Ted updates me on Arthur and I am a bad employee

Ah the meeting with Arthur. Ted says we need to have a chat this afternoon.

Unfortunately I remember some of my ideas included:

• Suggesting we had more attractive people on the covers of our magazines and books. I seem to remember I also went into a ten minute rant about mullet man feature last week
  
• Making Ted dress up as an piece of fruit once a week
  
• Making a few reader quizzes with decent prizes rather than just subscriptions to our stuff. Yes I think those were my actual words.

So I am pretty nervous when Ted takes me into the meeting room.

He clears his throat importantly and says" "Arthur has spoken in depth to Jay about you."
I blush and try to look innocent and wrongfully accused.
Ted looks at me oddly, "Are you all right Katie - you looked a bit deranged."

Oh God I think - stop looking deranged. I can feel myself getting redder and I know I am doing a weird scary starry smile.
"I'm fine." I stammer looking at the floor and trying to stop myself turning into a human tomato.

"Anyway," Ted says clearly deciding being alone in a room with a crazy woman is a bad plan. "Arthur was hugely impressed by your ideas and enthusiasm. So much so he wants you to join our management meetings."

Arthur was impressed I think utterly stunned. Was he drunk too? Then I realise what Ted has said. Management meetings. I look up in horror. These are the most boring meetings in the history of the world

"Are you sure?" I say "I mean I'm not very.....management type."
Good one Kate
"Yes." Says Ted glaring, "Believe me it's not my decision."
"So do I have to do anything?" I ask nervously.
"Not much Ted says, "The occasional presentations, take notes and try not to be a smart ass.You might want to practise that. Extensively."

I hate him.

Job interviews and scoring 6 out of 5

The two interviewees - just to recap there was Simon the sweet and nice guy who seems a little shy and Janice the louder of the two who seems good fun but has the worlds most annoying laugh.

However, Janice clearly didn't like the look of us as she left after just one glass of wine and said she wanted to "Go spend time with her real friends." Ouch.

As the night went on Ted was being his normal incredibly annoying self - insisting Simon spends five minutes chatting to each of us individually as an informal interview. Simon rolled his eyes at this but took it well.

I go and take my five minutes of Simon time after Ted bribes me with another drink. I hate it when Ted is smart.

I awarded Simon a point system during the interview - not for the purposes of hiring him but just whether I thought we'd get on. His score is below

"Hey Simon I'm Kate." I say
He smiles and says, "I feel like I've gone speed dating or something which is weird as you are the first female I've gotten - do you think I should ask for my money back."
I laugh.
"So on a scale of one to ten how bad has this interview been?" I ask
He laughs again "Well crap but I have been brought five beers. Unfortunately I get the feeling Ted still expects me to be making sense."
"Yes he has weird ideas about thing like that." I admit.
He looks around surreptitiously and whispers, "My first interview lasted two hours and the first hour was just Ted telling me about his own CV. I felt like thanking him and saying he had the job."
"An hour of his CV? And you came back? Why?" I ask.
He blushes and says sheepishly, "My recruitment consultant told me there would be free drinks."

I like him!

How I scored points :

• Being cute - 1 point
  
• Being cute enough that I saw Jamie look annoyed when we were talking - HA - 1 point
  
• Making fun of Ted - 1 Point
  
• Making fun of Ted again - 1 Point
  
• Admitting he only came to the interview for free drinks - 1 Point
  
• Blushing - 1 Point

Alcoholic interviews part one - One vodka and tonic later

Well to kick things off with a flying start Ted invited both candidates along at the same time. I knew he couldn't get it right for very long.

“Er you didn’t want to keep them separate?” I ask. Rob raises his eyebrows at this.
“No.” Says Ted, “I thought it would save time and money to do it all in one go.”
“But don’t you think they might feel a bit awkward knowing they are both competing for the same job?” Rob asks tactfully.
Ted frowns and the looks up brightening. “We could sell it like X factor, competing for one spot.”

