't be jealous. We are just friends. Who flirt and text occasionally thats it. But he is being so annoying. If I hear one more word about his hot date tonight I might accidently spill tea on him.

I decide that revenge flirting is promptly needed. I consider calling Chris the sweet journalist. Then I remember my last attempt at flirting with him nearly lead to a restraining order.

I sigh - maybe this is a good thing I can stop having mixed feelings for a colleague and yet knowing I should not act on it. It will be a good thing. This is a good day. Then just when I perk up one the elastic in one of my stockings promptly snaps. Making a noise. While I am wearing a short skirt.

Yes having hosiery fall off your leg must be as bad as it gets...

"Katie?" Ted calls "Did I tell you that you need to give a presentation in the meeting on Friday?"

Kill me now...

Workmates with girl trouble and too much tequilla

Time for the updates on last night and the biggest revelation - Rob has a sensitive side. Seriously - who knew?

In all seriousness poor Rob is going through a really hard time. It turns out his on off girlfriend is now off for good. Apparently Rob realised she was waiting for him to commit to something serious. Realising he didn't feel the same way he decided his only option was to call it off. I mentally melted at this - bad boy with a sensitive side - focus Kate you are here to listen and be sympathetic.

I encourage him to keep talking and after a few more drinks Rob looks distinctly teary. I feel horrible I never realised he was going through such a bad time and whenever I see anyone cry it always makes me cry. I give him a hug and tell him that he did the right thing. If it was me I would rather he was honest - at least it would let me be free to get over him and find someone else.

He sighs and says he wishes he could love her and he has really tried to feel more than he does but can't. He asks me if I think he is too shallow and admits he doesn't think he has ever been in love and is worried he won't ever be.

"I'm thirty two." He says. "I should be thinking about settling down and having children. Is there something wrong with me?"

I feel so bad for him and I give him a big hug. I tell him he will find the right person and he has done the right thing.

Rob laughs self consciously and thanks me for listening to him - "I can't talk to many people" He admits.

I smile and tell him anytime although in all honesty I am not sure how great I am being. Occasional hugs and arm patting is about all I have managed.

Rob suggests we get more drinks in and when i get back from the toilet I find him with two drinks and a shot of tequila each. I get the feeling my reward for listening to him is going to be one hell of a hangover tomorrow

Welcome to the basement goodbye sun...

So we are moving office....

Ted emerged today puffed up and asked for complete silence as he had something of the utmost importance to tell us. (I think it rather spoilt the effect that Andi had told me and Jamie yesterday.)

"We are all moving to the basement except accounts and Jay. This move will allow us to have more space and will bring sales and marketing closer." I frown I rather like my position far enough away from Ted that I don't feel the need to kill him yet....

As Andi made me and Jamie promise not to tell anyone (I didn't - he told Rob) and act surprised I let out a loud gasp
work
Ted shouts me a glare - "Enough of the sarcasm thank you Kathryn"

Oops I may have overdone that and since when does he call me Kathryn?
Oh right.

After the nightmare that was my fathers phone call on Mondays revealing my childish nickname of Cactus we started talking about our names. Me and Rob are both only ever called our full names when we have done something very bad. Apparently Ted while not participating in the conversation was listening. Oops

I have been worried about Rob this week - he hasn't been his normal self - even messing with my phone on Monday doesn't seem to have made him as smiley as it would usually. Rob could charm the birds from the trees usually so it is strange to see him looking gloomy.

I email him and ask if he is okay.

He replies saying no and would I come for a quick drink with him tonight as he could use a friendly ear and decent listener. He asks that I don't tell Jamie and it is just the two of us.

This seems so unlike him - I agree immediately and hope I can help.

At the end of the day Jamie asks me what I am doing and I reply that I am not sure. He asks if I will be around for a drink nd I say no. Unfortunately I am a terrible liar and I think my flaming cheeks are giving me away. Luckily he leaves - a bit huffily and once the coast is clear Rob and I head to the usual place.

