Red thongs, blushing wars, and think before speaking

Hmmm Ted has obviously been told by Jay to motivate everyone more. The sales are down and Ted is trying to push. So far he has attempted to introduce a round of applause for every sale, a twenty pound win for the board leader and occasional bouts of cheering.

This morning as he comes into the office he sings "Scooby Dooby Doo" and then points and winks.
I ask him politely if he is drunk from last night which does not go down at all well.

Ted then tries to give us a big speech,
"Team remember you have to be the best sales team you can be!" He says chest heaving with emotion.
"Seize your targets and smash them."
I have been preparing to make a sarcastic comment towards this but unfortunately lean back in preparation of my own wit and instead fall backwards off my chair.

While I seem to do fall over a lot this was pretty spectacular... and a bad day to wear a bright red thong. As the team explodes with laughter I pick myself up blushing. Hopefully they will be too polite to comment.

"Wow Kate you've gone as red as hmmmm maybe a pair of very red pants." Jamie says wickedly. "Wouldn't you agree Simon?"
Simon goes bright red as well now we look like the tomato twins.

Great I just flashed two work colleagues. I'm like an unpaid stripper I'm doing it for free.
"Kate I think you embarrassed Simon." Rob observes.
"No I'm fine its all fine." Simon stammers going even redder.
"I don't think Simon liked your underwear Kate." Jamie says.

I glare at him, "Look can you all just get your heads out of my pants." I shout.

I did not just say that.....
" mean," I say weakly but now everyone is laughing too hard to notice. Even Ethan and Simon....

I think I just took the lead in the blushing war with Simon...

Watch out for the quiet ones

Well after last weeks series of embarrassments things can only get better.

I am going to start this Monday as the new Kate. The professional Kate the one that never embarrasses herself or says stupid things.

I decide to go with Laura for lunch - Laura seems sensible so it should be safe. Wow was I wrong let this be a lesson quiet does not equal sane.

Laura it turns out is crazy . She decided rather than lunch we should drink a bottle of wine. In my defence I did protest (a little) thinking no good could come of it. I was right. I hate being right.

After the bottle of wine on an empty stomach feeling queasy I managed to lean against a wall and get a black stain on my bum. Classy.

Then after making myself coffee to sober up I spilt half of it down my top. Ouch! Not only is my pretty pink top stained but it hurt like hell and splashing cold water didn't really help.

So spent the afternoon looking like I had an accident on my way to enter a wet T shirt competition.

Andi gives me a hug which makes me feel a bit better though. She still loves me.

I decided to put my headphones on and listen to happy music. I couldn't cause trouble that way... you would think.

I listened to Scissor Sisters and actually got some work done creating marketing campaigns when a sudden tap on the shoulder made me jump. I looked up to see Rob grinning at me.

“What?” I say grumpily.

“You do know you have been singing filthy gorgeous out loud for the last five minutes?”

I’m going to buy shoes.

Anyway I’m a good singer... they are just jealous...

When I get nervous I get even clumsier - run for your life!

Today reason not to flirt with workmates.

The morning after sending suggestive text messages you feel stupid. I have not managed to look Jamie in the eyes once today even when he made me a cup of tea. And I wasn't the one initiating things. And to make matters worse he seems to find my embarrassment really funny.

Feeling uncomfortable in the office makes me do stupid things. Case – I have fallen over twice today – once rather spectacularly down a flight of stairs landing in an undignified heap at Jay’s feet. Jay laughed at me. Lots. Bastard.

Blushing – if like me you are prone to going pink you will spend the entire day looking like a tomato.

Being distracted. I seem to be on planet blonde today. Laddered one of my stockings and walked around the office with only one on for an hour before Evan told me. Rob and Jamie are both still sniggering in my direction.

Rumours – one thing I do not want it to get a reputation or be gossiped about. Still I have thought of a cunning way to deflect suspicion. There is a journalist who works on one of our magazines coming in today. If I flirt with him then no one will suspect anything is happening with Jamie.
Which it isn't. It's a genuis plan.

Right drinking more caffine will put me at ease.

What could possibly go wrong?

I am really impressing my employer- is that the sack I see approaching?

I really need to learn to follow these basic lessons. My boss is annoying but I do not want to get fired.

Therefore this is a list of things I will no longer be doing....well maybe.

