Wednesday, 23 December 2009

Christmas presents/ bribes and a lack of laxatives....

I am feeling happier today. I figure things really can't get much worse than being presented with video footage a makeout session - (Which was really unflattering) and then getting sandwiched between the two workmates you had indiscretions with. Yes today is going to be a good day.

I arrive relatively on time (9:15am - get me) and settle into my desk when an email arrives from Simon.

Look in your bottom desk draw

Be subtle but I left something there for you. Come make tea with me in five minutes? Just want to say sorry.

Hmmm torn between sulking and looking I take a look in the desk - and see a bottle of Issey Miyake- my favourite perfume I can't believe he remembered

Ted comes in, Hope we are all recovered sufficiently from the party then team, he bellows

"Er hello Ted?" I say, "No one else called in sick the next day. remember?"
"Well no one else had the dodgy prawn starter" He lies
"No or five whiskey shots." I mutter.
"Do you have an off switch?" He asks, "Because thats what I want as my Christmas present."
"Do you have an on switch?" I retort, "Because I've yet to see evidence."
"Are you offering to help him find it?" Smirks Fishy.

I glare at him and Jamie looks at the two of us curiously

"So you guys up for lunch today?" Jamie asks "I want all the party updates. Can't believe I missed it.Crap time to be ill."
"Definitely" Fishy says happily, "Simon, Kate, Rob you guys coming? We should ask Andi too."
Simon and I blush.
Great just great.

"I'm making tea" I say and go to the kitchen. I boil the kettle and a few minutes later Simon arrives.
"If you want me to speak to you again you better have laxatives for Fishy's coffee" I say.
He smiles, "No just wanted to say sorry. So er sorry." He blushes "I don't want you to hate me. Especially not while you are holding hot tea."

I roll my eyes.
He sighs, "Seriosuly I feel like a complete arsehole - I just got back with my ex the weekend before and I didn't think you were interested and I'm really sorry. If you want to put laxatives in my tea you can."
I half laugh, "So the present is that a sorry present or a bribe to forgive you?"
Well if it is a bribe does that mean you have to forgive me otherwise return it?"
"Don't push it." I warn
"So are we okay?" He ask.
"Friends." I say and he gives me an awkwards hug."But if you really want to get back into my good books start thinking of revenge on Fishy.
He laughs, "I'm on it."

Monday, 21 December 2009

Awkward silences, hot sauce and a lack of seats...

I sit at my desk feeling like a moron. I start to look at some work and I see Simon and Andi arrive. Simon is sporting a bruise on his face. Rob also comes in a few minutes later. Great. I try to avoid looking at anyone and engross myself in work. Next time must choose something that has a possibility of sucess. After a minute I abandon it and browse facebook.

Ethan picks up the phone that the rest of us are ignoring and laughs when it finishes.

"Ted's called in sick today," He laughs. "What a lightweight"
"So we can talk openly then. " Fishy laughs, "Anyone else want to see last nights entertainment."
I blush which seems to make him laugh even more.
Andi says "Fishy that's so mean."
He laughs and says "Yeah like you and Rob can talk, I saw you both kissing at the end of the evening."

Andi gives a forced laugh, "What are you the office peeping Tom?"
Fishy grins, "Just a casual observer."
"Bet you were just jealous no one wanted to kiss you." Simon retorts.
"True but no one hit me because of it."
Andi looks shocked and says to Rob, "you hit him?"
Rob looks sheepish, "We're okay now right mate."
Simon blushes and says, "yeah I probably deserved it."
I avoid his eye and see an email from him flash up - it says
Really really sorry - can we talk later?
I press delete and glare at him.

How about we all kiss and make up over lunch? " Fishy says, "Unless that would be awkward for you anyone.." He shoots me a look
"Sorry not me." Says Andi, "Gotta leave at midday."
"I'm in" say Ethan, Rob and Simon.
"So you think you can resist these guys long enough to eat lunch with us Katie?" Fishy smirks
"F*** Off." I respond. Not mature but satisfying
"So you are too scared to come?" He says
"Fine I'll come. Now will you shut up?" I glare.

Ethan decides Nandos is a good move but they only have a booth for four. Fishy says we can squeeze. I somehow end up wedged between Rob and Simon.

"Are you okay Kate?" Fishy asks, "You look a little uncomfortable....with these two."
I blush and see him smiling wickedly.

He must be stopped....

Friday, 18 December 2009

The morning after, revelations and evidence

You know it is not going to be a good day when:
  • You wake up on your sofa with a stiff neck and aching body
  • The hangover is killing you
  • You have to shower with one arm in the air so as not to make the watch that is
  • stuck on your wrist wet
  • The floor is still spinning.
Okay strategy I think. I am always late to work so today I will arrive early. that will prove that I am not hungover and didn't do anything wrong. I quickly throw on some makeup - red nose is now covered up and make my way to work.

