Here you are - sit next to me

So we are back to work - or at least some form of work. Sales calls are made, marketing letters are created, printers are kicked.

Everything with Jamie and Rob is back to normal or at least as normal as the pair of them ever get. They are closer than ever but they have started lots of new competitions. So far we have had the sensible who can get the most sales in that afternoon - an activity that Ted approves of greatly to who can fit the most scotch eggs in their mouth. That was pretty grim. There is talk of who can drink the most later on the week. That could be interesting especially as it is Ethans birthday tomorrow.

Ted meanwhile has spent the last few days making various new seating charts for downstairs with changes and amendments along the way. And absolutely nothing else.

"I've finally got a good seating plan." He tells me proudly. "What do you think."
"Very nice." I say unconvincingly while looking down at my work. I am totally swamped today and really don't have time for Ted.
Ted looks at me and says, "Come now Kate I want you to be 100% honest so I know everyone is happy."
I sigh, "You know it is never a good idea to ask me to be 100% honest Ted."
He looks irritated and snaps, "Just tell me what you think."
"Fine." I say. "I think this seriously took two days of work. It's a damn seating plan!"
I see his ears go a little red and him take a breathe.
"So you don't care where you sit then?"
"Not especially." I respond carelessly.
"Thats good." He says with an evil grin, "Because you and I are sharing a desk."

I can't believe it. Ted got me!

Welcome to the basement goodbye sun...

So we are moving office....

Ted emerged today puffed up and asked for complete silence as he had something of the utmost importance to tell us. (I think it rather spoilt the effect that Andi had told me and Jamie yesterday.)

"We are all moving to the basement except accounts and Jay. This move will allow us to have more space and will bring sales and marketing closer." I frown I rather like my position far enough away from Ted that I don't feel the need to kill him yet....

As Andi made me and Jamie promise not to tell anyone (I didn't - he told Rob) and act surprised I let out a loud gasp
work
Ted shouts me a glare - "Enough of the sarcasm thank you Kathryn"

Oops I may have overdone that and since when does he call me Kathryn?
Oh right.

After the nightmare that was my fathers phone call on Mondays revealing my childish nickname of Cactus we started talking about our names. Me and Rob are both only ever called our full names when we have done something very bad. Apparently Ted while not participating in the conversation was listening. Oops

I have been worried about Rob this week - he hasn't been his normal self - even messing with my phone on Monday doesn't seem to have made him as smiley as it would usually. Rob could charm the birds from the trees usually so it is strange to see him looking gloomy.

I email him and ask if he is okay.

He replies saying no and would I come for a quick drink with him tonight as he could use a friendly ear and decent listener. He asks that I don't tell Jamie and it is just the two of us.

This seems so unlike him - I agree immediately and hope I can help.

At the end of the day Jamie asks me what I am doing and I reply that I am not sure. He asks if I will be around for a drink nd I say no. Unfortunately I am a terrible liar and I think my flaming cheeks are giving me away. Luckily he leaves - a bit huffily and once the coast is clear Rob and I head to the usual place.

Never give parents your work number

The first Monday since Jim finished. Sigh. Ted is officially in charge now and so far so bad

I arrive in the office (9:20am) and sneak inconspicuously towards my desk. If I tiptoe no one will notice I am late. Jamie rolls his eyes when he sees me.

Still I don't think Ted noticed. In fact he doesn't appear to be here, nor does Andi. "They are in a meeting with Jay." Rob says guessing what I was thinking. I hate it when he does that.
"What is the meeting about?" I ask
"Timekeeping." Rob says and then bursts out laughing.
"I hate you." I say blushing.

I go up and make tea for the group. It's my penance for being late.

When I get back to me desk Jack Ethan and Rob are crowded around it playing with me phone. It is now on loudspeaker and no one can seem to change this. Great.

At that point my phone rings - I shush the guys so I can sound professional on my call.

"Good Morning Small Anonymous Publishing company, Kate speaking" I say in my best posh voice
"Cactus! Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy Birthday dear Katie happy birthday to you!" Sings my dad down the phone.
Oh God I think I might die.
"Er thanks Dad." I say, "But it’s not my birthday today it's Emma's" (my sister)

Note to self - giving parents your work number is a bad idea.

Watch out for the quiet ones

Well after last weeks series of embarrassments things can only get better.

