Sunday, 17 October 2010
My favourite Amberisms include:
"Ew British men have such icky teeth" All the guys in the office looked positively woebegone and while I felt sorry for them I had to laugh
"All women should be having regular Botox right Kate?" At which point I spilt my coffee all over my desk.
"I can't help it I just find guys sexier when they have money. I mean I’d never sleep with someone unless he was a financially viable asset." At this point Fishy is turning puce so I interject "Me too the guys I date have to fill out a form."
Simon sniggered and Amber nodded vigorously. "I know right."
Oh and my other favourite gem, "I never eat carbs or sweets. I'd love to look more anorexic like you Kate."
"Yes." I say as seriously as I can manage, "Because in our meetings I'm the one that gets all the guys falling over themselves to give me their numbers... no wait Amber that's you."
Amber laughs, "Yeah because I make an effort. You're just too approachable and you really need to wear more makeup you could be so pretty." I know I should be offended but it's too funny. Plus apparently I could be pretty if I only tried harder!
And the best one to Ted, "This office needs some more sophistication." Ted looked confused and blustered. I laughed "Amber, he gave up on that the moment he hired Fishy." I earn a laugh and a finger from Fishy...
Now I know it sounds like I should dislike her but she is hilarious. I have never met anyone with such a lack of tact and every time she opens her mouth I can't help but laugh. The men however have a different reaction:
Ted - gets flustered whenever she says anything and then looks uncomfortable so trys to laugh it off. Her very expression is "Ted is so like the office papa right?" This makes him clearly uncomfortable and I love it.
Simon - His natural shyness seems to amuse her and she will often go over to his desk and talk. Simon the gets incredibly embarrassed and has sent me secret text messages saying make her leave. Favourite Simon quote, "She terrifies me!"
Fishy - Poor Fishy I feel sorry for him. He is so shocked by Amber that he keeps asking us all to go to the pub drinking. Last time he even texted me when I was working late saying my favourite drink was waiting. Okay he got it wrong but his dislike of Amber has made him a lot nicer to me.
Ethan - Ethan being the most patient person in the office doesn't seem to mind. he is always polite and friendly to her and he and I are both happy to laugh off the more unusual remarks.
Jamie - Poor Jamie is wandering around looking like he's just found out there isn't a Santa. As his Ex I am in no way rubbing this in by telling him I told him so... No definitely not.
Jay - Not that he is a in anyone sexist and a bit of a perv but he seems to spend his entire time starring at her chest. Creepy oh yes!
Monday, 9 August 2010
So it’s Ambers first day – she starts at lunch time and I decide to start the day well by:
- Being on time (I am only 15 mins late this counts as managed)
- Wearing make up- (Sucess foundation covers the bruise from a fall)
- Making sure hair was brushed and stocking free of runs – I can mend that bad first impression (Fail - stockings ripped and hair mad)
- Stopping Fishy or Jamie from anything too appropriate. (Who am I kidding?)
- Stopping Ted from calling her Sugar bird which he used on me this morning. (Just what?)
Jamie and Fishy grunt yes, Ethan and Simon offer to help.
“Ted?” I ask,
“Alright then sugar bird” He responds.
I pause and glare.
“If you don’t want me to add something a lot less sweet to your tea I suggest rephrasing.” I say and stomp off.
“Seriously what is with him?” I fume to Simon, who laughs.
“You could occasionally ignore him rather than rising to it every single time you know...” He says.
“But he needs to learn how stupid he is.” I say “And without me reminding him how will he ever know?”
Simon laughs, “You are a nightmare.”
“Hey he should be thanking me.” I say, “If Amber was here she could sue – she's American remember.”
“She better not.” Says Fishy who has snuck up behind us “It will be loads worse when we finally have a fit woman in the office.”
This should not bother me because:
Fishy likes to annoy me I know this and I think the whole office does. Unfortunately it does. I try and think of a good comeback and fail so resort to spilling coffee on his desk. Unfortunately this isn’t quite the victory it should be as in the process I spill some on my white skirt. This looking well-groomed thing isn’t working out. I already ripped my stockings so I have my Mr Bump plasters displayed on my knees for all to see. Classy Kate...
At around ten to twelve I get a call from reception announcing Amber is here and I go up to see her.
She is as glamorous as ever and positively dripping Chanel. I remind myself that I don;t want or need designer stuff. Besides while I could never afford designer labels it is probably for the best. I'm already cross with myself for ruining a £20 skirt before lunchtime…
“Hey.” I say to her with a smile, “Remember me? I’m Kate welcome.”
She smiles and takes my hand. “I’m glad you're okay I felt really sorry for you.” She says.
I blush “All better now!” I say over brightly and concentrate very hard on walking down the steps.
I introduce her to the rest of the office and show her to her desk.
“And we are doing a special welcome to the team lunch for you at one” Ted booms at her.
Amber smiles, “Wow that’s great.” As I settle her into her desk she asks
“Where are we going? Somewhere nice? I’m like so dying to try the Ivy.”
I laugh, “They are slightly less generous than that here, generally it’s the pub down the road. It does nice food and we go there a lot after work which you are welcome to join. Best introduce you now."
“Ew” she exclaims loudly, I jump and hope she isn't talking about one of my injuries
“A pub?" She looks says looking horrified "I never go there -they're dirty and full of old men right? Totally gross. Plus they never do carb free stuff”
Hmmm this could be interesting I think. “Give me a second.” I say and grab Ted.
