Thursday, 4 February 2010

Robless office, snail murder and evaluations

Ever had one of these mornings where you are filled with regret - we seem to be experiencing one of them here.

So far between us we are guilty of:
One drunk managing to fall asleep on the train home
A lost mobile phone
One drunken kiss
One bag vomited on
One Rob walking off into the sunset
One snail stepped on accidentally
One case of tears after realising they committed snail murder

Busy night.

To start with Fishy - how the mighty have fallen. He is rather quiet and a little subdued about the previous evening.

"So did you make it home okay?" Simon asks.
Fishy looks a little embarrassed.
After some prompting by Ethan he admits he managed to fall asleep on the train home - miss his stop and when he did get off he dropped his phone on the train.
"Well just call your number." Ethan says, "Then whoever has it can hopefully leave it somewhere for you."
Fishy calls and we all listen. He explains rather sheepishly that he lost his phone and looks momentarily horrified.
"Whats up?" Simon asks.
Fishy looks at his feet and the admits, "He asked me to please not fall asleep on him this time."

Ethan laughs, "Well it could have been worse - Simon managed to throw up all over his bag."
"Ew." I say, "Nasty."
Simon blushes, "Thought you agreed not to share that." He says.
Ethan laughs, "I like being the only one who can hold their drink."
Fishy looks up, "So what else happened?"
"Kate killed a snail." Simon says.
"Shut up." I shout
"Do you remember crying over it for ten minutes." He says, "And then making up a song you called lament to a squashed snail."
I make a face at him.

"Right tea round!" I say.
"Remember we have a meeting in an hour to discuss your performance." Ted calls
"Don't make me do the dance of joy." I shout back.
"So are we going to talk about Friday?" My workmate asks...

EDIT - After requests I am adding what I remember of lament to a snail... it goes to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody
Simon... I just killed a snail
Why don't I look before I tread? Now that little snail is dead.
Snail just a little chap,
But now I've gone and squashed you all flat
Snail oooooh
Didn't mean to make you die

This is a rough version of the original. It was probably very slurred.....


  1. Ooh! Was it Jamie??? :D Also, that sucks about the snail :(. I probably would have cried, too.

  2. Ooh, what happened on Friday? Or will happen?

    Sounds like you have a fun but crazy work life! I'm jealous.

  3. I heard that snails hold a grudge. That one's family will be gearing up for a counter-attack by now. It might take a while, though.

  4. I just love how you leave everyone hanging at the end of each "episode" Kate! Good stuff...

  5. Poor snail! Never mind, its not like you did it on purpose and you did invent a song to lament it so that's OK! Can't wait for the next post.

  6. It's just trying to get that 'crunch' sound out of your head!

    Rapunzel x

  7. OMG, you're FUNNY!! So glad I found you. Thanks for the laugh!

  8. Haha... this is a great post. I fell asleep on the bus once. Was I EVER disoriented when I woke up! Triple embarrassing because I live in a small town, know everyone, and TALK in my sleep. *facepalm*

    Sorry to hear about the snail. I probably would have cried too. But the way I figure it... you felt remorse... you even wrote a song... you're good with the universe. ;o)

  9. Oh you clever clever girl!! That was hilarious!!!

  10. Who did the kissing? Was it you as you tried to give the squished snail the kiss of life?

    Kate x

  11. You know what, i too would have cried if i had killed a snail and that's without being drunk! I wish you could post the lyrics to 'Lament to a squashed snail.'

    What's happening on friday? Date perhaps? Who kissed who? I'm intrigued...

  12. Oh poor snail. I hate it when that happens.
    I must admit I do find it confusing that your workmate is called Fishy. I hope it's not the same one who's been romancing Rapunzel..

  13. I'm with Lou. I want to see the lyrics to the drunken snail song...

  14. Oh my poor snail! Now who kissed whom or is that who? Whatever I can't wait for details, we need more details!

  15. I think we need a music video of lament to a squashed snail.

    Seriously, this office would make a great serial. Even better than "The Office." Both versions. And I love both versions.

  16. Poor snaily... but it must have been his time...

  17. One bag vomited on? I hope it wasn't a nice purse!!!!

  18. The Fishy anecdote was hysterical.

  19. I lost a lot of stuff, some of it important after some wild parties, I learned to loss-proof my essentials ahead of time when I'm partying.