Outside the building I am filled with the urge to run like hell and call in sick. Probably not a good idea I decide so make my way in.

It is 8:45am so there is only Ethan and May in the office.

May greets me politely but looks distracted and Ethan shouts "Morning." Enthusiastically and offers me a cup of tea.
They are both being so normal I relax a bit

"So how are you feeling this morning?" Ethan asks
I blush,
"Fine fine." I lie
"So did you guys stay late?" He asks me, "Ted and I left about half ten"

Relief - he and Ted weren't there. Maybe no one actually saw us.
I blush and say, "I have someones watch stuck on my hand, can you help me get it off."
Ethan laughs, "Yeah here you are kid. Hope you didn't do anything stupid."
I blush and he gives me a hug

I begin to relax when Fishy comes in smirking.
"Morning all," He calls, "Kate you're on time? I thought you would be still sleeping it off."
I blush but say in my most sober and professional voice "No I am feeling great this morning thanks."

I am a very bad liar.

Fishy smirks, "So looking forward to the awkward moments between you and Simon?"
Ethan looks up.
I blush and say "I don't remember anything that would be awkward."
He laughs and says, "Want the visual, we got bored so took a video."

Oh shit!

Ethan looks torn between amusement and sympathy and I can feel myself going purple. Must control this blushing.

"Although," Fishy continues clearly enjoying my squirming, "I think it will be even more awkward between Simon and Rob."
"Whys that?" Ethan asks as I sink into my seat.
"Rob hit him," Fishy says "Apparently he felt it was unfair to Kate that Simon already has a girlfriend."

Er WHAT???

Wednesday, 16 December 2009

Party, alcohol, and pubs we are no longer welcome in

So to recap the bad influences, me Andi, Rob, Laura, Simon, Ted and several of the journalists have been drinking since midday and now moved our way into a nearby pub.

After a few more vodkas I notice it is geiting dark which I find very funny. I also realise I need the toilet and for some reason can't stop laughing on the way.

As I return from the toilet I run into Rob.
"Having a nood gight?" I ask in an attempt to be coy. Unfortunately the slurring might give me away
He laughs, "The night could be better" OH my God...... he is actually moving towards me.

You know when you do something that is a really bad idea but your brain only seems to engage half way through... Is there a polite way to ask someone to remove their tongue from your mouth? Or at least stop trying to lick your tonsils

"I think I should get back to the others." I say once I have reclaimed my mouth
He winks and says "I knew it"
I roll my eyes "Get over yourself" and stomp off. And fall over a bar stool. Ouch

So is kissing Rob worse than stacking it in a crowded pub?

I decide the best way to distract myself is to go and talk to Simon and Fishy who are right in the middle of all the other office people. Simon and I start chatting and I decide I want to wear his watch. He lets me wear it and I make him wear my bracelet. We both giggle at this and he gives me a hug.

I actually think I could fall asleep just lying on his shoulder.

Unfortunately I don't. I am not sure how but somehow I end up kissing Simon.

Proper full on passionate kissing for about ten minutes before the sounds of applause stops us

Oh Shit. SHIT

I think we got everyones attention.

We both blush and Simon wanders off to the bathroom.

Andi comes over and asks if I am okay? I say I am fine and I think I will leave soon. I look at the watch on my hand stunned. It is eleven - how did it get so late.

Suddenly a shout makes me look up and I see Simon and Rob being forcibly evicted from the pub. The landlord gestures to us - "you lot out as well". He barks. "And don't bother coming back"

Well we made an impression.

Now the big question.... tomorrow at work how am I going to live this down?

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

Christmas party, alcohol tears and unexplained objects next morning

So how can you tell if it was a good office party? I think mine was - here is the evidence:
  • I wake up on my sofa in last nights clothes
  • I have a hangover
  • Memory is sketching
  • What I do remember I am trying to block out
  • I seem to have a mans watch stuck on my wrist.Incidentally this does not make showering easy.
I think some rules I suggested were:
  • Don't drink too much
  • Don't demonstrate special skills - these include pole dancing putting my legs behind my head or speed of bra removal
  • Do not insult Ted. I have my appraisal next week - behave...
  • Don't flirt
  • Don't do anything stupid with Jamie or anyone else. (for a full list of rules visit here

Well Jamie is still sick so disappointing on the man front. He texts me and said he would be sorry to miss out and we would do something next week but... there goes my mistletoe moment.

Our party starts with a meal - nice sensible and civilised you might think. Wrong we start with a glass of champagne each. Rob Simon and I quickly steal and hide two of the bottles and pass extra under the tables. Andi notices and joins in.

We are then given wine with our meal and by the time it gets to dessert we are pretty.... happy.