“Ted do you think we could do Pizza Express?” I ask quietly, "I think Amber would be more comfortable with somewhere she knows.”
Ted looks bemused, “Why?”
I sigh I have no argument so improvise.
“Ted,” I say confidentially, “It’s a girl thing…”
“Oh well then of course.” He says looking scared. I love this about Ted. Mention anything remotely female and he runs a mile.
I go back to Amber’s desk and hear her telling Fishy and Jamie how much she hates pubs and the beer culture. Both look like they have eaten lemons and Ethan is trying not to laugh.
I think she might be a very interesting choice...
Tuesday, 6 July 2010
1) Amber – she is definitely not lacking in confidence and could do a good job but doesn’t have all of the database skills.
2) Jenny – She seems very nice has all the skills and is a bit quiet. Jamie thinks she “lacks the confidence” actually he doesn’t fancy her.
Ted, “We need to hire someone. This TEAM is incomplete.”
I roll my eyes, “You do know these little meeting Jamie and I keep disappearing to are expressly for that purpose Ted.”
Ted glares. “So will anyone do so far?”
“I like Amber” says Jamie quickly.
I sigh ever since I dumped him prior to her interview Jamie has been going on about Amber being fit. And I know I dumped him but it’s annoying me. What’s worse is Fishy has picked up on the fact it is annoying me and is joining in.
“So we have Amber or Jenny in the running then.” Ted says stating the obvious. “Hmmmmm well TEAM the only solution is put it to a vote.”
I groan softly and Fishy shoots me an evil grin.
“Right TEAM gather” Ted calls.
I bang my head on my desk a few times in despair.
“We the sales team have a dilemma – two candidates can do the jobs – so who do we choose. Jamie and Katie you have a minute each to make your case.”
I glare, “Jenny can do the job better.”
Jamie smirks, “Is that is?” He asks, “Well Amber is intelligent, proactive and will fit into the team. Plus she will look great representing it.”
“You are unbelievable.” I tell him
“Enough kids.” Fishy interrupts. “So are we voting Ted?”
Ted beams, “Form a circle and we will vote going around?”
“What is with you an d circles?” I mutter, “Would no one play with you at school.”
Simon sniggers and we get into the circle.
I go first and vote Jenny, Simon follows.
Fishy and Jamie vote Amber.
“As Ethan is off today I get the decider.” Ted declares, “And I vote Amber.”
Jamie and Fishy cheer and I console myself with he fact at least this means no more interviewing people.
Plus the chances of them picking someone I didn’t humiliate myself in front were always slim. Amber is starting Monday...
Friday, 25 June 2010
Really sorry all for being awol for so long – I had some work issues to sort and just needed some time away. Also one of my work colleagues discovered my blog which made me consider closing it L Anyway if you are reading colleague – please don’t tell anyone that this is me. I would appreciate that. K x
So to recap – I last blogged just after I decided it was a good idea to dump Jamie right before our interviewee was arriving.
Stupid stupid stupid Kate.
After Fishy left smirking Jamie and I looked at each other awkwardly for a moment. “Well I’ll go get her shall I?” I chirp with as much cheer as I can possibly force.
“Shall you?” Jamie mimics back. I blush and stumble out. This poor interviewee is going to have the worst half hour of her life I think.
I go and see her in reception and instantly think please let that not be her. Sitting in reception is the most glamorous and polished woman I think I have ever seen in my life. Slightly olive skinned and dressed head to toe in designers she looks like a less airbrushed Eva Mendes.
Insecurity come and bite me on the ass…
I take a breath. I am in power here I am the interviewer. I think.
“Hi,” I say, “I’m Kate and it is really nice to meet you. My colleague is waiting downstairs if you want to follow me.”
“Hey, that’s great.” She drawls with a strong new York accent, “I’m Amber by the way.”
I turn and smile at her and lead the way. Unfortunately I forgot four very important things:
1) I am a moron
2) I am clumsy
3) I am wearing ridiculous heels and can barely walk as it is
4) I should always always look where I am going
But I ignored these things…And fall down the last few steps
And manage to cut my lip on the floor.
“Oh my God are you okay?” Amber asks sounding horrified.
I now have blood all over my top.
Great if I am going to hurt myself I am implementing a new rule – only on the occasions where I will do it well enough to illicit sympathy
Once the office realises I am alive they all begin sniggering except Ethan (and Simon but possibly only because he is not here).
I plan to put laxatives in their tea.
I get up mortified,
“It’s fine I’m fine.”
Ethan comes over and hands me a pile of tissue
“Ignore them kid – just don’t bleed on your interviewee.”
“I need a hug.” I say.
He gives me a quick squeeze and says “Don’t worry about it, if nothing else you’ve probably given the fairest impression of the company yet.”
I sigh and try to look dignified leading Amber into the room.
“What have you done now?” snips Jamie, he turns to Amber all smiles,
I position myself over the table so I can subtly bleed on him
Tuesday, 16 March 2010
Early in April there is a big award ceremony for a certain area in publishing and we are hosting this. As far as publishing awards go there are two types - fun ones where you meet interesting people and corporate ones. Ours is corporate the whole point of it is to make lots of money and is so boring it's a struggle doze off - on the plus side we get given a five star meal at a very posh hotel in London and endless champagne. However in the build up we are all feeling overworked and underpaid.
Jay has been wondering around in a kind of management stupor because finally he has something that even he can't manage to screw up - food tasting.