Do not after turning up half an hour late claim you were there all day and your boss "simply didn't take the time to notice my existence which I find deeply wounding."
Ted replied "Kate not only is that inappropriate it suggest a possible lack of respect for me."

On being told you show a possible lack of respect for your boss do not - I repeat DO NOT correct said boss with the statement. "No it wasn't not a possible lack of respect it was a definite lack of respect."

Do not manage to wear two shoes that while relatively similar in colour have about an inch and a half difference in heal size. When others notice this it is hard to find any explanation for this extreme blondeness

If you do make the mistake above do not spend half an hour rigorously defending it as a style choice. No one was fooled and if you are prone to blushing you will then get called red Kate all day (as in Ken)

Do not sulk about being laughed at - try to storm off and then fall off said shoes. Spectacularly.

Do not ever admit to weird phobias these will be used against you. Ted seems to have decided that I am mentally challenged due to the occasional squeaks from my desk I stupidly told Rob earlier about my crippling fear of rabbits. Cue the sales team sending pictures of rabbits to me all day causing me to leap up and demand they delete the nasty picture. They also keep singing "Bright Eyes" at me - not obviously scary but singing talent is lacking... (Note to self do not tell them about the spider fear)

There are many other stupid things I could put down here but one thing I did learn was don't give away all your secrets in one go.

Anyway today we are all going to the pub. The sales team seem on the verge of rebellion and after today I need a drink!

Other activities best avoided topless include:

• Ironing - especially with steam
• Answering the door - unless you are an exhibitionist of any nature
• Running down the stairs
• Eating anything hot unless you can guarantee no spillage
• Eating anything cold (see reasons above)
• Speaking to workmates while webcam is still connected. Again that is taking the office bonding a little further than perhaps necessary
• Leaving the house - unless you want to get arrested
• Talking to your parents - it's not that they would know it just feels a bit sick and wrong
• Dancing for five minutes to embarrassing songs and then realising the curtains are open. (i never did this honestly)
• Letting a cat anywhere near you - it's just asking for trouble

I think when I work from home it is easier to let my mind wander. Okay after five minutes on ebay (well I saw some red shoes yesterday) I will do some work.

Yes I will yes I will yes I will.....

Working from home -injuries

Woo. I think working from home. I can nurse my hangover in the privacy of my darkened living room with lots of coffee. This is great. I wake up at exactly five minutes to nine and go to my computer and log on. This is rare for me I am actually on time - my computer clock says 8:59. I am a dedicated employee in early for work! Ha

After logging on and emailing as many people as possible so they can see I am actually working. I giggle at emailing them in pyjamas then promptly spill tea all down my top. Oh crap. I take a moments naughty amusement in topless emailing and the decide I should be more sensible.

My being sensible consists of making myself more tea. I also feel hungry. I so rarely eat junk food I figure I have earned a fried egg sandwich breakfast. See a definite advantage of not being at work - could I fry an egg there?

Ouch ouch ouch!

Have just been promptly reminded why frying topless is a very very very bad move. Clearly with no workmates to supervise me I become a danger to myself.

Good job I am back at the office tomorrow.

Apologies and practical jokes

I have sent my groveling email to May and she is smiling at me again phew. I hate upsetting people. I also feel pretty pissed. I am trying to stop myself giggling but I keep noticing that my keyboard is wobbling and it seems funny. I also see my reflection and notice my nose looks red. I giggle to myself. Right must do some work this afternoon - do not want workmates to think I am a complete lightweight I think.

I notice an email arriving in my inbox from Rob. My smile fades - it reads "How pissed are you?"

I blush and try to look hard working and sober. In my defense I am a size 10 and 5,7. I have less room to soak up alcohol than they do.

Jim leaves to go and grab cigarettes and Rob decides it is joke time. He carefully covers Jim's phone in ink so him ear will be black. He also unfolds a paper clip and picks up Jim's afternoon banana. I watch intrigued as he carefully decapitates the unsuspecting banana and replaces it. I pick it up impressed - you wouldn't have a clue the banana had been sliced in half.

Under strict instructions not to give the game away I get back to my marketing letters. Jim comes back and promptly answers his phone. Luckily he realizes immediately and laughs. He then ends up with half a banana in his lap and officially declares war on Rob. Monday morning could be interesting I think....

Job interviews .... in front of a whole office... relaxing

Did I mention we work in a pretty small office? The main room where the unwashed masses - that means everyone except Jay and Chip - are pretty packed - we have ten of us squashed in which is partially why Kay and Andi love their day working from home - a rare chance to breathe.

