Drunk at work, bad influences and meetings

So I decide to solve my co-worker crush by going to the pub with Rob, Ethan Jamie and Andi.
Very mature I know.

Rob laughs and says he wants to see if I do better with presentations when drunk. Must not drink too much I think as he brings me a Gin and Tonic. This is at midday my meeting is at 3pm. It will be fine.

Gin and Tonic number 1

Rob is probably right a drink will help the nerves when meeting the shareholder of our company I think. And Rob is being very sweet and keeps offering to get more drinks

Gin and Tonic number 2

Oh did I mention Ted is on holiday so there is no pressure to get back to work…

We begin chatting about various topics that I am going to suggest you keep out of your own office including:

• If Ted realises that we all steal his biros every time he gets a new one.
• If you cut off and ate your own arm (not taking bleeding into consideration whether you would weigh the same or less) I suggest less due to calories burned eating it.
• If you would rather lose a leg or never be able to have sex again
• If you would consider incest if your sister looked like Angelina Jolie.

Gin and Tonic number 3

I haven’t eaten today and I have had three G&T’s and feel very bad...

Ethan suddenly says “We’ve been over two hours we better get back to the office.”

There are groans all around and I try to stand up and realise the floor is moving. It seems very funny.

Ethan looks at me in horror – “How much have you had?”

“I’m not sure.” I say smiling, “Rob brought me drink to drink.” I laugh and fall over. Ethan rolls his eyes and says “He’s been giving you doubles you idiot”

Oops.

I end up being carried by Ethan back to the office. We meet May there who takes one look at me and starts yelling at Rob. I try to tell her not to be cross but can’t stop laughing.

The next half hour consists of Andi and May feeding me toast and coffee continually and by the time our shareholder arrives I can at least walk. Not sure I made a good impression...

Things I learnt today:

• Never let Rob buy you a drink
• Ethan is surprisingly strong
• May is wonderful in a crisis
• Instant coffee tastes like crap
• Men will commit incest if their sister is hot enough

Silly games, flirting, jealousy in a far too small office

I must stop having a crush on my co-worker especially now he has a girlfriend it is becoming embarrassing.
Today Jamie and I have been scoring points (no not the fun kind.) Every sentence he says starts with "My girlfriend" In retaliation I have responded with constant mentions of "My date."

Rob eventually gets annoyed and starts pelting the pair of us with crumpled paper balls. I decide to join him for a cigarette despite the fact I don’t smoke.

"So what’s going on with you and Jamie?" He asks
"Nothing" I say "he has a girlfriend remember."
Rob laughs "Yeah but that’s just another notch on the wall for him."
"Yeah exactly." This is the problem with being one of the boys. You learn stuff about them that you probably shouldn't.

Rob gives me a hug and says.
"You know I'm still single...."
"Yes and just last week you told me you were looking to shag your way through a rugby team by the end of the year." I say.
He laughs "I could try not to."
"While that is tempting I think I’ll pass. Besides I have to work for this stupid presentation I’m giving this afternoon remember?"
Rob smiles - "Dutch courage that’s what you need."

I get the feeling this is a really bad idea. Must not drunk too much and make idiot of self in front of shareholders. Must not be so nervous I can't speak in front of shareholders, must not fall over in front of shareholders.

As we walk back into the office Jamie loudly mentions his girlfriend.

I email Rob saying a drink sounds like a great idea.

Alcoholic interviews part one - One vodka and tonic later

Well to kick things off with a flying start Ted invited both candidates along at the same time. I knew he couldn't get it right for very long.

“Er you didn’t want to keep them separate?” I ask. Rob raises his eyebrows at this.
“No.” Says Ted, “I thought it would save time and money to do it all in one go.”
“But don’t you think they might feel a bit awkward knowing they are both competing for the same job?” Rob asks tactfully.
Ted frowns and the looks up brightening. “We could sell it like X factor, competing for one spot.”

What planet does this man live on?
Rob and I exchange dubious looks.
“Ted this is a junior sales position not a record contract.” I point out gently

Ted looks confused. “And?”
“God were you out for pizza when tact was handed out?” I say.

I know he is my boss and I should not lose my temper but.... the man is an idiot. I roll my eyes and turn to Rob who is laughing
Rob nudges me and says “Er Kate you were probably out when they were giving us tact too.”
“Yeah but at least I stuck around for brains rather than asking for excess nasal hair.” I retort.

Note to self - before making mean remarks about your boss - check said boss is not standing right behind you. Luckily I am saved by one of our interviewees arriving. A rather scared looking young guy who seems shyer than I would expect a sales guy to be. Seconds later the other candidate turns up, a girl who seems quite fun and outgoing but laughs like Janice from friends.

Who do you think we should vote?

Office punches - well almost

Ted strikes again!

