Christmas presents/ bribes and a lack of laxatives....

I am feeling happier today. I figure things really can't get much worse than being presented with video footage a makeout session - (Which was really unflattering) and then getting sandwiched between the two workmates you had indiscretions with. Yes today is going to be a good day.

I arrive relatively on time (9:15am - get me) and settle into my desk when an email arrives from Simon.

Look in your bottom desk draw

Kate,
Be subtle but I left something there for you. Come make tea with me in five minutes? Just want to say sorry.
S

Hmmm torn between sulking and looking I take a look in the desk - and see a bottle of Issey Miyake- my favourite perfume I can't believe he remembered

Ted comes in, Hope we are all recovered sufficiently from the party then team, he bellows

"Er hello Ted?" I say, "No one else called in sick the next day. remember?"
"Well no one else had the dodgy prawn starter" He lies
"No or five whiskey shots." I mutter.
"Do you have an off switch?" He asks, "Because thats what I want as my Christmas present."
"Do you have an on switch?" I retort, "Because I've yet to see evidence."
"Are you offering to help him find it?" Smirks Fishy.

I glare at him and Jamie looks at the two of us curiously

"So you guys up for lunch today?" Jamie asks "I want all the party updates. Can't believe I missed it.Crap time to be ill."
"Definitely" Fishy says happily, "Simon, Kate, Rob you guys coming? We should ask Andi too."
Simon and I blush.
Great just great.

"I'm making tea" I say and go to the kitchen. I boil the kettle and a few minutes later Simon arrives.
"If you want me to speak to you again you better have laxatives for Fishy's coffee" I say.
He smiles, "No just wanted to say sorry. So er sorry." He blushes "I don't want you to hate me. Especially not while you are holding hot tea."

I roll my eyes.
He sighs, "Seriosuly I feel like a complete arsehole - I just got back with my ex the weekend before and I didn't think you were interested and I'm really sorry. If you want to put laxatives in my tea you can."
I half laugh, "So the present is that a sorry present or a bribe to forgive you?"
Well if it is a bribe does that mean you have to forgive me otherwise return it?"
"Don't push it." I warn
"So are we okay?" He ask.
"Friends." I say and he gives me an awkwards hug."But if you really want to get back into my good books start thinking of revenge on Fishy.
He laughs, "I'm on it."

Awkward silences, hot sauce and a lack of seats...

I sit at my desk feeling like a moron. I start to look at some work and I see Simon and Andi arrive. Simon is sporting a bruise on his face. Rob also comes in a few minutes later. Great. I try to avoid looking at anyone and engross myself in work. Next time must choose something that has a possibility of sucess. After a minute I abandon it and browse facebook.

Ethan picks up the phone that the rest of us are ignoring and laughs when it finishes.

"Ted's called in sick today," He laughs. "What a lightweight"
"So we can talk openly then. " Fishy laughs, "Anyone else want to see last nights entertainment."
I blush which seems to make him laugh even more.
Andi says "Fishy that's so mean."
He laughs and says "Yeah like you and Rob can talk, I saw you both kissing at the end of the evening."

Andi gives a forced laugh, "What are you the office peeping Tom?"
Fishy grins, "Just a casual observer."
"Bet you were just jealous no one wanted to kiss you." Simon retorts.
"True but no one hit me because of it."
Andi looks shocked and says to Rob, "you hit him?"
Rob looks sheepish, "We're okay now right mate."
Simon blushes and says, "yeah I probably deserved it."
I avoid his eye and see an email from him flash up - it says
Kate,
Really really sorry - can we talk later?
I press delete and glare at him.

How about we all kiss and make up over lunch? " Fishy says, "Unless that would be awkward for you anyone.." He shoots me a look
"Sorry not me." Says Andi, "Gotta leave at midday."
"I'm in" say Ethan, Rob and Simon.
"So you think you can resist these guys long enough to eat lunch with us Katie?" Fishy smirks
"F*** Off." I respond. Not mature but satisfying
"So you are too scared to come?" He says
"Fine I'll come. Now will you shut up?" I glare.

Ethan decides Nandos is a good move but they only have a booth for four. Fishy says we can squeeze. I somehow end up wedged between Rob and Simon.

"Are you okay Kate?" Fishy asks, "You look a little uncomfortable....with these two."
I blush and see him smiling wickedly.

He must be stopped....

The morning after, revelations and evidence

You know it is not going to be a good day when:

• You wake up on your sofa with a stiff neck and aching body
  
• The hangover is killing you
  
• You have to shower with one arm in the air so as not to make the watch that is
  
• stuck on your wrist wet
  
• The floor is still spinning.

Okay strategy I think. I am always late to work so today I will arrive early. that will prove that I am not hungover and didn't do anything wrong. I quickly throw on some makeup - red nose is now covered up and make my way to work.

Outside the building I am filled with the urge to run like hell and call in sick. Probably not a good idea I decide so make my way in.

It is 8:45am so there is only Ethan and May in the office.

May greets me politely but looks distracted and Ethan shouts "Morning." Enthusiastically and offers me a cup of tea.
They are both being so normal I relax a bit

"So how are you feeling this morning?" Ethan asks
I blush,
"Fine fine." I lie
"So did you guys stay late?" He asks me, "Ted and I left about half ten"

Relief - he and Ted weren't there. Maybe no one actually saw us.
I blush and say, "I have someones watch stuck on my hand, can you help me get it off."
Ethan laughs, "Yeah here you are kid. Hope you didn't do anything stupid."
I blush and he gives me a hug

I begin to relax when Fishy comes in smirking.
"Morning all," He calls, "Kate you're on time? I thought you would be still sleeping it off."
I blush but say in my most sober and professional voice "No I am feeling great this morning thanks."

I am a very bad liar.

Fishy smirks, "So looking forward to the awkward moments between you and Simon?"
Ethan looks up.
I blush and say "I don't remember anything that would be awkward."
He laughs and says, "Want the visual, we got bored so took a video."

Oh shit!

Ethan looks torn between amusement and sympathy and I can feel myself going purple. Must control this blushing.

"Although," Fishy continues clearly enjoying my squirming, "I think it will be even more awkward between Simon and Rob."
"Whys that?" Ethan asks as I sink into my seat.
"Rob hit him," Fishy says "Apparently he felt it was unfair to Kate that Simon already has a girlfriend."

Er WHAT???

Party, alcohol, and pubs we are no longer welcome in

So to recap the bad influences, me Andi, Rob, Laura, Simon, Ted and several of the journalists have been drinking since midday and now moved our way into a nearby pub.

