Miracles can happen - Ted does something good!

I mentioned a few entries back that Jack was on probation. Well Jack has now found another job paying him 5k more and is buggering off at the end of the week. Nice one Jack!

In light of this Ted has been panicking about being a salesman down and is finally doing some serious interviewing. Between this and our planned office move happening next Friday work has been well and truly relegated

Ted has been interview various people to replace Jack and hearing his opinions is hilarious. The first "Young chap" he interviewed was "Very green, not at all what we need in a fast paced company."
"But I thought he was interviewing to work here." I respond
"Do you have listed on your CV under special skills being a complete smart arse Kate?" He says but with a grin.
"Better smart than dumb" I say.
Ted laughs. "I think I'm calling that one a draw Kate." He says.
"Spoken like a true loser." I tell him. I know I am pushing it but he is in a jolly mood as he has found two potentials so I think I can get away with what he calls "The banter"
I won't correct him and call it "the truth.

Ted has asked Jamie to come and help on the interview process but Jamie is a bit worried about losing all his sales. With Jack on the way out he still needs to hit his targets if he is going to buy us all a drink (He lost a bet with Rob)

Ted suggest that perhaps a good way of seeing if the potential candidate fits in is taking him and us to the pub after work one night. And buying all our drinks until 8pm

The man is a genius! First office/pub interview is tomorrow evening.

Workmates with girl trouble and too much tequilla

Time for the updates on last night and the biggest revelation - Rob has a sensitive side. Seriously - who knew?

In all seriousness poor Rob is going through a really hard time. It turns out his on off girlfriend is now off for good. Apparently Rob realised she was waiting for him to commit to something serious. Realising he didn't feel the same way he decided his only option was to call it off. I mentally melted at this - bad boy with a sensitive side - focus Kate you are here to listen and be sympathetic.

I encourage him to keep talking and after a few more drinks Rob looks distinctly teary. I feel horrible I never realised he was going through such a bad time and whenever I see anyone cry it always makes me cry. I give him a hug and tell him that he did the right thing. If it was me I would rather he was honest - at least it would let me be free to get over him and find someone else.

He sighs and says he wishes he could love her and he has really tried to feel more than he does but can't. He asks me if I think he is too shallow and admits he doesn't think he has ever been in love and is worried he won't ever be.

"I'm thirty two." He says. "I should be thinking about settling down and having children. Is there something wrong with me?"

I feel so bad for him and I give him a big hug. I tell him he will find the right person and he has done the right thing.

Rob laughs self consciously and thanks me for listening to him - "I can't talk to many people" He admits.

I smile and tell him anytime although in all honesty I am not sure how great I am being. Occasional hugs and arm patting is about all I have managed.

Rob suggests we get more drinks in and when i get back from the toilet I find him with two drinks and a shot of tequila each. I get the feeling my reward for listening to him is going to be one hell of a hangover tomorrow

Never give parents your work number

The first Monday since Jim finished. Sigh. Ted is officially in charge now and so far so bad

I arrive in the office (9:20am) and sneak inconspicuously towards my desk. If I tiptoe no one will notice I am late. Jamie rolls his eyes when he sees me.

Still I don't think Ted noticed. In fact he doesn't appear to be here, nor does Andi. "They are in a meeting with Jay." Rob says guessing what I was thinking. I hate it when he does that.
"What is the meeting about?" I ask
"Timekeeping." Rob says and then bursts out laughing.
"I hate you." I say blushing.

I go up and make tea for the group. It's my penance for being late.

When I get back to me desk Jack Ethan and Rob are crowded around it playing with me phone. It is now on loudspeaker and no one can seem to change this. Great.

At that point my phone rings - I shush the guys so I can sound professional on my call.

"Good Morning Small Anonymous Publishing company, Kate speaking" I say in my best posh voice
"Cactus! Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy Birthday dear Katie happy birthday to you!" Sings my dad down the phone.
Oh God I think I might die.
"Er thanks Dad." I say, "But it’s not my birthday today it's Emma's" (my sister)

Note to self - giving parents your work number is a bad idea.

We take pity

I am having trouble typing this but I actually feel a bit sorry for Ted.

After his list of rules the mood in the office which since my little addition now has the following additions:

• Employees must bow when entering the room
  
• Smiling will not be tolerated
  
• Anyone found with chocolates will have to write fifty lines
  
• A school uniform must be worn at all times
  
• An office rabbit will be introduced

I am sure the last one was Rob. I hate him

I think it is safe to say the rules won't be enforced and Ted is looking glum despite his incredibly irritating tendencies I feel sorry for him. I think deep down there might be a nice person struggling to get out.

