Drunk at work, bad influences and meetings

So I decide to solve my co-worker crush by going to the pub with Rob, Ethan Jamie and Andi.
Very mature I know.

Rob laughs and says he wants to see if I do better with presentations when drunk. Must not drink too much I think as he brings me a Gin and Tonic. This is at midday my meeting is at 3pm. It will be fine.

Gin and Tonic number 1

Rob is probably right a drink will help the nerves when meeting the shareholder of our company I think. And Rob is being very sweet and keeps offering to get more drinks

Gin and Tonic number 2

Oh did I mention Ted is on holiday so there is no pressure to get back to work…

We begin chatting about various topics that I am going to suggest you keep out of your own office including:

• If Ted realises that we all steal his biros every time he gets a new one.
• If you cut off and ate your own arm (not taking bleeding into consideration whether you would weigh the same or less) I suggest less due to calories burned eating it.
• If you would rather lose a leg or never be able to have sex again
• If you would consider incest if your sister looked like Angelina Jolie.

Gin and Tonic number 3

I haven’t eaten today and I have had three G&T’s and feel very bad...

Ethan suddenly says “We’ve been over two hours we better get back to the office.”

There are groans all around and I try to stand up and realise the floor is moving. It seems very funny.

Ethan looks at me in horror – “How much have you had?”

“I’m not sure.” I say smiling, “Rob brought me drink to drink.” I laugh and fall over. Ethan rolls his eyes and says “He’s been giving you doubles you idiot”

Oops.

I end up being carried by Ethan back to the office. We meet May there who takes one look at me and starts yelling at Rob. I try to tell her not to be cross but can’t stop laughing.

The next half hour consists of Andi and May feeding me toast and coffee continually and by the time our shareholder arrives I can at least walk. Not sure I made a good impression...

Things I learnt today:

• Never let Rob buy you a drink
• Ethan is surprisingly strong
• May is wonderful in a crisis
• Instant coffee tastes like crap
• Men will commit incest if their sister is hot enough

Miracles can happen - Ted does something good!

I mentioned a few entries back that Jack was on probation. Well Jack has now found another job paying him 5k more and is buggering off at the end of the week. Nice one Jack!

In light of this Ted has been panicking about being a salesman down and is finally doing some serious interviewing. Between this and our planned office move happening next Friday work has been well and truly relegated

Ted has been interview various people to replace Jack and hearing his opinions is hilarious. The first "Young chap" he interviewed was "Very green, not at all what we need in a fast paced company."
"But I thought he was interviewing to work here." I respond
"Do you have listed on your CV under special skills being a complete smart arse Kate?" He says but with a grin.
"Better smart than dumb" I say.
Ted laughs. "I think I'm calling that one a draw Kate." He says.
"Spoken like a true loser." I tell him. I know I am pushing it but he is in a jolly mood as he has found two potentials so I think I can get away with what he calls "The banter"
I won't correct him and call it "the truth.

Ted has asked Jamie to come and help on the interview process but Jamie is a bit worried about losing all his sales. With Jack on the way out he still needs to hit his targets if he is going to buy us all a drink (He lost a bet with Rob)

Ted suggest that perhaps a good way of seeing if the potential candidate fits in is taking him and us to the pub after work one night. And buying all our drinks until 8pm

The man is a genius! First office/pub interview is tomorrow evening.

Here you are - sit next to me

So we are back to work - or at least some form of work. Sales calls are made, marketing letters are created, printers are kicked.

Everything with Jamie and Rob is back to normal or at least as normal as the pair of them ever get. They are closer than ever but they have started lots of new competitions. So far we have had the sensible who can get the most sales in that afternoon - an activity that Ted approves of greatly to who can fit the most scotch eggs in their mouth. That was pretty grim. There is talk of who can drink the most later on the week. That could be interesting especially as it is Ethans birthday tomorrow.

Ted meanwhile has spent the last few days making various new seating charts for downstairs with changes and amendments along the way. And absolutely nothing else.

"I've finally got a good seating plan." He tells me proudly. "What do you think."
"Very nice." I say unconvincingly while looking down at my work. I am totally swamped today and really don't have time for Ted.
Ted looks at me and says, "Come now Kate I want you to be 100% honest so I know everyone is happy."
I sigh, "You know it is never a good idea to ask me to be 100% honest Ted."
He looks irritated and snaps, "Just tell me what you think."
"Fine." I say. "I think this seriously took two days of work. It's a damn seating plan!"
I see his ears go a little red and him take a breathe.
"So you don't care where you sit then?"
"Not especially." I respond carelessly.
"Thats good." He says with an evil grin, "Because you and I are sharing a desk."

I can't believe it. Ted got me!

Welcome to the basement goodbye sun...

So we are moving office....

Ted emerged today puffed up and asked for complete silence as he had something of the utmost importance to tell us. (I think it rather spoilt the effect that Andi had told me and Jamie yesterday.)

"We are all moving to the basement except accounts and Jay. This move will allow us to have more space and will bring sales and marketing closer." I frown I rather like my position far enough away from Ted that I don't feel the need to kill him yet....