At this point the secret Santa gifts are unwrapped. I won't go through all of them but highlights include Robs gift to Ted which was a Mexican bandit outfit. Ted rather drunk and red at this point immediately wears it and insists that we all call him Teduardo for the evening. I buy Rob a book of 101 cheesy chat up lines and an arse face towel. And Laura buys me a huge tray of chocolates.

After the meal we split into two groups - the sensible half and the bad influences. Guess which half I fall into? So Me, Simon, Rob, Andi, Ethan, Ted, Laura and a few of the journalists pile into the pub

After a few more glasses of wine and some tequila shots I am feeling decidedly dizzy. I have talked to ted for a while and I seem to remember telling him that nasal trimmers are just the thing for the modern man.
Is that my pay rise I seem slipping away....

I notice Rob and Laura talking and her suddenly bursting into tears. Andi and I exchange glances and follow. It turns out white wine just makes her teary. How funny I think and then see Andi start crying.

I am a bit shocked at all this crying and then to my horror tear up myself. Which turns into Andi Laura and I having a giggling tearful group hug which is interrupted by Simon and Fishy who both look terrified which makes me and Andi burst out laughing

Laura quickly dishes out cigarettes to herself and Andi. She is about to offer me one when Simon gives me one.

He actually lights it for me and then gives it to me which i find pretty cool and gives me his coat to keep warm.

To be continued .... it was a long night.....

Wednesday, 9 December 2009

Fishy, phobias and I must get revenge

Simon and I have been covering the office in tinsel. Rob has been covering himself in mistletoe. Fishy is looking at us like we just escaped an asylum. And Jamie is sick. He called in today sounding like death.... nooo.

Fishy is ... interesting. He and Ethan seem to be getting on well. Ted is bustling with pride that some one would be willing to work with him after enduring a two hour interview. I feel this may speak volumes about the current job market. After a morning of hard work Rob is restless and has been picking on me about everything.

"Hey can you come over here?" He calls
I sigh, Rob has literally covered his desk in mistletoe.
"I don't think it is safe." I say.
"He grins, "I took the bunch out of my trousers."
"Yes you did." I say "And we all saw the crabs scuttling away on your desk."
Simon laughs and we give each other slightly awkward smiles.

Rob wanders off clearly annoyed at not being the centre of attention and Fishy gives me and Simon a weird look.

"Is he coming back?" Fishy asks after a few minutes, "He is supposed to be training me."
He's probably toilet" Simon says and we both laugh again.
When Rob returns I say "Were you wanking in the toilet again Rob? We talked about that before."
He laughs and comes over to my desk putting his arms around me so his hands rest on the desk surface.
"You know you'll be lost without me."
"Yes but the men will have to use less air fresher." I retort.
Rob laughs and goes back to his desk and I go to type

And notice a the huge spider he has left my desk..

Which is moving towards me


I back out of my chair screaming and Rob virtually wets himself laughing.

Fishy joins in the laughter and Ethan seems to be torn between laughing and disapproving.

I refuse to go back to my desk until Ethan has taken the spider outside (I won't let him kill it)

Simon gives me a hig and and helps me shift through all the papers to prove the desk is safe now.
"Sorry I didn't get rid of the spider for you" he whispers. "But I can't stand the things.

Unfortunately for Rob I am his secret Santa. At the party he will pay.....

Tuesday, 8 December 2009

Secret Santa and Fishy drinks

So last week was eventful highlights were:
  • Naked Ted pictures - instant diet remedy you will never want to eat again
  • Scary rabbits
  • Flashers
  • Vomit
  • Hand holding
These did not all happen at the same time but I can see why the connection could be made. But this week will beat it all because Thursday is our Office Christmas Party! An excuse to leave work at midday and drink until they throw us out! Of course I shall be remaining sober and I am not at all excited that Jamie is single.... No definitely not.

But first we have a new boy - Mr Jimmy Fisher aka Fishy (his choice)
Fishy is taking over from Rob at the end of December and Ted is fawning all over him.
"Fishy will bring a level of professionalism that this office is sadly lacking so far." He says looking at me and the sales boys sternly.
"I didn't think you were that unprofessional Ted." I say, "But you may need to work on your people skills.”
Ted gives me an evil smile,
"That reminds me evaluations and pay rises are taking place first week in January so I need to send forms to you."

Oh Crap – yes history has been made Ted has figured out how to shut me up

"So TEAM sales," Ted continues, "And Marketing " Simon interjects,
"Well anyway TEAM TED," Ted continues ,"We need to make a good impression on Fishy. He has great experience and a great CV. The only negative thing is...." WE all look up...
"Apparently he likes a drink a bit too much."
Ethan rolls his eyes, "Ted you told us to take him to the pub for a welcome lunch."
"Oh I know." Says Ted, "Just don't let him get drunk. And that reminds me - it's Christmas party on Thursday and we need to do an office Secret Santa. Who was in last today?"
Everyone laughs
"Right." Ted grins, "Katie you are officially in charge of the Secret
Santa, make sure everyone gets a name and make sure you include Fishy. And No cheating.."