I am going to start this Monday as the new Kate. The professional Kate the one that never embarrasses herself or says stupid things.

I decide to go with Laura for lunch - Laura seems sensible so it should be safe. Wow was I wrong let this be a lesson quiet does not equal sane.

Laura it turns out is crazy . She decided rather than lunch we should drink a bottle of wine. In my defence I did protest (a little) thinking no good could come of it. I was right. I hate being right.

After the bottle of wine on an empty stomach feeling queasy I managed to lean against a wall and get a black stain on my bum. Classy.

Then after making myself coffee to sober up I spilt half of it down my top. Ouch! Not only is my pretty pink top stained but it hurt like hell and splashing cold water didn't really help.

So spent the afternoon looking like I had an accident on my way to enter a wet T shirt competition.

Andi gives me a hug which makes me feel a bit better though. She still loves me.

I decided to put my headphones on and listen to happy music. I couldn't cause trouble that way... you would think.

I listened to Scissor Sisters and actually got some work done creating marketing campaigns when a sudden tap on the shoulder made me jump. I looked up to see Rob grinning at me.

“What?” I say grumpily.

“You do know you have been singing filthy gorgeous out loud for the last five minutes?”

I’m going to buy shoes.

Anyway I’m a good singer... they are just jealous...

When I get nervous I get even clumsier - run for your life!

Today reason not to flirt with workmates.

The morning after sending suggestive text messages you feel stupid. I have not managed to look Jamie in the eyes once today even when he made me a cup of tea. And I wasn't the one initiating things. And to make matters worse he seems to find my embarrassment really funny.

Feeling uncomfortable in the office makes me do stupid things. Case – I have fallen over twice today – once rather spectacularly down a flight of stairs landing in an undignified heap at Jay’s feet. Jay laughed at me. Lots. Bastard.

Blushing – if like me you are prone to going pink you will spend the entire day looking like a tomato.

Being distracted. I seem to be on planet blonde today. Laddered one of my stockings and walked around the office with only one on for an hour before Evan told me. Rob and Jamie are both still sniggering in my direction.

Rumours – one thing I do not want it to get a reputation or be gossiped about. Still I have thought of a cunning way to deflect suspicion. There is a journalist who works on one of our magazines coming in today. If I flirt with him then no one will suspect anything is happening with Jamie.
Which it isn't. It's a genuis plan.

Right drinking more caffine will put me at ease.

What could possibly go wrong?

Prank phone calls and doughnuts - all in a days work

We have a magazine going to print in three days and zero sales. Ted is out of the office all day and clearly the sales guys are all working hard making calls.... yeah right.

In fact team are trying to get the word "lubricating" into a call with bonus points if they can actually close the sale. There are doughnuts to be won for the winner

Ethan gets the next call. He is polite and professional but at the end of the call apologies if there was a rustling noise explaining, “In this weather my lips get chapped unless they have constant lubricating.” Jamie and I instantly exchange looks –and I blush. Obviously we both have dirty minds – note to self flirting with workmates is a bad idea.

Rob decides to take the next one. We listen to his outrageous flirting with the buyer and he says it has been an illubricating experience. We all groan. Minus points for outrageous flirting and not using the word properly.

Jim calls one of our biggest clients a well known bank. He gets through to the reception and tells the poor girl (on speaker) that he is in a van with a delivery of five hundred doughnuts and is she authorized to take them. She sounds confused.

“Are you the man in the blue van?” she asks,

“Yes!” Jim asserts much to our amusement “And I need to deliver these five hundred doughnuts into your office.” He coughs to cover his laughing.

“Well I might have to check with my boss” The poor receptionist says sounding flustered, “But your van has just driven off hasn’t it?” She now sounds thoroughly confused.

“Oh has it.” Says Jim, “I must have gone then – goodbye.”

I think Jim won the doughnuts.

I am really impressing my employer- is that the sack I see approaching?

I really need to learn to follow these basic lessons. My boss is annoying but I do not want to get fired.

Therefore this is a list of things I will no longer be doing....well maybe.

Do not after turning up half an hour late claim you were there all day and your boss "simply didn't take the time to notice my existence which I find deeply wounding."
Ted replied "Kate not only is that inappropriate it suggest a possible lack of respect for me."

