Tuesday, 16 March 2010

Publishing ceremonies, mad CEO and having to work sucks

The last few days seem to have been manic - don't faint but we have all had to work - shock horror.

Early in April there is a big award ceremony for a certain area in publishing and we are hosting this. As far as publishing awards go there are two types - fun ones where you meet interesting people and corporate ones. Ours is corporate the whole point of it is to make lots of money and is so boring it's a struggle doze off - on the plus side we get given a five star meal at a very posh hotel in London and endless champagne. However in the build up we are all feeling overworked and underpaid.

Jay has been wondering around in a kind of management stupor because finally he has something that even he can't manage to screw up - food tasting.

Ted is barking orders at us all and becoming quite alarmingly red in the face. Ethan who is the mature and sensible one actually stormed out the office yesterday after Ted told him to "Buck up your ideas young man." when he tried to leave on time for his wife's birthday. Tensions are running high in general and Jamie and I are rather pointedly not speaking to each other to Fishy's obvious joy.

"Are you two looking forward to interviewing later" He smirks
Jamie grunts and I scowl at him.
"Now now now now now thats not the attitude I want from my happy little TEAM." Pipes Ted, "I want enthusiasm - you two need to say today I WILL find the perfect candidate."
Simon coughs clearly trying not to laugh, Ethan rolls his eyes and Jamie continues to glare. I shrug disinterestedly.
"Maybe they should form a power circle." Fishy suggest an evil glint in his eye, "Ted was saying in the past he has used holding hands in a circle to motivate."
"Quite right." Ted interrupts looking delighted - people listening to anything he says is pretty rare.
"Good plan Fishy - TEAM on your feet. We need to up the energy in this room TEAM!" I groan.

"I think they need to get more involved." A clearly amused Fishy says,
"Good plan.," Says Ted, "Right Everyone hold hands and say-"
"I'm not holding hands with him." I say pointing at Fishy, "I don't know where he's been."
"I wouldn't want to hold hands with you for the same reason.," He retorts "Oh actually I know where you've been"
"Isn't this waste of time supposed to be about team building." Ethan says wearily.

"Yes so enough bickering children." Ted booms, "All take hands."
We all relutantly give in.
"Repeat with me - today I will be my best. I will support my colleagues and I will sell sell sell."
I consider making a sarcastic remark but decide I haven't the energy. I replace sell sell sell with market market market though just to annoy Ted a bit.

"Morning all what are we up to?" Comes a nasal and constipated voice. Great Jay has decided to venture to the commoners.
"Just motivating the happy worker bees." Ted says oblivious to the sea of scowls.
"Good good good. Well I need to volunteer to come to the Pretentious Hotel with me and help me with the food tasting. How about you Katie?"
"I have a press release to get out and then we are interviewing I am afraid." I say trying to sound sincere. Given the choice of spending time with Jay and having my teeth pulled out I am not sure which I'd prefer.
Jay looks surprised - clearly I have passed up a lifetime opportunity, "Well how about our young junior sales boy." he says nodding at Simon, "Learn from a master."
Simon blushes but nods and gathers his things up clearly uncomfortable.
"You can't expect this kind of treat every working day mind." Jay warns.
Simon gives a forced smile, "See you later."

After a few hours when Simon still has not returned I get a text from him saying, "He is making me hold plates while he tastes things and I had to blind fold him. I would rather be holding Ted's hand."

I laugh and message it to Ethan who smiles.

"Haven't you guys better be getting the interview room ready. Fishy says to me and Jamie "I am sure you will need to talk beforehand."
I reluctantly follow him into the meeting room where we sit in silence for a few minutes
"So are we going to talk at all."
"Okay" I say. "I don't think we should see each other any more."

Unfortunately at this point Fishy arrives saying "Your interviewee has arrived." And I have a nasty feeling he heard me.

Wednesday, 10 March 2010

Dollys drinking and soaking

Thanks to Ted's current reign of terror we decide to set the world straight by drinking too much. We being me Ethan, Jamie, Simon and Fishy. Jamie and I are back on again but we are still keeping it secret. And we quickly decide the best way of relieving stress is by drinking a lot. All the boys drink beet except Fishy who only ever drinks wine. It gets to eight and we decided on another round including Ethan. This is usual in that Ethan is usually the sensible one.

"So anyone got any ideas of how to destroy Ted? Decapitation is fine" Ethan says. Poor Ethan has been working closely with Ted on one of our new launches. We just signed a new very commercial client which should be great but Ted has decided to "help" Ethan with it. As a consequence Ethan has spent much of the day trying not to loose his cool.