What planet does this man live on?
Rob and I exchange dubious looks.
“Ted this is a junior sales position not a record contract.” I point out gently

Ted looks confused. “And?”
“God were you out for pizza when tact was handed out?” I say.

I know he is my boss and I should not lose my temper but.... the man is an idiot. I roll my eyes and turn to Rob who is laughing
Rob nudges me and says “Er Kate you were probably out when they were giving us tact too.”
“Yeah but at least I stuck around for brains rather than asking for excess nasal hair.” I retort.

Note to self - before making mean remarks about your boss - check said boss is not standing right behind you. Luckily I am saved by one of our interviewees arriving. A rather scared looking young guy who seems shyer than I would expect a sales guy to be. Seconds later the other candidate turns up, a girl who seems quite fun and outgoing but laughs like Janice from friends.

Who do you think we should vote?

Man trouble and blind drunk interview techniques

Today has not been good. I should have stayed in bed.

Things that make a bad Tuesday:

• Running out of tea bags without caffeine I am neither pleasant nor useful)
  
• Falling over when getting off the bus
  
• Ripping stockings in said fall and having to spend £7 on new ones
  
• The fact that I made myself bleed in the fall
  
• The lack of sympathy from my workmates
  
• Ted looking at me and saying "You look TERRIBLE Kate."
  
• Jamie's new girlfriend

I know I shouldn't be jealous. We are just friends. Who flirt and text occasionally thats it. But he is being so annoying. If I hear one more word about his hot date tonight I might accidently spill tea on him.

I decide that revenge flirting is promptly needed. I consider calling Chris the sweet journalist. Then I remember my last attempt at flirting with him nearly lead to a restraining order.

I sigh - maybe this is a good thing I can stop having mixed feelings for a colleague and yet knowing I should not act on it. It will be a good thing. This is a good day. Then just when I perk up one the elastic in one of my stockings promptly snaps. Making a noise. While I am wearing a short skirt.

Yes having hosiery fall off your leg must be as bad as it gets...

"Katie?" Ted calls "Did I tell you that you need to give a presentation in the meeting on Friday?"

Kill me now...

Miracles can happen - Ted does something good!

I mentioned a few entries back that Jack was on probation. Well Jack has now found another job paying him 5k more and is buggering off at the end of the week. Nice one Jack!

In light of this Ted has been panicking about being a salesman down and is finally doing some serious interviewing. Between this and our planned office move happening next Friday work has been well and truly relegated

Ted has been interview various people to replace Jack and hearing his opinions is hilarious. The first "Young chap" he interviewed was "Very green, not at all what we need in a fast paced company."
"But I thought he was interviewing to work here." I respond
"Do you have listed on your CV under special skills being a complete smart arse Kate?" He says but with a grin.
"Better smart than dumb" I say.
Ted laughs. "I think I'm calling that one a draw Kate." He says.
"Spoken like a true loser." I tell him. I know I am pushing it but he is in a jolly mood as he has found two potentials so I think I can get away with what he calls "The banter"
I won't correct him and call it "the truth.

Ted has asked Jamie to come and help on the interview process but Jamie is a bit worried about losing all his sales. With Jack on the way out he still needs to hit his targets if he is going to buy us all a drink (He lost a bet with Rob)

Ted suggest that perhaps a good way of seeing if the potential candidate fits in is taking him and us to the pub after work one night. And buying all our drinks until 8pm

The man is a genius! First office/pub interview is tomorrow evening.

Office punches - well almost

Ted strikes again!

On a slightly hungover Monday morning I try to sneak in inconspicuously. (Fifteen minutes late isn’t that bad right?) As I arrive I hear raised voices. I poke my head around the corner and see Jim storming out.

"Okay... what's going on?" I ask.

Andi tells me. Apparently Jay and Ted arrived this morning and mentioned that they felt the office was too relaxed on things such as lunch breaks, timekeeping (I blush) alcohol consumption, (I blush again) and the general attitude.

So this morning Ted proudly presented a white board entitled:

Office Conduct - rules of a happy hardworking office.