On a slightly hungover Monday morning I try to sneak in inconspicuously. (Fifteen minutes late isn’t that bad right?) As I arrive I hear raised voices. I poke my head around the corner and see Jim storming out.

"Okay... what's going on?" I ask.

Andi tells me. Apparently Jay and Ted arrived this morning and mentioned that they felt the office was too relaxed on things such as lunch breaks, timekeeping (I blush) alcohol consumption, (I blush again) and the general attitude.

So this morning Ted proudly presented a white board entitled:

Office Conduct - rules of a happy hardworking office.

• Lunch hour is one hour only no exceptions.
  
• Employees must not return to the building smelling of alcohol.
  
• If employees have a drink at lunchtime it should be a glass of wine with a meal not more.
  
• Employees should aim to arrive at 8:45am. I ask whether they will aim to pay us for those extra fifteen minutes but no one seems to know.
  
• The phone is for strictly work calls only.
  
• No immature practical jokes in the office.
  
• Staff should not form personal relationships with each other.
  
• Staff must make sure they are smartly dressed at all times
  
• The phone MUST be answered by the second ring
  

I look at the sign for a moment. Have I accidently gone back to school without realising it? Yes we do take long lunches when we have smashed all our figures for the week - last week we went 30K over budget - surely thats a good thing? And none of us ever leave until at least 6pm when we are only paid to stay until 5:00pm Jamie’s response to this is to suggest we all go to the pub at midday to spend a few hours discussing. I agree but before we go I quickly add a note to the list.

• All employees must raise their hands and ask before going to the toilet. We will tolerate no exceptions.

I'm not going to help his opinion of me as disrespectful am I?

I don't think my boss likes me....

Oh Ted..... the poor man doesn't help himself does he.

Well Ted has settled in further by having a blazing row with Jim in the middle of the office. Apparently Jay has decided Ted is his number two. Jay does not help matters by referring to Ted in front of us as his eyes and ears.

Oh Jay way to inspire trust. What you think we all have two hour lunches every Friday and spend the afternoon pissed regularly? Er actually bad point forget that one....

So we all have our meetings with Ted and some of us duly bring along CV's (all the people who have not passed probation yet so me, Rob, Jack, Evan and Joe) the others (Andi, May, Jamie) pointedly refuse.

In my meeting Ted takes me to a wine bar. I feel a little nervous and opt for a saintly sparkling water. Ted asks me about my previous marketing experience. I blush and try to exaggerate my suitability for my job.

"So you haven't got any marketing qualifications or direct experience as such" Ted observes. I blush further and mention all the related campaigns I assisted on. Luckily for me Ted seems easily distracted by his old company. I flatter him asking about the Directors phew! I try not to think "band camp" I must make a good impression.

After my rather uncomfortable hour is finished in which he asks me if I am planning to have children any time time and I make the rather inappropriate response of "Why are you offering to assist?"

I don't think he likes me...

Gain a new boy!

Well finally the interviewing is over. Poor Andi says she feels like she has been interviewing forever. And some of the candidates are a list of what not to do in a job interview - their various interesting behaviour include turning up in jeans, staring at Andi's chest - being an hour late, asking where the nearest pub is etc

And I thought I was a bad interviewee. Well I am - I get really nervous and talk insanely fast and my voice gets really high. I think it has been described as chipmunk on acid by so called friends in the past.

Thanks guys

Anyway I digress - we have a new team member woo! His name is Joe (we like names beginning with J here.) He is tall well built, black hair and huge brown eyes.  He seems polite and sweet and will be a nice addition to the sales guys who under Robs dubious influence are becoming more and more suggestive. While I don't object to this it is only early days and I am still trying to look sweet and innocent. This may be working a little too well though as Jim constantly apologizes for swearing around me - clearly he has never seen me on a night out - I have a complete potty mouth.

Day One: The new Girl

Good things:

I found the office and they even let me in- score!

Bad things:

Pretty much everything else – I feel like I have wandered into failblog. So far epic fail.

I am a little disconcerted when I arrive. There is only one other person there - a designer with interesting facial growth and a dubious odour - still I begin smiling widely.

He looks a little concerned - Oh dear perhaps my smile is actually crazed I try desperately to look nice and normal. To my horror he physically takes a step away from me looking horrified.

Nice one Kate scare off the office nerd.

"You must be the new person." He mutters unenthusiastically, "We haven't set your computer up yet". He then turns away and logs on to his PC ignoring me.
I bite my lip and glance around. They do know I’m coming don’t they?

The Designer (also known as Stee) is now watching porn and ignoring me.

I try to read a few of the magazines. Hmmmm legal crap and some financial rubbish wow this is fascinating.

I wonder if I should cut my losses and run the hell out of this place. Surely there will be better jobs… but I so wanted to do well. I bit my lip again -I am actualy bleeding now! Good start Kate!