Wednesday, 30 September 2009

I need to learn to be nice or at least civil to my boss....

So poor old Jack. Not for struggling with the job but for being on the receiving end of an email like that.

I feel I might not have helped matters. Ted asks me if I had seen the email
"Yes." I say. "Wow I hope if I fall out of favour by that time we can afford to broadcast it on TV or at the very least webcam."
Ted glares at me. "That wasn't the case and you know it Kate."
I smile at him, "Do you think I could borrow a pen?" I ask, "I was going to give you my parents and grandparents emails so you can CC them if you decide to fire me. If only Jack had thought of that."

Oh crap his ears are going red - never a good sign
“Not fired but helped to find a more suitable career.” Ted retorts, “Anyway don’t you think things in a small office should be transparent without secrecy?”

“Maybe.” I respond, “So as we are being open what’s your salary and bonus?”

Okay may have crossed a line the ears actually turning purple now - shut up Kate shut up.

Ted storms off and I try to remind myself that thinking before opening my mouth is a good idea. Actually this shouldn’t just apply to work...

Jamie and Rob both burst out laughing as soon as Ted leaves the office and Rob gives me an appraising look. “You’re never going to be a yes man are you Katie?”

Perhaps not but when I do say something nice they know I mean it. Surely that counts for something. And I am a terrible liar so why bother....

Ted returns noticably calmer and gives me a slightly amused smile. Phew in the spirit of being a good employee I make him a cup of tea. Cups of tea solve everything right?

Must be nice today must be nice...

Tuesday, 29 September 2009

Hiring and firing - and how not to.

Oh dear. Staff changes are coming...

Despite my many examples of making a tit of myself I am in the clear. I just created a new marketing promotion that brought in an extra 20K worth of subscriptions. They aren’t firing me any time soon. In fact I am Jay’s new favourite girl.

Unfortunately being Jay's favourite is not fun. He keeps leering at me what I can only imagine he thinks is projecting encouragement. To me is looks more like constipation. He has called me a "very good girl" several times today at one point came close to patting me on the head. Seriously….

I may have let out a small growl to discourage this which caused Rob to break out in a suspicious bout of coughing. Rob has now taken to winking at me whenever Jay walks in miming good girl. Still my fake laugh coughing seems to be keeping Jay away.

The person in the firing line is Jack - American sales guy who talks in permanent monotone. I feel bad for him. Jim is leaving this week and poor Jack never got any training. Jamie tried to help a bit but he is pretty busy so Jack has ended up left with a poor sales record.

So how did I find this out? Surely someone being on employment probation should be private? Not according to the gospel of Ted.

Ted apparently thinks the best way to encourage him would be to send the following email:

Dear All,

As you may be aware Jack joined us recently. However, I am sorry to say he has not passed his probation period. We have extended this another month but I do not feel sales is the career for him. If after the additional month nothing changes we will be recruiting for a replacement. Jack will be welcome to stay on in an administrative role until he finds a new job.



Head of Tact and Discretion

Oh Ted just when you were doing so well. On the plus side at least he couldn't find a megaphone. The man is clueless.

Monday, 28 September 2009

Watch out for the quiet ones

Well after last weeks series of embarrassments things can only get better.

I am going to start this Monday as the new Kate. The professional Kate the one that never embarrasses herself or says stupid things.

I decide to go with Laura for lunch - Laura seems sensible so it should be safe. Wow was I wrong let this be a lesson quiet does not equal sane.

Laura it turns out is crazy . She decided rather than lunch we should drink a bottle of wine. In my defence I did protest (a little) thinking no good could come of it. I was right. I hate being right.

After the bottle of wine on an empty stomach feeling queasy I managed to lean against a wall and get a black stain on my bum. Classy.

Then after making myself coffee to sober up I spilt half of it down my top. Ouch! Not only is my pretty pink top stained but it hurt like hell and splashing cold water didn't really help.

So spent the afternoon looking like I had an accident on my way to enter a wet T shirt competition.

Andi gives me a hug which makes me feel a bit better though. She still loves me.

I decided to put my headphones on and listen to happy music. I couldn't cause trouble that way... you would think.

I listened to Scissor Sisters and actually got some work done creating marketing campaigns when a sudden tap on the shoulder made me jump. I looked up to see Rob grinning at me.

“What?” I say grumpily.

“You do know you have been singing filthy gorgeous out loud for the last five minutes?”

I’m going to buy shoes.

Anyway I’m a good singer... they are just jealous...

Friday, 25 September 2009

Thank God this week is over!

This has felt like a long and hard week but it is finally Friday – yay!

Not only was I too embarrassed to look one of my workmates in the eye after blatant flirting I decided to ward off any potential gossip was to flirt outrageously with one of the journalists. Smart move.

