Another member of staff runs away screaming

Today I am don't go straight to the office - instead I spend the morning at a conference. Jim has informed me I am now in charge of our media partnerships and bringing marketing materials to them. So I head off to a five star hotel instead of my usual dingy office. Oh it's a tough life!

The conferences themselves are boring as hell but I love the venues. The last one was in the Hilton by Mayfair. I arrive drop off some business cards and brochures and chat to a few of the delegates over the coffee break. After they all go back inside I eat more than my fair share of ginger biscuits and figure I should head back to the office.

On my way out I check that no one is looking and steal a plate of biscuits. See I can be marriage material. I didn't steal the plate by the way - just all the biscuits so my theft is not too grand!

I arrive back and dole out biscuits to the office who seem more amused the impressed but they still happily eat the biscuits. May tells me the latest news - Chip has vanished! Without even saying goodbye. Apparently Jim, Andi and Jay have been in Jays office most of the day and he is making an announcement later. Kay is worried - her and Chip have always been close - and she knows his boyfriend has been putting pressure on him to move back to Ireland.

Suddenly we all hear the sound of Jay's office door opening. We all scramble back to our desks and open appropriate documents to pretend we were working. Jamie picks up his phone and fakes the end of a sales call thanking them for their interest in out products. I smirk as he winks at me.

"Good afternoon all," Jay proclaims, "I have an announcement about some staff changes, as some of you might know Chip has sadly had to leave us quite suddenly as his girlfriend is ill and I am now recruiting for a replacement."
Girlfriend I think and try not to giggle. Does Jay not understand? Bless
Jay puffs himself up and starts speaking about having a new young and dynamic team.

So more interviews in the office then? Oh joy?

No pants today - things are looking up

I feel like cheering or cracking open the vodka! The week that I left my underwear in the middle of the office is drawing to a close.  I survived the next days with minimal talking and no one has said anything. Although Rob  was singing the thong song yesterday and smirking. I think it was just a coincidence though....

I am getting there though - really - I am now a fully fledged marketing executive and I am learning. I even came up with some proper marketing strategies and ideas. Okay they were rejected by Jay pretty much without even listening to them but he promised to, "consider these ideas in the future certainly."

He did however call me good girl. Is there a way to discourage this I wonder?

As I think this about this Jay arrives - I smile in a professional manner - the manner of one who should definitely not be called "Good Girl"

"Kate?" He summons. I look up brightly with an air of steely professionalism.

Jay gives me a patronising smile before saying brusquely, "Be a good girl and make me a cup of tea."
I fume - right that's it - I'm spitting in his tea.

I wonders if Jay is as annoying in bed as he is in the office. My head fills with unpleasant images - the precise gray curls on his head and ... well you get my drift. I wonder if he shouts,
"Strewth!" or "Gosh" or "Jolly good show."

Do you know what - that's a visual place I do NOT want to explore.

My new job - I survive the first few weeks

The new job continues and I survive! I make tea, I listen to conversations I smile and I try to fit in. At no point do I find out what the hell I am supposed to be doing but so far no one seems to have noticed. My boss returns from Switzerland buys me coffee and tells me to read the publications.

He also seems to get drunk a lot - apparently there is a boy bonding session every Wednesday, Thursday and Friday lunchtime. I somehow get stuck answering the phones a lot of the time when these are happening I am not quite sure how.

I try to bond with the two women in the office but they both work from home a lot. May is nice to me though when she is in and even draws me a map of where to go for lunch. I found all these places on my first day but it's nice to be nice so I think her.

I also begin to bond with Chip our resident American and very gay accountant. He is funny and extremely sharp. I find my rather sarcastic sense of humour challenged and we quickly establish a friendship based upon mutual piss taking. Maybe I can fit in here.

On my third day two new sales men start - neither cute unfortunately (what are the odds?) One is American with the complete inability to put any expression into his voice. If he came in and said the worlds was being invaded by giant rabbits (I have rabbit fear okay?) it would still seem dull. The other Fred is quiet. So quiet in fact that we don't notice after his lunch when he doesn't return and it takes two days until we realise he hasn't been seen since Wednesday.

After some investigation we find his letter of resignation sitting on his former desk and discover all of the blue biros have vanished.

What a great company this is......

My weird new co-workers and bodily functions

After what feels like hours pass and I seriously considering hurling myself out the window to escape Stee who obviously now feel comfortable enough to fart loudly at me. Just as I am mentally forming a resignation letter in my head a few more people arrive.

The first man is less than reassuring - he stomps in glares at me and sits down without a word. Lets call him Dave. Dave is a salesman and clearly angry about something. I wonder if perhaps it is because he is prematurely bald. If I were bald in my twenties I might be angry too.

I bite my lip and wonder if I have somehow pissed him off by existing. Don't be paranoid Kate, I think to myself. Clearly he hasn't even noticed you exist. It is true Dave ignores me and goes and sits at his desk.

After Dave I am relieved when May shows up. She seems friendly. May is a Australian and brusque to the point of being rude. Still she introduces herself - shakes my hand - smiles at me and more importantly than any of this shows me where the toilets are and makes me a cup of tea. I actually consider kissing her on both counts - I am at this point severely caffeine deprived and frankly bursting. Had I be waiting much longer I would be ready to come out and declare myself May's bitch. Which while she is nice she is not entirely my type.