Friday, 29 January 2010

Spillages weird smells and impending doom

I like Fridays generally - but this morning they have demonstrated they do not like me. I decided to make cookies for Rob for his last day - partially as I thought it would be thoughtful and partially as I am totally broke and can't afford a decent present. Unfortunately when leaving my flat (late) I managed to spill and entire bottle of almond flavouring all over myself. As I am really trying to be on time I couldn't change and I smell like I am made of marzipan.

I hope that I can sneak in without anyone commenting.
Hmmm clearly I am not too bright on a Friday.
"Morning!" I call trying to look innocent and like someone who is not fifteen minutes late.
"I made biscuits" I announce, "For Rob."
Rob and Jamie come over and enthusiastically grab a handful. Ethan looks nervous. "You cooked them yourself Katie?"
"Yes." I say indignantly."I can cook."

Simon smirks, "Didn't you set fire to your kitchen recently?"
"It was just a pan." I say
He laughs, "So you managed without any fires this time."
"Yes." I say "And now you don't get to have a biscuit."
He laughs, "Sorry Kate they look great and I am sure you are a wonderful cook.Can I have one now"
He grabs one and then pretends to choke.
I am beginning to think I shouldn't share my culinary disasters - it may be preventing me from being taking seriously.

"What do they smell of?" Fishy asks suspiciously."
I glare at him - typical he would be the one to notice
I consider lying then decide to front it out "That's me actually." I say with dignity
Fishy gives me a weird look "So any reason why you smell like marzipan?"
"I happen to think Marzipan smells good." I say blushing slightly. Damn this blushing.
Ethan rolls his eyes at me. "You spilt the oil on yourself didn't you?"
"I hate you." I say
"He laughs, "Why didn't you just change?"
I blush
"Ted laughs, "please don;t tell me it was because you didn't want to be late?"
Everyone seems to find this very funny for some reason.

I decide to ignore them - I have more fun things to focus on Rob's leaving do tonight!
Ted has even said we can leave early so the drinking will begin from 4pm. This is good for two reasons first any time off work is always a good thing and second our evil scheme. Simon and I have decided it is payback time for Fishy. Basically the plan is to get him very drunk - steal his phone and delete incriminating videos and hope he makes a fool of himself. Sophisticated it is not but I have high hopes for something incriminating. As soon as he does something stupid I will post it!

Monday, 25 January 2010

Fights with Fishy, dates with Ted...

As I arrive enthusiastic and injured to work on a Monday I am greeted by Ted demanding to know what time it is.
"I need to load my computer first." I say, "Because I don't wear a watch."
Ted sighs, "It was sarcastic." He informs me. "It is half nine and you were meant to be in half hour ago."
"You missed my company? " I ask. "I'm touched."
He laughs, "Do you think we could buy you the ability to be on time on eBay?"
I make a face at him and sit down.

"Do you think we could buy Rob a gag while you are there?" Ethan asks.
Rob laughs, he is leaving in a few days and has been making us all jealous talking about his around the world trip repeatedly.
"Maybe we could buy one for all of you." Fishy glares.
I glare back at him, "Perhaps you could get some manners there, or a sense of humour."
"I suppose it depends what you find funny." Fishy says, "I find video's funny."
"Fishy give that a rest." Ethan says gently. "I think you've played that to death."

I decide to go and make tea to get away from the tension. Simon usually gives me a hand but this time Fishy does.
"Coffee for you right?" I say, he nods and watches me - which makes me uncomfortable.
"What?" I finally ask.
"Just wondering."
"Wondering what?" I say getting annoyed
"How you manage to wrap everyone in this office around your finger."
I stop pouring tea and look at him,"Are you serious?"
He laughs, "Well it doesn't look good you have three guys fighting over you, the boss lets you get away with murder and even Ethan acts all protective over you, that helpless act clearly works a charm."
I try and think of something to say but go blank.
"Any reason you are being such an asshole?" I ask
"Why worried about having one less guy to cry on his shoulder."
I blush (unfortunately I do this when angry as well as embarrassed) "Were you dropped on your head as a baby?"
"no I just don't trust you."
"Fine don't.." I say taking the tray filled with teas."Then make your own damn coffee" and pour his in the sink."

I storm off to the other end of the office thinking this day can;t get any worse when Ted calls out - Katie remember to put down our meeting on Wednesday in your diary - work evaluation.

Concussion sounds really good right now.

Wednesday, 20 January 2010

Things that go bump on your head

There is nothing quite liking waking up in the bed of your co-worker.... but no it was not anything dodgy. I wake up at Simons a little confused. My first thought is where am I quickly followed by Ouch which brings it back to me oh yeah. Oops.