Ted is barking orders at us all and becoming quite alarmingly red in the face. Ethan who is the mature and sensible one actually stormed out the office yesterday after Ted told him to "Buck up your ideas young man." when he tried to leave on time for his wife's birthday. Tensions are running high in general and Jamie and I are rather pointedly not speaking to each other to Fishy's obvious joy.
"Are you two looking forward to interviewing later" He smirks
Jamie grunts and I scowl at him.
"Now now now now now thats not the attitude I want from my happy little TEAM." Pipes Ted, "I want enthusiasm - you two need to say today I WILL find the perfect candidate."
Simon coughs clearly trying not to laugh, Ethan rolls his eyes and Jamie continues to glare. I shrug disinterestedly.
"Maybe they should form a power circle." Fishy suggest an evil glint in his eye, "Ted was saying in the past he has used holding hands in a circle to motivate."
"Quite right." Ted interrupts looking delighted - people listening to anything he says is pretty rare.
"Good plan Fishy - TEAM on your feet. We need to up the energy in this room TEAM!" I groan.
"I think they need to get more involved." A clearly amused Fishy says,
"Good plan.," Says Ted, "Right Everyone hold hands and say-"
"I'm not holding hands with him." I say pointing at Fishy, "I don't know where he's been."
"I wouldn't want to hold hands with you for the same reason.," He retorts "Oh actually I know where you've been"
"Isn't this waste of time supposed to be about team building." Ethan says wearily.
"Yes so enough bickering children." Ted booms, "All take hands."
We all relutantly give in.
"Repeat with me - today I will be my best. I will support my colleagues and I will sell sell sell."
I consider making a sarcastic remark but decide I haven't the energy. I replace sell sell sell with market market market though just to annoy Ted a bit.
"Morning all what are we up to?" Comes a nasal and constipated voice. Great Jay has decided to venture to the commoners.
"Just motivating the happy worker bees." Ted says oblivious to the sea of scowls.
"Good good good. Well I need to volunteer to come to the Pretentious Hotel with me and help me with the food tasting. How about you Katie?"
"I have a press release to get out and then we are interviewing I am afraid." I say trying to sound sincere. Given the choice of spending time with Jay and having my teeth pulled out I am not sure which I'd prefer.
Jay looks surprised - clearly I have passed up a lifetime opportunity, "Well how about our young junior sales boy." he says nodding at Simon, "Learn from a master."
Simon blushes but nods and gathers his things up clearly uncomfortable.
"You can't expect this kind of treat every working day mind." Jay warns.
Simon gives a forced smile, "See you later."
After a few hours when Simon still has not returned I get a text from him saying, "He is making me hold plates while he tastes things and I had to blind fold him. I would rather be holding Ted's hand."
I laugh and message it to Ethan who smiles.
"Haven't you guys better be getting the interview room ready. Fishy says to me and Jamie "I am sure you will need to talk beforehand."
I reluctantly follow him into the meeting room where we sit in silence for a few minutes
"So are we going to talk at all."
"Okay" I say. "I don't think we should see each other any more."
Unfortunately at this point Fishy arrives saying "Your interviewee has arrived." And I have a nasty feeling he heard me.
Wednesday, 10 March 2010
"So anyone got any ideas of how to destroy Ted? Decapitation is fine" Ethan says. Poor Ethan has been working closely with Ted on one of our new launches. We just signed a new very commercial client which should be great but Ted has decided to "help" Ethan with it. As a consequence Ethan has spent much of the day trying not to loose his cool.
"Right TEAM sales drinks?" Simon asks
We all shout agreement.
"I thought you weren't sales Kate?" Fishy says snidely.
I laugh, "If someone is buying drinks I am."
"Is someone going to help me carry theses?" Simon calls,
I go and help him and we decide to work on our best Ted impressions. It involves saying golly gosh a lot.
I give Fishy and Ethan their drinks and grab a seat next to Jamie. Simon comes and joins us with the remaining drinks.
"Here you go dolly" he says to me in the best Ted voice,
"Will you two just get a room already" Fishy says. I cringe slightly. Jamie and I are touching arms under the table and I can feel him tense up.
Simon and I both blush
"We were just doing Ted impressions." I say, "He keeps calling me dolly at the moment." (It's true and it is driving me mad)
"And you are really going to tell me you both don't fancy each other?" Fishy says.
I glance at Simon and I think it is safe to say we both resemble beetroots. Not a look I recommend incidentally
"Leave them alone Fishy." Ethan says,
"I think they should answer - if there is a little office romance brewing." Jamie says snidely.
"Seriously can we please get over this?" I ask
"You didn't answer the question." Jamie says glaring.
There is an awkward silence for a moment.
"So if Ted had Megan Fox's body would you go there?" Ethan asks.
I smile at him across the table and mouth "thank you"
"I'm going for a cigarette." Jamie says moodily.
"Wait up mate I'll join." says Simon running after him.
Ethan Fishy and I sit in awkward silence for a moment.
"Tenner says one of them throws a punch." Fishy smirks,
"Shut up!" I snap.
"You really enjoy having the men fighting over you." Fishy carries on, "Can't say I see it myself."
"Leave it." Ethan says.
"I like a woman with elegance and grace," he says, "Not some clumsy little bit-"
I stand up and empty his full glass of wine into his crotch.
"Damn if only I wasn't such a clumsy little bitch" I glare, "I'm going home."
I storm out and feel someone tap me on the shoulder.
"What?!" I shout expecting Fishy. It is Ethan - oops
"Sorry Ethan. I think my night has peaked." I say tearfully.
He gives me a hug,. "Ignore him, I'll to have a word - I'll sort it."