However right now not only are we all packed in together we are also interviewing poor unsuspecting young grads to join us. Andi needs a replacement for Kay.

Kay has been promoted and will now be the Production Manager.  Over lunch Kay tells me she has been wanting to get more responsibility in publishing for over a year and although this job seems like it will be hard work she is excited. She hopes she will learn a lot her only concern is they have not agreed to pay her any more money until three months later. She seems to trust it will be sorted and back dated. I trust her - she has been in this company a year - if anyone would know she will.  I smile and say I hope it all works out for her, I  know myself how boring admin can be.

The interviews take place while we are all  trying to work. I feel so sorry for the interviewees - it is hard enough without having an audience. Andi tries to be nice in the interview but it is awful - in front of a room of people. One interviewee looks so nervous and one poor girl whispers the whole way though.

Some are memorable for all the wrong reasons though. the guy who asks if they frown upon drinking at work - dude learn to hide it! Or the girl who asks how many days sick pay they receive (Find it out after you have been offered the job) Or the girl who when asked why she left her last job replies that her "boss was a complete bitch".  And I thought I was bad at interviews (I did one time inadvertently set off a fire alarm but in my defense I am sure they said first door on the left)

Printers hate me! My first marketing campaign

Oh yes - when I arrive this morning I am offered a book and told I should write a letter and get it ready to send all by my self! Woo actual responsibility and direction.  I happily write the letter and spell check it about twelve times before arriving at Jay's door. Ha - see I am important without me there would be no letter!

I am clearly a total moron. As if Jay would let me do that - as I finish he asks to see my letter and then adds so much red pen I really needn't have bothered. He then reminds me to "Be a good girl and bring it back once all my amendments have been made so I can check."

Any touches of personality in my letter have been scrupulously removed and it now smacks of pretension. Past caring I  print the letters. All 5,000 of them. I feel rather horrified as they build up on my desk. Oh shit - it is repeating the same letter - quick cancel cancel cancel!
Okay deep breath - I try again

Success it is printing!!! Then suddenly it jams. Oh crap! I kick the printer a few times and look around helplessly. I notice Jamie and Rob looking at me with amusement. Jamie takes pity and unjams the printer for me

Noooooooo it has gone back to the beginning.

Why why why would it do this?? That is over 1,000 letters I can't even use!

I take a deep breath and start again. Right I can do this. Fine print.

Oh God - this time the mail merge seems to have mucked up - it is saying dear

Cancel cancel canel -okay it has stopped - phew!

I try and look nonchalent as I collect the letters

Jamie and Rob have clearly noticed my monumental cock up - both are laughing at me. Great just great.

I set about hiding 7,000 wrong letters in various bins.

Oh God - my signature didn't print - I have to sign 5,000 letters.

Did I do something bad in a former life? Is this Karma? I decide to take up the boys offer of joining them for a drink - I could use a vodka or twelve.

Monday Monday - lets expose my pants to the whole office

Oh crap.

Crap, crap crap!

Today started off so well. I arrive in the office and see that the sales boys have had a re-arrange - Dave is now officially out of there and Evan and Rob are all settled in. The atmosphere is instantly better. We chat more and there is some degree of excitement. I still have to suppress a laugh whenever Jack says a word. Seriously this guy makes Gordon Brown seem animated.  My mind then decides to  imagine him shagging.  The thought horrifies me. That unenthusiastic American drawl. "oh yeah faster baby" the thought makes me shudder.

I notice Jamie is watching me and blush.  Imagining your new workmates in the sack probably not the best way to win friends and influence people.  I think and try to look busy. I smile brightly and offer to make a round of tea. As I walk across them room I see a small piece of bright red material on the floor. "Whats that?" I say and pick it up ands freeze.

That turns out to be my thong.

That's the thong that I was wearing yesterday.

I am wearing the same trousers as yesterday.

The thong must have been caught in the trousers and at some point worked it's way out of my trouser leg.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Oh God

How long has my worn thong been on the floor? Has anyone else seen?

I stuff it into my bag and make tea - I am in such a state of shock I keep alternatively giggling and blushing. This can not be happening. I try to avoid peoples eyes but can't help notice Rob seems to be watching me looking suspiciously amused.
May and Andi are both sitting together and seem completely oblivious. I can't even seek female reassurance.

Yes I hate Mondays