After a few more vodkas I notice it is geiting dark which I find very funny. I also realise I need the toilet and for some reason can't stop laughing on the way.

As I return from the toilet I run into Rob.
"Having a nood gight?" I ask in an attempt to be coy. Unfortunately the slurring might give me away
He laughs, "The night could be better" OH my God...... he is actually moving towards me.

You know when you do something that is a really bad idea but your brain only seems to engage half way through... Is there a polite way to ask someone to remove their tongue from your mouth? Or at least stop trying to lick your tonsils

"I think I should get back to the others." I say once I have reclaimed my mouth
He winks and says "I knew it"
I roll my eyes "Get over yourself" and stomp off. And fall over a bar stool. Ouch

So is kissing Rob worse than stacking it in a crowded pub?

I decide the best way to distract myself is to go and talk to Simon and Fishy who are right in the middle of all the other office people. Simon and I start chatting and I decide I want to wear his watch. He lets me wear it and I make him wear my bracelet. We both giggle at this and he gives me a hug.

I actually think I could fall asleep just lying on his shoulder.

Unfortunately I don't. I am not sure how but somehow I end up kissing Simon.

Proper full on passionate kissing for about ten minutes before the sounds of applause stops us

Oh Shit. SHIT

I think we got everyones attention.

We both blush and Simon wanders off to the bathroom.

Andi comes over and asks if I am okay? I say I am fine and I think I will leave soon. I look at the watch on my hand stunned. It is eleven - how did it get so late.

Suddenly a shout makes me look up and I see Simon and Rob being forcibly evicted from the pub. The landlord gestures to us - "you lot out as well". He barks. "And don't bother coming back"

Well we made an impression.

Now the big question.... tomorrow at work how am I going to live this down?

Christmas party, alcohol tears and unexplained objects next morning

So how can you tell if it was a good office party? I think mine was - here is the evidence:

• I wake up on my sofa in last nights clothes
  
• I have a hangover
  
• Memory is sketching
  
• What I do remember I am trying to block out
  
• I seem to have a mans watch stuck on my wrist.Incidentally this does not make showering easy.

I think some rules I suggested were:

• Don't drink too much
  
• Don't demonstrate special skills - these include pole dancing putting my legs behind my head or speed of bra removal
  
• Do not insult Ted. I have my appraisal next week - behave...
  
• Don't flirt
  
• Don't do anything stupid with Jamie or anyone else. (for a full list of rules visit here

Well Jamie is still sick so disappointing on the man front. He texts me and said he would be sorry to miss out and we would do something next week but... there goes my mistletoe moment.

Our party starts with a meal - nice sensible and civilised you might think. Wrong we start with a glass of champagne each. Rob Simon and I quickly steal and hide two of the bottles and pass extra under the tables. Andi notices and joins in.

We are then given wine with our meal and by the time it gets to dessert we are pretty.... happy.

At this point the secret Santa gifts are unwrapped. I won't go through all of them but highlights include Robs gift to Ted which was a Mexican bandit outfit. Ted rather drunk and red at this point immediately wears it and insists that we all call him Teduardo for the evening. I buy Rob a book of 101 cheesy chat up lines and an arse face towel. And Laura buys me a huge tray of chocolates.

After the meal we split into two groups - the sensible half and the bad influences. Guess which half I fall into? So Me, Simon, Rob, Andi, Ethan, Ted, Laura and a few of the journalists pile into the pub

After a few more glasses of wine and some tequila shots I am feeling decidedly dizzy. I have talked to ted for a while and I seem to remember telling him that nasal trimmers are just the thing for the modern man.
Is that my pay rise I seem slipping away....

I notice Rob and Laura talking and her suddenly bursting into tears. Andi and I exchange glances and follow. It turns out white wine just makes her teary. How funny I think and then see Andi start crying.

I am a bit shocked at all this crying and then to my horror tear up myself. Which turns into Andi Laura and I having a giggling tearful group hug which is interrupted by Simon and Fishy who both look terrified which makes me and Andi burst out laughing

Laura quickly dishes out cigarettes to herself and Andi. She is about to offer me one when Simon gives me one.

He actually lights it for me and then gives it to me which i find pretty cool and gives me his coat to keep warm.

To be continued .... it was a long night.....

Fishy, phobias and I must get revenge

Simon and I have been covering the office in tinsel. Rob has been covering himself in mistletoe. Fishy is looking at us like we just escaped an asylum. And Jamie is sick. He called in today sounding like death.... nooo.

Fishy is ... interesting. He and Ethan seem to be getting on well. Ted is bustling with pride that some one would be willing to work with him after enduring a two hour interview. I feel this may speak volumes about the current job market. After a morning of hard work Rob is restless and has been picking on me about everything.

"Hey can you come over here?" He calls
I sigh, Rob has literally covered his desk in mistletoe.
"I don't think it is safe." I say.
"He grins, "I took the bunch out of my trousers."
"Yes you did." I say "And we all saw the crabs scuttling away on your desk."
Simon laughs and we give each other slightly awkward smiles.

Rob wanders off clearly annoyed at not being the centre of attention and Fishy gives me and Simon a weird look.

"Is he coming back?" Fishy asks after a few minutes, "He is supposed to be training me."
He's probably toilet" Simon says and we both laugh again.
When Rob returns I say "Were you wanking in the toilet again Rob? We talked about that before."
He laughs and comes over to my desk putting his arms around me so his hands rest on the desk surface.
"You know you'll be lost without me."
"Yes but the men will have to use less air fresher." I retort.
Rob laughs and goes back to his desk and I go to type

And notice a the huge spider he has left my desk..

Which is moving towards me

THERE IS A SPIDER ON MY DESK!

I back out of my chair screaming and Rob virtually wets himself laughing.

Fishy joins in the laughter and Ethan seems to be torn between laughing and disapproving.

I refuse to go back to my desk until Ethan has taken the spider outside (I won't let him kill it)

Simon gives me a hig and and helps me shift through all the papers to prove the desk is safe now.
"Sorry I didn't get rid of the spider for you" he whispers. "But I can't stand the things.

Unfortunately for Rob I am his secret Santa. At the party he will pay.....

Secret Santa and Fishy drinks

So last week was eventful highlights were:

• Naked Ted pictures - instant diet remedy you will never want to eat again
  
• Scary rabbits
  
• Flashers
  
• Vomit
  
• Hand holding

These did not all happen at the same time but I can see why the connection could be made. But this week will beat it all because Thursday is our Office Christmas Party! An excuse to leave work at midday and drink until they throw us out! Of course I shall be remaining sober and I am not at all excited that Jamie is single.... No definitely not.