His name is Chris and well is he hot, single and famous?
Unfortunately not. He is a year older than me but looks twelve. Skinnier than me and painfully shy. He blushes even more than I do.

Perhaps I should have found someone more suitable.

Well my flirting attempts are such a success that Chris seems terrified to be around me, when he left the office and I said goodbye he backed away from me and I detected shaking.

Should I start Kate’s guide to repelling men? Apparently I’m a natural.
To make matters worse I am sure Rob and Jamie guessed exactly what I was up to and were not fooled. There was a certain amount of sniggering from their end of the office.

This afternoon once Chris has escaped I am feeling more relaxed. Even Ted seems cheerful and we all start chatting about plans for the weekend. Rob has been boasting non stop about his weekend plans with the latest conquest.
"The words too much information, mean nothing to you do they?” I comment.
Rob laughs and responds, "Too much information nothing. I'm all about the women, talk to them, take them out, treat them right."
I smile.
"Wow Rob that's great - maybe one day you'll be ready for a real girl rather than an inflatable."
He gives me a look, "Jealous Katie?"
"Oh sorry Rob." I say seriously, "But I like men..."

I am rewarded with a laugh from Ted and Jamie but I think Rob is plotting revenge. Note to self do not let him make me a drink.

Edit - apologies to earlier readers I accidently hit publish without having done my spellcheck. Oops!

Thursday, 24 September 2009

When I get nervous I get even clumsier - run for your life!

Today reason not to flirt with workmates.

The morning after sending suggestive text messages you feel stupid. I have not managed to look Jamie in the eyes once today even when he made me a cup of tea. And I wasn't the one initiating things. And to make matters worse he seems to find my embarrassment really funny.

Feeling uncomfortable in the office makes me do stupid things. Case – I have fallen over twice today – once rather spectacularly down a flight of stairs landing in an undignified heap at Jay’s feet. Jay laughed at me. Lots. Bastard.

Blushing – if like me you are prone to going pink you will spend the entire day looking like a tomato.

Being distracted. I seem to be on planet blonde today. Laddered one of my stockings and walked around the office with only one on for an hour before Evan told me. Rob and Jamie are both still sniggering in my direction.

Rumours – one thing I do not want it to get a reputation or be gossiped about. Still I have thought of a cunning way to deflect suspicion. There is a journalist who works on one of our magazines coming in today. If I flirt with him then no one will suspect anything is happening with Jamie.
Which it isn't. It's a genuis plan.

Right drinking more caffine will put me at ease.

What could possibly go wrong?

Wednesday, 23 September 2009

We take pity

I am having trouble typing this but I actually feel a bit sorry for Ted.

After his list of rules the mood in the office which since my little addition now has the following additions:
  • Employees must bow when entering the room
  • Smiling will not be tolerated
  • Anyone found with chocolates will have to write fifty lines
  • A school uniform must be worn at all times
  • An office rabbit will be introduced
I am sure the last one was Rob. I hate him

I think it is safe to say the rules won't be enforced and Ted is looking glum despite his incredibly irritating tendencies I feel sorry for him. I think deep down there might be a nice person struggling to get out.

I chat to Jamie to see what he thinks. I tell him I feel bad for Ted and he openly laughs at me,
"Katie you would feel bad for a mass murderer if you saw them looking upset."
"But I feel bad for him." I protest. "Please? Please?"

Jamie rolls his eyes at me but smiles and even manages to get Rob on board. They decide to take Ted to the pub that evening and have a chat – just to try and help him fit in. I think this is a good idea and demand a full update in the morning. Jamie texts me at seven and says "we're still there - Ted is ok when you get him away from Jay"
I text back:
"See I was right! Ha! Remember Ted is still the boss don't not drink too much x"

He responds a few hours later with:
“Ted and beer and rob and me drinming. More fun with you there too xxx”

I feel partially flattered and partially worried. I hope he isn’t saying anything incriminating. My phone rings again at ten to midnight and I hastily cancel the call. I get a text saying “thinking of you Katie xxx”

Must not flirt with workmates. Must not!

I don't reply. Oh God tomorrow could be interesting...

Tuesday, 22 September 2009

Prank phone calls and doughnuts - all in a days work

We have a magazine going to print in three days and zero sales. Ted is out of the office all day and clearly the sales guys are all working hard making calls.... yeah right.

In fact team are trying to get the word "lubricating" into a call with bonus points if they can actually close the sale. There are doughnuts to be won for the winner

Ethan gets the next call. He is polite and professional but at the end of the call apologies if there was a rustling noise explaining, “In this weather my lips get chapped unless they have constant lubricating.” Jamie and I instantly exchange looks –and I blush. Obviously we both have dirty minds – note to self flirting with workmates is a bad idea.