I chat to Jamie to see what he thinks. I tell him I feel bad for Ted and he openly laughs at me,
"Katie you would feel bad for a mass murderer if you saw them looking upset."
"But I feel bad for him." I protest. "Please? Please?"

Jamie rolls his eyes at me but smiles and even manages to get Rob on board. They decide to take Ted to the pub that evening and have a chat – just to try and help him fit in. I think this is a good idea and demand a full update in the morning. Jamie texts me at seven and says "we're still there - Ted is ok when you get him away from Jay"
I text back:
"See I was right! Ha! Remember Ted is still the boss don't not drink too much x"

He responds a few hours later with:
“Ted and beer and rob and me drinming. More fun with you there too xxx”

I feel partially flattered and partially worried. I hope he isn’t saying anything incriminating. My phone rings again at ten to midnight and I hastily cancel the call. I get a text saying “thinking of you Katie xxx”

Must not flirt with workmates. Must not!

I don't reply. Oh God tomorrow could be interesting...

Welcome to me office I talk like moron

Recently I have been attending our weekly meetings with Jay, Andi, Jim and Kay. These meetings are pretty much a guaranteed cure to insomnia. My idea of a meeting would be, "here are certain topics - lets discuss them". Jays idea seems to be "My voice sounds great I am sure everyone wants to spend their entire Friday afternoon listening to it.

Andi and I have taken to being a bit silly in the meeting. Jay has a sense of humour lack so we are trying to be subtle. It includes bringing a large scented candle to the meeting, pass the cough but these only last for so long.

Until we hit jackpot - the bingo bollocks.

Basically we hand out bingo cards to all of the unfortunate attendees with some of his more irritating phrases on. We all pay a £ and the person with a line wins. If no one wins the money gets rolled over.

My bingo card today contains:

Modus Operandi

360 degree thinging

Pushing the Envelope

Moving Forward

Heads Up

Singing from the Same Hymn Sheet

Wish me luck - the cash could be mine!

Working from home -injuries

Woo. I think working from home. I can nurse my hangover in the privacy of my darkened living room with lots of coffee. This is great. I wake up at exactly five minutes to nine and go to my computer and log on. This is rare for me I am actually on time - my computer clock says 8:59. I am a dedicated employee in early for work! Ha

After logging on and emailing as many people as possible so they can see I am actually working. I giggle at emailing them in pyjamas then promptly spill tea all down my top. Oh crap. I take a moments naughty amusement in topless emailing and the decide I should be more sensible.

My being sensible consists of making myself more tea. I also feel hungry. I so rarely eat junk food I figure I have earned a fried egg sandwich breakfast. See a definite advantage of not being at work - could I fry an egg there?

Ouch ouch ouch!

Have just been promptly reminded why frying topless is a very very very bad move. Clearly with no workmates to supervise me I become a danger to myself.

Good job I am back at the office tomorrow.

When the going gets tough go to the pub

I feel a bit sad for the rest of the afternoon. I like Chip and it would have been nice to have a leaving do and give him a proper send off.

May grabs me later to tell me the full story. Apparently Chip quit over three months ago but Jay refused to listen. Chip is quite mild mannered and sweet and incapable of standing up for himself. He has texted May to say keep in touch and sorry he had to leave so cloak and dagger but it was the only way to escape.

The guys suggest a quick drink this evening and I decide why not. It will be a bigger group than usual - for one thing Evan will be joining us. He is one of the older sales men - he is quieter and a lot less rude than Jamie, Rob and Jim, although thats not difficult. Andi is joining too so I figure why not be sociable - after all I am working from home tomorrow - yay!

After a few glasses of wine I am doubting whether this is such a good idea - for one thing I am carrying my laptop around and in my slightly tipsy state I am a little concerned as to it's safety. I think I should pass my three month probation period before losing my computer.

The guys decide we will all share the strangest place we have ever had sex. Jamie rather proudly admits he is a member of the mile high club. Rob is partial to the great outdoors and Andi once got chased away minus pants by an angry resident after her and her boyfriend were caught in the act. Evan is more coy - he is about to get married and feels it might not be polite to share such intimacies. However he does tell one of the rudest jokes I have ever heard so I suspect he will be fitting in just fine.

Nothing like a bit of good old work bonding...

No pants today - things are looking up

I feel like cheering or cracking open the vodka! The week that I left my underwear in the middle of the office is drawing to a close.  I survived the next days with minimal talking and no one has said anything. Although Rob  was singing the thong song yesterday and smirking. I think it was just a coincidence though....