"Right TEAM sales drinks?" Simon asks
We all shout agreement.
"I thought you weren't sales Kate?" Fishy says snidely.
I laugh, "If someone is buying drinks I am."
"Is someone going to help me carry theses?" Simon calls,
I go and help him and we decide to work on our best Ted impressions. It involves saying golly gosh a lot.

I give Fishy and Ethan their drinks and grab a seat next to Jamie. Simon comes and joins us with the remaining drinks.
"Here you go dolly" he says to me in the best Ted voice,
"Will you two just get a room already" Fishy says. I cringe slightly. Jamie and I are touching arms under the table and I can feel him tense up.

Simon and I both blush
"We were just doing Ted impressions." I say, "He keeps calling me dolly at the moment." (It's true and it is driving me mad)
"And you are really going to tell me you both don't fancy each other?" Fishy says.
I glance at Simon and I think it is safe to say we both resemble beetroots. Not a look I recommend incidentally
"Leave them alone Fishy." Ethan says,
"I think they should answer - if there is a little office romance brewing." Jamie says snidely.
"Seriously can we please get over this?" I ask
"You didn't answer the question." Jamie says glaring.

There is an awkward silence for a moment.

"So if Ted had Megan Fox's body would you go there?" Ethan asks.
I smile at him across the table and mouth "thank you"
"I'm going for a cigarette." Jamie says moodily.
"Wait up mate I'll join." says Simon running after him.

Ethan Fishy and I sit in awkward silence for a moment.
"Tenner says one of them throws a punch." Fishy smirks,
"Shut up!" I snap.
"You really enjoy having the men fighting over you." Fishy carries on, "Can't say I see it myself."
"Leave it." Ethan says.
"I like a woman with elegance and grace," he says, "Not some clumsy little bit-"
I stand up and empty his full glass of wine into his crotch.

"Damn if only I wasn't such a clumsy little bitch" I glare, "I'm going home."

I storm out and feel someone tap me on the shoulder.
"What?!" I shout expecting Fishy. It is Ethan - oops
"Sorry Ethan. I think my night has peaked." I say tearfully.
He gives me a hug,. "Ignore him, I'll to have a word - I'll sort it."

I get home to find three texts
Number 1 from Simon
Sorry Fishy was an arse tonight, don't get upset by him the rest of us love you. xx

Number 2 from Ethan
I spoke to him it'll be okay - chin up kid

Number 3 from Jamie
Do you like Simon more than me?

Why can't life be simple?

Wednesday, 3 March 2010

The boss needs to know everything, office fights

More and more interviews I swear I can’t even seem to hear the answers any more. Amazing the number of responses you get from an advert in the Guardian, some of them from the certifiably insane and some just desperate. Apparently the lure of publishing is such that people are queuing up to work with Ted and earn 18K a year.

Ted has also decided this week that he wants to get more involved in all of our day to day tasks.

“I want to know what you are all doing at all times!” He announced with the air of the management gone mad with power. Or maybe it is lack of sales, poor Ted hasn’t managed to sell anything in weeks.
“So Katie what is your day today going to consist of?” he asks.
I sigh, “Well seeing as yesterday Jay told me you have agreed a new book client I am going to spend most of the day working on a promotional plan. The rest of the day is wondering how the hell I am going to fit in this plan with only a month notice.”
“We don’t have defeatist talk here.” He responds. “I want an hourly status update kiddo." I glare. kiddo?

"Simon who are you calling today?" He carried on oblivious to my death glare.
“How about I just email you my sales leads?” Simon asks.
“No talk me through it. As a TEAM we all need to know what everyone is doing.”
Simon sighs and lists his clients.
“Is that all your calls today?” Ted demands his eyes possessed looking.
“I was also going to call my mother and wish her a happy birthday.” Simon admits, “But I thought you wouldn’t care about that.”

Ted goes around the room until Ethan finally tells him, “I could take you through my list of sales prospects or I could actually call them and make some money. Your call.”
Ethan losing his temper is rare and this shuts everyone up for a while

Ted leaves to make tea and we all exchange looks,
“What the hells gotten into him?” I ask.
“He thinks the atmosphere here is unprofessional.” Fishy replies smugly
“For God sake.” Ethan says
“I don’t blame him.” Fishy says, “You lot are mad”
“Funny how he asked you too considering you are so much better than us.” I retort.
“Cut it out you two.” Ethan says. “I have a meeting with him this afternoon I’ll have a word then. Kate, Jamie get someone hired. I think that will calm him down.”

“Can we go and talk about our next interviews?” Jamie asks.
I sigh and follow him into the meeting room.
“Are you not talking to me?” He asks
“No this is all psychic communication – spooky.” I say
He glares, “Mature really mature.”
“Well without meaning to sound even more immature you started it.” I say.
He laughs, “So what are the chances of kissing and making up?” he says.

Hmmm bad idea?