Rob decides to take the next one. We listen to his outrageous flirting with the buyer and he says it has been an illubricating experience. We all groan. Minus points for outrageous flirting and not using the word properly.

Jim calls one of our biggest clients a well known bank. He gets through to the reception and tells the poor girl (on speaker) that he is in a van with a delivery of five hundred doughnuts and is she authorized to take them. She sounds confused.

“Are you the man in the blue van?” she asks,

“Yes!” Jim asserts much to our amusement “And I need to deliver these five hundred doughnuts into your office.” He coughs to cover his laughing.

“Well I might have to check with my boss” The poor receptionist says sounding flustered, “But your van has just driven off hasn’t it?” She now sounds thoroughly confused.

“Oh has it.” Says Jim, “I must have gone then – goodbye.”

I think Jim won the doughnuts.

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Monday, 21 September 2009

Office punches - well almost

Ted strikes again!

On a slightly hungover Monday morning I try to sneak in inconspicuously. (Fifteen minutes late isn’t that bad right?) As I arrive I hear raised voices. I poke my head around the corner and see Jim storming out.

"Okay... what's going on?" I ask.

Andi tells me. Apparently Jay and Ted arrived this morning and mentioned that they felt the office was too relaxed on things such as lunch breaks, timekeeping (I blush) alcohol consumption, (I blush again) and the general attitude.

So this morning Ted proudly presented a white board entitled:

Office Conduct - rules of a happy hardworking office.

  • Lunch hour is one hour only no exceptions.
  • Employees must not return to the building smelling of alcohol.
  • If employees have a drink at lunchtime it should be a glass of wine with a meal not more.
  • Employees should aim to arrive at 8:45am. I ask whether they will aim to pay us for those extra fifteen minutes but no one seems to know.
  • The phone is for strictly work calls only.
  • No immature practical jokes in the office.
  • Staff should not form personal relationships with each other.
  • Staff must make sure they are smartly dressed at all times
  • The phone MUST be answered by the second ring
I look at the sign for a moment. Have I accidently gone back to school without realising it? Yes we do take long lunches when we have smashed all our figures for the week - last week we went 30K over budget - surely thats a good thing? And none of us ever leave until at least 6pm when we are only paid to stay until 5:00pm Jamie’s response to this is to suggest we all go to the pub at midday to spend a few hours discussing. I agree but before we go I quickly add a note to the list.
  • All employees must raise their hands and ask before going to the toilet. We will tolerate no exceptions.
I'm not going to help his opinion of me as disrespectful am I?

Updated who everyone is

I thought it might be a good time to remind who everyone is. Starting with those still serving sentences:

Current lifers with no hope of parole

Kate: That's me! In my mid twenties with long blond hair, fond of shoes. I am pretty well spoken which can help me out a lot at times considering Jay’s blatant snobbery. However, don’t let that fool you I was born in Essex. I get told a lot that I look very young and innocent and have to carry my passport to order a drink in the pub.

Jay – The CEO – a complete snob and loves to talk down to you. Refuses to travel more than a minute unless in black cab. Believes we should all be thanking our lucky stars for the privilege of working with him. A complete tight wad and generally has not clue of living in reality or doing a moments work. Grey hair so styled it wouldn’t move even in a hurricane and is tall and skinny. He wears designer clothes at all times and is fond of braces.

Andi – American admin manager incredibly professional but more than capable of downing copious amounts of cider and being one of the boys. Comes out with very interesting stories in the pub – this girl certainly has a dark side. Brown hair and in her early thirties

Jamie –The cute sales man. Laddish plays rugby so in good shape. Likes to drink has quite a filthy sense of humour a bit of a ladies man. He is in his mid twenties with dark hair – with a bit of a curl and is of average height and build. Not bad looking and a definite flirt to any woman who isn’t May.

Rob – Salesman rather young looking in the face and gives an impression of innocence. a practical joker and a terrible flirt with the ability to sell ice to Eskimos. Charm by the bucket loads he is in his early thirties and is tall and slim with light brown hair, freckles and an infectious smile.

Evan – Sales man polite and consciousness he is the only sales man May can stomach. Slightly on the chubby side he is in his mid thirties with light brown hair. He also seems very fond of blue socks.

Ted - A.k.a Mr Motivator. Oh dear. Clueless he immediately alienates the whole office and his lack of tact knows no bounds. Close friend of Jay which only makes us like him even less. he is in his mid forties a little on the chubby side with light brown/gray curly hair.

Minor Offenders

Jack – The sales junior who is only able to speak in Monotone. One of the youngest as this is his first job since university. Jack is American with a southern drawl. He is on the short side with light brown hair. He clearly looks up to Jamie and is trying to impress him.

