Alcoholic interviews part one - One vodka and tonic later

Well to kick things off with a flying start Ted invited both candidates along at the same time. I knew he couldn't get it right for very long.

“Er you didn’t want to keep them separate?” I ask. Rob raises his eyebrows at this.
“No.” Says Ted, “I thought it would save time and money to do it all in one go.”
“But don’t you think they might feel a bit awkward knowing they are both competing for the same job?” Rob asks tactfully.
Ted frowns and the looks up brightening. “We could sell it like X factor, competing for one spot.”

What planet does this man live on?
Rob and I exchange dubious looks.
“Ted this is a junior sales position not a record contract.” I point out gently

Ted looks confused. “And?”
“God were you out for pizza when tact was handed out?” I say.

I know he is my boss and I should not lose my temper but.... the man is an idiot. I roll my eyes and turn to Rob who is laughing
Rob nudges me and says “Er Kate you were probably out when they were giving us tact too.”
“Yeah but at least I stuck around for brains rather than asking for excess nasal hair.” I retort.

Note to self - before making mean remarks about your boss - check said boss is not standing right behind you. Luckily I am saved by one of our interviewees arriving. A rather scared looking young guy who seems shyer than I would expect a sales guy to be. Seconds later the other candidate turns up, a girl who seems quite fun and outgoing but laughs like Janice from friends.

Who do you think we should vote?

Man trouble and blind drunk interview techniques

Today has not been good. I should have stayed in bed.

Things that make a bad Tuesday:

• Running out of tea bags without caffeine I am neither pleasant nor useful)
  
• Falling over when getting off the bus
  
• Ripping stockings in said fall and having to spend £7 on new ones
  
• The fact that I made myself bleed in the fall
  
• The lack of sympathy from my workmates
  
• Ted looking at me and saying "You look TERRIBLE Kate."
  
• Jamie's new girlfriend

I know I shouldn't be jealous. We are just friends. Who flirt and text occasionally thats it. But he is being so annoying. If I hear one more word about his hot date tonight I might accidently spill tea on him.

I decide that revenge flirting is promptly needed. I consider calling Chris the sweet journalist. Then I remember my last attempt at flirting with him nearly lead to a restraining order.

I sigh - maybe this is a good thing I can stop having mixed feelings for a colleague and yet knowing I should not act on it. It will be a good thing. This is a good day. Then just when I perk up one the elastic in one of my stockings promptly snaps. Making a noise. While I am wearing a short skirt.

Yes having hosiery fall off your leg must be as bad as it gets...

"Katie?" Ted calls "Did I tell you that you need to give a presentation in the meeting on Friday?"

Kill me now...

Miracles can happen - Ted does something good!

I mentioned a few entries back that Jack was on probation. Well Jack has now found another job paying him 5k more and is buggering off at the end of the week. Nice one Jack!

In light of this Ted has been panicking about being a salesman down and is finally doing some serious interviewing. Between this and our planned office move happening next Friday work has been well and truly relegated

Ted has been interview various people to replace Jack and hearing his opinions is hilarious. The first "Young chap" he interviewed was "Very green, not at all what we need in a fast paced company."
"But I thought he was interviewing to work here." I respond
"Do you have listed on your CV under special skills being a complete smart arse Kate?" He says but with a grin.
"Better smart than dumb" I say.
Ted laughs. "I think I'm calling that one a draw Kate." He says.
"Spoken like a true loser." I tell him. I know I am pushing it but he is in a jolly mood as he has found two potentials so I think I can get away with what he calls "The banter"
I won't correct him and call it "the truth.

Ted has asked Jamie to come and help on the interview process but Jamie is a bit worried about losing all his sales. With Jack on the way out he still needs to hit his targets if he is going to buy us all a drink (He lost a bet with Rob)

Ted suggest that perhaps a good way of seeing if the potential candidate fits in is taking him and us to the pub after work one night. And buying all our drinks until 8pm

The man is a genius! First office/pub interview is tomorrow evening.

Here you are - sit next to me

So we are back to work - or at least some form of work. Sales calls are made, marketing letters are created, printers are kicked.

