Office punches - well almost

Ted strikes again!

On a slightly hungover Monday morning I try to sneak in inconspicuously. (Fifteen minutes late isn’t that bad right?) As I arrive I hear raised voices. I poke my head around the corner and see Jim storming out.

"Okay... what's going on?" I ask.

Andi tells me. Apparently Jay and Ted arrived this morning and mentioned that they felt the office was too relaxed on things such as lunch breaks, timekeeping (I blush) alcohol consumption, (I blush again) and the general attitude.

So this morning Ted proudly presented a white board entitled:

Office Conduct - rules of a happy hardworking office.

• Lunch hour is one hour only no exceptions.
  
• Employees must not return to the building smelling of alcohol.
  
• If employees have a drink at lunchtime it should be a glass of wine with a meal not more.
  
• Employees should aim to arrive at 8:45am. I ask whether they will aim to pay us for those extra fifteen minutes but no one seems to know.
  
• The phone is for strictly work calls only.
  
• No immature practical jokes in the office.
  
• Staff should not form personal relationships with each other.
  
• Staff must make sure they are smartly dressed at all times
  
• The phone MUST be answered by the second ring
  

I look at the sign for a moment. Have I accidently gone back to school without realising it? Yes we do take long lunches when we have smashed all our figures for the week - last week we went 30K over budget - surely thats a good thing? And none of us ever leave until at least 6pm when we are only paid to stay until 5:00pm Jamie’s response to this is to suggest we all go to the pub at midday to spend a few hours discussing. I agree but before we go I quickly add a note to the list.

• All employees must raise their hands and ask before going to the toilet. We will tolerate no exceptions.

I'm not going to help his opinion of me as disrespectful am I?

Welcome to me office I talk like moron

Recently I have been attending our weekly meetings with Jay, Andi, Jim and Kay. These meetings are pretty much a guaranteed cure to insomnia. My idea of a meeting would be, "here are certain topics - lets discuss them". Jays idea seems to be "My voice sounds great I am sure everyone wants to spend their entire Friday afternoon listening to it.

Andi and I have taken to being a bit silly in the meeting. Jay has a sense of humour lack so we are trying to be subtle. It includes bringing a large scented candle to the meeting, pass the cough but these only last for so long.

Until we hit jackpot - the bingo bollocks.

Basically we hand out bingo cards to all of the unfortunate attendees with some of his more irritating phrases on. We all pay a £ and the person with a line wins. If no one wins the money gets rolled over.

My bingo card today contains:

Modus Operandi

360 degree thinging

Pushing the Envelope

Moving Forward

Heads Up

Singing from the Same Hymn Sheet

Wish me luck - the cash could be mine!

Warning - working in media may cause insanity

The next day when I arrive there is a girl looking rather nervous outside the office. I smile and ask her if she is okay and she replies her name is Jane (wow we love J's in this company) she is starting work today for a publishing company but no one has given her a card to get in. She was told to arrive at half eight and has been waiting half an hour.

Oh dear. Jane looks horrified as if she expected this company to be in some way professional. I smile and show her upstairs - fourth floor and the lift is broken. I notice her becoming more and more worried and try to put her at her ease.When we get upstairs I show her the toilets and tea and coffee making facilities and introduce her to Jay.

Poor Jane spends at least an hour having to smile and nod sweetly while Jay waffles on at her. Sorry Jay but I don't think gray, skinny and full of crap is her type.

Jane emails me asking if there is any chance of going permanent. I email back saying I have no idea but she should talk to Andi who is doing the real recruiting. At Robs instance I also ask her if we are likely to get paid this month. I also worry about her sanity if she wants to go permanent - has she not just spent an hour with Jay? So far today she has been abandoned outside the office, had to listen to Jay and had a stack of books knocked on her. (Smooth Jack real smooth)

The day picks up though when Jim sick of all the sales calls decides to have some fun. We were looking at moving offices a few months back and we have been getting endless calls since then.Jim decided then next victim that calls is getting psycho Jim. We are all intrigued at this point.

The phone rings and I transfer it to Jim and motion to the others to list. Jim puts it on loud speaker

Telesales: Hello, is this Jim?

Jim: (In faux posh Jay tones) Yaaah

Telesales: (starts his sales pitch)

Jim: Old Macdonald had a farm ei ei o

Telesales: Excuse me?

Jim:With a baaaaaa baaaaa here and a baaaaaa baaaaa there

Telesales: Shall I call at a more convenient time?

Jim: Baaaaaaaaaa

Telesales: I'll take you off our list.

Do you have to be mad to work in media or does media make you mad?

Another member of staff runs away screaming

Today I am don't go straight to the office - instead I spend the morning at a conference. Jim has informed me I am now in charge of our media partnerships and bringing marketing materials to them. So I head off to a five star hotel instead of my usual dingy office. Oh it's a tough life!

The conferences themselves are boring as hell but I love the venues. The last one was in the Hilton by Mayfair. I arrive drop off some business cards and brochures and chat to a few of the delegates over the coffee break. After they all go back inside I eat more than my fair share of ginger biscuits and figure I should head back to the office.

On my way out I check that no one is looking and steal a plate of biscuits. See I can be marriage material. I didn't steal the plate by the way - just all the biscuits so my theft is not too grand!

I arrive back and dole out biscuits to the office who seem more amused the impressed but they still happily eat the biscuits. May tells me the latest news - Chip has vanished! Without even saying goodbye. Apparently Jim, Andi and Jay have been in Jays office most of the day and he is making an announcement later. Kay is worried - her and Chip have always been close - and she knows his boyfriend has been putting pressure on him to move back to Ireland.

Suddenly we all hear the sound of Jay's office door opening. We all scramble back to our desks and open appropriate documents to pretend we were working. Jamie picks up his phone and fakes the end of a sales call thanking them for their interest in out products. I smirk as he winks at me.

"Good afternoon all," Jay proclaims, "I have an announcement about some staff changes, as some of you might know Chip has sadly had to leave us quite suddenly as his girlfriend is ill and I am now recruiting for a replacement."
Girlfriend I think and try not to giggle. Does Jay not understand? Bless
Jay puffs himself up and starts speaking about having a new young and dynamic team.

So more interviews in the office then? Oh joy?