Simon asks if I slept okay from the floor
"Yes fine thanks." I say feeling a little uncomfortable, "Er thanks for letting me stay and for giving me the bed."
He sits up, "Well i had to do something to get back in the good books."
"So me knocking myself out was part of your evil plan?" I smile
"Oh yes." He says seriously , "In fact i tripped you."
I laugh, "Now that I can't believe, you know I could trip over a speck of dust.
He looks serious, "You had me seriously worried.Don't do that again"
"Well it was in the diary to repeat Friday but okay.....OH no." I say, "I was sick on you!"
He laughs, "Well if it makes you feel better Jamie's been sick on me too and he had no excuse."

Hmmm I really wasn't wanting to add throw up on a workmate to my list of what not to do's

"So can I use your shower?" I ask, He shows me where it is and gives me a towel.I take clothes in with me to avoid any awkwardness.
After showering I change into my clothes. I hate wearing yesterdays clothes. I consider the advantages of wearing yesterdays knickers over going commando and then remember the time I accidently flashed my thong. Yesterdays knickers it is.

"By the way Kate," Simon asks once I am dressed, "What were you dreaming about? I am sure you were muttering about a world of rabbits." I blush.Whenever something upsets me I have the rabbit dream a recurring nightmare about rabbits invading the earth. However, in the interest of seeming vaguely sane I don't think I should share this with anyone especially a guy that oi have a slight attraction to. And who was a complete gentleman when i was ill.

Must not lust after workmate until healed and wearing clean knickers....

As we get into work everyone crowds around me and asks how I am. They all are suitably impressed by my bump. I am less happy about that and ask how they would like walking around with a big lump and with co-workers who weren't tactful enough to pretend they couldn't see it.
Rob laughs, "But it is so cool you have a alien head." I glare at him.
"When I am better my head will be normal." I say, "You on the other hand have a cone head."
He looks thrown for a second and begins to examine his own head seriously. Jamie and Ethan laugh.

"Are you sure you should be in today?" Ted asks me..
I am momentarily touched by his concern.
"It's just that we don;t want to get in trouble if you collapse." He carries on. I am overwhelmed by his lack of concern
I glare at him.
"If I do collapse I am going to tell everyone you hit me over the head." I say
Ted looks worried for a second and then smiles. "Well it might make you lot take these bloody evaluations seriously. No names er Rob...."

Thursday, 14 January 2010

Snow, shoes and ending up in A&E

So evaluation forms are done – hooray.
“Are you excited about reading them Teduardo?” Rob asks with an evil smirk
Ted blusters for a moment. “I am far too busy and important to look at them for at least a few days.” He retorts
Yes he actually used these words. Jamie and I both burst out laughing and go to the kitchen to make tea.

“So how was your Christmas?” He asks casually.
I shrug, “Why are you asking that.” I say “The answer will only bore you.”
Was just wondering if you recovered from the Christmas party.” He says.
I blush “Who… let me guess Fishy?” He nods
“Do you know Ethan told him off yesterday for picking on you?”
“Seriously?” I ask. I am quite touched. Ethan is such a big brother to me.
“So anyway,” Jamie says, “If I’d have been there….”
I roll my eyes, “I think I’ve learnt my lesson about playing in the company sandbox.”
He gives me a look and says, “Maybe you just need to find the right one to play in.”
“I think Teds calling me” I lie blushing.

I decide that I can’t work for another second without Starbucks as the kitchen feels scary and confusing so I decide to make a run. I end up with about six orders so Simon and Rob offer to give me a hand which Fishy finds very amusing and can’t resist making a comment about.
Before I can kill him Ted says, “Rob you are needed to train Fishy remember?”
So Simon and I end up wandering to get coffee.

It is very snowy in London and even I have had to wear ugly shoes so I could try not to fall over again. Unfortunately two minutes away from the office I slip over and whack my head on the pavements.

First thought on regaining consciousness is “Bugger” swiftly followed by “Ouch”
Simon rushes up and asks if I am okay at which point I burst into tears.
I am really not a crier – despite the evidence of the last few months I rarely cry. However, I seem to have hit a tear duct. As I sit up Simon checks the back of my head which is now bleeding somewhat. I stagger up.
“Are you okay?” Simon asks.
“I’m fine,” I half slur half sob.
“Kate I think we need to get you checked out.” Simon says.
I shake my head and then throw up on the pavement. I think I also got Simon’s shoes. He holds my hair back and says, “We are getting a taxi to the A&E right now whether you like it or not.”

So Simon bundles me into a taxi and we end up sitting there for three hours before the doctors decide I have managed to give myself severe concussion and shouldn’t be left alone for 48 hours. Unfortunately I live alone so end up going back to Simons…

So do I win loser of the year for managing to fall over twice in January? I should not be allowed out without a crash helmet clearly...

Tuesday, 12 January 2010

How not to answer a work evaluation... unless you are leaving in a week

So a group of us go to the pub to complete Teds form in the evening. Ted's evaluation form is both pointless and pretentious so Rob decides this is the perfect time to have some fun...we all help him with the form - let me know what you think....

