I need to learn to be nice or at least civil to my boss....

So poor old Jack. Not for struggling with the job but for being on the receiving end of an email like that.

I feel I might not have helped matters. Ted asks me if I had seen the email
"Yes." I say. "Wow I hope if I fall out of favour by that time we can afford to broadcast it on TV or at the very least webcam."
Ted glares at me. "That wasn't the case and you know it Kate."
I smile at him, "Do you think I could borrow a pen?" I ask, "I was going to give you my parents and grandparents emails so you can CC them if you decide to fire me. If only Jack had thought of that."

Oh crap his ears are going red - never a good sign
“Not fired but helped to find a more suitable career.” Ted retorts, “Anyway don’t you think things in a small office should be transparent without secrecy?”

“Maybe.” I respond, “So as we are being open what’s your salary and bonus?”

Okay may have crossed a line the ears actually turning purple now - shut up Kate shut up.

Ted storms off and I try to remind myself that thinking before opening my mouth is a good idea. Actually this shouldn’t just apply to work...

Jamie and Rob both burst out laughing as soon as Ted leaves the office and Rob gives me an appraising look. “You’re never going to be a yes man are you Katie?”

Perhaps not but when I do say something nice they know I mean it. Surely that counts for something. And I am a terrible liar so why bother....

Ted returns noticably calmer and gives me a slightly amused smile. Phew in the spirit of being a good employee I make him a cup of tea. Cups of tea solve everything right?

Must be nice today must be nice...

Hiring and firing - and how not to.

Oh dear. Staff changes are coming...

Despite my many examples of making a tit of myself I am in the clear. I just created a new marketing promotion that brought in an extra 20K worth of subscriptions. They aren’t firing me any time soon. In fact I am Jay’s new favourite girl.

Unfortunately being Jay's favourite is not fun. He keeps leering at me what I can only imagine he thinks is projecting encouragement. To me is looks more like constipation. He has called me a "very good girl" several times today at one point came close to patting me on the head. Seriously….

I may have let out a small growl to discourage this which caused Rob to break out in a suspicious bout of coughing. Rob has now taken to winking at me whenever Jay walks in miming good girl. Still my fake laugh coughing seems to be keeping Jay away.

The person in the firing line is Jack - American sales guy who talks in permanent monotone. I feel bad for him. Jim is leaving this week and poor Jack never got any training. Jamie tried to help a bit but he is pretty busy so Jack has ended up left with a poor sales record.

So how did I find this out? Surely someone being on employment probation should be private? Not according to the gospel of Ted.

Ted apparently thinks the best way to encourage him would be to send the following email:

Dear All,

As you may be aware Jack joined us recently. However, I am sorry to say he has not passed his probation period. We have extended this another month but I do not feel sales is the career for him. If after the additional month nothing changes we will be recruiting for a replacement. Jack will be welcome to stay on in an administrative role until he finds a new job.

Regards

Ted

Head of Tact and Discretion

Oh Ted just when you were doing so well. On the plus side at least he couldn't find a megaphone. The man is clueless.

Watch out for the quiet ones

Well after last weeks series of embarrassments things can only get better.

I am going to start this Monday as the new Kate. The professional Kate the one that never embarrasses herself or says stupid things.

I decide to go with Laura for lunch - Laura seems sensible so it should be safe. Wow was I wrong let this be a lesson quiet does not equal sane.

Laura it turns out is crazy . She decided rather than lunch we should drink a bottle of wine. In my defence I did protest (a little) thinking no good could come of it. I was right. I hate being right.

After the bottle of wine on an empty stomach feeling queasy I managed to lean against a wall and get a black stain on my bum. Classy.

Then after making myself coffee to sober up I spilt half of it down my top. Ouch! Not only is my pretty pink top stained but it hurt like hell and splashing cold water didn't really help.

So spent the afternoon looking like I had an accident on my way to enter a wet T shirt competition.

Andi gives me a hug which makes me feel a bit better though. She still loves me.

I decided to put my headphones on and listen to happy music. I couldn't cause trouble that way... you would think.

I listened to Scissor Sisters and actually got some work done creating marketing campaigns when a sudden tap on the shoulder made me jump. I looked up to see Rob grinning at me.

“What?” I say grumpily.

“You do know you have been singing filthy gorgeous out loud for the last five minutes?”

I’m going to buy shoes.

Anyway I’m a good singer... they are just jealous...

Thank God this week is over!

This has felt like a long and hard week but it is finally Friday – yay!

Not only was I too embarrassed to look one of my workmates in the eye after blatant flirting I decided to ward off any potential gossip was to flirt outrageously with one of the journalists. Smart move.

His name is Chris and well is he hot, single and famous?
Unfortunately not. He is a year older than me but looks twelve. Skinnier than me and painfully shy. He blushes even more than I do.

Perhaps I should have found someone more suitable.

Well my flirting attempts are such a success that Chris seems terrified to be around me, when he left the office and I said goodbye he backed away from me and I detected shaking.