But first we have a new boy - Mr Jimmy Fisher aka Fishy (his choice)
Fishy is taking over from Rob at the end of December and Ted is fawning all over him.
"Fishy will bring a level of professionalism that this office is sadly lacking so far." He says looking at me and the sales boys sternly.
"I didn't think you were that unprofessional Ted." I say, "But you may need to work on your people skills.”
Ted gives me an evil smile,
"That reminds me evaluations and pay rises are taking place first week in January so I need to send forms to you."

Oh Crap – yes history has been made Ted has figured out how to shut me up

"So TEAM sales," Ted continues, "And Marketing " Simon interjects,
"Well anyway TEAM TED," Ted continues ,"We need to make a good impression on Fishy. He has great experience and a great CV. The only negative thing is...." WE all look up...
"Apparently he likes a drink a bit too much."
Ethan rolls his eyes, "Ted you told us to take him to the pub for a welcome lunch."
"Oh I know." Says Ted, "Just don't let him get drunk. And that reminds me - it's Christmas party on Thursday and we need to do an office Secret Santa. Who was in last today?"
Everyone laughs
"Right." Ted grins, "Katie you are officially in charge of the Secret
Santa, make sure everyone gets a name and make sure you include Fishy. And No cheating.."

Anyone else think it might have been nice to arrange this more than two days in advance?

How to discourage a flasher and single work mates!

So just for a change Rob, Jamie, Simon and I all go for drinks. I try to persuade Andi to come but she says she is going to go out with her boyfriend instead. I think she is avoiding Rob...

Rob takes us into a dark dank little pub right near Victoria Station and orders a round of tequila shots.
"What are we drinking to?" I ask
"Drunken women" Rob says.
"They'd have to be paralytic to go near you mate.” Jamie teases.
"Enough." Rob commands, "One, two, three."

Drinks 1-2

"So have you got a present yet for your girlfriend?" Rob asks Jamie smirking in my direction.
"No." Jamie says, "We actually broke up yesterday"
I look up…. Jamie is single? Is this my Christmas present?
"Seriously?" Asks Simon
"Yeah" Jamie replies, "It wasn't really working. Besides I have my eye on someone else."

He has his eye on someone else?? Act casual Kate ACT Casual

I try and ignore the slight blush I can feel and see Simon looking at me.
He says "I think you're in there Rob. You and Jamie make a lovely couple"
Rob laughs, "He wishes"
Jamie laughs, "On that note more tequilas?"

Drinks 4, 5 , 6……???????

Several tequilas later and I seem to have decided it is a good idea to demonstrate the fact that I can put my legs behind my head. Note to self this is not a good thing to do in public especially not when wearing a skirt. Classy Kate really classy – is this why I'm single?

Jamie has decided to go outside and throw up on the pavement and Rob seems to be so drunk that he doesn’t realise that he is feeling Simon up (who is sitting between us) not me. Simon seems torn between laughing and looking violated and is inching away from Rob as close to me as he can. I see Robs hand start stroking his knee and Simon jumps up nervously.

"Think I'd better get going" He slurs.

Rob and Jamie both murmur “light weiighsss” as we stagger out.

Simon and I jump and the train together and sit holding hands for a few minutes. I sort of think this is a bad idea but then the drunk part of me thinks it is a good idea.

As we arrive at Warren Street Simon realises he is going the wrong way and quickly jumps off. I can’t seem to stop giggling and carry on until someone sits next to me.
The train is empty so I find this a little odd but I am feeling sicker and sicker so I stare out of the window and try and concentrate on not throwing up.

Oh God, I think I am going to be sick.

Suddenly the man next to me taps me on the shoulder at which point two things happen.

1 - I realise he is exposing himself...
2 - As I turn around I throw up in his naked lap....

He jumps up and runs off the train at Kings Cross leaving a trail.
Gross - Yes.
Deserved - Maybe.
Am I relieved it wasn't a little old lady asking the time? Oh God yes

Christmas party sweepstake kisses and vomit

This morning I arrive late as usual to find Jamie looking shift and quickly hiding his computer screen from me.

“What’s that?” I demand
“Nothing.” He says
This is weird Jamie and Rob both look like they were caught with their hands in the cookie jar and Simon is blushing. Ethan looks half disapproving and Ted is nowhere to be seen.

So where’s Ted? I ask

Ethan laughs, “He has a hangover he’ll be in late.”
We all join in laughing

Poor Ted, he had a work event last night and was lecturing all of us on how to learn self control. Apparently he needs to learn this himself.

I offer to make tea and Simon comes to help.
“So what’s the chart?” ask him
Simon looks guilty. “What chart?”
“You are a worse liar than I am!” I say “I thought that was impossible.”
He blushes, “I promised not to tell.”
I do my best pathetic look much to his apparent amusement
“Please tell me?”
He shrugs,
“Christmas party sweepstake.”
The what?
“Sweepstake who will get drunkest throw up, hook up.” He avoids my eyes at the last part.
“Let me guess Rob?” I say

I march over to Jamie’s desk, “Show me the sweepstake now!”
He laughs “Simon cracked after five minutes? Damn I had thirty seconds.”
“Show me it right now or I will pour this hot tea on you.” I say
He laughs and opens up the screen.

Work Christmas Party Sweepstake Place your bets now
Who is most likely to hook up
Kate with Jamie/Rob/Simon
Andi and Rob/Jamie/Simon
Laura and Rob/Jamie
Ethan and Ted
Jamie and May

Most likely to get drunk and be sick first
Jamie
Simon
Rob
Ethan
Andi
Kate
Ted

So I have two questions should I be annoyed and who am I hoping to draw for my £2?

Revenge of the killer rabbits and naked Ted

So after wounding Rob's er... baubles he has kind of declared war. I am not sure if I prefer this to the flirting. Seeing as he only has a month left he seems to have made sleeping with me his number one goal. I have told him a million times it is not going to happen but he has upped the flirting 100% which seems to be annoying both Andi and Jamie.

I think something might have happened between Andi and Rob but I don’t know how to ask her. I have seen her looking rather red eyed though and have emailed her saying I am here if she needs to talk.

In the meantime today has been interesting. I arrive late as usual only to find someone changed my desktop to a screensaver with a scary rabbit. I promptly starting screaming and run to the other side of the room and hit until Simon changes it for me. I try to go back to my desk with some dignity but everyone is still laughing and then to make matters worse I fall off my shoes.