  20. Bohemian Rhapsody - but of course!! Naturally in your slurred state you decided on one of the most difficult songs to re-work :D (one of my all-time faves too though)

  21. You remind me about the only part of what I loved about working in an office. I love your posts! I have something for you over at my site. Come and get it!

  22. That's hilarious that you actually did go back in and edit it to a tune! :)

  23. Snail + Murder = Snurder.

    Poor, poor gastropod!

  24. LMAO! I am seriously crying over your snail song!

  25. ...crying over snail...but the song is really good!!! I know a guy that knows a guy...wink

  26. Rebecca Knight - All will be revealed - it was a drunken moment...

    Lifebeginsat30ty - Crazy for sure!

    Miss. Ardeth Blood - I'm a murderer!

    TheUnwashedMass _Scary thought. I could have orphaned snail babies :(

    Tara - Thanks :)

    Happy Frog and I - The lament of a crushed snail :(

    Rapunzel - I know I am still cringing

    Anything Fits a Naked Man -Thanks hopefully see more of you Mr Naked

    Picture Imperfect - Eeek thats sounds baaad.

    Aurora - There is only one :)

  27. Just telling it like it is - Aw you made me feel loved - thanks :)

    Plentymorefishoutofwater -And I thought you were my friend!

    Kate -Ew no - it was crushed plus I don't want to kiss snails or frogs...

    Lou - You might regret that. I edited

    Keren David - I actually named him in honour of Fishy. I change everyones real names here so he is part homage to Mr Jimmy

    Hunter - You guys are going to regret that!

    Sparkless - Soon but the song is up

    Joshua - Ha ha the youtube version of the snail song. It could be number one!

    Kristy - I know :(

    The Boob Nazi - A man bag so no!

    Ms. Anthropy - Thanks

    TS Hendrik - Jimmy or the office guy - so confusing!

    Secretia - Good plan

    carma - I really don;t know why - it seemed like the right song at the time

    Kat - Oooh thanks - coming over!

    blueviolet - It was always to the tune. I just decided to leave my shame at the door!

    Richard @ The Bewildered Brit - Snurder. Still sounds bad!

  28. Thank you for dropping by,ah poor snail, it might have been very old.

  29. People often vomit in your posts! LOL!

  30. Ah, a work leaving night . . . you just can't beat it!

    And your song . . . effin' HILARIOUS!

  31. And there's still the evaluation to come. Joy!

  32. Good read ,Kate!,Hillarious!
    Oh poor little snail!Edit ~snail brillant!
    Have a lovely weekend!
    Betty xx

  33. I do so enjoy your definition of a busy night!!

  34. Hello! I think your blog would make a great reality show. Or perhaps a movie.

  35. We're all safely tucked up in bed by eight on our work nights out. Even our own beds.

  36. The song had me in stitches! Really enjoyed this post.

  37. Well done, Kate. Your Ode to a Squashed Flat Snail was perfectly written.

  38. Did you kiss the snail and then kill it in a moment of drunken regret?

  39. Your snail lament song is just about the greatest thing I've ever heard. Sounds like something I would have done. Drinks make everything sing-songy.

    Much love,
    AC @

  40. A new description of your blog for you: like my love affair with Mad Men reimagined as a postfeminist column in The Independent.

  41. I think a candlelit remembrance service for the snail is called for. I shall flick through 'cathedrals' in the Yellow Pages and let you know where I end up booking.

  42. If you can't bitch and moan about life with your friends at work, then who CAN you bitch and moan with?

  43. that is one lament to a squashed snail. love it! so what was that one drunken kiss?

  44. Bobby- You too :) I hope so - poor snail :(

    otin - True - the amount of vomiting is quite disturbing. I blame the office

    P - Work leaving dos so fun at the time so painful afterwards

    Sarah - Just posted!

    Betty - I know I'm a snurderer :(

    My name is PJ. - It's a creative definition....

    Soda and Candy - I just want someone prettier than me to play me!

    Sir Thomas AKA (Winters Reaper)- Thanks

  45. ...and you say you don't write poetry! ;)

  46. Ooohhhh I LOVED the SNAIL poem :D o mean RIP Mr.Snail. hilarious :D

  47. The snail thingy sounds like lyrics out of a giantess story, kinky trample types :P

  48. hahaha i make up songs when I'm drunk too