I get home to find three texts
Number 1 from Simon
Sorry Fishy was an arse tonight, don't get upset by him the rest of us love you. xx
Number 2 from Ethan
I spoke to him it'll be okay - chin up kid
Number 3 from Jamie
Do you like Simon more than me?
Why can't life be simple?
Wednesday, 3 March 2010
Ted has also decided this week that he wants to get more involved in all of our day to day tasks.
“I want to know what you are all doing at all times!” He announced with the air of the management gone mad with power. Or maybe it is lack of sales, poor Ted hasn’t managed to sell anything in weeks.
“So Katie what is your day today going to consist of?” he asks.
I sigh, “Well seeing as yesterday Jay told me you have agreed a new book client I am going to spend most of the day working on a promotional plan. The rest of the day is wondering how the hell I am going to fit in this plan with only a month notice.”
“We don’t have defeatist talk here.” He responds. “I want an hourly status update kiddo." I glare. kiddo?
"Simon who are you calling today?" He carried on oblivious to my death glare.
“How about I just email you my sales leads?” Simon asks.
“No talk me through it. As a TEAM we all need to know what everyone is doing.”
Simon sighs and lists his clients.
“Is that all your calls today?” Ted demands his eyes possessed looking.
“I was also going to call my mother and wish her a happy birthday.” Simon admits, “But I thought you wouldn’t care about that.”
Ted goes around the room until Ethan finally tells him, “I could take you through my list of sales prospects or I could actually call them and make some money. Your call.”
Ethan losing his temper is rare and this shuts everyone up for a while
Ted leaves to make tea and we all exchange looks,
“What the hells gotten into him?” I ask.
“He thinks the atmosphere here is unprofessional.” Fishy replies smugly
“For God sake.” Ethan says
“I don’t blame him.” Fishy says, “You lot are mad”
“Funny how he asked you too considering you are so much better than us.” I retort.
“Cut it out you two.” Ethan says. “I have a meeting with him this afternoon I’ll have a word then. Kate, Jamie get someone hired. I think that will calm him down.”
“Can we go and talk about our next interviews?” Jamie asks.
I sigh and follow him into the meeting room.
“Are you not talking to me?” He asks
“No this is all psychic communication – spooky.” I say
He glares, “Mature really mature.”
“Well without meaning to sound even more immature you started it.” I say.
He laughs, “So what are the chances of kissing and making up?” he says.
Hmmm bad idea?
Friday, 26 February 2010
I arrive to work and yes I am late but ted has gone on a new get fit routine. I have a theory his wife is forcing him so every morning Ted arrives at 8am changes into jogging gear, goes for a run in Green Park and comes in late and stinky holding a bacon sandwich. Oh Ted.
So I arrive at half nine and Ted doesn't even know - score.
"Afternoon" Fishy calls snidely.
I ignore him and move with dignity towards my desk. Unfortunately I managed to knock a huge pile of files over. Damn. I kneel over to pick them up.
"What are you wearing on your knees Kate?" Ethan asks.
"My plasters?" I say confused.
"You have Cinderella plasters?" Fishy says, "Are you three?"
I blush "Simon got them for me after my concussion."
"With strict instructions to stop needing them every week." Simon laughs.
"You'll be jealous if you cut yourself." I say to Fishy.
"Why because he can't look like an idiot too?" Jamie says shooting me a dirty look before storming out. I sigh.
"What is up with him at the moment?" Ethan asks.
"I think I've annoyed him." Simon says looking worried, "He's been funny with me for a while."
"It could be Kate rejecting all the cute girls from the interview." Fishy says.
I look up, "What are you on about Fishy, you're making even less sense than usual."
Fishy smiles, "Jamie told me whenever a pretty girl goes along you reject her. Jealous much?"
"Are you high?" I say.
I think back to the interviews we had two attractive girls one who said she would only take the job for a salary of 30K (We have 18K to offer.) and one who I really liked up until the end of her interview.
"Why did you leave your last job?" I asked
"Well I didn't get on with my boss." She admits.
I can sympathise Ted drives me mad on occasions I think
"You see I really can't work with women." She carries on.
I think my jaw actually dropped. Then I got paranoid that maybe she thought I was a man. Anyway she was a no from me and I stand by it.
At this point the smell of Ted distracts me from killing Jamie Fishy and possibly an innocent bystander.
"Morning Team Sales!" He booms, "How are we all today? Ready to make money money money?"
The team mutter unenthusiastically and I glare.
"Oh your interviewee is waiting upstairs by the way Kate. Are you and Jamie ready?"
I text Jamie, Interviewee is here, stop acting like a five year old girl and get your arse back NOW
Great an hour stuck in a small meeting room with my soon to be ex. Office romances are a bad move.
Monday, 22 February 2010
- Received over 100 job applications from the guardian job advert - wow
- Seen five people for interviews
- Fallen over three times
- Fallen over once in front of another person - score!
- Ended up an a passionate moment
- Which then resulted in a half deflated air bra - not a look I would recommend
- Realised after an hour of walking around with an uneven chest that I could have just removed the other pad.
- Tried to break up with Jamie twice and failed both times
- Realised I am a moron.
Interviewee number one
Short guy with a goatee. (Goatees for me lose a point automatically)Turns up in jeans and a shirt with what looked like ketchup on it. I also think he might have been stoned. Jamie and I spent half an hour trying to get some sense out of him and then ten minutes laughing once he had left.