Don’t you love Mondays?

The days carries on being kind of crappy. I have to give a marketing update in the sales meeting. It is just in front of the guys so not too scary but I still don’t like presentations.

I like them even less when I open up my folder find starring back at me a very well endowed naked man with Teds face photo shopped onto him. It has the message “Hellooooo Dolly” underneath it.

I give a small squeal but try and cover this up with a fake cough.
Ted is giving me a funny look but luckily doesn’t say anything. Unfortunately the picture has had some effect in that every time I look at Ted I blush and the more I try not to the redder I can feel myself going.

“All okay Katie?” Jamie asks, “You look a bit hot and bothered.”

Is murder at work ever justified?

Cokehead boss and baubles taking a hit

Poor Jay, he seems to have gone further and further into a cocaine filled haze these days. I would feel sorry for him if he wasn't such an asshole. He has been basically threatening all of us with having to work Christmas even and new years even and he has been dangling the promises of a bonus above us. We have a sweepstake in what this will actually be. Jamie thinks 50p.

Jay is so rich and removed from this world he has no idea about having to pay rent and thinks we all dress shabbily as we can't afford designer labels and this from a man who chooses to wear braces?

Jay walked down today with a bounce in his step. I inwardly groaned Jay makes even less sense when he is high.
"Katie I have an idea." He announced. "We take pictures of all of us and create a card on our website. We could make all our heads dance. Start to arrange the pictures. Theres a good Katie."
I glare at his back as he saunters out the office doing alittle jig by the door.

"So your doing a photoshot eh good Katie?" Rob says.
"Shut up." I say
"So you getting your baubles out for this?" He says
"Say that again and you won't be using yours." I say.
" I don't need to say but I can imagine.. ouch" He says as I kick him. Yep in the balls.

Mean or deserved?

Jamie and Simon burst out laughing and Rob hops around for a bit groaning.

I get the feeling Rob is plotting revenge already...

HR nightmare, Ted losing his hair and red cheeks

There are days when I think Ted is clueless. And other days when I recieve concrete proof.

He announced this morning "I am so sick of bloody job interviews. I never want to see another candidate in my life."
Unfortunately for Ted Rob quitting means he needs to line up a new person pronto so Rob can train him while he is still here.

Poor Ted has been looking stressed and is bullying Simon about interview techniques and impressions after one candidate withdrew his application following a lengthy chat with Ted.
"So during your interview did I come across well?" He demands to Simon
"Um yeah I think so." Simon says looking a bit pink. Jamie grins.
"And you enjoyed it then? And learnt a lot of industry gold?" Ted continues.
Jamie and I both silently shake trying not to laugh.
Simon goes redder and nods umcomfortably at which point Rob takes pity and says, "Leave the poor boy alone Ted he is hardly going to tell his boss if the interview was crap."

Hello Ted this is reality calling - nice to meet you.

Ted looks taken aback and says very seriously,"Simon I and in fact the team, THE TEAM need your honest feedback. Do it for the team."

Jamie Rob and I all laugh simultaneously - good to see who has their minds in the gutter.

Simon sighs and says "Really it was fine."
"Total honesty Simon." Ted says, "feedback and evaluation for the TEAM we should all strive for self improvement. Even experienced managers like me."
"Well I thought that perhaps telling me about your past job history and qualifications for an hour and a half was a little too much." Simon says quietly. "I really liked the pub part though." He adds.

Ted looks shocked by the criticism but recovers quickly.
"Anything else you think I could have sold better?" He says
Simon grins, "well you could have told me Marketing likes to flash occasionally.
I throw my book at him
"Ow"

Come on now children," Ethan says, "How about you do a quick one hour interview Ted and then we have an evening to meet them? Saves everyones time"
Ted nods, "Sounds like a plan, I'm looking to hire someone before Christmas so I figure it will have to be a man."
"Why?" I protest. "I am sick of being outnumbered."
"Can you really see Rob training a hot young dolly without a sexual harassment suit? "
Jamie laughs, "He has you there mate."

He does but dolly? Seriously? Good job we don't have an HR department

Resignations and challenges

So why are you leaving? We all ask. repeatedly

Rob has insisted that we all buy the first round before we he is saying a word. As annoying as this is I also admire his style. The man certainly knows how to get what he wants.

"Have you got a new job?" Jamie says
"Or are you just going for a pay rise?" Ethan interjects.
Rob laughs “No I am 100% serious guys."
We are all quiet for a moment – the office without Rob?
“But why?” Jamie finally asks.

"Well after breaking up with my girlfriend it got me thinking, I'm 32 and I've been working since I was 16 and mostly in sales. One morning I just thought you know what I want something different. I want more fun while I am single and uncommitted and still have all my own hair. So I decided to book a round the world trip."

"Oh my God you’re actually serious. So when are you flying out?" I say stunned.
"I leave for Hong Kong on the 5th January."

We all are quiet for a moment. Rob can drive me mad on occasions but he is good fun and we will all be really sorry to see him go.
"So are you going to have a leaving do?" Jamie asks
Rob grins, "Do you know me at all mate? Not even just one. I was thinking something along the lines of the twelve drinks of Christmas…. You guys up to it"
The guys cheer
"Besides I know you all want as much of me as possible while I’m still around.” He says giving me a look
I roll my eyes and Ron leans in and gives me a hug, "You know you'll miss me when I am gone."
"Cut out groping me" I say.


The others look up,
"Don't get excited." I say, “It's his thing he gives you a hug and makes sure your chest is pressed against him."
"I feel so left out" said Simon with his best injured look. “What’s wrong with my chest.” We laugh
"Ah the old boob brush." Jamie says. “Tried and tested”
“You two are disgusting.” I say

“Maybe but the ladies love me.” Rob gins
“By ladies do you mean prostitutes?” I ask "Because I am sorry to tell you this but it is not love it’s just money.”
Rob laughs sand punches me lightly "Can you go an hour without being a smartass?"
“Can you go an hour without being a sleaze?" I retort
"See what I mean?" The guys laugh. Traitors.

“Maybe we should make a competition of it.” Ethan suggests.

Now this could liven up the week... just need to think of what he has to do when he loses.....

Poking the beast aka Ted and Rob drops a bombshell

I think I might have pushed Ted a little further than was fair. He’s still on a major drive to try and motivate the sales team. This includes him standing up and cheering whenever sales come through and now he has decided to hold a weekly meeting on Monday mornings. He initially wanted to hold it at 8:30am so it wouldn't cut into work time. I pointed out that if it didn’t cut into work time did that mean it was optional so the conclusion was it begins at 10am.