Watch out for the quiet ones

Well after last weeks series of embarrassments things can only get better.

I am going to start this Monday as the new Kate. The professional Kate the one that never embarrasses herself or says stupid things.

I decide to go with Laura for lunch - Laura seems sensible so it should be safe. Wow was I wrong let this be a lesson quiet does not equal sane.

Laura it turns out is crazy . She decided rather than lunch we should drink a bottle of wine. In my defence I did protest (a little) thinking no good could come of it. I was right. I hate being right.

After the bottle of wine on an empty stomach feeling queasy I managed to lean against a wall and get a black stain on my bum. Classy.

Then after making myself coffee to sober up I spilt half of it down my top. Ouch! Not only is my pretty pink top stained but it hurt like hell and splashing cold water didn't really help.

So spent the afternoon looking like I had an accident on my way to enter a wet T shirt competition.

Andi gives me a hug which makes me feel a bit better though. She still loves me.

I decided to put my headphones on and listen to happy music. I couldn't cause trouble that way... you would think.

I listened to Scissor Sisters and actually got some work done creating marketing campaigns when a sudden tap on the shoulder made me jump. I looked up to see Rob grinning at me.

“What?” I say grumpily.

“You do know you have been singing filthy gorgeous out loud for the last five minutes?”

I’m going to buy shoes.

Anyway I’m a good singer... they are just jealous...

When I get nervous I get even clumsier - run for your life!

Today reason not to flirt with workmates.

The morning after sending suggestive text messages you feel stupid. I have not managed to look Jamie in the eyes once today even when he made me a cup of tea. And I wasn't the one initiating things. And to make matters worse he seems to find my embarrassment really funny.

Feeling uncomfortable in the office makes me do stupid things. Case – I have fallen over twice today – once rather spectacularly down a flight of stairs landing in an undignified heap at Jay’s feet. Jay laughed at me. Lots. Bastard.

Blushing – if like me you are prone to going pink you will spend the entire day looking like a tomato.

Being distracted. I seem to be on planet blonde today. Laddered one of my stockings and walked around the office with only one on for an hour before Evan told me. Rob and Jamie are both still sniggering in my direction.

Rumours – one thing I do not want it to get a reputation or be gossiped about. Still I have thought of a cunning way to deflect suspicion. There is a journalist who works on one of our magazines coming in today. If I flirt with him then no one will suspect anything is happening with Jamie.
Which it isn't. It's a genuis plan.

Right drinking more caffine will put me at ease.

What could possibly go wrong?

Prank phone calls and doughnuts - all in a days work

We have a magazine going to print in three days and zero sales. Ted is out of the office all day and clearly the sales guys are all working hard making calls.... yeah right.

In fact team are trying to get the word "lubricating" into a call with bonus points if they can actually close the sale. There are doughnuts to be won for the winner

Ethan gets the next call. He is polite and professional but at the end of the call apologies if there was a rustling noise explaining, “In this weather my lips get chapped unless they have constant lubricating.” Jamie and I instantly exchange looks –and I blush. Obviously we both have dirty minds – note to self flirting with workmates is a bad idea.

Rob decides to take the next one. We listen to his outrageous flirting with the buyer and he says it has been an illubricating experience. We all groan. Minus points for outrageous flirting and not using the word properly.

Jim calls one of our biggest clients a well known bank. He gets through to the reception and tells the poor girl (on speaker) that he is in a van with a delivery of five hundred doughnuts and is she authorized to take them. She sounds confused.

“Are you the man in the blue van?” she asks,

“Yes!” Jim asserts much to our amusement “And I need to deliver these five hundred doughnuts into your office.” He coughs to cover his laughing.

“Well I might have to check with my boss” The poor receptionist says sounding flustered, “But your van has just driven off hasn’t it?” She now sounds thoroughly confused.

“Oh has it.” Says Jim, “I must have gone then – goodbye.”

I think Jim won the doughnuts.

Monday and a wardrobe malfunction.