Interviewee number two
Rather tomboyish girl turns up wearing a suit - Jamie and I knuckle punch under the table (knuckle punch means points thumb grab means minus.) She seems nice, laughs at Jamie's feeble joke about not having to be mad to work here. As she gets up to leave Jamie raises his eyebrows at me and I smile - we think we have found our girl. As she leaves we both shake her hand and then she lets out the belch to end all belches. I blush instantly mortified for her. She laughs, "If I get the job you'll be hearing that a lot." She says.
Jamie and I look at each other when she has left. "No!"
Friday, 12 February 2010
However I get back to my desk after lunch to the email.
"Hi Kate C, thanks for setting up a profile on our site - we look forward to matching you up with available lesbians soon."
Er what the hell?
"Who added me to a lesbian dating site?" I shout, "Because I am going to kill you."
Simon and Jamie both start laughing and Ethan looks torn between amusement and disapproval
"Jamie?" I accuse, he shakes his head laughing
"I wish I'd thought of it." He says
Fishy glares at me, "Don't look at me, I enjoy my lesbian fantasies having you there would ruin it."
Ouch a slightly uncomfortable silence falls before Ethan says, "Kate i think you are forgetting the obvious culprit, Rob?"
"Oh right." I say.
"And give it a rest Fishy." Ethan says, "I mean it."
I smile at gratefully at Ethan.
At that point Ted decides to come out of the meeting room - he has been holed up in there all day.
"I have a task for my new management team," He says gloatingly. "Jamie Kate, you will be writing a job description for our new member of staff. But don't worry I felt it was unfair to leave my two minions without a little of my guidance" He beams giving us a printed sheet.
I see Fishy smirking and swear at him behind Ted's back.
Jamie and I wander into the meeting room and I am quickly distracted by "Oh Sh*t"
"Whats wrong?" I say
He groans have you seen Ted's description.
I look over and feel my stomach drop
Superstar Sales and Marketing wannabe
We need someone full of energy with a degree, preferably two years experience and a strong work ethic,. They must be willing to put in all the extra hours we need, sell when needed to and assist with all marketing and admin. The job will include overseas travel and exciting progression.
Jamie and I give each other a look
"Overseas travel?" I ask
"I know and have you seen the salary?"
The salary is 18K
"So how are we going to break it to Ted that he is living in a dream world?" I ask
"Over this or just in general?" Jamie says.
I laugh, "We could just re-write it to something sensible?"
We sit and work for a bit and I begin to relax. Things aren't tense between us I think, it's fine he doesn't even care any more.
Which takes me even more by surprise when he suddenly kisses me.
I get the feeling kissing in a meeting room might not be maintaining my professional exterior
Wednesday, 10 February 2010
Ted sighs, "Yes I am speaking to Jay about your new package."
"Great. Can I suggest a big raise." I smile as sweetly as I can manage
Ted laughs, "You can suggest it." (Damn my smiles are clearly not effective or persuasive)
I smile harder - my face kind of hurts, "If I promise to be really nice to you can I get one?"
Ted laughs, "That's up to Jay and off the record the man is the biggest cheapskate you'll ever meet."
I sigh "So what do you think I'll get."
"I'll try and get you around 26K" he promises
"Twenty seven would make me even nicer." I say hopefully.
He laughs, "Don't push it girlie."
Ted quickly stops off and grabs a sandwich and I dash ahead to gloat.
"I'm a marketing manager now!" I call at the sales team,
The guys and Andi give me a hug and Fishy looks horrified
Fishy glares at me, "You have to be joking?"
"Nope" I say smugly
Fishy scowls, "So does this mean you are going to be on time now?"
I smile "Still suffering with SMS I see."
"Okay I'm going to bite." Simon says, "SMS?"
"No." I explain, "It's short man syndrome, affecting males with size complex, they over compensate by being mean. Actually it has been found this makes it worse and causes erectile dysfunction. The poor short men."
Fishy rolls his eyes, "I'll stop being mean when you say something intelligent or do something useful."
I shrug, "I thought the whole point of being a manager is to get less done and steal other people success."
Fishy smirks, "Hi Ted." He calls behind me, "Kate was just talking about you."
I blush and Ethan and Simon seem torn between looking sympathetic and amused
Ted rolls his eyes, "When you have finished trying to be witty can you and Jamie come through to the meeting room I need a word."
Jamie and I exchange guilty looks - what have we managed to do now.
Ted sits us down and says seriously "You two are going to be my new team. I need Sales and Sales support" (Marketing I mutter) Ted ignores me, "110% focused on the job. Therefore we are creating a new role. The new person will take over some of the easy renewal sales from Jamie and assist Kate with the marketing."
"Sounds like a great idea." Jamie says.
Ted nods "And to give you two a bit more responsibility you will be joint interviewing all applicants. I will have the final say. So I need you two to work closely together this week and come up with a plan of action. Go Team Sales!"
Hmmm I am beginning to think that snogging Jamie last week was an even worse move than I thought....
Monday, 8 February 2010
"Seriously Kate what is your problem today?"
"I'm attracted to deeply effeminate men" I reply
He glares at me, "It was just a kiss Kate, didn't know it was going to turn you into a total bitch."
Ouch and I think I deserved it.
I sigh, "I'm sorry I just have the meeting with Ted coming up and I don't want to give Fishy more ammunition so I am doing my aloof innocent thing."
Jamie gives me a look, "You're not acting aloof trust me. Try acting normal. It may be a stretch I know."
"Okay point taken." I say. "Friends?"
"Yeah but you and I are talking later. Good luck with Ted and try not to jump on him."