• Lunch hour is one hour only no exceptions.
  
• Employees must not return to the building smelling of alcohol.
  
• If employees have a drink at lunchtime it should be a glass of wine with a meal not more.
  
• Employees should aim to arrive at 8:45am. I ask whether they will aim to pay us for those extra fifteen minutes but no one seems to know.
  
• The phone is for strictly work calls only.
  
• No immature practical jokes in the office.
  
• Staff should not form personal relationships with each other.
  
• Staff must make sure they are smartly dressed at all times
  
• The phone MUST be answered by the second ring
  

I look at the sign for a moment. Have I accidently gone back to school without realising it? Yes we do take long lunches when we have smashed all our figures for the week - last week we went 30K over budget - surely thats a good thing? And none of us ever leave until at least 6pm when we are only paid to stay until 5:00pm Jamie’s response to this is to suggest we all go to the pub at midday to spend a few hours discussing. I agree but before we go I quickly add a note to the list.

• All employees must raise their hands and ask before going to the toilet. We will tolerate no exceptions.

I'm not going to help his opinion of me as disrespectful am I?

I am really impressing my employer- is that the sack I see approaching?

I really need to learn to follow these basic lessons. My boss is annoying but I do not want to get fired.

Therefore this is a list of things I will no longer be doing....well maybe.

Do not after turning up half an hour late claim you were there all day and your boss "simply didn't take the time to notice my existence which I find deeply wounding."
Ted replied "Kate not only is that inappropriate it suggest a possible lack of respect for me."

On being told you show a possible lack of respect for your boss do not - I repeat DO NOT correct said boss with the statement. "No it wasn't not a possible lack of respect it was a definite lack of respect."

Do not manage to wear two shoes that while relatively similar in colour have about an inch and a half difference in heal size. When others notice this it is hard to find any explanation for this extreme blondeness

If you do make the mistake above do not spend half an hour rigorously defending it as a style choice. No one was fooled and if you are prone to blushing you will then get called red Kate all day (as in Ken)

Do not sulk about being laughed at - try to storm off and then fall off said shoes. Spectacularly.

Do not ever admit to weird phobias these will be used against you. Ted seems to have decided that I am mentally challenged due to the occasional squeaks from my desk I stupidly told Rob earlier about my crippling fear of rabbits. Cue the sales team sending pictures of rabbits to me all day causing me to leap up and demand they delete the nasty picture. They also keep singing "Bright Eyes" at me - not obviously scary but singing talent is lacking... (Note to self do not tell them about the spider fear)

There are many other stupid things I could put down here but one thing I did learn was don't give away all your secrets in one go.

Anyway today we are all going to the pub. The sales team seem on the verge of rebellion and after today I need a drink!

I don't think my boss likes me....

Oh Ted..... the poor man doesn't help himself does he.

Well Ted has settled in further by having a blazing row with Jim in the middle of the office. Apparently Jay has decided Ted is his number two. Jay does not help matters by referring to Ted in front of us as his eyes and ears.

Oh Jay way to inspire trust. What you think we all have two hour lunches every Friday and spend the afternoon pissed regularly? Er actually bad point forget that one....

So we all have our meetings with Ted and some of us duly bring along CV's (all the people who have not passed probation yet so me, Rob, Jack, Evan and Joe) the others (Andi, May, Jamie) pointedly refuse.

In my meeting Ted takes me to a wine bar. I feel a little nervous and opt for a saintly sparkling water. Ted asks me about my previous marketing experience. I blush and try to exaggerate my suitability for my job.

"So you haven't got any marketing qualifications or direct experience as such" Ted observes. I blush further and mention all the related campaigns I assisted on. Luckily for me Ted seems easily distracted by his old company. I flatter him asking about the Directors phew! I try not to think "band camp" I must make a good impression.

After my rather uncomfortable hour is finished in which he asks me if I am planning to have children any time time and I make the rather inappropriate response of "Why are you offering to assist?"

I don't think he likes me...

