New boss and how not to fire someone

Introducing Ted.

He is in his forties and gives the impression of being pompous. Within five minutes we have already nicknamed him Mr Motivator by his ability to sap any energy and enthusiasm out of the room.

So the big question - what the hell has been going on while I have been away? Well first I appear to have left my desk unattended and lost it. I am now moved into accounts where Jane used to sit.

Jane has disappeared too. I grab Jamie in the corridor. "I'll tell you at lunch time." He promises, "The new world pub."

I begin to pick up my rather pathetic personal effects. A few note pads, a rubber banan that Jamie gave me and a pink fluffy pen.No more being silly with the boys then.

I meet Jane's replacement, a rather wary looking woman called Laura. Laura smiles at me rather nervously and says she is glad someone else will be joining her here. She has been here two days and feels like she has been cold shouldered already because of Jane.

I ask her what happened and with a quick glance around to make sure no one is listening she tells me.

Jane arrived in as normal last Wednesday and Laura was already there having been asked to come in by another agency. Laura had been told to go and sit in Jane's old desk which she did but then Jane arrived and was confused. Jay then called them both and Ted into his office and said "While it's bene lovely having you here Jane we've decided we need a little more experience so Laura will be taking over after today and you'll be training her."

Laura tells me how Jane looked close to tears and decided to leave early.

I fume - yes Jane was a temp but what a disgusting way to treat someone. The MD of our company could be called tactless idiot. Or as I am going to say a complete wanker.

Hangover hell in my office, desk theft and quitting

Oh dear. I am having a nightmare. I am at work with a hangover.

This might not be so bad but I have just returned from my week in Paris and I am supposed to be working hard. Yes I should not have stayed out drinking until 4am last night. Definitely not. I try and walk upstairs slowly. I then realise I am not going to make it. With dignity left firmly in France I dash into one of the toilets and am promptly sick.

Smooooth Kate.

Okay I think I can do this. I can just be quiet and pretend I am really busy catching up. I won;t have to make contact or impress anyone - it will be fine. I am even early today so easy to slink in and quietly settle.

Good plan in theory but as I enter the office I realise something is very very wrong. My desk appears to have been claimed in my absence. Where my papers and spare perfume sits is an unfamiliar briefcase and some photos.

My stomach plunges making me want to go and vomit again. Did they fire me without me realising? I am blonde but surely not that blonde??

I am in the right office? Even I could have have walked into the wrong floor.... I walk out and double check my surroundings. Yeah there is is Anon Ltd on the door the same rather weird small that I think is actually Jay's posh aftershave but my desk "MY DESK" has been invaded.

I look around uncertainly as Jamie arrives "Oh you've seen have you" Jamie mutters to me gesturing towards my desk. Seen I think? Have I been fired? If so surely they could have done it in a more tactful way.

No Jim has quit!

Following a row with Jay Jim has decided to go to a rival company. I liked Jim and I certainly never saw this coming but why is there someones things all over my desk.

Jamie grimances at me - "Ted's" he says. "You'll see."


Top Stories

Monday and a wardrobe malfunction.

My choice of top today bad idea. It seemed okay this morning but as the afternoon has progressed I am feeling more and more self conscious. It is just a shirt but it actually cuts pretty low. This was a bad choice of outfit for the meeting with the big boss i.e. Jay.

Also for some weird reason after visiting the pub with the boys at lunch my top seems to be slipping lower and lower. This is not going to be one of my better days.

Note to self check for visible underwear before leaving the house. Very important
Plus if there is danger of visible underwear perhaps do not wear a bright red bra. Idiot idiot idiot idiot.

All I need. Jay has this nasty smirk whenever he speaks to any female anyway. Icky and creepy all in one pile of tall skinny overly gelled back pacakge. Score Jay.

Still it could be worse. Andi makes me feel better by telling me about the time she split her trousers in front of everyone. I try not to laugh and fail miserably. I love Andi. Besides I have no reason to feel down - this is my last day for a week. It is my birthday next week and I am celebrating by going to Paris. Jamie asks me to send him a French letter. I giggle and try to act demure. Must stop this shameless flirting.

Blogger note:

In case anyone was wondering as my last few posts seem to be breast obsessed it is not that kind of blog by the way although very amused at the people who finding me through google spiders saying topless office. I bet you were disappointed. And guys just to burst your bubble a little more I am a 30A. Are we all crying now?