As Andi made me and Jamie promise not to tell anyone (I didn't - he told Rob) and act surprised I let out a loud gasp
work
Ted shouts me a glare - "Enough of the sarcasm thank you Kathryn"

Oops I may have overdone that and since when does he call me Kathryn?
Oh right.

After the nightmare that was my fathers phone call on Mondays revealing my childish nickname of Cactus we started talking about our names. Me and Rob are both only ever called our full names when we have done something very bad. Apparently Ted while not participating in the conversation was listening. Oops

I have been worried about Rob this week - he hasn't been his normal self - even messing with my phone on Monday doesn't seem to have made him as smiley as it would usually. Rob could charm the birds from the trees usually so it is strange to see him looking gloomy.

I email him and ask if he is okay.

He replies saying no and would I come for a quick drink with him tonight as he could use a friendly ear and decent listener. He asks that I don't tell Jamie and it is just the two of us.

This seems so unlike him - I agree immediately and hope I can help.

At the end of the day Jamie asks me what I am doing and I reply that I am not sure. He asks if I will be around for a drink nd I say no. Unfortunately I am a terrible liar and I think my flaming cheeks are giving me away. Luckily he leaves - a bit huffily and once the coast is clear Rob and I head to the usual place.

Thank God this week is over!

This has felt like a long and hard week but it is finally Friday – yay!

Not only was I too embarrassed to look one of my workmates in the eye after blatant flirting I decided to ward off any potential gossip was to flirt outrageously with one of the journalists. Smart move.

His name is Chris and well is he hot, single and famous?
Unfortunately not. He is a year older than me but looks twelve. Skinnier than me and painfully shy. He blushes even more than I do.

Perhaps I should have found someone more suitable.

Well my flirting attempts are such a success that Chris seems terrified to be around me, when he left the office and I said goodbye he backed away from me and I detected shaking.

Should I start Kate’s guide to repelling men? Apparently I’m a natural.
To make matters worse I am sure Rob and Jamie guessed exactly what I was up to and were not fooled. There was a certain amount of sniggering from their end of the office.

This afternoon once Chris has escaped I am feeling more relaxed. Even Ted seems cheerful and we all start chatting about plans for the weekend. Rob has been boasting non stop about his weekend plans with the latest conquest.
"The words too much information, mean nothing to you do they?” I comment.
Rob laughs and responds, "Too much information nothing. I'm all about the women, talk to them, take them out, treat them right."
I smile.
"Wow Rob that's great - maybe one day you'll be ready for a real girl rather than an inflatable."
He gives me a look, "Jealous Katie?"
"Oh sorry Rob." I say seriously, "But I like men..."

I am rewarded with a laugh from Ted and Jamie but I think Rob is plotting revenge. Note to self do not let him make me a drink.

Edit - apologies to earlier readers I accidently hit publish without having done my spellcheck. Oops!

When I get nervous I get even clumsier - run for your life!

Today reason not to flirt with workmates.

The morning after sending suggestive text messages you feel stupid. I have not managed to look Jamie in the eyes once today even when he made me a cup of tea. And I wasn't the one initiating things. And to make matters worse he seems to find my embarrassment really funny.

Feeling uncomfortable in the office makes me do stupid things. Case – I have fallen over twice today – once rather spectacularly down a flight of stairs landing in an undignified heap at Jay’s feet. Jay laughed at me. Lots. Bastard.

Blushing – if like me you are prone to going pink you will spend the entire day looking like a tomato.

Being distracted. I seem to be on planet blonde today. Laddered one of my stockings and walked around the office with only one on for an hour before Evan told me. Rob and Jamie are both still sniggering in my direction.

Rumours – one thing I do not want it to get a reputation or be gossiped about. Still I have thought of a cunning way to deflect suspicion. There is a journalist who works on one of our magazines coming in today. If I flirt with him then no one will suspect anything is happening with Jamie.
Which it isn't. It's a genuis plan.

Right drinking more caffine will put me at ease.

What could possibly go wrong?

All about my co-workers!

As things start here are the reoccurring players in this little drama. I will update this when needed.

Kate:
The star and heroine of the show. I am your omnipresent voice. Fearless and always right. Okay the last part is bollocks but you get the picture. I am in my mid twenties with long blond hair,  fond of shoes and prone to embarassing myself on a regular basis..

Jay
The CEO of the publishing company I work  in . Both very posh and very patronizing. He has called me "Good Girl" already. Hello do I look twelve? (actually don't answer that considering they asked for my ID when I brought a bottle of wine yesterday) Jay is  scary due to stubbornness - ability to fire me, total lack of empathy and inability to listen to anyone else's opinion. He has grey hair so styled it wouldn't move even in a hurricane and is tall and skinny. He wears designer clothes at all times and is fond of braces. Sadly it is true. He is in his mid forties

May
Australian Admin girl. Soon to be promoted to production manager. She is brusque and to the point. She has brown curly hair and somewhat overweight. She hates dirty jokes and thinks the salesmen are immature and annoying. She is in her early thirties but seems older as she is very mature. Surprisingly we do get along.