New boss and how not to fire someone

Introducing Ted.

He is in his forties and gives the impression of being pompous. Within five minutes we have already nicknamed him Mr Motivator by his ability to sap any energy and enthusiasm out of the room.

So the big question - what the hell has been going on while I have been away? Well first I appear to have left my desk unattended and lost it. I am now moved into accounts where Jane used to sit.

Jane has disappeared too. I grab Jamie in the corridor. "I'll tell you at lunch time." He promises, "The new world pub."

I begin to pick up my rather pathetic personal effects. A few note pads, a rubber banan that Jamie gave me and a pink fluffy pen.No more being silly with the boys then.

I meet Jane's replacement, a rather wary looking woman called Laura. Laura smiles at me rather nervously and says she is glad someone else will be joining her here. She has been here two days and feels like she has been cold shouldered already because of Jane.

I ask her what happened and with a quick glance around to make sure no one is listening she tells me.

Jane arrived in as normal last Wednesday and Laura was already there having been asked to come in by another agency. Laura had been told to go and sit in Jane's old desk which she did but then Jane arrived and was confused. Jay then called them both and Ted into his office and said "While it's bene lovely having you here Jane we've decided we need a little more experience so Laura will be taking over after today and you'll be training her."

Laura tells me how Jane looked close to tears and decided to leave early.

I fume - yes Jane was a temp but what a disgusting way to treat someone. The MD of our company could be called tactless idiot. Or as I am going to say a complete wanker.

Monday and a wardrobe malfunction.

My choice of top today bad idea. It seemed okay this morning but as the afternoon has progressed I am feeling more and more self conscious. It is just a shirt but it actually cuts pretty low. This was a bad choice of outfit for the meeting with the big boss i.e. Jay.

Also for some weird reason after visiting the pub with the boys at lunch my top seems to be slipping lower and lower. This is not going to be one of my better days.

Note to self check for visible underwear before leaving the house. Very important
Plus if there is danger of visible underwear perhaps do not wear a bright red bra. Idiot idiot idiot idiot.

All I need. Jay has this nasty smirk whenever he speaks to any female anyway. Icky and creepy all in one pile of tall skinny overly gelled back pacakge. Score Jay.

Still it could be worse. Andi makes me feel better by telling me about the time she split her trousers in front of everyone. I try not to laugh and fail miserably. I love Andi. Besides I have no reason to feel down - this is my last day for a week. It is my birthday next week and I am celebrating by going to Paris. Jamie asks me to send him a French letter. I giggle and try to act demure. Must stop this shameless flirting.

Blogger note:

In case anyone was wondering as my last few posts seem to be breast obsessed it is not that kind of blog by the way although very amused at the people who finding me through google spiders saying topless office. I bet you were disappointed. And guys just to burst your bubble a little more I am a 30A. Are we all crying now?

Working? Thats for minions!

As I am now back in the office one thing becomes clear. As Chip is no longer here to do all of the accounts and listen to Jay whine (I am not sure which one he was valued higher for) we are going to need someone else. In fact Jay casually mentions he should really try and find the time to sort this out before payday so someone is here to do payroll. He seems unconcerned by this and says he will let us know if it will be more than a few weeks late.

Jamie, Rob, Jack (the monotone American remember him) and I all exchange horrified glances. Ethan calmly says to Jim as soon as Jay is out of hearing range that he is going to need to be paid on time. Jim smiles at our horrified faces, "Don't worry Jay lives on another planet - I will remind him his staff work here for money not just because they are so honoured to work near his Lordship."

There is a grain of truth in this Jay is pretentious to the point that he honestly seems to believe we should all be kissing the ground he works on for the privilege of being near him. Jim goes to his office and after almost an hour emerges. "Right Andi," He says, "Jay does not have time to find a temp so he has asked you to."

Andi rolls her eyes and picks up the phone.

Printers hate me! My first marketing campaign

Oh yes - when I arrive this morning I am offered a book and told I should write a letter and get it ready to send all by my self! Woo actual responsibility and direction.  I happily write the letter and spell check it about twelve times before arriving at Jay's door. Ha - see I am important without me there would be no letter!