May – Australian Production manager. Doesn’t get on with the sales men finding them a little too rude for her. The exception to this is Evan who is nice and polite to everyone. She can be quite scary and certainly doesn't mince her words even with Jay. Brown curly hair and is on the large size in her late twenties

Stee - Graphic designer. Quiet and I am guessing in his late thirties.

Jim – My boss who will be leaving us soon so has become a minor offender. Great guy – lots of fun and thoroughly irreverent attitude to Jay which is very funny

Laura - New accounts girl – in her early thirties – so far quiet but she has the ability to put away a lot of wine so one to watch.

The Recent releases – may they work in peace include:

Dave (Angry sales man)

Chip (Sweet and very gay accountant)

Jane (Blink and you miss her)

Friday, 18 September 2009

I am really impressing my employer- is that the sack I see approaching?

I really need to learn to follow these basic lessons. My boss is annoying but I do not want to get fired.

Therefore this is a list of things I will no longer be doing....well maybe.

Do not after turning up half an hour late claim you were there all day and your boss "simply didn't take the time to notice my existence which I find deeply wounding."
Ted replied "Kate not only is that inappropriate it suggest a possible lack of respect for me."

On being told you show a possible lack of respect for your boss do not - I repeat DO NOT correct said boss with the statement. "No it wasn't not a possible lack of respect it was a definite lack of respect."

Do not manage to wear two shoes that while relatively similar in colour have about an inch and a half difference in heal size. When others notice this it is hard to find any explanation for this extreme blondeness

If you do make the mistake above do not spend half an hour rigorously defending it as a style choice. No one was fooled and if you are prone to blushing you will then get called red Kate all day (as in Ken)

Do not sulk about being laughed at - try to storm off and then fall off said shoes. Spectacularly.

Do not ever admit to weird phobias these will be used against you. Ted seems to have decided that I am mentally challenged due to the occasional squeaks from my desk I stupidly told Rob earlier about my crippling fear of rabbits. Cue the sales team sending pictures of rabbits to me all day causing me to leap up and demand they delete the nasty picture. They also keep singing "Bright Eyes" at me - not obviously scary but singing talent is lacking... (Note to self do not tell them about the spider fear)

There are many other stupid things I could put down here but one thing I did learn was don't give away all your secrets in one go.

Anyway today we are all going to the pub. The sales team seem on the verge of rebellion and after today I need a drink!

Thursday, 17 September 2009

I don't think my boss likes me....

Oh Ted..... the poor man doesn't help himself does he.

Well Ted has settled in further by having a blazing row with Jim in the middle of the office. Apparently Jay has decided Ted is his number two. Jay does not help matters by referring to Ted in front of us as his eyes and ears.

Oh Jay way to inspire trust. What you think we all have two hour lunches every Friday and spend the afternoon pissed regularly? Er actually bad point forget that one....

So we all have our meetings with Ted and some of us duly bring along CV's (all the people who have not passed probation yet so me, Rob, Jack, Evan and Joe) the others (Andi, May, Jamie) pointedly refuse.

In my meeting Ted takes me to a wine bar. I feel a little nervous and opt for a saintly sparkling water. Ted asks me about my previous marketing experience. I blush and try to exaggerate my suitability for my job.

"So you haven't got any marketing qualifications or direct experience as such" Ted observes. I blush further and mention all the related campaigns I assisted on. Luckily for me Ted seems easily distracted by his old company. I flatter him asking about the Directors phew! I try not to think "band camp" I must make a good impression.

After my rather uncomfortable hour is finished in which he asks me if I am planning to have children any time time and I make the rather inappropriate response of "Why are you offering to assist?"

I don't think he likes me...

Wednesday, 16 September 2009

How not to start a new job

Today’s list of mistakes:

  • 1. (This may not actually be his fault but) he and Jim are at loggerheads. Jay has decided for some reason that Jim must work his entire notice but he will now report into Ted. As Jim has been in the job five years this goes down like a cup of cold sick.

  • 2. Being too chummy with the big boss. Ted got the job through his close friendship with Jay which is no secret. He is also disappearing regularly into Jays office for confidential chats. The result is we are all feeling paranoid. Are they discussing us? Why all the secrecy?

  • 3. Being openly critical of the sales team. On his second day he made pointed comments about people coming back late from lunch. To be fair he was right but even so it probably could have waited a week.

  • 4. He has no tact. The poor man is one of the most tactless people I have even met. His clangers and include to Andi, "Are you okay? You look dreadful," to Jim, "Golly you need a breathe mint." to May "No I don't like belly piercings, especially on the larger lady like yourself." Oh Ted - no just no.