Considering I am marketing and not sales I feel a little annoyed at having to go along to another sales meeting.

"Right TEAM" Ted barks at us all - I think he is trying to be motivational but he just looks red and a little sweaty. "I want you all to sell sell sell this week and beat every target."
I sigh I feel tempted to ask if I should market market market but I think he might say yes.

"So TEAM." Ted continues, "Are we ready to be the best we can be this week?"
I sigh and see Simon and Jamie both sniggering across the table and Ethan looking impatient.
"So let’s start with Ethan." Ted booms, "Board Leader again, you are the one to beat so show the guys how to do it."
Ethan sighs and says mildly, "Well I could tell them my sales pitch but to be honest I would rather just get on the phone and earn my commission." He looks around and adds, "Of course if anyone really does want to know more I am happy to let you listen to my calls or give you feedback on yours."
"Great answer Sales man number one." Says Ted clearly not having listened to a word of it. Ethan rolls his eyes.
Ted then turns to me “Now you Kate how are you planning to smash your targets today?"
"Well I don’t work in sales so I wasn't." I say.
"That's not the attitude.” Ted responds. “How do you intend to bring in revenue?"
I sigh “I have some promotional campaigns to analysis today so I can look at future revenues."
"No." says Ted. “Revenue today, how do you intend to bring in money today?"
"I think I will have a sandwich for lunch." I respond.
Ted looks confused and I smirk. Ha that finally got through to him.
"Kate I asked a question." Ted says,
"And I ignored it and moved on." I say.
I got the ears to go purple before 10am - new record and I know I shouldn’t poke the beast but he makes it too easy…

After Ted has finished glaring at me he turns to Rob, "So what are you planning on doing today Rob?" He asks.
Rob smiles lazily. "Well I was planning on resigning."
Mine Jamie's and Ethan’s jaws all drop… what the ...
"Here's my letter" Rob says.

The meeting promptly finishes and Jamie and I grab Rob with the words "Pub lunchtime tell us what is going on!"

Pub conversations, party preparation

So Kate out of me Rob and Simon which would you?" Jamie asks?

I sigh, "Must we have this again?"

Andi laughs and says “Personally I could never sleep with Jamie." She gives him a hug before saying, "He's like my little brother..... but then I couldn't kill him so it would have to be a boring sexless marriage."

"So who are you shagging then? Rob or Simon?" Rob asks.

She looks a little embarrassed and says, "Well Simon is kinda young for me..."

Rob looks pleased with himself and I give Andi a bit of a look....I have noticed her and Rob seeming very close recently....not that I would mind except for Andi's fiancée. I also know her and her fiancée have been rowing a lot. I lean over and whisper, “Careful remember what he uses to think with.”
She laughs and squeezes my hand.

"So how about you Kate?" Rob asks smugly? “Fancy a shag as well. I know you ladies can’t resist me."
Jamie glares at him "I am pretty sure even Kate is smarter than that!"
"What’s that supposed to mean?" I demand?"
"Just answer the question." He says tensely who do you prefer me or Rob?"

I glare

"Fine I just pushed you both of the cliff and shagged Simon twice."

Jamie glares and stomps off to the bar while Rob laughs.

Simon who has gone a bit pink smiles at me and whispers" I finally survived the cliff drop."


"So why are we on this topic again anyway?" I ask when Jamie returns carrying a tray and lots of drinks and apparently tequila shots.

Rob and Jamie look a little embarrassed.

"You have to tell us now." I say

Rob and Jamie give each other looks before Rob replies, "Well we were talking about the Christmas party the other day...."

I'd forgotten this was coming. The Christmas party or how to make a complete idiot of yourself in front of all your work colleagues.

As Rob goes to the mens room Jamie says to me "So if I was single and there was mistletoe.... hypothetically."
I blush, "So hypothetically how much have I been drinking?" I ask. Jamie smiles and looks pleased with himself. Oh God this is a bad bad bad idea.

Kate's Christmas party do's and don'ts

1. Do not drink too much - this leads to even more clumsiness, embarrassing conversations, suggestions that your boss dresses up as a giant avocado and lowered inhibitions. None of these are a good idea.
2. Do not under any circumstances do anything with a work colleague.
3. If you do break rule 2 at least go outside where no one can see you and hence take the piss for years.
4. Do not have any wardrobe malfunctions.
5. Do not talk to Ted - you will end up fired.
6. Do not revenge flirt with anyone no matter how much provocation.
7. In fact do not flirt.

Think I can manage any of these?

Big boss, and reasons to leave your drug habit at home

Today I have been preparing for my Christmas promotion which has actually been a lot of fun. I get to give away champagne to all prized subscribers and go and buy gifts for them. This sounds like fun but unfortunately I have to go with Jay to choose them which is not.

Jay is the CEO - über posh and über annoying. The last meeting I had with him he made a joke about all the minions earning 30K or less. In retaliation I may have spat in his tea...... Yeah I know immature but the man is moron. And incredibly scary I always seem to stammer like an idiot around him.

However today he has brightened the atmosphere, not intentionally. As we are all sat at our desks in a rare moment of working (Yes these do happen) Jay bounces in. Literally. He can’t keep still and is doing a weird little jig.

"Ah the young sales team good good good." He proclaims in his prince Charles-esque nasally voice
We all look up at him. Jay's announcements are dull as hell but we know to pay careful attention or risk being shouted at.

"Everyone is a young vibrant team member here!" Jay says importantly, "And you all have the potential for greatness.Expanding to greatness in the publishing world. Little Acorns Mighty Oak Trees Grow and you are all acorns with potentials to launch that ship."
I glance at Ted and see his ears beginning to go red. After ten more minutes of listening to Jay spout rubbish Ted takes him upstairs for a brief meeting.

When Ted returns free of Jay Simon says,
"Hey Kate do you have any coke in your desk? I'm kind of thirsty?"
I splutter trying not to laugh and Jamie replies, "I have some Simon, I am a complete addict."
"Thanks." Simon smooths his blonde hair his face the picture of innocence.
"You know it is near Christmas." Rob says with a smirk, Anyone got a favourite song?"
"It's got to be Dreaming of a White Christmas" I reply.

Jamie grins, I prefer the more modern stuff, "White stripes anyone?"
"Will you lot shut the F*ck up?" Ted suddenly shouts.