My choice of top today bad idea. It seemed okay this morning but as the afternoon has progressed I am feeling more and more self conscious. It is just a shirt but it actually cuts pretty low. This was a bad choice of outfit for the meeting with the big boss i.e. Jay.

Also for some weird reason after visiting the pub with the boys at lunch my top seems to be slipping lower and lower. This is not going to be one of my better days.

Note to self check for visible underwear before leaving the house. Very important
Plus if there is danger of visible underwear perhaps do not wear a bright red bra. Idiot idiot idiot idiot.

All I need. Jay has this nasty smirk whenever he speaks to any female anyway. Icky and creepy all in one pile of tall skinny overly gelled back pacakge. Score Jay.

Still it could be worse. Andi makes me feel better by telling me about the time she split her trousers in front of everyone. I try not to laugh and fail miserably. I love Andi. Besides I have no reason to feel down - this is my last day for a week. It is my birthday next week and I am celebrating by going to Paris. Jamie asks me to send him a French letter. I giggle and try to act demure. Must stop this shameless flirting.

Blogger note:

In case anyone was wondering as my last few posts seem to be breast obsessed it is not that kind of blog by the way although very amused at the people who finding me through google spiders saying topless office. I bet you were disappointed. And guys just to burst your bubble a little more I am a 30A. Are we all crying now?

Another member of staff runs away screaming

Today I am don't go straight to the office - instead I spend the morning at a conference. Jim has informed me I am now in charge of our media partnerships and bringing marketing materials to them. So I head off to a five star hotel instead of my usual dingy office. Oh it's a tough life!

The conferences themselves are boring as hell but I love the venues. The last one was in the Hilton by Mayfair. I arrive drop off some business cards and brochures and chat to a few of the delegates over the coffee break. After they all go back inside I eat more than my fair share of ginger biscuits and figure I should head back to the office.

On my way out I check that no one is looking and steal a plate of biscuits. See I can be marriage material. I didn't steal the plate by the way - just all the biscuits so my theft is not too grand!

I arrive back and dole out biscuits to the office who seem more amused the impressed but they still happily eat the biscuits. May tells me the latest news - Chip has vanished! Without even saying goodbye. Apparently Jim, Andi and Jay have been in Jays office most of the day and he is making an announcement later. Kay is worried - her and Chip have always been close - and she knows his boyfriend has been putting pressure on him to move back to Ireland.

Suddenly we all hear the sound of Jay's office door opening. We all scramble back to our desks and open appropriate documents to pretend we were working. Jamie picks up his phone and fakes the end of a sales call thanking them for their interest in out products. I smirk as he winks at me.

"Good afternoon all," Jay proclaims, "I have an announcement about some staff changes, as some of you might know Chip has sadly had to leave us quite suddenly as his girlfriend is ill and I am now recruiting for a replacement."
Girlfriend I think and try not to giggle. Does Jay not understand? Bless
Jay puffs himself up and starts speaking about having a new young and dynamic team.

So more interviews in the office then? Oh joy?

Friday Drinks - shag marry push off a cliff...

As we appear to have bonded so much today - I decide i can go out with the workmates for a drink. I try to avoid going out with my workmates too much as I have a few situations in my last office. I made very good friends but I felt like perhaps people couldn't separate the professional Mae from the pissed up Mae. And I still have a slightly humiliating memory of entertaining the office with some dirty dancing with another girl from sales.

Yes I should definitely try and make this an exception not the rule. But there is no harm in a little glass of wine right? Otherwise I could risk them thinking I am dull and boring.

So we get to the pub they greet the landlord enthusiastically by name. Pete smiles at us with the welcoming air of one who knows we are about to spend a lot of money. I smile and wonder exactly how many hours are spent here.

As we have all had a few drinks already we are perhaps a little more loosened up than we would be normally and the conversation turns to how annoying Jay is. Followed by various and pretty amusing impressions of him. I also learn i was very lucky to get hired as he currently hates blond women due to his soon to be ex wife (blond a lot younger than him and apparently shagging a client of ours - ouch)

I feel a little nervous. Jim then  decides he should get back to his wife and children so buys us all another drink before leaving. So this will be my fourth glass of large white wine on an empty stomach. Oh dear.