Should I start Kate’s guide to repelling men? Apparently I’m a natural.
To make matters worse I am sure Rob and Jamie guessed exactly what I was up to and were not fooled. There was a certain amount of sniggering from their end of the office.

This afternoon once Chris has escaped I am feeling more relaxed. Even Ted seems cheerful and we all start chatting about plans for the weekend. Rob has been boasting non stop about his weekend plans with the latest conquest.
"The words too much information, mean nothing to you do they?” I comment.
Rob laughs and responds, "Too much information nothing. I'm all about the women, talk to them, take them out, treat them right."
I smile.
"Wow Rob that's great - maybe one day you'll be ready for a real girl rather than an inflatable."
He gives me a look, "Jealous Katie?"
"Oh sorry Rob." I say seriously, "But I like men..."

I am rewarded with a laugh from Ted and Jamie but I think Rob is plotting revenge. Note to self do not let him make me a drink.

Edit - apologies to earlier readers I accidently hit publish without having done my spellcheck. Oops!

When I get nervous I get even clumsier - run for your life!

Today reason not to flirt with workmates.

The morning after sending suggestive text messages you feel stupid. I have not managed to look Jamie in the eyes once today even when he made me a cup of tea. And I wasn't the one initiating things. And to make matters worse he seems to find my embarrassment really funny.

Feeling uncomfortable in the office makes me do stupid things. Case – I have fallen over twice today – once rather spectacularly down a flight of stairs landing in an undignified heap at Jay’s feet. Jay laughed at me. Lots. Bastard.

Blushing – if like me you are prone to going pink you will spend the entire day looking like a tomato.

Being distracted. I seem to be on planet blonde today. Laddered one of my stockings and walked around the office with only one on for an hour before Evan told me. Rob and Jamie are both still sniggering in my direction.

Rumours – one thing I do not want it to get a reputation or be gossiped about. Still I have thought of a cunning way to deflect suspicion. There is a journalist who works on one of our magazines coming in today. If I flirt with him then no one will suspect anything is happening with Jamie.
Which it isn't. It's a genuis plan.

Right drinking more caffine will put me at ease.

What could possibly go wrong?

We take pity

I am having trouble typing this but I actually feel a bit sorry for Ted.

After his list of rules the mood in the office which since my little addition now has the following additions:

• Employees must bow when entering the room
  
• Smiling will not be tolerated
  
• Anyone found with chocolates will have to write fifty lines
  
• A school uniform must be worn at all times
  
• An office rabbit will be introduced

I am sure the last one was Rob. I hate him

I think it is safe to say the rules won't be enforced and Ted is looking glum despite his incredibly irritating tendencies I feel sorry for him. I think deep down there might be a nice person struggling to get out.

I chat to Jamie to see what he thinks. I tell him I feel bad for Ted and he openly laughs at me,
"Katie you would feel bad for a mass murderer if you saw them looking upset."
"But I feel bad for him." I protest. "Please? Please?"

Jamie rolls his eyes at me but smiles and even manages to get Rob on board. They decide to take Ted to the pub that evening and have a chat – just to try and help him fit in. I think this is a good idea and demand a full update in the morning. Jamie texts me at seven and says "we're still there - Ted is ok when you get him away from Jay"
I text back:
"See I was right! Ha! Remember Ted is still the boss don't not drink too much x"

He responds a few hours later with:
“Ted and beer and rob and me drinming. More fun with you there too xxx”

I feel partially flattered and partially worried. I hope he isn’t saying anything incriminating. My phone rings again at ten to midnight and I hastily cancel the call. I get a text saying “thinking of you Katie xxx”

Must not flirt with workmates. Must not!

I don't reply. Oh God tomorrow could be interesting...

Prank phone calls and doughnuts - all in a days work

We have a magazine going to print in three days and zero sales. Ted is out of the office all day and clearly the sales guys are all working hard making calls.... yeah right.

In fact team are trying to get the word "lubricating" into a call with bonus points if they can actually close the sale. There are doughnuts to be won for the winner

Ethan gets the next call. He is polite and professional but at the end of the call apologies if there was a rustling noise explaining, “In this weather my lips get chapped unless they have constant lubricating.” Jamie and I instantly exchange looks –and I blush. Obviously we both have dirty minds – note to self flirting with workmates is a bad idea.

Rob decides to take the next one. We listen to his outrageous flirting with the buyer and he says it has been an illubricating experience. We all groan. Minus points for outrageous flirting and not using the word properly.

Jim calls one of our biggest clients a well known bank. He gets through to the reception and tells the poor girl (on speaker) that he is in a van with a delivery of five hundred doughnuts and is she authorized to take them. She sounds confused.

“Are you the man in the blue van?” she asks,

“Yes!” Jim asserts much to our amusement “And I need to deliver these five hundred doughnuts into your office.” He coughs to cover his laughing.

“Well I might have to check with my boss” The poor receptionist says sounding flustered, “But your van has just driven off hasn’t it?” She now sounds thoroughly confused.

“Oh has it.” Says Jim, “I must have gone then – goodbye.”

I think Jim won the doughnuts.