  • 5. Not thinking and announcing loudly about a sales man who called him, "He was clearly some minion on only 25K poor fool." Result we are all glaring and I am really worried about what Jamie is doing to his coffee…

  • 6. Mentioning his old company "The Managers" constantly. I begin to say "This one time at band camp..." whenever he mentions it which makes the others snigger. Poor Ted does not understand.

  • 7. Asking all of us to make time to sit with him and bring our CV's. We all panic and Andi who has been in the company thirteen years is livid.

  • 8. He's not hot. Okay this in itself is not a crime but visible ear hair I find a little gross. I am apparently deeply shallow though… Jamie said yesterday, “No offense Katie but I’ve stepped in puddles deeper than you.” Harsh but true?

New boss and how not to fire someone

Introducing Ted.

He is in his forties and gives the impression of being pompous. Within five minutes we have already nicknamed him Mr Motivator by his ability to sap any energy and enthusiasm out of the room.

So the big question - what the hell has been going on while I have been away? Well first I appear to have left my desk unattended and lost it. I am now moved into accounts where Jane used to sit.

Jane has disappeared too. I grab Jamie in the corridor. "I'll tell you at lunch time." He promises, "The new world pub."

I begin to pick up my rather pathetic personal effects. A few note pads, a rubber banan that Jamie gave me and a pink fluffy pen.No more being silly with the boys then.

I meet Jane's replacement, a rather wary looking woman called Laura. Laura smiles at me rather nervously and says she is glad someone else will be joining her here. She has been here two days and feels like she has been cold shouldered already because of Jane.

I ask her what happened and with a quick glance around to make sure no one is listening she tells me.

Jane arrived in as normal last Wednesday and Laura was already there having been asked to come in by another agency. Laura had been told to go and sit in Jane's old desk which she did but then Jane arrived and was confused. Jay then called them both and Ted into his office and said "While it's bene lovely having you here Jane we've decided we need a little more experience so Laura will be taking over after today and you'll be training her."

Laura tells me how Jane looked close to tears and decided to leave early.

I fume - yes Jane was a temp but what a disgusting way to treat someone. The MD of our company could be called tactless idiot. Or as I am going to say a complete wanker.

Tuesday, 15 September 2009

Hangover hell in my office, desk theft and quitting

Oh dear. I am having a nightmare. I am at work with a hangover.

This might not be so bad but I have just returned from my week in Paris and I am supposed to be working hard. Yes I should not have stayed out drinking until 4am last night. Definitely not. I try and walk upstairs slowly. I then realise I am not going to make it. With dignity left firmly in France I dash into one of the toilets and am promptly sick.

Smooooth Kate.

Okay I think I can do this. I can just be quiet and pretend I am really busy catching up. I won;t have to make contact or impress anyone - it will be fine. I am even early today so easy to slink in and quietly settle.

Good plan in theory but as I enter the office I realise something is very very wrong. My desk appears to have been claimed in my absence. Where my papers and spare perfume sits is an unfamiliar briefcase and some photos.

My stomach plunges making me want to go and vomit again. Did they fire me without me realising? I am blonde but surely not that blonde??

I am in the right office? Even I could have have walked into the wrong floor.... I walk out and double check my surroundings. Yeah there is is Anon Ltd on the door the same rather weird small that I think is actually Jay's posh aftershave but my desk "MY DESK" has been invaded.

I look around uncertainly as Jamie arrives "Oh you've seen have you" Jamie mutters to me gesturing towards my desk. Seen I think? Have I been fired? If so surely they could have done it in a more tactful way.

No Jim has quit!

Following a row with Jay Jim has decided to go to a rival company. I liked Jim and I certainly never saw this coming but why is there someones things all over my desk.

Jamie grimances at me - "Ted's" he says. "You'll see."

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Monday, 14 September 2009

Monday and a wardrobe malfunction.

My choice of top today bad idea. It seemed okay this morning but as the afternoon has progressed I am feeling more and more self conscious. It is just a shirt but it actually cuts pretty low. This was a bad choice of outfit for the meeting with the big boss i.e. Jay.

Also for some weird reason after visiting the pub with the boys at lunch my top seems to be slipping lower and lower. This is not going to be one of my better days.

Note to self check for visible underwear before leaving the house. Very important
Plus if there is danger of visible underwear perhaps do not wear a bright red bra. Idiot idiot idiot idiot.

All I need. Jay has this nasty smirk whenever he speaks to any female anyway. Icky and creepy all in one pile of tall skinny overly gelled back pacakge. Score Jay.

Still it could be worse. Andi makes me feel better by telling me about the time she split her trousers in front of everyone. I try not to laugh and fail miserably. I love Andi. Besides I have no reason to feel down - this is my last day for a week. It is my birthday next week and I am celebrating by going to Paris. Jamie asks me to send him a French letter. I giggle and try to act demure. Must stop this shameless flirting.