I am clearly a total moron. As if Jay would let me do that - as I finish he asks to see my letter and then adds so much red pen I really needn't have bothered. He then reminds me to "Be a good girl and bring it back once all my amendments have been made so I can check."

Any touches of personality in my letter have been scrupulously removed and it now smacks of pretension. Past caring I  print the letters. All 5,000 of them. I feel rather horrified as they build up on my desk. Oh shit - it is repeating the same letter - quick cancel cancel cancel!
Okay deep breath - I try again

Success it is printing!!! Then suddenly it jams. Oh crap! I kick the printer a few times and look around helplessly. I notice Jamie and Rob looking at me with amusement. Jamie takes pity and unjams the printer for me

Noooooooo it has gone back to the beginning.

Why why why would it do this?? That is over 1,000 letters I can't even use!

I take a deep breath and start again. Right I can do this. Fine print.

Oh God - this time the mail merge seems to have mucked up - it is saying dear

Cancel cancel canel -okay it has stopped - phew!

I try and look nonchalent as I collect the letters

Jamie and Rob have clearly noticed my monumental cock up - both are laughing at me. Great just great.

I set about hiding 7,000 wrong letters in various bins.

Oh God - my signature didn't print - I have to sign 5,000 letters.

Did I do something bad in a former life? Is this Karma? I decide to take up the boys offer of joining them for a drink - I could use a vodka or twelve.

No pants today - things are looking up

I feel like cheering or cracking open the vodka! The week that I left my underwear in the middle of the office is drawing to a close.  I survived the next days with minimal talking and no one has said anything. Although Rob  was singing the thong song yesterday and smirking. I think it was just a coincidence though....

I am getting there though - really - I am now a fully fledged marketing executive and I am learning. I even came up with some proper marketing strategies and ideas. Okay they were rejected by Jay pretty much without even listening to them but he promised to, "consider these ideas in the future certainly."

He did however call me good girl. Is there a way to discourage this I wonder?

As I think this about this Jay arrives - I smile in a professional manner - the manner of one who should definitely not be called "Good Girl"

"Kate?" He summons. I look up brightly with an air of steely professionalism.

Jay gives me a patronising smile before saying brusquely, "Be a good girl and make me a cup of tea."
I fume - right that's it - I'm spitting in his tea.

I wonders if Jay is as annoying in bed as he is in the office. My head fills with unpleasant images - the precise gray curls on his head and ... well you get my drift. I wonder if he shouts,
"Strewth!" or "Gosh" or "Jolly good show."

Do you know what - that's a visual place I do NOT want to explore.

Apparently marketing exec = general skivvy.

I feel as though I am settling in - with the help of google I am beginning to learn how to do this job. However I seem to have two tiny little problems.

The first one goes by the name of Jay. Remember him skinny, gray, kind of annoying talks like the queen, talks a lot of crap  and owns the company. Yeah.... him  I am beginning to get used to a cry of:
"Kate, could you please go to reception and fetch my visitors." Comes a "frightfully" posh voice..."And make them teas and coffee."

It isn't just me - May gets called for this too as does Jack. So it can't even be called sexism. I think it is just called thinking he is far too important to make his own sodding tea ism. Is that an ism? Anyway I digress problem 2 - Dave.

Dave is beginning to scare me. Constant taunts about how crap this place is and some stand up rows over pay with Jay. (I wonder if perhaps he is just annoyed that his name doesn't contain a more prominent ay sound but apparently this is frivolous and not funny) I know it is mean but I can't wait for him to leave. I am sick of his glaring and general moodiness. Luckily for me it is his last day on Friday and he and the sales guys celebrate by going out at midday and not returning until 3pm completely plastered.

This again is partially my own fault - like a moron I volunteered to cover the phones. I actually figured they would suggest we took in turns so I could join but no they seemed delighted again. Hmmm must stop volunteering for things I don't want to do.