On being told you show a possible lack of respect for your boss do not - I repeat DO NOT correct said boss with the statement. "No it wasn't not a possible lack of respect it was a definite lack of respect."

Do not manage to wear two shoes that while relatively similar in colour have about an inch and a half difference in heal size. When others notice this it is hard to find any explanation for this extreme blondeness

If you do make the mistake above do not spend half an hour rigorously defending it as a style choice. No one was fooled and if you are prone to blushing you will then get called red Kate all day (as in Ken)

Do not sulk about being laughed at - try to storm off and then fall off said shoes. Spectacularly.

Do not ever admit to weird phobias these will be used against you. Ted seems to have decided that I am mentally challenged due to the occasional squeaks from my desk I stupidly told Rob earlier about my crippling fear of rabbits. Cue the sales team sending pictures of rabbits to me all day causing me to leap up and demand they delete the nasty picture. They also keep singing "Bright Eyes" at me - not obviously scary but singing talent is lacking... (Note to self do not tell them about the spider fear)

There are many other stupid things I could put down here but one thing I did learn was don't give away all your secrets in one go.

Anyway today we are all going to the pub. The sales team seem on the verge of rebellion and after today I need a drink!

I don't think my boss likes me....

Oh Ted..... the poor man doesn't help himself does he.

Well Ted has settled in further by having a blazing row with Jim in the middle of the office. Apparently Jay has decided Ted is his number two. Jay does not help matters by referring to Ted in front of us as his eyes and ears.

Oh Jay way to inspire trust. What you think we all have two hour lunches every Friday and spend the afternoon pissed regularly? Er actually bad point forget that one....

So we all have our meetings with Ted and some of us duly bring along CV's (all the people who have not passed probation yet so me, Rob, Jack, Evan and Joe) the others (Andi, May, Jamie) pointedly refuse.

In my meeting Ted takes me to a wine bar. I feel a little nervous and opt for a saintly sparkling water. Ted asks me about my previous marketing experience. I blush and try to exaggerate my suitability for my job.

"So you haven't got any marketing qualifications or direct experience as such" Ted observes. I blush further and mention all the related campaigns I assisted on. Luckily for me Ted seems easily distracted by his old company. I flatter him asking about the Directors phew! I try not to think "band camp" I must make a good impression.

After my rather uncomfortable hour is finished in which he asks me if I am planning to have children any time time and I make the rather inappropriate response of "Why are you offering to assist?"

I don't think he likes me...

Hangover hell in my office, desk theft and quitting

Oh dear. I am having a nightmare. I am at work with a hangover.

This might not be so bad but I have just returned from my week in Paris and I am supposed to be working hard. Yes I should not have stayed out drinking until 4am last night. Definitely not. I try and walk upstairs slowly. I then realise I am not going to make it. With dignity left firmly in France I dash into one of the toilets and am promptly sick.

Smooooth Kate.

Okay I think I can do this. I can just be quiet and pretend I am really busy catching up. I won;t have to make contact or impress anyone - it will be fine. I am even early today so easy to slink in and quietly settle.

Good plan in theory but as I enter the office I realise something is very very wrong. My desk appears to have been claimed in my absence. Where my papers and spare perfume sits is an unfamiliar briefcase and some photos.

My stomach plunges making me want to go and vomit again. Did they fire me without me realising? I am blonde but surely not that blonde??

I am in the right office? Even I could have have walked into the wrong floor.... I walk out and double check my surroundings. Yeah there is is Anon Ltd on the door the same rather weird small that I think is actually Jay's posh aftershave but my desk "MY DESK" has been invaded.

I look around uncertainly as Jamie arrives "Oh you've seen have you" Jamie mutters to me gesturing towards my desk. Seen I think? Have I been fired? If so surely they could have done it in a more tactful way.

No Jim has quit!

Following a row with Jay Jim has decided to go to a rival company. I liked Jim and I certainly never saw this coming but why is there someones things all over my desk.

Jamie grimances at me - "Ted's" he says. "You'll see."


Top Stories

Welcome to me office I talk like moron

Recently I have been attending our weekly meetings with Jay, Andi, Jim and Kay. These meetings are pretty much a guaranteed cure to insomnia. My idea of a meeting would be, "here are certain topics - lets discuss them". Jays idea seems to be "My voice sounds great I am sure everyone wants to spend their entire Friday afternoon listening to it.

