Robless office, snail murder and evaluations

Ever had one of these mornings where you are filled with regret - we seem to be experiencing one of them here.

So far between us we are guilty of:
One drunk managing to fall asleep on the train home
A lost mobile phone
One drunken kiss
One bag vomited on
One Rob walking off into the sunset
One snail stepped on accidentally
One case of tears after realising they committed snail murder

Busy night.

To start with Fishy - how the mighty have fallen. He is rather quiet and a little subdued about the previous evening.

"So did you make it home okay?" Simon asks.
Fishy looks a little embarrassed.
After some prompting by Ethan he admits he managed to fall asleep on the train home - miss his stop and when he did get off he dropped his phone on the train.
"Well just call your number." Ethan says, "Then whoever has it can hopefully leave it somewhere for you."
Fishy calls and we all listen. He explains rather sheepishly that he lost his phone and looks momentarily horrified.
"Whats up?" Simon asks.
Fishy looks at his feet and the admits, "He asked me to please not fall asleep on him this time."

Ethan laughs, "Well it could have been worse - Simon managed to throw up all over his bag."
"Ew." I say, "Nasty."
Simon blushes, "Thought you agreed not to share that." He says.
Ethan laughs, "I like being the only one who can hold their drink."
Fishy looks up, "So what else happened?"
"Kate killed a snail." Simon says.
"Shut up." I shout
"Do you remember crying over it for ten minutes." He says, "And then making up a song you called lament to a squashed snail."
I make a face at him.

"Right tea round!" I say.
"Remember we have a meeting in an hour to discuss your performance." Ted calls
"Don't make me do the dance of joy." I shout back.
"So are we going to talk about Friday?" My workmate asks...

EDIT - After requests I am adding what I remember of lament to a snail... it goes to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody
Simon... I just killed a snail
Why don't I look before I tread? Now that little snail is dead.
Snail just a little chap,
But now I've gone and squashed you all flat
Snail oooooh
Didn't mean to make you die
This is a rough version of the original. It was probably very slurred.....