Everything with Jamie and Rob is back to normal or at least as normal as the pair of them ever get. They are closer than ever but they have started lots of new competitions. So far we have had the sensible who can get the most sales in that afternoon - an activity that Ted approves of greatly to who can fit the most scotch eggs in their mouth. That was pretty grim. There is talk of who can drink the most later on the week. That could be interesting especially as it is Ethans birthday tomorrow.

Ted meanwhile has spent the last few days making various new seating charts for downstairs with changes and amendments along the way. And absolutely nothing else.

"I've finally got a good seating plan." He tells me proudly. "What do you think."
"Very nice." I say unconvincingly while looking down at my work. I am totally swamped today and really don't have time for Ted.
Ted looks at me and says, "Come now Kate I want you to be 100% honest so I know everyone is happy."
I sigh, "You know it is never a good idea to ask me to be 100% honest Ted."
He looks irritated and snaps, "Just tell me what you think."
"Fine." I say. "I think this seriously took two days of work. It's a damn seating plan!"
I see his ears go a little red and him take a breathe.
"So you don't care where you sit then?"
"Not especially." I respond carelessly.
"Thats good." He says with an evil grin, "Because you and I are sharing a desk."

I can't believe it. Ted got me!

When I get nervous I get even clumsier - run for your life!

Today reason not to flirt with workmates.

The morning after sending suggestive text messages you feel stupid. I have not managed to look Jamie in the eyes once today even when he made me a cup of tea. And I wasn't the one initiating things. And to make matters worse he seems to find my embarrassment really funny.

Feeling uncomfortable in the office makes me do stupid things. Case – I have fallen over twice today – once rather spectacularly down a flight of stairs landing in an undignified heap at Jay’s feet. Jay laughed at me. Lots. Bastard.

Blushing – if like me you are prone to going pink you will spend the entire day looking like a tomato.

Being distracted. I seem to be on planet blonde today. Laddered one of my stockings and walked around the office with only one on for an hour before Evan told me. Rob and Jamie are both still sniggering in my direction.

Rumours – one thing I do not want it to get a reputation or be gossiped about. Still I have thought of a cunning way to deflect suspicion. There is a journalist who works on one of our magazines coming in today. If I flirt with him then no one will suspect anything is happening with Jamie.
Which it isn't. It's a genuis plan.

Right drinking more caffine will put me at ease.

What could possibly go wrong?

We take pity

I am having trouble typing this but I actually feel a bit sorry for Ted.

After his list of rules the mood in the office which since my little addition now has the following additions:

• Employees must bow when entering the room
  
• Smiling will not be tolerated
  
• Anyone found with chocolates will have to write fifty lines
  
• A school uniform must be worn at all times
  
• An office rabbit will be introduced

I am sure the last one was Rob. I hate him

I think it is safe to say the rules won't be enforced and Ted is looking glum despite his incredibly irritating tendencies I feel sorry for him. I think deep down there might be a nice person struggling to get out.

I chat to Jamie to see what he thinks. I tell him I feel bad for Ted and he openly laughs at me,
"Katie you would feel bad for a mass murderer if you saw them looking upset."
"But I feel bad for him." I protest. "Please? Please?"

Jamie rolls his eyes at me but smiles and even manages to get Rob on board. They decide to take Ted to the pub that evening and have a chat – just to try and help him fit in. I think this is a good idea and demand a full update in the morning. Jamie texts me at seven and says "we're still there - Ted is ok when you get him away from Jay"
I text back:
"See I was right! Ha! Remember Ted is still the boss don't not drink too much x"

He responds a few hours later with:
“Ted and beer and rob and me drinming. More fun with you there too xxx”

I feel partially flattered and partially worried. I hope he isn’t saying anything incriminating. My phone rings again at ten to midnight and I hastily cancel the call. I get a text saying “thinking of you Katie xxx”

Must not flirt with workmates. Must not!

I don't reply. Oh God tomorrow could be interesting...

New boss and how not to fire someone

Introducing Ted.

He is in his forties and gives the impression of being pompous. Within five minutes we have already nicknamed him Mr Motivator by his ability to sap any energy and enthusiasm out of the room.