Great just great. Note to self must engage brain more.
I sit and brood until a loud voice booms "Ready Katie Kins?"
Must not be mean to Ted right before my work evaluation. I will let the Katie kins go for now.
Ted takes me to a coffee shop and looks at me. I am splitting your evaluation into five sessions, Attitude, Ability, Passion and the X Factor, then I will give you mine and Jay's overall recommendations".
I consider breaking into a verse of song at this but bite my tongue.
The evaluation turns out easier than i expected. Ted seems quite happy to just talk to himself and I am quite happy to let him.
"And the example?" I look up - Ted has clearly just asked a direct question. Rare.
"I was just considering the best one to use." I say
"Well passion is an important part of life." He says beaming. "So I need examples of you displaying passion in the team."
Really not the question I needed today. I blush more take a gulp of coffee and then choke. And carry on choking and wheezing until tears start streaming - not the impression I wanted to create. Ted whacks me on the back a few times and I eventually stop spluttering.
Unfazed Ted carries on
"So from next week we are promoting you to Marketing Manager."He says
I look up shocked. "Seriously me? Why?" I say I should not have said that out loud
Ted laughs, "That was what exactly what I said to Jay and Arthur."
Oh... well who cares what he thinks. I got promoted!
Thursday, 4 February 2010
So far between us we are guilty of:
One drunk managing to fall asleep on the train home
A lost mobile phone
One drunken kiss
One bag vomited on
One Rob walking off into the sunset
One snail stepped on accidentally
One case of tears after realising they committed snail murder
To start with Fishy - how the mighty have fallen. He is rather quiet and a little subdued about the previous evening.
"So did you make it home okay?" Simon asks.
Fishy looks a little embarrassed.
After some prompting by Ethan he admits he managed to fall asleep on the train home - miss his stop and when he did get off he dropped his phone on the train.
"Well just call your number." Ethan says, "Then whoever has it can hopefully leave it somewhere for you."
Fishy calls and we all listen. He explains rather sheepishly that he lost his phone and looks momentarily horrified.
"Whats up?" Simon asks.
Fishy looks at his feet and the admits, "He asked me to please not fall asleep on him this time."
Ethan laughs, "Well it could have been worse - Simon managed to throw up all over his bag."
"Ew." I say, "Nasty."
Simon blushes, "Thought you agreed not to share that." He says.
Ethan laughs, "I like being the only one who can hold their drink."
Fishy looks up, "So what else happened?"
"Kate killed a snail." Simon says.
"Shut up." I shout
"Do you remember crying over it for ten minutes." He says, "And then making up a song you called lament to a squashed snail."
I make a face at him.
"Right tea round!" I say.
"Remember we have a meeting in an hour to discuss your performance." Ted calls
"Don't make me do the dance of joy." I shout back.
"So are we going to talk about Friday?" My workmate asks...
EDIT - After requests I am adding what I remember of lament to a snail... it goes to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody
Simon... I just killed a snail
Why don't I look before I tread? Now that little snail is dead.
Snail just a little chap,
But now I've gone and squashed you all flat
Didn't mean to make you die
This is a rough version of the original. It was probably very slurred.....
Tuesday, 2 February 2010
For Robs leaving do - we surprise surprise go to the pub. Rob has decided the leaving do should involved lots of tequilla shots so we are all feeling rough
Simon and I have hatched a plan to get Fishy to embarass himself. It5 involves making him drink a lot. We never said it was sophisticated!
Fishy has drunk a lot of wine and is now slurring.
"Thiiish company is crazy" He says, "You are all mad."
"Said like and expert." Ethan replies laughing.
Friday, 29 January 2010
I hope that I can sneak in without anyone commenting.
Hmmm clearly I am not too bright on a Friday.
"Morning!" I call trying to look innocent and like someone who is not fifteen minutes late.
"I made biscuits" I announce, "For Rob."
Rob and Jamie come over and enthusiastically grab a handful. Ethan looks nervous. "You cooked them yourself Katie?"
"Yes." I say indignantly."I can cook."
Simon smirks, "Didn't you set fire to your kitchen recently?"
"It was just a pan." I say
He laughs, "So you managed without any fires this time."
"Yes." I say "And now you don't get to have a biscuit."
He laughs, "Sorry Kate they look great and I am sure you are a wonderful cook.Can I have one now"
He grabs one and then pretends to choke.
I am beginning to think I shouldn't share my culinary disasters - it may be preventing me from being taking seriously.
"What do they smell of?" Fishy asks suspiciously."
I glare at him - typical he would be the one to notice
I consider lying then decide to front it out "That's me actually." I say with dignity
Fishy gives me a weird look "So any reason why you smell like marzipan?"
"I happen to think Marzipan smells good." I say blushing slightly. Damn this blushing.
Ethan rolls his eyes at me. "You spilt the oil on yourself didn't you?"
"I hate you." I say
"He laughs, "Why didn't you just change?"
"Ted laughs, "please don;t tell me it was because you didn't want to be late?"
Everyone seems to find this very funny for some reason.
I decide to ignore them - I have more fun things to focus on Rob's leaving do tonight!
Ted has even said we can leave early so the drinking will begin from 4pm. This is good for two reasons first any time off work is always a good thing and second our evil scheme. Simon and I have decided it is payback time for Fishy. Basically the plan is to get him very drunk - steal his phone and delete incriminating videos and hope he makes a fool of himself. Sophisticated it is not but I have high hopes for something incriminating. As soon as he does something stupid I will post it!