Blogger note:

In case anyone was wondering as my last few posts seem to be breast obsessed it is not that kind of blog by the way although very amused at the people who finding me through google spiders saying topless office. I bet you were disappointed. And guys just to burst your bubble a little more I am a 30A. Are we all crying now?

Friday, 11 September 2009

Welcome to me office I talk like moron

Recently I have been attending our weekly meetings with Jay, Andi, Jim and Kay. These meetings are pretty much a guaranteed cure to insomnia. My idea of a meeting would be, "here are certain topics - lets discuss them". Jays idea seems to be "My voice sounds great I am sure everyone wants to spend their entire Friday afternoon listening to it.

Andi and I have taken to being a bit silly in the meeting. Jay has a sense of humour lack so we are trying to be subtle. It includes bringing a large scented candle to the meeting, pass the cough but these only last for so long.

Until we hit jackpot - the bingo bollocks.

Basically we hand out bingo cards to all of the unfortunate attendees with some of his more irritating phrases on. We all pay a £ and the person with a line wins. If no one wins the money gets rolled over.

My bingo card today contains:

Modus Operandi

360 degree thinging

Pushing the Envelope

Moving Forward

Heads Up

Singing from the Same Hymn Sheet

Wish me luck - the cash could be mine!

Thursday, 10 September 2009

Warning - working in media may cause insanity

The next day when I arrive there is a girl looking rather nervous outside the office. I smile and ask her if she is okay and she replies her name is Jane (wow we love J's in this company) she is starting work today for a publishing company but no one has given her a card to get in. She was told to arrive at half eight and has been waiting half an hour.

Oh dear. Jane looks horrified as if she expected this company to be in some way professional. I smile and show her upstairs - fourth floor and the lift is broken. I notice her becoming more and more worried and try to put her at her ease.When we get upstairs I show her the toilets and tea and coffee making facilities and introduce her to Jay.

Poor Jane spends at least an hour having to smile and nod sweetly while Jay waffles on at her. Sorry Jay but I don't think gray, skinny and full of crap is her type.

Jane emails me asking if there is any chance of going permanent. I email back saying I have no idea but she should talk to Andi who is doing the real recruiting. At Robs instance I also ask her if we are likely to get paid this month. I also worry about her sanity if she wants to go permanent - has she not just spent an hour with Jay? So far today she has been abandoned outside the office, had to listen to Jay and had a stack of books knocked on her. (Smooth Jack real smooth)

The day picks up though when Jim sick of all the sales calls decides to have some fun. We were looking at moving offices a few months back and we have been getting endless calls since then.Jim decided then next victim that calls is getting psycho Jim. We are all intrigued at this point.

The phone rings and I transfer it to Jim and motion to the others to list. Jim puts it on loud speaker

Telesales: Hello, is this Jim?

Jim: (In faux posh Jay tones) Yaaah

Telesales: (starts his sales pitch)

Jim: Old Macdonald had a farm ei ei o

Telesales: Excuse me?

Jim:With a baaaaaa baaaaa here and a baaaaaa baaaaa there

Telesales: Shall I call at a more convenient time?

Jim: Baaaaaaaaaa

Telesales: I'll take you off our list.

Do you have to be mad to work in media or does media make you mad?

Working? Thats for minions!

As I am now back in the office one thing becomes clear. As Chip is no longer here to do all of the accounts and listen to Jay whine (I am not sure which one he was valued higher for) we are going to need someone else. In fact Jay casually mentions he should really try and find the time to sort this out before payday so someone is here to do payroll. He seems unconcerned by this and says he will let us know if it will be more than a few weeks late.

Jamie, Rob, Jack (the monotone American remember him) and I all exchange horrified glances. Ethan calmly says to Jim as soon as Jay is out of hearing range that he is going to need to be paid on time. Jim smiles at our horrified faces, "Don't worry Jay lives on another planet - I will remind him his staff work here for money not just because they are so honoured to work near his Lordship."

There is a grain of truth in this Jay is pretentious to the point that he honestly seems to believe we should all be kissing the ground he works on for the privilege of being near him. Jim goes to his office and after almost an hour emerges. "Right Andi," He says, "Jay does not have time to find a temp so he has asked you to."

Andi rolls her eyes and picks up the phone.