So the big question - what the hell has been going on while I have been away? Well first I appear to have left my desk unattended and lost it. I am now moved into accounts where Jane used to sit.

Jane has disappeared too. I grab Jamie in the corridor. "I'll tell you at lunch time." He promises, "The new world pub."

I begin to pick up my rather pathetic personal effects. A few note pads, a rubber banan that Jamie gave me and a pink fluffy pen.No more being silly with the boys then.

I meet Jane's replacement, a rather wary looking woman called Laura. Laura smiles at me rather nervously and says she is glad someone else will be joining her here. She has been here two days and feels like she has been cold shouldered already because of Jane.

I ask her what happened and with a quick glance around to make sure no one is listening she tells me.

Jane arrived in as normal last Wednesday and Laura was already there having been asked to come in by another agency. Laura had been told to go and sit in Jane's old desk which she did but then Jane arrived and was confused. Jay then called them both and Ted into his office and said "While it's bene lovely having you here Jane we've decided we need a little more experience so Laura will be taking over after today and you'll be training her."

Laura tells me how Jane looked close to tears and decided to leave early.

I fume - yes Jane was a temp but what a disgusting way to treat someone. The MD of our company could be called tactless idiot. Or as I am going to say a complete wanker.

Monday and a wardrobe malfunction.

My choice of top today bad idea. It seemed okay this morning but as the afternoon has progressed I am feeling more and more self conscious. It is just a shirt but it actually cuts pretty low. This was a bad choice of outfit for the meeting with the big boss i.e. Jay.

Also for some weird reason after visiting the pub with the boys at lunch my top seems to be slipping lower and lower. This is not going to be one of my better days.

Note to self check for visible underwear before leaving the house. Very important
Plus if there is danger of visible underwear perhaps do not wear a bright red bra. Idiot idiot idiot idiot.

All I need. Jay has this nasty smirk whenever he speaks to any female anyway. Icky and creepy all in one pile of tall skinny overly gelled back pacakge. Score Jay.

Still it could be worse. Andi makes me feel better by telling me about the time she split her trousers in front of everyone. I try not to laugh and fail miserably. I love Andi. Besides I have no reason to feel down - this is my last day for a week. It is my birthday next week and I am celebrating by going to Paris. Jamie asks me to send him a French letter. I giggle and try to act demure. Must stop this shameless flirting.

Blogger note:

In case anyone was wondering as my last few posts seem to be breast obsessed it is not that kind of blog by the way although very amused at the people who finding me through google spiders saying topless office. I bet you were disappointed. And guys just to burst your bubble a little more I am a 30A. Are we all crying now?

Secret life of the office

So my secret office life - or perhaps more appropriately all the things I really got up to that should probably have got me fired.

Hi - my name is Kate and I am working in publishing. I do try and behave myself but tend to find not unlike Britney "oops I did it again" is a rather over-used phrase of mine. This blog is detail a few years of my life where I broke pretty much every office rule. And you know what - I had a damn good time doing it. And I wasn't the only one getting up to no good. So time to expose this little publishing company and everyone who worked there. Names are changed so no one tries to sue me but everything else is true.

Oh and boys and girls.... don't try this at home....

Bad things I have done already and the job starts tomorrow:

1) lied on my CV - my last job was not marketing assistant - in fact it was not even admin assistant

2) Pretended to know more than I do in the interview

3) Exaggerated my pay - hey it worked I used to earn 19K and they are going to pay me 22.5K fools!

So rules for success in the new job
Step 1 - Choose perfect outfit - need to look professional and yet approachable. Nice but not slutty. Professional and not boring. Cheap but not obviously - hey my salary for this role is 22,500 - Next is barely in my price range.

Step 2 - Be on time. Be on time Be on time. I will achieve this by A setting three alarms with varying levels of annoyingness. A sign next to be bed saying "Get up you lazy cow or you will be fired" will also assist.

Step 3 - Do not talk utter crap - listen and nod - everyone always thinks quiet people are hard working and serious

Step 4 - Do not sleep with any of your work mates.

This new company has about 20 employees when I join. I believe I will be the third woman to join. Must be one of the guys but not isolate the women.

I can do this!