Surreptitiously I glance at my emails - there is one from Laura sent an hour ago saying "Look out for Jay, he got a delivery this morning and has been high as a kite ever since."

Pros and Cons of having a boss with a blatant coke addiction:

• Pros: He never notices when we are slacking as he spends a lot of the time out of it
• Cons: He is prone to mood swings and scariness.
• Pros: he isn't around much.
Cons: If he puts all the companies money up his nose it might go bust.
• Con: Ted has more power when he is on another planet.

Quick reminder as well anyone that won a prize Here needs to email me their address. Email covertkate@gmail.com

Thanks

Red thongs, blushing wars, and think before speaking

Hmmm Ted has obviously been told by Jay to motivate everyone more. The sales are down and Ted is trying to push. So far he has attempted to introduce a round of applause for every sale, a twenty pound win for the board leader and occasional bouts of cheering.

This morning as he comes into the office he sings "Scooby Dooby Doo" and then points and winks.
I ask him politely if he is drunk from last night which does not go down at all well.

Ted then tries to give us a big speech,
"Team remember you have to be the best sales team you can be!" He says chest heaving with emotion.
"Seize your targets and smash them."
I have been preparing to make a sarcastic comment towards this but unfortunately lean back in preparation of my own wit and instead fall backwards off my chair.

While I seem to do fall over a lot this was pretty spectacular... and a bad day to wear a bright red thong. As the team explodes with laughter I pick myself up blushing. Hopefully they will be too polite to comment.

"Wow Kate you've gone as red as hmmmm maybe a pair of very red pants." Jamie says wickedly. "Wouldn't you agree Simon?"
Simon goes bright red as well now we look like the tomato twins.

Great I just flashed two work colleagues. I'm like an unpaid stripper I'm doing it for free.
"Kate I think you embarrassed Simon." Rob observes.
"No I'm fine its all fine." Simon stammers going even redder.
"I don't think Simon liked your underwear Kate." Jamie says.

I glare at him, "Look can you all just get your heads out of my pants." I shout.

I did not just say that.....
" mean," I say weakly but now everyone is laughing too hard to notice. Even Ethan and Simon....

I think I just took the lead in the blushing war with Simon...

Who we are quiz, pay it forward and the colour of Ted's underwear...

Okay I lied. Ted's underwear will not get a mention. A while ago I took part in a pay it forward game where someone sends you something nice and then you pay it forward. (Edit this is not to do with that Haley Joel Osment film that child terrifies me)

I thought it might be fun to do a bit of a version of my blog - but make it into a bit of a quiz because I'm bored and that sounded fun.

Rules:

• Only one prize per person
  
• UK delivery only (sorry but I'm poor)
  
• Try and do something nice for someone else if you win.

Prizes to be won include:

• The Kate package: More suitable for women kind of girly with the odd weird addition
  
• The Rob: For the ladies man who likes to drink a lot
  
• The Simon: For the all around nice man or woman
  
• The Jamie: For the sports loving player type
  
• The Andi: The fun and down to earth one
  
• The Ted: For the wannabe micro manager
  
• The Ethan: For the big brother types

To win one of these just give the right answer to the person you want to win. (they are all in the blog somewhere)

• To win Kate: How much do I get paid? Won by Lizzie Loves..
  
• To win Simon: How many beers did he drink in the pub interview?
  
• To win Jamie: Who when annoyed at him nicknamed him Gaymie? Won by plentymorefishoutofwater
  
• To win Rob: Does he want to be Beavis or Butthead? Won by bedshaped
  
• To win Ted: What is the best Teddism?
  
• To win Ethan: What was on his socks that upset Ted? Won by I am Roszs. Hear me ROAR. Miaow
  
• To win Andi: Who did she team up with in the latest prank war? Won by Hiding Myself From Me

And here is a short reminder of who everyone is:


Kate: That's me!

Jay – The CEO – a complete snob who loves to talk down to you.

Andi – American admin manager.

Jamie –The cute sales man.

Rob – Salesman and extreme charmer.

Ethan – The office big brother

Simon: the New sales junior, sweet and nice but desperate to prove he is not a total innocent at the moment.

Ted - A.k.a Mr Motivator. Oh dear.

May – Sensible and on occasions scary. Rob and Jamie are bother terrified of her. I think she is great.

Stee - Graphic designer.

Laura - Poor accountant who is stuck working alone with Jay. Very scatty and on the rare occasions she joins us for drinks a lot of fun

Ted updates me on Arthur and I am a bad employee

Ah the meeting with Arthur. Ted says we need to have a chat this afternoon.

Unfortunately I remember some of my ideas included:

• Suggesting we had more attractive people on the covers of our magazines and books. I seem to remember I also went into a ten minute rant about mullet man feature last week
  
• Making Ted dress up as an piece of fruit once a week
  
• Making a few reader quizzes with decent prizes rather than just subscriptions to our stuff. Yes I think those were my actual words.

So I am pretty nervous when Ted takes me into the meeting room.

He clears his throat importantly and says" "Arthur has spoken in depth to Jay about you."
I blush and try to look innocent and wrongfully accused.
Ted looks at me oddly, "Are you all right Katie - you looked a bit deranged."

Oh God I think - stop looking deranged. I can feel myself getting redder and I know I am doing a weird scary starry smile.
"I'm fine." I stammer looking at the floor and trying to stop myself turning into a human tomato.

"Anyway," Ted says clearly deciding being alone in a room with a crazy woman is a bad plan. "Arthur was hugely impressed by your ideas and enthusiasm. So much so he wants you to join our management meetings."

Arthur was impressed I think utterly stunned. Was he drunk too? Then I realise what Ted has said. Management meetings. I look up in horror. These are the most boring meetings in the history of the world

"Are you sure?" I say "I mean I'm not very.....management type."
Good one Kate
"Yes." Says Ted glaring, "Believe me it's not my decision."
"So do I have to do anything?" I ask nervously.
"Not much Ted says, "The occasional presentations, take notes and try not to be a smart ass.You might want to practise that. Extensively."

I hate him.

Ted is the boss, and revenge pranks

So while Ted ans Ethan are in a meeting I decide they best way to take my mind of what impression I gave to Arthur is to concentrate on revenge. Specifically for Rob. I love him but the man must pay for the double incident.

I grab Simon in the kitchen and enlist him. Simon has some interesting ideas he seems a good person to get on side. We start out waiting until Rob goes to the toilet and double team him. I quickly soak his chair so he will get wet when sitting down and Charlie prints out a note.

Rob is known for taking a while in the toilet so after five minutes Simon and I slip a note under the door. It says
"We know you're wanking in there."