Wednesday, 9 September 2009

Other activities best avoided topless include:

  • Ironing - especially with steam
  • Answering the door - unless you are an exhibitionist of any nature
  • Running down the stairs
  • Eating anything hot unless you can guarantee no spillage
  • Eating anything cold (see reasons above)
  • Speaking to workmates while webcam is still connected. Again that is taking the office bonding a little further than perhaps necessary
  • Leaving the house - unless you want to get arrested
  • Talking to your parents - it's not that they would know it just feels a bit sick and wrong
  • Dancing for five minutes to embarrassing songs and then realising the curtains are open. (i never did this honestly)
  • Letting a cat anywhere near you - it's just asking for trouble
I think when I work from home it is easier to let my mind wander. Okay after five minutes on ebay (well I saw some red shoes yesterday) I will do some work.

Yes I will yes I will yes I will.....

Working from home -injuries

Woo. I think working from home. I can nurse my hangover in the privacy of my darkened living room with lots of coffee. This is great. I wake up at exactly five minutes to nine and go to my computer and log on. This is rare for me I am actually on time - my computer clock says 8:59. I am a dedicated employee in early for work! Ha

After logging on and emailing as many people as possible so they can see I am actually working. I giggle at emailing them in pyjamas then promptly spill tea all down my top. Oh crap. I take a moments naughty amusement in topless emailing and the decide I should be more sensible.

My being sensible consists of making myself more tea. I also feel hungry. I so rarely eat junk food I figure I have earned a fried egg sandwich breakfast. See a definite advantage of not being at work - could I fry an egg there?

Ouch ouch ouch!

Have just been promptly reminded why frying topless is a very very very bad move. Clearly with no workmates to supervise me I become a danger to myself.

Good job I am back at the office tomorrow.

Tuesday, 8 September 2009

When the going gets tough go to the pub

I feel a bit sad for the rest of the afternoon. I like Chip and it would have been nice to have a leaving do and give him a proper send off.

May grabs me later to tell me the full story. Apparently Chip quit over three months ago but Jay refused to listen. Chip is quite mild mannered and sweet and incapable of standing up for himself. He has texted May to say keep in touch and sorry he had to leave so cloak and dagger but it was the only way to escape.

The guys suggest a quick drink this evening and I decide why not. It will be a bigger group than usual - for one thing Evan will be joining us. He is one of the older sales men - he is quieter and a lot less rude than Jamie, Rob and Jim, although thats not difficult. Andi is joining too so I figure why not be sociable - after all I am working from home tomorrow - yay!

After a few glasses of wine I am doubting whether this is such a good idea - for one thing I am carrying my laptop around and in my slightly tipsy state I am a little concerned as to it's safety. I think I should pass my three month probation period before losing my computer.

The guys decide we will all share the strangest place we have ever had sex. Jamie rather proudly admits he is a member of the mile high club. Rob is partial to the great outdoors and Andi once got chased away minus pants by an angry resident after her and her boyfriend were caught in the act. Evan is more coy - he is about to get married and feels it might not be polite to share such intimacies. However he does tell one of the rudest jokes I have ever heard so I suspect he will be fitting in just fine.

Nothing like a bit of good old work bonding...

Sunday, 6 September 2009

Another member of staff runs away screaming

Today I am don't go straight to the office - instead I spend the morning at a conference. Jim has informed me I am now in charge of our media partnerships and bringing marketing materials to them. So I head off to a five star hotel instead of my usual dingy office. Oh it's a tough life!

The conferences themselves are boring as hell but I love the venues. The last one was in the Hilton by Mayfair. I arrive drop off some business cards and brochures and chat to a few of the delegates over the coffee break. After they all go back inside I eat more than my fair share of ginger biscuits and figure I should head back to the office.

On my way out I check that no one is looking and steal a plate of biscuits. See I can be marriage material. I didn't steal the plate by the way - just all the biscuits so my theft is not too grand!

I arrive back and dole out biscuits to the office who seem more amused the impressed but they still happily eat the biscuits. May tells me the latest news - Chip has vanished! Without even saying goodbye. Apparently Jim, Andi and Jay have been in Jays office most of the day and he is making an announcement later. Kay is worried - her and Chip have always been close - and she knows his boyfriend has been putting pressure on him to move back to Ireland.

Suddenly we all hear the sound of Jay's office door opening. We all scramble back to our desks and open appropriate documents to pretend we were working. Jamie picks up his phone and fakes the end of a sales call thanking them for their interest in out products. I smirk as he winks at me.

"Good afternoon all," Jay proclaims, "I have an announcement about some staff changes, as some of you might know Chip has sadly had to leave us quite suddenly as his girlfriend is ill and I am now recruiting for a replacement."
Girlfriend I think and try not to giggle. Does Jay not understand? Bless
Jay puffs himself up and starts speaking about having a new young and dynamic team.

So more interviews in the office then? Oh joy?

Saturday, 5 September 2009

Tell me why I don't like Mondays

Because at the moment this Monday is shaping up well.

