Welcome to me office I talk like moron

Recently I have been attending our weekly meetings with Jay, Andi, Jim and Kay. These meetings are pretty much a guaranteed cure to insomnia. My idea of a meeting would be, "here are certain topics - lets discuss them". Jays idea seems to be "My voice sounds great I am sure everyone wants to spend their entire Friday afternoon listening to it.

Andi and I have taken to being a bit silly in the meeting. Jay has a sense of humour lack so we are trying to be subtle. It includes bringing a large scented candle to the meeting, pass the cough but these only last for so long.

Until we hit jackpot - the bingo bollocks.

Basically we hand out bingo cards to all of the unfortunate attendees with some of his more irritating phrases on. We all pay a £ and the person with a line wins. If no one wins the money gets rolled over.

My bingo card today contains:

Modus Operandi

360 degree thinging

Pushing the Envelope

Moving Forward

Heads Up

Singing from the Same Hymn Sheet

Wish me luck - the cash could be mine!

No pants today - things are looking up

I feel like cheering or cracking open the vodka! The week that I left my underwear in the middle of the office is drawing to a close.  I survived the next days with minimal talking and no one has said anything. Although Rob  was singing the thong song yesterday and smirking. I think it was just a coincidence though....

I am getting there though - really - I am now a fully fledged marketing executive and I am learning. I even came up with some proper marketing strategies and ideas. Okay they were rejected by Jay pretty much without even listening to them but he promised to, "consider these ideas in the future certainly."

He did however call me good girl. Is there a way to discourage this I wonder?

As I think this about this Jay arrives - I smile in a professional manner - the manner of one who should definitely not be called "Good Girl"

"Kate?" He summons. I look up brightly with an air of steely professionalism.

Jay gives me a patronising smile before saying brusquely, "Be a good girl and make me a cup of tea."
I fume - right that's it - I'm spitting in his tea.

I wonders if Jay is as annoying in bed as he is in the office. My head fills with unpleasant images - the precise gray curls on his head and ... well you get my drift. I wonder if he shouts,
"Strewth!" or "Gosh" or "Jolly good show."

Do you know what - that's a visual place I do NOT want to explore.

Pretentious posh boss aka total moron

Hooray I think when uber posh CEO arrives.

Seriously in my interview with this guy I wanted to start talking about how frightfully marvelous tea and scones were of an afternoon. I have a bad habit of unconsciously mimicking other people's accents. I am well spoken at the best of time - next to this guy I sounds like I am mocking the queen. Which I do like to do with some regularity however - lets save that for later.

The CEO - lets call him Jay looks around sees me and says, "Kate. You're here. Good." He looks at me for a second with a glance that makes me feel immediately like a bug. I have this horrid feeling he is wondering why the hell he hired me and probably thinking that he must have been higher than a kite. (He was actually but I still think he made a wise choice)

Lets describe him for you - he is a sex God - well actually no unless grey hair with a lot of gel is your thing. Hey I don't judge...

He then says "Well I am sure the team have you all settled in my now." then promptly buggers off. Without a second glance. Feeling more than a little abandoned I amuse myself by spinning my chair around.

Then May helpfully comes over and tells me my boss is in Switzerland until Wednesday with one of the salesmen and the women who will be training me will be in a 11am.

Fantastic! I waste the day looking at various websites and waste £15 on a pair of shoes off ebay. And I got paid for shoe shopping - maybe this is the perfect job for me I think.