Andi and I have taken to being a bit silly in the meeting. Jay has a sense of humour lack so we are trying to be subtle. It includes bringing a large scented candle to the meeting, pass the cough but these only last for so long.

Until we hit jackpot - the bingo bollocks.

Basically we hand out bingo cards to all of the unfortunate attendees with some of his more irritating phrases on. We all pay a £ and the person with a line wins. If no one wins the money gets rolled over.

My bingo card today contains:

Modus Operandi

360 degree thinging

Pushing the Envelope

Moving Forward

Heads Up

Singing from the Same Hymn Sheet

Wish me luck - the cash could be mine!

Warning - working in media may cause insanity

The next day when I arrive there is a girl looking rather nervous outside the office. I smile and ask her if she is okay and she replies her name is Jane (wow we love J's in this company) she is starting work today for a publishing company but no one has given her a card to get in. She was told to arrive at half eight and has been waiting half an hour.

Oh dear. Jane looks horrified as if she expected this company to be in some way professional. I smile and show her upstairs - fourth floor and the lift is broken. I notice her becoming more and more worried and try to put her at her ease.When we get upstairs I show her the toilets and tea and coffee making facilities and introduce her to Jay.

Poor Jane spends at least an hour having to smile and nod sweetly while Jay waffles on at her. Sorry Jay but I don't think gray, skinny and full of crap is her type.

Jane emails me asking if there is any chance of going permanent. I email back saying I have no idea but she should talk to Andi who is doing the real recruiting. At Robs instance I also ask her if we are likely to get paid this month. I also worry about her sanity if she wants to go permanent - has she not just spent an hour with Jay? So far today she has been abandoned outside the office, had to listen to Jay and had a stack of books knocked on her. (Smooth Jack real smooth)

The day picks up though when Jim sick of all the sales calls decides to have some fun. We were looking at moving offices a few months back and we have been getting endless calls since then.Jim decided then next victim that calls is getting psycho Jim. We are all intrigued at this point.

The phone rings and I transfer it to Jim and motion to the others to list. Jim puts it on loud speaker

Telesales: Hello, is this Jim?

Jim: (In faux posh Jay tones) Yaaah

Telesales: (starts his sales pitch)

Jim: Old Macdonald had a farm ei ei o

Telesales: Excuse me?

Jim:With a baaaaaa baaaaa here and a baaaaaa baaaaa there

Telesales: Shall I call at a more convenient time?

Jim: Baaaaaaaaaa

Telesales: I'll take you off our list.

Do you have to be mad to work in media or does media make you mad?

Working? Thats for minions!

As I am now back in the office one thing becomes clear. As Chip is no longer here to do all of the accounts and listen to Jay whine (I am not sure which one he was valued higher for) we are going to need someone else. In fact Jay casually mentions he should really try and find the time to sort this out before payday so someone is here to do payroll. He seems unconcerned by this and says he will let us know if it will be more than a few weeks late.

Jamie, Rob, Jack (the monotone American remember him) and I all exchange horrified glances. Ethan calmly says to Jim as soon as Jay is out of hearing range that he is going to need to be paid on time. Jim smiles at our horrified faces, "Don't worry Jay lives on another planet - I will remind him his staff work here for money not just because they are so honoured to work near his Lordship."

There is a grain of truth in this Jay is pretentious to the point that he honestly seems to believe we should all be kissing the ground he works on for the privilege of being near him. Jim goes to his office and after almost an hour emerges. "Right Andi," He says, "Jay does not have time to find a temp so he has asked you to."

Andi rolls her eyes and picks up the phone.

Other activities best avoided topless include:

• Ironing - especially with steam
• Answering the door - unless you are an exhibitionist of any nature
• Running down the stairs
• Eating anything hot unless you can guarantee no spillage
• Eating anything cold (see reasons above)
• Speaking to workmates while webcam is still connected. Again that is taking the office bonding a little further than perhaps necessary
• Leaving the house - unless you want to get arrested
• Talking to your parents - it's not that they would know it just feels a bit sick and wrong
• Dancing for five minutes to embarrassing songs and then realising the curtains are open. (i never did this honestly)
• Letting a cat anywhere near you - it's just asking for trouble

I think when I work from home it is easier to let my mind wander. Okay after five minutes on ebay (well I saw some red shoes yesterday) I will do some work.