Invariably after drinking too turns to sex which I try not to participate in too much. It then turns to the sales men enthusiastically playing shag, marry or push off a cliff on the ladies from our office. Considering there are only three women in the office I appear to be getting  shagged a lot. I am not entirely sure how to react to this so smile awkwardly. Does this mean I am not marriage material?

Apologies and practical jokes

I have sent my groveling email to May and she is smiling at me again phew. I hate upsetting people. I also feel pretty pissed. I am trying to stop myself giggling but I keep noticing that my keyboard is wobbling and it seems funny. I also see my reflection and notice my nose looks red. I giggle to myself. Right must do some work this afternoon - do not want workmates to think I am a complete lightweight I think.

I notice an email arriving in my inbox from Rob. My smile fades - it reads "How pissed are you?"

I blush and try to look hard working and sober. In my defense I am a size 10 and 5,7. I have less room to soak up alcohol than they do.

Jim leaves to go and grab cigarettes and Rob decides it is joke time. He carefully covers Jim's phone in ink so him ear will be black. He also unfolds a paper clip and picks up Jim's afternoon banana. I watch intrigued as he carefully decapitates the unsuspecting banana and replaces it. I pick it up impressed - you wouldn't have a clue the banana had been sliced in half.

Under strict instructions not to give the game away I get back to my marketing letters. Jim comes back and promptly answers his phone. Luckily he realizes immediately and laughs. He then ends up with half a banana in his lap and officially declares war on Rob. Monday morning could be interesting I think....

Long liquid lunches and pay day!

Hooray we get paid today! I can't stop smiling more through relief than anything else. I am not quite sure where my money has gone this month. Yes some went on shoes but only £50 and that seems reasonable.

I am not the only one in a good mood - the entire office feels a bit like summer holidays. Jim decides he will take us all out for a drink or two at lunch time. I smile happily as we all walk out. I feel included although I feel a little guilty about poor May who seems to have been stuck minding the phones. The sales guys just don't understand her - she is abrupt but she is also a really nice person.

Once we arrive at the pub Jim insists on buying a round so I decide on a large glass of white wine - hey it is summer and I am with my boss. The hour goes quickly but Jim seems unconcerned and he is my boss so I don't worry. Jim gets up and buys us all another round and I feel a little concerned. I never eat breakfast - I skipped lunch and I have just had two large glasses of wine.

I feel a little concerned and look at the guys - they all seem fine. Jamie looks rather amused. He links my arm as we walk back to the office and I stay out and steal a cigarette from him. Alcohol always makes me want to smoke although I really don't normally.

We walk in together as May is storming out. It is three and she has not been able to have lunch - she is clearly furious with all of us. I send her an email and say sorry as soon as I am back at my desk.

Gain a new boy!

Well finally the interviewing is over. Poor Andi says she feels like she has been interviewing forever. And some of the candidates are a list of what not to do in a job interview - their various interesting behaviour include turning up in jeans, staring at Andi's chest - being an hour late, asking where the nearest pub is etc

And I thought I was a bad interviewee. Well I am - I get really nervous and talk insanely fast and my voice gets really high. I think it has been described as chipmunk on acid by so called friends in the past.

Thanks guys

Anyway I digress - we have a new team member woo! His name is Joe (we like names beginning with J here.) He is tall well built, black hair and huge brown eyes.  He seems polite and sweet and will be a nice addition to the sales guys who under Robs dubious influence are becoming more and more suggestive. While I don't object to this it is only early days and I am still trying to look sweet and innocent. This may be working a little too well though as Jim constantly apologizes for swearing around me - clearly he has never seen me on a night out - I have a complete potty mouth.

I discover the local pub - yay!