First I arrive twenty minutes late and no one even seems to notice. I even had an excuse prepared to do with water on the tube - hey there has to be some benefit of how crap London Underground are.

Second following our drinks I have decided that I will not obsess that I am not marriage material I will just be glad to have survived the potential cliff shove. On an entirely unrelated subject I do make everyone a cup of tea and coffee that morning and even offer to do the lunch time round...
I have been having fun at my job recently too - Raw has been taking me to industry conferences and letting me see their literature and I am making up brochures and media packs. I find myself taking to these like a duck to water - I actually feel like I am doing something I am good at for pretty much the first time in my life.

And Jim has said that if I want to I can work from home one day a week! Woohoo sitting on the computer in my pyjamas. If I am feeling like it I can email naked.

Ha! Naked Wednesdays!

Friday Drinks - shag marry push off a cliff...

As we appear to have bonded so much today - I decide i can go out with the workmates for a drink. I try to avoid going out with my workmates too much as I have a few situations in my last office. I made very good friends but I felt like perhaps people couldn't separate the professional Mae from the pissed up Mae. And I still have a slightly humiliating memory of entertaining the office with some dirty dancing with another girl from sales.

Yes I should definitely try and make this an exception not the rule. But there is no harm in a little glass of wine right? Otherwise I could risk them thinking I am dull and boring.

So we get to the pub they greet the landlord enthusiastically by name. Pete smiles at us with the welcoming air of one who knows we are about to spend a lot of money. I smile and wonder exactly how many hours are spent here.

As we have all had a few drinks already we are perhaps a little more loosened up than we would be normally and the conversation turns to how annoying Jay is. Followed by various and pretty amusing impressions of him. I also learn i was very lucky to get hired as he currently hates blond women due to his soon to be ex wife (blond a lot younger than him and apparently shagging a client of ours - ouch)

I feel a little nervous. Jim then  decides he should get back to his wife and children so buys us all another drink before leaving. So this will be my fourth glass of large white wine on an empty stomach. Oh dear.

Invariably after drinking too turns to sex which I try not to participate in too much. It then turns to the sales men enthusiastically playing shag, marry or push off a cliff on the ladies from our office. Considering there are only three women in the office I appear to be getting  shagged a lot. I am not entirely sure how to react to this so smile awkwardly. Does this mean I am not marriage material?

Wednesday, 2 September 2009

Apologies and practical jokes

I have sent my groveling email to May and she is smiling at me again phew. I hate upsetting people. I also feel pretty pissed. I am trying to stop myself giggling but I keep noticing that my keyboard is wobbling and it seems funny. I also see my reflection and notice my nose looks red. I giggle to myself. Right must do some work this afternoon - do not want workmates to think I am a complete lightweight I think.

I notice an email arriving in my inbox from Rob. My smile fades - it reads "How pissed are you?"

I blush and try to look hard working and sober. In my defense I am a size 10 and 5,7. I have less room to soak up alcohol than they do.

Jim leaves to go and grab cigarettes and Rob decides it is joke time. He carefully covers Jim's phone in ink so him ear will be black. He also unfolds a paper clip and picks up Jim's afternoon banana. I watch intrigued as he carefully decapitates the unsuspecting banana and replaces it. I pick it up impressed - you wouldn't have a clue the banana had been sliced in half.

Under strict instructions not to give the game away I get back to my marketing letters. Jim comes back and promptly answers his phone. Luckily he realizes immediately and laughs. He then ends up with half a banana in his lap and officially declares war on Rob. Monday morning could be interesting I think....

Tuesday, 1 September 2009

Long liquid lunches and pay day!

Hooray we get paid today! I can't stop smiling more through relief than anything else. I am not quite sure where my money has gone this month. Yes some went on shoes but only £50 and that seems reasonable.

I am not the only one in a good mood - the entire office feels a bit like summer holidays. Jim decides he will take us all out for a drink or two at lunch time. I smile happily as we all walk out. I feel included although I feel a little guilty about poor May who seems to have been stuck minding the phones. The sales guys just don't understand her - she is abrupt but she is also a really nice person.

Once we arrive at the pub Jim insists on buying a round so I decide on a large glass of white wine - hey it is summer and I am with my boss. The hour goes quickly but Jim seems unconcerned and he is my boss so I don't worry. Jim gets up and buys us all another round and I feel a little concerned. I never eat breakfast - I skipped lunch and I have just had two large glasses of wine.

I feel a little concerned and look at the guys - they all seem fine. Jamie looks rather amused. He links my arm as we walk back to the office and I stay out and steal a cigarette from him. Alcohol always makes me want to smoke although I really don't normally.

We walk in together as May is storming out. It is three and she has not been able to have lunch - she is clearly furious with all of us. I send her an email and say sorry as soon as I am back at my desk.