Yes I will yes I will yes I will.....

Tell me why I don't like Mondays

Because at the moment this Monday is shaping up well.

First I arrive twenty minutes late and no one even seems to notice. I even had an excuse prepared to do with water on the tube - hey there has to be some benefit of how crap London Underground are.

Second following our drinks I have decided that I will not obsess that I am not marriage material I will just be glad to have survived the potential cliff shove. On an entirely unrelated subject I do make everyone a cup of tea and coffee that morning and even offer to do the lunch time round...
I have been having fun at my job recently too - Raw has been taking me to industry conferences and letting me see their literature and I am making up brochures and media packs. I find myself taking to these like a duck to water - I actually feel like I am doing something I am good at for pretty much the first time in my life.

And Jim has said that if I want to I can work from home one day a week! Woohoo sitting on the computer in my pyjamas. If I am feeling like it I can email naked.

Ha! Naked Wednesdays!

Friday Drinks - shag marry push off a cliff...

As we appear to have bonded so much today - I decide i can go out with the workmates for a drink. I try to avoid going out with my workmates too much as I have a few situations in my last office. I made very good friends but I felt like perhaps people couldn't separate the professional Mae from the pissed up Mae. And I still have a slightly humiliating memory of entertaining the office with some dirty dancing with another girl from sales.

Yes I should definitely try and make this an exception not the rule. But there is no harm in a little glass of wine right? Otherwise I could risk them thinking I am dull and boring.

So we get to the pub they greet the landlord enthusiastically by name. Pete smiles at us with the welcoming air of one who knows we are about to spend a lot of money. I smile and wonder exactly how many hours are spent here.

As we have all had a few drinks already we are perhaps a little more loosened up than we would be normally and the conversation turns to how annoying Jay is. Followed by various and pretty amusing impressions of him. I also learn i was very lucky to get hired as he currently hates blond women due to his soon to be ex wife (blond a lot younger than him and apparently shagging a client of ours - ouch)

I feel a little nervous. Jim then  decides he should get back to his wife and children so buys us all another drink before leaving. So this will be my fourth glass of large white wine on an empty stomach. Oh dear.

Invariably after drinking too turns to sex which I try not to participate in too much. It then turns to the sales men enthusiastically playing shag, marry or push off a cliff on the ladies from our office. Considering there are only three women in the office I appear to be getting  shagged a lot. I am not entirely sure how to react to this so smile awkwardly. Does this mean I am not marriage material?

Apologies and practical jokes

I have sent my groveling email to May and she is smiling at me again phew. I hate upsetting people. I also feel pretty pissed. I am trying to stop myself giggling but I keep noticing that my keyboard is wobbling and it seems funny. I also see my reflection and notice my nose looks red. I giggle to myself. Right must do some work this afternoon - do not want workmates to think I am a complete lightweight I think.

I notice an email arriving in my inbox from Rob. My smile fades - it reads "How pissed are you?"

I blush and try to look hard working and sober. In my defense I am a size 10 and 5,7. I have less room to soak up alcohol than they do.

Jim leaves to go and grab cigarettes and Rob decides it is joke time. He carefully covers Jim's phone in ink so him ear will be black. He also unfolds a paper clip and picks up Jim's afternoon banana. I watch intrigued as he carefully decapitates the unsuspecting banana and replaces it. I pick it up impressed - you wouldn't have a clue the banana had been sliced in half.

Under strict instructions not to give the game away I get back to my marketing letters. Jim comes back and promptly answers his phone. Luckily he realizes immediately and laughs. He then ends up with half a banana in his lap and officially declares war on Rob. Monday morning could be interesting I think....

Long liquid lunches and pay day!

Hooray we get paid today! I can't stop smiling more through relief than anything else. I am not quite sure where my money has gone this month. Yes some went on shoes but only £50 and that seems reasonable.

I am not the only one in a good mood - the entire office feels a bit like summer holidays. Jim decides he will take us all out for a drink or two at lunch time. I smile happily as we all walk out. I feel included although I feel a little guilty about poor May who seems to have been stuck minding the phones. The sales guys just don't understand her - she is abrupt but she is also a really nice person.