We hear Rob laughing from inside and Andi and May come over to see the commotion. Andi immediately decides to join in but teams up with Rob. (Traitor)
May smiles and warns us to be careful Ted doesn't spot us when he gets back. Rob and Andi pay us back by swapping letters on our keyboards and it all descends to a nice game of office cricket when Ted gets back.
May spots him first and calls us and we are all sitting serenely in our desks by the time he returns.

Ted looks around, "Been working hard all?" He asks
"How was the meeting?" Rob asks Ethan. Ethan smirks, "They liked my socks and I got a signed contract for two months sales.
WE applaud Ethan and Ted looks a little sour.

Teds back, sock rows and bad news....

So to recap last week was an unqualified disaster. I think I hit a whole new level of stupidity in how not to get promoted - achievements included:

• Not making Jamie jealous 
  
• Making a complete idiot of myself in front of date who actually turned out to be very sweet - I now have to go to a different coffee shop 
• Getting drunk before meeting the important shareholder
  
• Kicking the printer so hard I think I might have broken a toe
  
• Arson at Zizzi’s
  
• Following the arson incident admitting what happened on the date to the guys.... who laughed
  
• Then splitting an entire tub of cheer up cookies and cream ice cream with Andi. The ice cream was a cheer up present from Rob. Very sweet but I am still plotting revenge for the G&T's
This week must do better must be professional and aloof and not embarrass self. Today is starting off badly. For one thing Ted is back and blustering around. I arrive (late as usual 9:20 – not too bad….) to find Ted and Ethan having a blazing row.

“But the smallest thing could make a difference to the sale” Ted insists. Ethan sighs clearly trying to remain calm, "Well how about if I don’t make a sale we can ask them afterwards if the four-leaf clovers are the reasons for not signing? I think it is unlikely don't you?" Ted frowns "Ethan it is just we have to convey an image of complete professionalism and your socks are frivolous" "Well the clovers on my socks must be bring me luck." Ethan retorts "Seeing as I am top of the sales board again."

Ouch. It is very unlike Ethan to ever lose his temper or be anything but nice and friendly even to Ted but I can see his point. Ethan is one of the best salesmen. In fact they all seem to have very high figures. Except Ted that is....

After they calm down I settle myself onto some promotions and pretend that I arrived on time. Ted and Ethan are gathering up their belongings when as Ted leaves he says, "Oh Kate that reminds me I need to talk to you about your meeting with Arthur." Arthur is the shareholder.... the one I met whilst a drunken idiot. Oh crap

Hi Simon, jealousy and the fire of karma

Pretty sure this will go in history as one of my stupidest things to date.
The day started so well. Simon arrived he seems really great. I have put Jamie in a terrible mood by mentioning my lunch date as often as possible. The guys all go to the pub for lunch and I remind them loudly that I am going on a date with coffee guy and might take an extended lunch.
Jamie glares. Ethan rolls his eyes. “Have fun and try not to fall off the shoes Kate.”

Hmm the shoes are lovely it a little difficult to walk in. However I didn’t fall over on the date. I wish…..

I met coffee man who seemed nice, friendly and actually quite good fun. We went to a nice Italian restaurant with candles on the table - nice. He tells me he’s been wanting to ask me out for months which pretty much makes me feel like a maggot for using him to make Jamie jealous. I decide maybe I should move on to some one who is single.

Lunch flies by and we both realize we have to dash back to our offices. He insists on paying. I try to put in half but he won’t let me. As we leave I wipe my hands with the cloth napkin and toss it back onto the table.

On the candle.

Which sets it alight

And then sets the table cloth on fire

I just set the table on alight....



Oh my God it has all gone up in smoke - literally. The waiters run over with jugs of water. I don’t think I have ever been this embarrassed in my life.

I run out of the restaurant.

Yeah he's never calling me again...and I am pretty sure I am banned from that restaurant.

I hate karma. And napkins

Drunk at work, bad influences and meetings

So I decide to solve my co-worker crush by going to the pub with Rob, Ethan Jamie and Andi.
Very mature I know.

Rob laughs and says he wants to see if I do better with presentations when drunk. Must not drink too much I think as he brings me a Gin and Tonic. This is at midday my meeting is at 3pm. It will be fine.

Gin and Tonic number 1

Rob is probably right a drink will help the nerves when meeting the shareholder of our company I think. And Rob is being very sweet and keeps offering to get more drinks

Gin and Tonic number 2

Oh did I mention Ted is on holiday so there is no pressure to get back to work…

We begin chatting about various topics that I am going to suggest you keep out of your own office including:

• If Ted realises that we all steal his biros every time he gets a new one.
• If you cut off and ate your own arm (not taking bleeding into consideration whether you would weigh the same or less) I suggest less due to calories burned eating it.
• If you would rather lose a leg or never be able to have sex again
• If you would consider incest if your sister looked like Angelina Jolie.

Gin and Tonic number 3

I haven’t eaten today and I have had three G&T’s and feel very bad...

Ethan suddenly says “We’ve been over two hours we better get back to the office.”

There are groans all around and I try to stand up and realise the floor is moving. It seems very funny.

Ethan looks at me in horror – “How much have you had?”

“I’m not sure.” I say smiling, “Rob brought me drink to drink.” I laugh and fall over. Ethan rolls his eyes and says “He’s been giving you doubles you idiot”

Oops.

I end up being carried by Ethan back to the office. We meet May there who takes one look at me and starts yelling at Rob. I try to tell her not to be cross but can’t stop laughing.

The next half hour consists of Andi and May feeding me toast and coffee continually and by the time our shareholder arrives I can at least walk. Not sure I made a good impression...

Things I learnt today:

• Never let Rob buy you a drink
• Ethan is surprisingly strong
• May is wonderful in a crisis
• Instant coffee tastes like crap
• Men will commit incest if their sister is hot enough

Kreativ Blog Award

Woo I just won my first award ever -the Kreativ Blogger award, given by Plentymorefishoutofwater. He is hilarious and I recommend everyone follows him immediatel

As part of this I need to write seven things about me ... so here goes seven previously undisclosed facts about Kate:

1 My arms, legs hands, wrists and feet are all double jointed. It can seriously freak some people out.

2 My nicknames include: Daisy, Kitkat, Cactus, Blondie, Trouble and Elliot-alike

3 Apparently I remind lots of people of the blonde girl from Scrubs due to extreme blondness and how high and fast I talk. This gets made worse when i am flustered or annoyed

4 I refuse to leave the house unless my underwear is matching and pretty. This is not in case I get killed by a bus but in case I survive it and am operated on by a cute doctor.