I decide it will be good fun to join the others for a quick drink after work. I have been pretty antisocial since I joined as I tend to do stupid things when I drink. But as we wander over to the pub I feel upbeat. I will stay for one or two I think to myself. Self control that's what it is all about.

Andi is only staying for one or two  so this should be easy we will leave together. And it is nice we all talk about the company - Jamie tells us a bit more about Dave. I was curious why he left on such a bad note.

" The problem is Jay takes resignation as a personal insult." Jamie explains, "He makes anyone who is leaving feel like crap and then if he can tries to rip them off - he was trying to deduct commission from Jay." I smile nervously this doesn't seem good.

Several drinks later and I am learning more about my co-workers than I would have imagined. For example after leaving a work do last week Jamie got so drunk he ended up pawning his watch to buy drugs. And had to walk a mile to get home. I end up confiding about my last job when during my first week I ran out of money for food.

Forced to survive on dry pasta for a week as my only meal I was delighted to be invited to a dinner all expenses paid. Unfortunately the food was late arriving and I managed to drink two large glasses of wine - on a virtually empty stomach. And then pass out on the table. Not one of my best impressions I admit.

Monday Monday - lets expose my pants to the whole office

Oh crap.

Crap, crap crap!

Today started off so well. I arrive in the office and see that the sales boys have had a re-arrange - Dave is now officially out of there and Evan and Rob are all settled in. The atmosphere is instantly better. We chat more and there is some degree of excitement. I still have to suppress a laugh whenever Jack says a word. Seriously this guy makes Gordon Brown seem animated.  My mind then decides to  imagine him shagging.  The thought horrifies me. That unenthusiastic American drawl. "oh yeah faster baby" the thought makes me shudder.

I notice Jamie is watching me and blush.  Imagining your new workmates in the sack probably not the best way to win friends and influence people.  I think and try to look busy. I smile brightly and offer to make a round of tea. As I walk across them room I see a small piece of bright red material on the floor. "Whats that?" I say and pick it up ands freeze.

That turns out to be my thong.

That's the thong that I was wearing yesterday.

I am wearing the same trousers as yesterday.

The thong must have been caught in the trousers and at some point worked it's way out of my trouser leg.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Oh God

How long has my worn thong been on the floor? Has anyone else seen?

I stuff it into my bag and make tea - I am in such a state of shock I keep alternatively giggling and blushing. This can not be happening. I try to avoid peoples eyes but can't help notice Rob seems to be watching me looking suspiciously amused.
May and Andi are both sitting together and seem completely oblivious. I can't even seek female reassurance.

Yes I hate Mondays

Hi Office you are paying me but what do I do?

Ah the burning question which has still not been fully answered.

My boss's idea of training me consisted of here are the publications have a look through them and come up with a plan.

Right I think I can do this - I must first understand what the hell we are selling - then I can figure out how to promote - Get me - I'm figuring out marketing all by myself!

I look at the clock after reading through the products and am stunned. I expected it to be at least next Tuesday. Right so I work on magazines that make time stand still. How to promote? It's a thinker.
Product 1 - For bankers and other such people - it's dull and online
Product 2 - It's dull and online and in print and it looks like it was designer when dinosaurs were still living - my grandfather would think this looked uncool. Would it hurt them to add some colour? Looking at the design is a good cure for insomnia though...
Product 3 - For lawyers advising rich morons. You've guessed it - it's dull.

So I google - yeah it's cheating but only if they find out and there are lots of articles with helpful ideas I can pass off as my own. Possibly slightly unethical but quite a lot of fun. I am also looking forward to the arrival of two new sales men. As far as eye candy goes there is only Jamie here and something tells me he might be trouble.We also have a new editor joining us soon.

Apparently there is a big welcome drinks next week for them all and me as well. I rather like the idea of this free alcohol and hopefully attractive men. I'll let you know how it goes. I am trying to maintain a vaguely professional image here (no falling asleep on the table, vomiting in public - you know the kind if thing)

Must not have more than two glasses of wine. Must not must not must not. I am the queen of willpower