Question 1 What special skills enable you to contribute to anon publisher like no one else can? Invisibility I use this to measure the average length each staff member spends on the toilet

2When you wake up what inspires you to do the best job you can? The possibility that one day I might see Ted naked (This was my suggestion)

3 How do you think your boss would describe you in five words or less? You are my boss Ted.... This was unanimous...

4What other skills could we help you to develop to make you the best sales team member you can be? Letting me get on with my job and not answer these questions would be a start...

5What helps you get in the mindset of sell sell sell. The potential extra 25K I can earn..... I answer this one with the simple "Nothing seeing as I work in marketing.....

6How do you push yourself to the 110% success the company demands? Learn basic maths. This tells me 110% is impossible.

7What do people say about you? That I am amazing in bed. Rob gives me a look while saying this and I roll my eyes. "You are leaving in a week." I say "And it's never going to happen with me."

8Are you willing to go the extra mile - give examples of how you have done this. Once I travelled an hour for a shag. This one was all Rob clearly.

So do you think Ted will like?

Thursday, 7 January 2010

SuperTed, reviews and January blues

So January started off cold and snowy. Me being me I managed to fall over and sprain my wrist which has been making work harder and me grumpy. Ted has used the time of Christmas to get fatter and apparently stupider and Rob is using his last few weeks in the office to generally cause trouble. Welcome to Publishing Office 2010

Ted should not drink coffee. Simon made a tea round earlier after I mentioned dying with a caffeine shortage but being to injured to make it myself. I figure there have to be some benefits to clumsiness. Unfortunately the coffee seems to be making Ted bounce around like... well like a slightly over weight micro manager type on a trampoline to be honest. Because Ted needs us all need to prepare for review week. This just means we meet with Ted and he evaluates us and tells us if we are getting a pay rise.Must be nice to Ted Kate....

"Right TEAM SALES" Announces Ted with a big clipboard with questionnaires as he hands them around." "You all need to remember the review is about showcasing your achievements and using them for the benefit of the company. You all need to be selling yourselves. SELL SELL SELL!"
I scowl, "Can I just sell you instead." I say "I am sure someone must want you.... somewhere."
Ted ignores me, "These forms need to be completed by ALL of you by tomorrow morning without fail. Is that clear?" He demands
I glare, "Some of us only have one working hand." I say.
Fishy smirks, "I am sure one of the boys here would be more than willing to help you out Katie." He says, "Simon? Rob?"
I glare, "Only my friends are allowed to call me Katie."
Childish I know but he is so annoying...

"Er Ted?" Rob says, "Why have you given me one of these I leave in less than two weeks."
Ted beams, "I wouldn't want you to miss out Rob, it is an important part of your growth."
Rob starts, "You're joking right?"
Ted looks hurt, "No every employee must complete this form and you are still my employee for another ten working days."
Rob laughs, "Then why the hell is this Fishy in my chair?"
"Just do it." Ted snaps in his best "I'm the boss and super important voice."
Fine I'll fill this out in great detail." Rob says. "You'll love it Teduardo. So anyone coming to the pub to help me?"

Now this sounds like fun...

Tuesday, 5 January 2010

Years reolutions achievements who we are and apology

Sorry for the long gap between postings. I didn't have access to a PC for a lot of Christmas and like a moron managed to fall over in the snow and sprain my wrist. It's still sore so please excuse the lateness of this post!

Kate's resolutions for 2010:
  1. Do not kiss any more work colleagues, once can be forgiven, twice perhaps
  2. suggests the need to stop drinking three times is just office suicide. Do not do it
  3. Find a way to get back at Fishy and ideally destroy the photographic evidence of one of the above indiscretions...
  4. Be nice to Ted for the first few weeks. We have work evaluations coming up.
  5. Stop falling over.
  6. Arrive on time - or at least before half nine.
  7. Try and avoid flashing anyone.
Actually the last two would be a good guide for life not just the office Even I can do this right? So the achievements (I use achievements lightly) of last year included:
  • The thong incident...
  • The infamous Christmas party
  • Throwing up on a flasher
  • Annoying Ted on many many an occasion
  • Not getting fired.

And finally a little reminder of who everyone is...
Kate: That's me!

Jay – The CEO – a complete snob who loves to talk down to you.

Andi – American admin manager.

Jamie –The cute sales man who likes to smooth talk - has a LOT of girlfriends.

Rob – Salesman and extreme charmer approach with caution - he is leaving in two weeks time.

Ethan – The office big brother, hard working and nice - what is he doing here?

Fishy - The new recruit - an older sales man who likes to mock the rest of us mercilessly. He and I do not get on.

Simon: Sales junior, sweet and nice but too desperate to prove he is not a total innocent at the moment and not single....

Ted - A.k.a Mr Motivator. Oh dear.

May – Sensible and on occasions scary. Rob and Jamie are bother terrified of her. I think she is great.

Stee - Graphic designer.

Laura - Poor accountant who is stuck working alone with Jay. Very scatty and on the rare occasions she joins us for drinks a lot of fun