Once we arrive at the pub Jim insists on buying a round so I decide on a large glass of white wine - hey it is summer and I am with my boss. The hour goes quickly but Jim seems unconcerned and he is my boss so I don't worry. Jim gets up and buys us all another round and I feel a little concerned. I never eat breakfast - I skipped lunch and I have just had two large glasses of wine.

I feel a little concerned and look at the guys - they all seem fine. Jamie looks rather amused. He links my arm as we walk back to the office and I stay out and steal a cigarette from him. Alcohol always makes me want to smoke although I really don't normally.

We walk in together as May is storming out. It is three and she has not been able to have lunch - she is clearly furious with all of us. I send her an email and say sorry as soon as I am back at my desk.

Gain a new boy!

Well finally the interviewing is over. Poor Andi says she feels like she has been interviewing forever. And some of the candidates are a list of what not to do in a job interview - their various interesting behaviour include turning up in jeans, staring at Andi's chest - being an hour late, asking where the nearest pub is etc

And I thought I was a bad interviewee. Well I am - I get really nervous and talk insanely fast and my voice gets really high. I think it has been described as chipmunk on acid by so called friends in the past.

Thanks guys

Anyway I digress - we have a new team member woo! His name is Joe (we like names beginning with J here.) He is tall well built, black hair and huge brown eyes.  He seems polite and sweet and will be a nice addition to the sales guys who under Robs dubious influence are becoming more and more suggestive. While I don't object to this it is only early days and I am still trying to look sweet and innocent. This may be working a little too well though as Jim constantly apologizes for swearing around me - clearly he has never seen me on a night out - I have a complete potty mouth.

Job interviews .... in front of a whole office... relaxing

Did I mention we work in a pretty small office? The main room where the unwashed masses - that means everyone except Jay and Chip - are pretty packed - we have ten of us squashed in which is partially why Kay and Andi love their day working from home - a rare chance to breathe.

However right now not only are we all packed in together we are also interviewing poor unsuspecting young grads to join us. Andi needs a replacement for Kay.

Kay has been promoted and will now be the Production Manager.  Over lunch Kay tells me she has been wanting to get more responsibility in publishing for over a year and although this job seems like it will be hard work she is excited. She hopes she will learn a lot her only concern is they have not agreed to pay her any more money until three months later. She seems to trust it will be sorted and back dated. I trust her - she has been in this company a year - if anyone would know she will.  I smile and say I hope it all works out for her, I  know myself how boring admin can be.

The interviews take place while we are all  trying to work. I feel so sorry for the interviewees - it is hard enough without having an audience. Andi tries to be nice in the interview but it is awful - in front of a room of people. One interviewee looks so nervous and one poor girl whispers the whole way though.

Some are memorable for all the wrong reasons though. the guy who asks if they frown upon drinking at work - dude learn to hide it! Or the girl who asks how many days sick pay they receive (Find it out after you have been offered the job) Or the girl who when asked why she left her last job replies that her "boss was a complete bitch".  And I thought I was bad at interviews (I did one time inadvertently set off a fire alarm but in my defense I am sure they said first door on the left)

I discover the local pub - yay!

I decide it will be good fun to join the others for a quick drink after work. I have been pretty antisocial since I joined as I tend to do stupid things when I drink. But as we wander over to the pub I feel upbeat. I will stay for one or two I think to myself. Self control that's what it is all about.

Andi is only staying for one or two  so this should be easy we will leave together. And it is nice we all talk about the company - Jamie tells us a bit more about Dave. I was curious why he left on such a bad note.

" The problem is Jay takes resignation as a personal insult." Jamie explains, "He makes anyone who is leaving feel like crap and then if he can tries to rip them off - he was trying to deduct commission from Jay." I smile nervously this doesn't seem good.

Several drinks later and I am learning more about my co-workers than I would have imagined. For example after leaving a work do last week Jamie got so drunk he ended up pawning his watch to buy drugs. And had to walk a mile to get home. I end up confiding about my last job when during my first week I ran out of money for food.

Forced to survive on dry pasta for a week as my only meal I was delighted to be invited to a dinner all expenses paid. Unfortunately the food was late arriving and I managed to drink two large glasses of wine - on a virtually empty stomach. And then pass out on the table. Not one of my best impressions I admit.