Welcome to me office I talk like moron

Recently I have been attending our weekly meetings with Jay, Andi, Jim and Kay. These meetings are pretty much a guaranteed cure to insomnia. My idea of a meeting would be, "here are certain topics - lets discuss them". Jays idea seems to be "My voice sounds great I am sure everyone wants to spend their entire Friday afternoon listening to it.

Andi and I have taken to being a bit silly in the meeting. Jay has a sense of humour lack so we are trying to be subtle. It includes bringing a large scented candle to the meeting, pass the cough but these only last for so long.

Until we hit jackpot - the bingo bollocks.

Basically we hand out bingo cards to all of the unfortunate attendees with some of his more irritating phrases on. We all pay a £ and the person with a line wins. If no one wins the money gets rolled over.

My bingo card today contains:

Modus Operandi

360 degree thinging

Pushing the Envelope

Moving Forward

Heads Up

Singing from the Same Hymn Sheet

Wish me luck - the cash could be mine!

Warning - working in media may cause insanity

The next day when I arrive there is a girl looking rather nervous outside the office. I smile and ask her if she is okay and she replies her name is Jane (wow we love J's in this company) she is starting work today for a publishing company but no one has given her a card to get in. She was told to arrive at half eight and has been waiting half an hour.

Oh dear. Jane looks horrified as if she expected this company to be in some way professional. I smile and show her upstairs - fourth floor and the lift is broken. I notice her becoming more and more worried and try to put her at her ease.When we get upstairs I show her the toilets and tea and coffee making facilities and introduce her to Jay.

Poor Jane spends at least an hour having to smile and nod sweetly while Jay waffles on at her. Sorry Jay but I don't think gray, skinny and full of crap is her type.

Jane emails me asking if there is any chance of going permanent. I email back saying I have no idea but she should talk to Andi who is doing the real recruiting. At Robs instance I also ask her if we are likely to get paid this month. I also worry about her sanity if she wants to go permanent - has she not just spent an hour with Jay? So far today she has been abandoned outside the office, had to listen to Jay and had a stack of books knocked on her. (Smooth Jack real smooth)

The day picks up though when Jim sick of all the sales calls decides to have some fun. We were looking at moving offices a few months back and we have been getting endless calls since then.Jim decided then next victim that calls is getting psycho Jim. We are all intrigued at this point.

The phone rings and I transfer it to Jim and motion to the others to list. Jim puts it on loud speaker

Telesales: Hello, is this Jim?

Jim: (In faux posh Jay tones) Yaaah

Telesales: (starts his sales pitch)

Jim: Old Macdonald had a farm ei ei o

Telesales: Excuse me?

Jim:With a baaaaaa baaaaa here and a baaaaaa baaaaa there

Telesales: Shall I call at a more convenient time?

Jim: Baaaaaaaaaa

Telesales: I'll take you off our list.

Do you have to be mad to work in media or does media make you mad?

Working? Thats for minions!

As I am now back in the office one thing becomes clear. As Chip is no longer here to do all of the accounts and listen to Jay whine (I am not sure which one he was valued higher for) we are going to need someone else. In fact Jay casually mentions he should really try and find the time to sort this out before payday so someone is here to do payroll. He seems unconcerned by this and says he will let us know if it will be more than a few weeks late.

Jamie, Rob, Jack (the monotone American remember him) and I all exchange horrified glances. Ethan calmly says to Jim as soon as Jay is out of hearing range that he is going to need to be paid on time. Jim smiles at our horrified faces, "Don't worry Jay lives on another planet - I will remind him his staff work here for money not just because they are so honoured to work near his Lordship."

There is a grain of truth in this Jay is pretentious to the point that he honestly seems to believe we should all be kissing the ground he works on for the privilege of being near him. Jim goes to his office and after almost an hour emerges. "Right Andi," He says, "Jay does not have time to find a temp so he has asked you to."

Andi rolls her eyes and picks up the phone.

Other activities best avoided topless include:

• Ironing - especially with steam
• Answering the door - unless you are an exhibitionist of any nature
• Running down the stairs
• Eating anything hot unless you can guarantee no spillage
• Eating anything cold (see reasons above)
• Speaking to workmates while webcam is still connected. Again that is taking the office bonding a little further than perhaps necessary
• Leaving the house - unless you want to get arrested
• Talking to your parents - it's not that they would know it just feels a bit sick and wrong
• Dancing for five minutes to embarrassing songs and then realising the curtains are open. (i never did this honestly)
• Letting a cat anywhere near you - it's just asking for trouble

I think when I work from home it is easier to let my mind wander. Okay after five minutes on ebay (well I saw some red shoes yesterday) I will do some work.

Yes I will yes I will yes I will.....