Monday, 25 January 2010
"I need to load my computer first." I say, "Because I don't wear a watch."
Ted sighs, "It was sarcastic." He informs me. "It is half nine and you were meant to be in half hour ago."
"You missed my company? " I ask. "I'm touched."
He laughs, "Do you think we could buy you the ability to be on time on eBay?"
I make a face at him and sit down.
"Do you think we could buy Rob a gag while you are there?" Ethan asks.
Rob laughs, he is leaving in a few days and has been making us all jealous talking about his around the world trip repeatedly.
"Maybe we could buy one for all of you." Fishy glares.
I glare back at him, "Perhaps you could get some manners there, or a sense of humour."
"I suppose it depends what you find funny." Fishy says, "I find video's funny."
"Fishy give that a rest." Ethan says gently. "I think you've played that to death."
I decide to go and make tea to get away from the tension. Simon usually gives me a hand but this time Fishy does.
"Coffee for you right?" I say, he nods and watches me - which makes me uncomfortable.
"What?" I finally ask.
"Wondering what?" I say getting annoyed
"How you manage to wrap everyone in this office around your finger."
I stop pouring tea and look at him,"Are you serious?"
He laughs, "Well it doesn't look good you have three guys fighting over you, the boss lets you get away with murder and even Ethan acts all protective over you, that helpless act clearly works a charm."
I try and think of something to say but go blank.
"Any reason you are being such an asshole?" I ask
"Why worried about having one less guy to cry on his shoulder."
I blush (unfortunately I do this when angry as well as embarrassed) "Were you dropped on your head as a baby?"
"no I just don't trust you."
"Fine don't.." I say taking the tray filled with teas."Then make your own damn coffee" and pour his in the sink."
I storm off to the other end of the office thinking this day can;t get any worse when Ted calls out - Katie remember to put down our meeting on Wednesday in your diary - work evaluation.
Concussion sounds really good right now.
Wednesday, 20 January 2010
Simon asks if I slept okay from the floor
"Yes fine thanks." I say feeling a little uncomfortable, "Er thanks for letting me stay and for giving me the bed."
He sits up, "Well i had to do something to get back in the good books."
"So me knocking myself out was part of your evil plan?" I smile
"Oh yes." He says seriously , "In fact i tripped you."
I laugh, "Now that I can't believe, you know I could trip over a speck of dust.
He looks serious, "You had me seriously worried.Don't do that again"
"Well it was in the diary to repeat Friday but okay.....OH no." I say, "I was sick on you!"
He laughs, "Well if it makes you feel better Jamie's been sick on me too and he had no excuse."
Hmmm I really wasn't wanting to add throw up on a workmate to my list of what not to do's
"So can I use your shower?" I ask, He shows me where it is and gives me a towel.I take clothes in with me to avoid any awkwardness.
After showering I change into my clothes. I hate wearing yesterdays clothes. I consider the advantages of wearing yesterdays knickers over going commando and then remember the time I accidently flashed my thong. Yesterdays knickers it is.
"By the way Kate," Simon asks once I am dressed, "What were you dreaming about? I am sure you were muttering about a world of rabbits." I blush.Whenever something upsets me I have the rabbit dream a recurring nightmare about rabbits invading the earth. However, in the interest of seeming vaguely sane I don't think I should share this with anyone especially a guy that oi have a slight attraction to. And who was a complete gentleman when i was ill.
Must not lust after workmate until healed and wearing clean knickers....
As we get into work everyone crowds around me and asks how I am. They all are suitably impressed by my bump. I am less happy about that and ask how they would like walking around with a big lump and with co-workers who weren't tactful enough to pretend they couldn't see it.
Rob laughs, "But it is so cool you have a alien head." I glare at him.
"When I am better my head will be normal." I say, "You on the other hand have a cone head."
He looks thrown for a second and begins to examine his own head seriously. Jamie and Ethan laugh.
"Are you sure you should be in today?" Ted asks me..
I am momentarily touched by his concern.
"It's just that we don;t want to get in trouble if you collapse." He carries on. I am overwhelmed by his lack of concern
I glare at him.
"If I do collapse I am going to tell everyone you hit me over the head." I say
Ted looks worried for a second and then smiles. "Well it might make you lot take these bloody evaluations seriously. No names er Rob...."
Thursday, 14 January 2010
“Are you excited about reading them Teduardo?” Rob asks with an evil smirk
Ted blusters for a moment. “I am far too busy and important to look at them for at least a few days.” He retorts
Yes he actually used these words. Jamie and I both burst out laughing and go to the kitchen to make tea.
“So how was your Christmas?” He asks casually.
I shrug, “Why are you asking that.” I say “The answer will only bore you.”
Was just wondering if you recovered from the Christmas party.” He says.
I blush “Who… let me guess Fishy?” He nods
“Do you know Ethan told him off yesterday for picking on you?”
“Seriously?” I ask. I am quite touched. Ethan is such a big brother to me.
“So anyway,” Jamie says, “If I’d have been there….”
I roll my eyes, “I think I’ve learnt my lesson about playing in the company sandbox.”
He gives me a look and says, “Maybe you just need to find the right one to play in.”
“I think Teds calling me” I lie blushing.
I decide that I can’t work for another second without Starbucks as the kitchen feels scary and confusing so I decide to make a run. I end up with about six orders so Simon and Rob offer to give me a hand which Fishy finds very amusing and can’t resist making a comment about.
Before I can kill him Ted says, “Rob you are needed to train Fishy remember?”
