Alcoholic interviews part one - One vodka and tonic later

Well to kick things off with a flying start Ted invited both candidates along at the same time. I knew he couldn't get it right for very long.

“Er you didn’t want to keep them separate?” I ask. Rob raises his eyebrows at this.
“No.” Says Ted, “I thought it would save time and money to do it all in one go.”
“But don’t you think they might feel a bit awkward knowing they are both competing for the same job?” Rob asks tactfully.
Ted frowns and the looks up brightening. “We could sell it like X factor, competing for one spot.”

What planet does this man live on?
Rob and I exchange dubious looks.
“Ted this is a junior sales position not a record contract.” I point out gently

Ted looks confused. “And?”
“God were you out for pizza when tact was handed out?” I say.

I know he is my boss and I should not lose my temper but.... the man is an idiot. I roll my eyes and turn to Rob who is laughing
Rob nudges me and says “Er Kate you were probably out when they were giving us tact too.”
“Yeah but at least I stuck around for brains rather than asking for excess nasal hair.” I retort.

Note to self - before making mean remarks about your boss - check said boss is not standing right behind you. Luckily I am saved by one of our interviewees arriving. A rather scared looking young guy who seems shyer than I would expect a sales guy to be. Seconds later the other candidate turns up, a girl who seems quite fun and outgoing but laughs like Janice from friends.

Who do you think we should vote?

I am really impressing my employer- is that the sack I see approaching?

I really need to learn to follow these basic lessons. My boss is annoying but I do not want to get fired.

Therefore this is a list of things I will no longer be doing....well maybe.

Do not after turning up half an hour late claim you were there all day and your boss "simply didn't take the time to notice my existence which I find deeply wounding."
Ted replied "Kate not only is that inappropriate it suggest a possible lack of respect for me."

On being told you show a possible lack of respect for your boss do not - I repeat DO NOT correct said boss with the statement. "No it wasn't not a possible lack of respect it was a definite lack of respect."

Do not manage to wear two shoes that while relatively similar in colour have about an inch and a half difference in heal size. When others notice this it is hard to find any explanation for this extreme blondeness

If you do make the mistake above do not spend half an hour rigorously defending it as a style choice. No one was fooled and if you are prone to blushing you will then get called red Kate all day (as in Ken)

Do not sulk about being laughed at - try to storm off and then fall off said shoes. Spectacularly.

Do not ever admit to weird phobias these will be used against you. Ted seems to have decided that I am mentally challenged due to the occasional squeaks from my desk I stupidly told Rob earlier about my crippling fear of rabbits. Cue the sales team sending pictures of rabbits to me all day causing me to leap up and demand they delete the nasty picture. They also keep singing "Bright Eyes" at me - not obviously scary but singing talent is lacking... (Note to self do not tell them about the spider fear)

There are many other stupid things I could put down here but one thing I did learn was don't give away all your secrets in one go.

Anyway today we are all going to the pub. The sales team seem on the verge of rebellion and after today I need a drink!

Welcome to me office I talk like moron

Recently I have been attending our weekly meetings with Jay, Andi, Jim and Kay. These meetings are pretty much a guaranteed cure to insomnia. My idea of a meeting would be, "here are certain topics - lets discuss them". Jays idea seems to be "My voice sounds great I am sure everyone wants to spend their entire Friday afternoon listening to it.

Andi and I have taken to being a bit silly in the meeting. Jay has a sense of humour lack so we are trying to be subtle. It includes bringing a large scented candle to the meeting, pass the cough but these only last for so long.

Until we hit jackpot - the bingo bollocks.

Basically we hand out bingo cards to all of the unfortunate attendees with some of his more irritating phrases on. We all pay a £ and the person with a line wins. If no one wins the money gets rolled over.

My bingo card today contains:

Modus Operandi

360 degree thinging

Pushing the Envelope

Moving Forward

Heads Up

Singing from the Same Hymn Sheet

Wish me luck - the cash could be mine!