Anyone else think it might have been nice to arrange this more than two days in advance?

Friday, 4 December 2009

How to discourage a flasher and single work mates!

So just for a change Rob, Jamie, Simon and I all go for drinks. I try to persuade Andi to come but she says she is going to go out with her boyfriend instead. I think she is avoiding Rob...

Rob takes us into a dark dank little pub right near Victoria Station and orders a round of tequila shots.
"What are we drinking to?" I ask
"Drunken women" Rob says.
"They'd have to be paralytic to go near you mate.” Jamie teases.
"Enough." Rob commands, "One, two, three."

Drinks 1-2

"So have you got a present yet for your girlfriend?" Rob asks Jamie smirking in my direction.
"No." Jamie says, "We actually broke up yesterday"
I look up…. Jamie is single? Is this my Christmas present?
"Seriously?" Asks Simon
"Yeah" Jamie replies, "It wasn't really working. Besides I have my eye on someone else."

He has his eye on someone else?? Act casual Kate ACT Casual

I try and ignore the slight blush I can feel and see Simon looking at me.
He says "I think you're in there Rob. You and Jamie make a lovely couple"
Rob laughs, "He wishes"
Jamie laughs, "On that note more tequilas?"

Drinks 4, 5 , 6……???????

Several tequilas later and I seem to have decided it is a good idea to demonstrate the fact that I can put my legs behind my head. Note to self this is not a good thing to do in public especially not when wearing a skirt. Classy Kate really classy – is this why I'm single?

Jamie has decided to go outside and throw up on the pavement and Rob seems to be so drunk that he doesn’t realise that he is feeling Simon up (who is sitting between us) not me. Simon seems torn between laughing and looking violated and is inching away from Rob as close to me as he can. I see Robs hand start stroking his knee and Simon jumps up nervously.

"Think I'd better get going" He slurs.

Rob and Jamie both murmur “light weiighsss” as we stagger out.

Simon and I jump and the train together and sit holding hands for a few minutes. I sort of think this is a bad idea but then the drunk part of me thinks it is a good idea.

As we arrive at Warren Street Simon realises he is going the wrong way and quickly jumps off. I can’t seem to stop giggling and carry on until someone sits next to me.
The train is empty so I find this a little odd but I am feeling sicker and sicker so I stare out of the window and try and concentrate on not throwing up.

Oh God, I think I am going to be sick.

Suddenly the man next to me taps me on the shoulder at which point two things happen.

1 - I realise he is exposing himself...
2 - As I turn around I throw up in his naked lap....

He jumps up and runs off the train at Kings Cross leaving a trail.
Gross - Yes.
Deserved - Maybe.
Am I relieved it wasn't a little old lady asking the time? Oh God yes

Wednesday, 2 December 2009

Christmas party sweepstake kisses and vomit

This morning I arrive late as usual to find Jamie looking shift and quickly hiding his computer screen from me.

“What’s that?” I demand
“Nothing.” He says
This is weird Jamie and Rob both look like they were caught with their hands in the cookie jar and Simon is blushing. Ethan looks half disapproving and Ted is nowhere to be seen.

So where’s Ted? I ask

Ethan laughs, “He has a hangover he’ll be in late.”
We all join in laughing

Poor Ted, he had a work event last night and was lecturing all of us on how to learn self control. Apparently he needs to learn this himself.

I offer to make tea and Simon comes to help.
“So what’s the chart?” ask him
Simon looks guilty. “What chart?”
“You are a worse liar than I am!” I say “I thought that was impossible.”
He blushes, “I promised not to tell.”
I do my best pathetic look much to his apparent amusement
“Please tell me?”
He shrugs,
“Christmas party sweepstake.”
The what?
“Sweepstake who will get drunkest throw up, hook up.” He avoids my eyes at the last part.
“Let me guess Rob?” I say

I march over to Jamie’s desk, “Show me the sweepstake now!”
He laughs “Simon cracked after five minutes? Damn I had thirty seconds.”
“Show me it right now or I will pour this hot tea on you.” I say
He laughs and opens up the screen.

Work Christmas Party Sweepstake Place your bets now
Who is most likely to hook up
Kate with Jamie/Rob/Simon
Andi and Rob/Jamie/Simon
Laura and Rob/Jamie
Ethan and Ted
Jamie and May

Most likely to get drunk and be sick first

So I have two questions should I be annoyed and who am I hoping to draw for my £2?