I am getting there though - really - I am now a fully fledged marketing executive and I am learning. I even came up with some proper marketing strategies and ideas. Okay they were rejected by Jay pretty much without even listening to them but he promised to, "consider these ideas in the future certainly."

He did however call me good girl. Is there a way to discourage this I wonder?

As I think this about this Jay arrives - I smile in a professional manner - the manner of one who should definitely not be called "Good Girl"

"Kate?" He summons. I look up brightly with an air of steely professionalism.

Jay gives me a patronising smile before saying brusquely, "Be a good girl and make me a cup of tea."
I fume - right that's it - I'm spitting in his tea.

I wonders if Jay is as annoying in bed as he is in the office. My head fills with unpleasant images - the precise gray curls on his head and ... well you get my drift. I wonder if he shouts,
"Strewth!" or "Gosh" or "Jolly good show."

Do you know what - that's a visual place I do NOT want to explore.

Hi Office you are paying me but what do I do?

Ah the burning question which has still not been fully answered.

My boss's idea of training me consisted of here are the publications have a look through them and come up with a plan.

Right I think I can do this - I must first understand what the hell we are selling - then I can figure out how to promote - Get me - I'm figuring out marketing all by myself!

I look at the clock after reading through the products and am stunned. I expected it to be at least next Tuesday. Right so I work on magazines that make time stand still. How to promote? It's a thinker.
Product 1 - For bankers and other such people - it's dull and online
Product 2 - It's dull and online and in print and it looks like it was designer when dinosaurs were still living - my grandfather would think this looked uncool. Would it hurt them to add some colour? Looking at the design is a good cure for insomnia though...
Product 3 - For lawyers advising rich morons. You've guessed it - it's dull.

So I google - yeah it's cheating but only if they find out and there are lots of articles with helpful ideas I can pass off as my own. Possibly slightly unethical but quite a lot of fun. I am also looking forward to the arrival of two new sales men. As far as eye candy goes there is only Jamie here and something tells me he might be trouble.We also have a new editor joining us soon.

Apparently there is a big welcome drinks next week for them all and me as well. I rather like the idea of this free alcohol and hopefully attractive men. I'll let you know how it goes. I am trying to maintain a vaguely professional image here (no falling asleep on the table, vomiting in public - you know the kind if thing)

Must not have more than two glasses of wine. Must not must not must not. I am the queen of willpower

Pretentious posh boss aka total moron

Hooray I think when uber posh CEO arrives.

Seriously in my interview with this guy I wanted to start talking about how frightfully marvelous tea and scones were of an afternoon. I have a bad habit of unconsciously mimicking other people's accents. I am well spoken at the best of time - next to this guy I sounds like I am mocking the queen. Which I do like to do with some regularity however - lets save that for later.

The CEO - lets call him Jay looks around sees me and says, "Kate. You're here. Good." He looks at me for a second with a glance that makes me feel immediately like a bug. I have this horrid feeling he is wondering why the hell he hired me and probably thinking that he must have been higher than a kite. (He was actually but I still think he made a wise choice)

Lets describe him for you - he is a sex God - well actually no unless grey hair with a lot of gel is your thing. Hey I don't judge...

He then says "Well I am sure the team have you all settled in my now." then promptly buggers off. Without a second glance. Feeling more than a little abandoned I amuse myself by spinning my chair around.

Then May helpfully comes over and tells me my boss is in Switzerland until Wednesday with one of the salesmen and the women who will be training me will be in a 11am.

Fantastic! I waste the day looking at various websites and waste £15 on a pair of shoes off ebay. And I got paid for shoe shopping - maybe this is the perfect job for me I think.

Day One: The new Girl

Good things:

I found the office and they even let me in- score!

Bad things:

Pretty much everything else – I feel like I have wandered into failblog. So far epic fail.

I am a little disconcerted when I arrive. There is only one other person there - a designer with interesting facial growth and a dubious odour - still I begin smiling widely.

He looks a little concerned - Oh dear perhaps my smile is actually crazed I try desperately to look nice and normal. To my horror he physically takes a step away from me looking horrified.

Nice one Kate scare off the office nerd.

"You must be the new person." He mutters unenthusiastically, "We haven't set your computer up yet". He then turns away and logs on to his PC ignoring me.
I bite my lip and glance around. They do know I’m coming don’t they?

The Designer (also known as Stee) is now watching porn and ignoring me.

I try to read a few of the magazines. Hmmmm legal crap and some financial rubbish wow this is fascinating.

I wonder if I should cut my losses and run the hell out of this place. Surely there will be better jobs… but I so wanted to do well. I bit my lip again -I am actualy bleeding now! Good start Kate!