Andrea - known as Andi 
Admin manager from the Ohio originally but has lived in England for seven years and worked at this company for six of them. Works from home a lot but when she is in the office is slightly confusing - incredibly professional but more than capable of downing copious amounts of cider and being one of the boys. She has mousy brown hair and is slightly bigger than average but by no means fat.She is in her early thirties

Dave
Salesman with an axe to grind. Average height bald and in his late twenties.

Jim
My boss currently in Switzerland - this is the man who hired me and who will be mentoring me so I can become a brilliant genius in the world of marketing. Yeah right. Jim is funny and quite laddish making many rude jokes and fond of swearing. (So am I actually but am being on my best behaviour for the moment) He likes to laugh and enjoys a buoyant atmosphere. He is in his forties, greying hair and tallish and on the thin side. He is often seen with a "cheeky glass of wine"

Jamie
Another sales man. He is similar to Jim in some ways - likes a drink likes a laugh has quite a filthy sense of humour and likes to have fun. Clearly a bit of a ladies man as he seems to have several girlfriends on the go. Enjoys a pint and is easy going and relaxed. he is in his mid twenties with dark hair - with a bit of a curl and is of average height and build. Not bad looking and a definite flirt to any woman who isn't Kay.

Chip
The accountant - incredibly camp incredibly gay and incredibly sweet. In his twenties again with curly hair and olive skin. He and Kay are close and often disappear out together.

Stee
Graphic designer. Wears filthy jeans and has dubious body odours. If you can get past this he is actually very nice. Slightly on the chubby side and I am guessing in his late thirties.

Jack
The sales junior who is only able to speak in Monotone. One of the youngest as this is his first job since university. Jack is American with a southern drawl. He is on the short side with light brown hair. He clearly looks up to Jamie and is trying to impress him.

Evan
The new sales man who will be replacing the disaster that lasted only two hours. Quiet and consciousness he becomes one of the only sales men Kay can stomach. He is a good listener but can also be very good fun. Is getting married in a few months and seems slightly under the thumb but an all round nice man. Slightly on the chubby side he is in his mid thirties with light brown hair. He also seems very fond of blue socks

Rob
He is a new salesman who will be joining us shortly. He is rather young looking in the face and gives an impression of innocence. Do not fool for it - a close personal friend of Jim he is a practical joker and a terrible flirt with the ability to sell ice to Eskimos. Charm by the bucket loads and witty with a fondness for pints he is a force to be reckoned with. Jamie immediately idolizes him. Rob is in his early thirties and is tall and slim to the point of almost being skinny. Light brown hair and freckles and an infectious smile

My weird new co-workers and bodily functions

After what feels like hours pass and I seriously considering hurling myself out the window to escape Stee who obviously now feel comfortable enough to fart loudly at me. Just as I am mentally forming a resignation letter in my head a few more people arrive.

The first man is less than reassuring - he stomps in glares at me and sits down without a word. Lets call him Dave. Dave is a salesman and clearly angry about something. I wonder if perhaps it is because he is prematurely bald. If I were bald in my twenties I might be angry too.

I bite my lip and wonder if I have somehow pissed him off by existing. Don't be paranoid Kate, I think to myself. Clearly he hasn't even noticed you exist. It is true Dave ignores me and goes and sits at his desk.

After Dave I am relieved when May shows up. She seems friendly. May is a Australian and brusque to the point of being rude. Still she introduces herself - shakes my hand - smiles at me and more importantly than any of this shows me where the toilets are and makes me a cup of tea. I actually consider kissing her on both counts - I am at this point severely caffeine deprived and frankly bursting. Had I be waiting much longer I would be ready to come out and declare myself May's bitch. Which while she is nice she is not entirely my type.

Secret life of the office

So my secret office life - or perhaps more appropriately all the things I really got up to that should probably have got me fired.

Hi - my name is Kate and I am working in publishing. I do try and behave myself but tend to find not unlike Britney "oops I did it again" is a rather over-used phrase of mine. This blog is detail a few years of my life where I broke pretty much every office rule. And you know what - I had a damn good time doing it. And I wasn't the only one getting up to no good. So time to expose this little publishing company and everyone who worked there. Names are changed so no one tries to sue me but everything else is true.

Oh and boys and girls.... don't try this at home....

Bad things I have done already and the job starts tomorrow:

1) lied on my CV - my last job was not marketing assistant - in fact it was not even admin assistant

2) Pretended to know more than I do in the interview

3) Exaggerated my pay - hey it worked I used to earn 19K and they are going to pay me 22.5K fools!

So rules for success in the new job
Step 1 - Choose perfect outfit - need to look professional and yet approachable. Nice but not slutty. Professional and not boring. Cheap but not obviously - hey my salary for this role is 22,500 - Next is barely in my price range.

Step 2 - Be on time. Be on time Be on time. I will achieve this by A setting three alarms with varying levels of annoyingness. A sign next to be bed saying "Get up you lazy cow or you will be fired" will also assist.

Step 3 - Do not talk utter crap - listen and nod - everyone always thinks quiet people are hard working and serious

Step 4 - Do not sleep with any of your work mates.

This new company has about 20 employees when I join. I believe I will be the third woman to join. Must be one of the guys but not isolate the women.

I can do this!