Ted updates me on Arthur and I am a bad employee

Ah the meeting with Arthur. Ted says we need to have a chat this afternoon.

Unfortunately I remember some of my ideas included:

• Suggesting we had more attractive people on the covers of our magazines and books. I seem to remember I also went into a ten minute rant about mullet man feature last week
  
• Making Ted dress up as an piece of fruit once a week
  
• Making a few reader quizzes with decent prizes rather than just subscriptions to our stuff. Yes I think those were my actual words.

So I am pretty nervous when Ted takes me into the meeting room.

He clears his throat importantly and says" "Arthur has spoken in depth to Jay about you."
I blush and try to look innocent and wrongfully accused.
Ted looks at me oddly, "Are you all right Katie - you looked a bit deranged."

Oh God I think - stop looking deranged. I can feel myself getting redder and I know I am doing a weird scary starry smile.
"I'm fine." I stammer looking at the floor and trying to stop myself turning into a human tomato.

"Anyway," Ted says clearly deciding being alone in a room with a crazy woman is a bad plan. "Arthur was hugely impressed by your ideas and enthusiasm. So much so he wants you to join our management meetings."

Arthur was impressed I think utterly stunned. Was he drunk too? Then I realise what Ted has said. Management meetings. I look up in horror. These are the most boring meetings in the history of the world

"Are you sure?" I say "I mean I'm not very.....management type."
Good one Kate
"Yes." Says Ted glaring, "Believe me it's not my decision."
"So do I have to do anything?" I ask nervously.
"Not much Ted says, "The occasional presentations, take notes and try not to be a smart ass.You might want to practise that. Extensively."

I hate him.

Teds back, sock rows and bad news....

So to recap last week was an unqualified disaster. I think I hit a whole new level of stupidity in how not to get promoted - achievements included:

• Not making Jamie jealous 
  
• Making a complete idiot of myself in front of date who actually turned out to be very sweet - I now have to go to a different coffee shop 
• Getting drunk before meeting the important shareholder
  
• Kicking the printer so hard I think I might have broken a toe
  
• Arson at Zizzi’s
  
• Following the arson incident admitting what happened on the date to the guys.... who laughed
  
• Then splitting an entire tub of cheer up cookies and cream ice cream with Andi. The ice cream was a cheer up present from Rob. Very sweet but I am still plotting revenge for the G&T's
This week must do better must be professional and aloof and not embarrass self. Today is starting off badly. For one thing Ted is back and blustering around. I arrive (late as usual 9:20 – not too bad….) to find Ted and Ethan having a blazing row.

“But the smallest thing could make a difference to the sale” Ted insists. Ethan sighs clearly trying to remain calm, "Well how about if I don’t make a sale we can ask them afterwards if the four-leaf clovers are the reasons for not signing? I think it is unlikely don't you?" Ted frowns "Ethan it is just we have to convey an image of complete professionalism and your socks are frivolous" "Well the clovers on my socks must be bring me luck." Ethan retorts "Seeing as I am top of the sales board again."

Ouch. It is very unlike Ethan to ever lose his temper or be anything but nice and friendly even to Ted but I can see his point. Ethan is one of the best salesmen. In fact they all seem to have very high figures. Except Ted that is....

After they calm down I settle myself onto some promotions and pretend that I arrived on time. Ted and Ethan are gathering up their belongings when as Ted leaves he says, "Oh Kate that reminds me I need to talk to you about your meeting with Arthur." Arthur is the shareholder.... the one I met whilst a drunken idiot. Oh crap

Simon says... stay of execution and a date!

So Simon was offered the job!

Ted rang his recruitment consultant this morning and said how impressed he was by this young mans demeanour. Not to mention the other one ran away screaming eh Ted?

Simon for some unknown reason has accepted and is joining us on Wednesday next week. True to form we have immediately organised welcome to the team drinks for Wednesday lunch. Even better as Ted is on holiday Tuesday and Wednesday next week.

It was also a good day as I ended up not having to do my presentation in the dreaded management meeting. To explain why this is so scary once a month every Friday all the managers which include Ted, Jay, Andi and May have an all day meeting with one of our shareholders.

It tends to go on until past five and at lunchtime Andi emerges and begs each of us in turn to either poison shoot or incapacitate her so she doesn’t have to go back. I also hate giving presentations. This week though they were so busy there wasn't time for a marketing presentation. The shareholder is popping in Wednesday afternoon to meet me so I can give it to him one to one. So bets on whether I can do this without screwing it up? Or blushing?

And I have a revenge flirting plan. Jamie is still going on about his new girlfriend constantly... but I have a date. Every week I go and grab a coffee at about 11am. For the last month a guy called Tim has been chatting to me - he works in the area and has been pressing for a lunch date. So I am going out with him next Thursday. Take that Jamie.

Right off for Jacks leaving do - must make sure I mention the date.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Never give parents your work number

The first Monday since Jim finished. Sigh. Ted is officially in charge now and so far so bad

I arrive in the office (9:20am) and sneak inconspicuously towards my desk. If I tiptoe no one will notice I am late. Jamie rolls his eyes when he sees me.

Still I don't think Ted noticed. In fact he doesn't appear to be here, nor does Andi. "They are in a meeting with Jay." Rob says guessing what I was thinking. I hate it when he does that.
"What is the meeting about?" I ask
"Timekeeping." Rob says and then bursts out laughing.
"I hate you." I say blushing.

I go up and make tea for the group. It's my penance for being late.

When I get back to me desk Jack Ethan and Rob are crowded around it playing with me phone. It is now on loudspeaker and no one can seem to change this. Great.

At that point my phone rings - I shush the guys so I can sound professional on my call.

"Good Morning Small Anonymous Publishing company, Kate speaking" I say in my best posh voice
"Cactus! Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy Birthday dear Katie happy birthday to you!" Sings my dad down the phone.
Oh God I think I might die.
"Er thanks Dad." I say, "But it’s not my birthday today it's Emma's" (my sister)

Note to self - giving parents your work number is a bad idea.

Welcome to me office I talk like moron

Recently I have been attending our weekly meetings with Jay, Andi, Jim and Kay. These meetings are pretty much a guaranteed cure to insomnia. My idea of a meeting would be, "here are certain topics - lets discuss them". Jays idea seems to be "My voice sounds great I am sure everyone wants to spend their entire Friday afternoon listening to it.

Andi and I have taken to being a bit silly in the meeting. Jay has a sense of humour lack so we are trying to be subtle. It includes bringing a large scented candle to the meeting, pass the cough but these only last for so long.

Until we hit jackpot - the bingo bollocks.

Basically we hand out bingo cards to all of the unfortunate attendees with some of his more irritating phrases on. We all pay a £ and the person with a line wins. If no one wins the money gets rolled over.

My bingo card today contains:

Modus Operandi

360 degree thinging

Pushing the Envelope

Moving Forward

Heads Up

Singing from the Same Hymn Sheet

Wish me luck - the cash could be mine!