So Simon and I end up wandering to get coffee.
It is very snowy in London and even I have had to wear ugly shoes so I could try not to fall over again. Unfortunately two minutes away from the office I slip over and whack my head on the pavements.
First thought on regaining consciousness is “Bugger” swiftly followed by “Ouch”
Simon rushes up and asks if I am okay at which point I burst into tears.
I am really not a crier – despite the evidence of the last few months I rarely cry. However, I seem to have hit a tear duct. As I sit up Simon checks the back of my head which is now bleeding somewhat. I stagger up.
“Are you okay?” Simon asks.
“I’m fine,” I half slur half sob.
“Kate I think we need to get you checked out.” Simon says.
I shake my head and then throw up on the pavement. I think I also got Simon’s shoes. He holds my hair back and says, “We are getting a taxi to the A&E right now whether you like it or not.”
So Simon bundles me into a taxi and we end up sitting there for three hours before the doctors decide I have managed to give myself severe concussion and shouldn’t be left alone for 48 hours. Unfortunately I live alone so end up going back to Simons…
So do I win loser of the year for managing to fall over twice in January? I should not be allowed out without a crash helmet clearly...
Tuesday, 12 January 2010
Question 1 What special skills enable you to contribute to anon publisher like no one else can? Invisibility I use this to measure the average length each staff member spends on the toilet
2When you wake up what inspires you to do the best job you can? The possibility that one day I might see Ted naked (This was my suggestion)
3 How do you think your boss would describe you in five words or less? You are my boss Ted.... This was unanimous...
4What other skills could we help you to develop to make you the best sales team member you can be? Letting me get on with my job and not answer these questions would be a start...
5What helps you get in the mindset of sell sell sell. The potential extra 25K I can earn..... I answer this one with the simple "Nothing seeing as I work in marketing.....
6How do you push yourself to the 110% success the company demands? Learn basic maths. This tells me 110% is impossible.
7What do people say about you? That I am amazing in bed. Rob gives me a look while saying this and I roll my eyes. "You are leaving in a week." I say "And it's never going to happen with me."
8Are you willing to go the extra mile - give examples of how you have done this. Once I travelled an hour for a shag. This one was all Rob clearly.
So do you think Ted will like?
Thursday, 7 January 2010
Ted should not drink coffee. Simon made a tea round earlier after I mentioned dying with a caffeine shortage but being to injured to make it myself. I figure there have to be some benefits to clumsiness. Unfortunately the coffee seems to be making Ted bounce around like... well like a slightly over weight micro manager type on a trampoline to be honest. Because Ted needs us all need to prepare for review week. This just means we meet with Ted and he evaluates us and tells us if we are getting a pay rise.Must be nice to Ted Kate....
"Right TEAM SALES" Announces Ted with a big clipboard with questionnaires as he hands them around." "You all need to remember the review is about showcasing your achievements and using them for the benefit of the company. You all need to be selling yourselves. SELL SELL SELL!"
I scowl, "Can I just sell you instead." I say "I am sure someone must want you.... somewhere."
Ted ignores me, "These forms need to be completed by ALL of you by tomorrow morning without fail. Is that clear?" He demands
I glare, "Some of us only have one working hand." I say.
Fishy smirks, "I am sure one of the boys here would be more than willing to help you out Katie." He says, "Simon? Rob?"
I glare, "Only my friends are allowed to call me Katie."
Childish I know but he is so annoying...
"Er Ted?" Rob says, "Why have you given me one of these I leave in less than two weeks."
Ted beams, "I wouldn't want you to miss out Rob, it is an important part of your growth."
Rob starts, "You're joking right?"
Ted looks hurt, "No every employee must complete this form and you are still my employee for another ten working days."
Rob laughs, "Then why the hell is this Fishy in my chair?"
"Just do it." Ted snaps in his best "I'm the boss and super important voice."
Fine I'll fill this out in great detail." Rob says. "You'll love it Teduardo. So anyone coming to the pub to help me?"
Now this sounds like fun...
Tuesday, 5 January 2010
Kate's resolutions for 2010:
- Do not kiss any more work colleagues, once can be forgiven, twice perhaps
- suggests the need to stop drinking three times is just office suicide. Do not do it
- Find a way to get back at Fishy and ideally destroy the photographic evidence of one of the above indiscretions...
- Be nice to Ted for the first few weeks. We have work evaluations coming up.
- Stop falling over.
- Arrive on time - or at least before half nine.
- Try and avoid flashing anyone.
- The thong incident...
- The infamous Christmas party
- Throwing up on a flasher
- Annoying Ted on many many an occasion
- Not getting fired.
And finally a little reminder of who everyone is...
Kate: That's me!
Jay – The CEO – a complete snob who loves to talk down to you.
Andi – American admin manager.
Jamie –The cute sales man who likes to smooth talk - has a LOT of girlfriends.
Rob – Salesman and extreme charmer approach with caution - he is leaving in two weeks time.
Ethan – The office big brother, hard working and nice - what is he doing here?
Fishy - The new recruit - an older sales man who likes to mock the rest of us mercilessly. He and I do not get on.
Simon: Sales junior, sweet and nice but too desperate to prove he is not a total innocent at the moment and not single....
Ted - A.k.a Mr Motivator. Oh dear.
May – Sensible and on occasions scary. Rob and Jamie are bother terrified of her. I think she is great.
Stee - Graphic designer.
Laura - Poor accountant who is stuck working alone with Jay. Very scatty and on the rare occasions she joins us for drinks a lot of fun