5 I really struggle to make things work on the blog. Case in point the sentence above is in italic and it is not meant to be.

6 I have to carry my passport around with me in order to get served in bars which is really annoying as I am over 25!

7 I have total rabbit phobia much to everyone’s amusement. The sight of a rabbit makes me scream a fact that my workmates use to their advantage often. It stems from Watership Down a terrifying film I watched when I was very young


Finally, I must pass on this Kreativ Blogger award someone else. I really struggled as there are so so many amazing bloggers but I finally narrowed to three so honourable mentions go to:

http://youmakemydate.blogspot.com - I have only been following Sara for a short time but she is so funny. As a dating disaster she is letting the public vote on what she does when dating. It's almost a reality TV show in a blog...but better.

http://thelifechick.blogspot.com The stories in this blog are inspired by the funny, tedious, or painfully humiliating experiences - definitely worth checking out 

And the winner is: Danzers!
A real-life light-hearted serial about a midlife crisis, why his wife might be a Prostitute and how he's going to leave her and move to the South of France with a Polish pole-dancer! Happy reading.



So thanks again Fish!
Kate x

Silly games, flirting, jealousy in a far too small office

I must stop having a crush on my co-worker especially now he has a girlfriend it is becoming embarrassing.
Today Jamie and I have been scoring points (no not the fun kind.) Every sentence he says starts with "My girlfriend" In retaliation I have responded with constant mentions of "My date."

Rob eventually gets annoyed and starts pelting the pair of us with crumpled paper balls. I decide to join him for a cigarette despite the fact I don’t smoke.

"So what’s going on with you and Jamie?" He asks
"Nothing" I say "he has a girlfriend remember."
Rob laughs "Yeah but that’s just another notch on the wall for him."
"Yeah exactly." This is the problem with being one of the boys. You learn stuff about them that you probably shouldn't.

Rob gives me a hug and says.
"You know I'm still single...."
"Yes and just last week you told me you were looking to shag your way through a rugby team by the end of the year." I say.
He laughs "I could try not to."
"While that is tempting I think I’ll pass. Besides I have to work for this stupid presentation I’m giving this afternoon remember?"
Rob smiles - "Dutch courage that’s what you need."

I get the feeling this is a really bad idea. Must not drunk too much and make idiot of self in front of shareholders. Must not be so nervous I can't speak in front of shareholders, must not fall over in front of shareholders.

As we walk back into the office Jamie loudly mentions his girlfriend.

I email Rob saying a drink sounds like a great idea.

Simon says... stay of execution and a date!

So Simon was offered the job!

Ted rang his recruitment consultant this morning and said how impressed he was by this young mans demeanour. Not to mention the other one ran away screaming eh Ted?

Simon for some unknown reason has accepted and is joining us on Wednesday next week. True to form we have immediately organised welcome to the team drinks for Wednesday lunch. Even better as Ted is on holiday Tuesday and Wednesday next week.

It was also a good day as I ended up not having to do my presentation in the dreaded management meeting. To explain why this is so scary once a month every Friday all the managers which include Ted, Jay, Andi and May have an all day meeting with one of our shareholders.

It tends to go on until past five and at lunchtime Andi emerges and begs each of us in turn to either poison shoot or incapacitate her so she doesn’t have to go back. I also hate giving presentations. This week though they were so busy there wasn't time for a marketing presentation. The shareholder is popping in Wednesday afternoon to meet me so I can give it to him one to one. So bets on whether I can do this without screwing it up? Or blushing?

And I have a revenge flirting plan. Jamie is still going on about his new girlfriend constantly... but I have a date. Every week I go and grab a coffee at about 11am. For the last month a guy called Tim has been chatting to me - he works in the area and has been pressing for a lunch date. So I am going out with him next Thursday. Take that Jamie.

Right off for Jacks leaving do - must make sure I mention the date.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Job interviews and scoring 6 out of 5

The two interviewees - just to recap there was Simon the sweet and nice guy who seems a little shy and Janice the louder of the two who seems good fun but has the worlds most annoying laugh.

However, Janice clearly didn't like the look of us as she left after just one glass of wine and said she wanted to "Go spend time with her real friends." Ouch.

As the night went on Ted was being his normal incredibly annoying self - insisting Simon spends five minutes chatting to each of us individually as an informal interview. Simon rolled his eyes at this but took it well.

I go and take my five minutes of Simon time after Ted bribes me with another drink. I hate it when Ted is smart.

I awarded Simon a point system during the interview - not for the purposes of hiring him but just whether I thought we'd get on. His score is below

"Hey Simon I'm Kate." I say
He smiles and says, "I feel like I've gone speed dating or something which is weird as you are the first female I've gotten - do you think I should ask for my money back."
I laugh.
"So on a scale of one to ten how bad has this interview been?" I ask
He laughs again "Well crap but I have been brought five beers. Unfortunately I get the feeling Ted still expects me to be making sense."
"Yes he has weird ideas about thing like that." I admit.
He looks around surreptitiously and whispers, "My first interview lasted two hours and the first hour was just Ted telling me about his own CV. I felt like thanking him and saying he had the job."
"An hour of his CV? And you came back? Why?" I ask.
He blushes and says sheepishly, "My recruitment consultant told me there would be free drinks."

I like him!

How I scored points :

• Being cute - 1 point
  
• Being cute enough that I saw Jamie look annoyed when we were talking - HA - 1 point
  
• Making fun of Ted - 1 Point
  
• Making fun of Ted again - 1 Point
  
• Admitting he only came to the interview for free drinks - 1 Point
  
• Blushing - 1 Point

Alcoholic interviews part one - One vodka and tonic later

Well to kick things off with a flying start Ted invited both candidates along at the same time. I knew he couldn't get it right for very long.

“Er you didn’t want to keep them separate?” I ask. Rob raises his eyebrows at this.
“No.” Says Ted, “I thought it would save time and money to do it all in one go.”
“But don’t you think they might feel a bit awkward knowing they are both competing for the same job?” Rob asks tactfully.
Ted frowns and the looks up brightening. “We could sell it like X factor, competing for one spot.”

What planet does this man live on?
Rob and I exchange dubious looks.
“Ted this is a junior sales position not a record contract.” I point out gently

Ted looks confused. “And?”
“God were you out for pizza when tact was handed out?” I say.

I know he is my boss and I should not lose my temper but.... the man is an idiot. I roll my eyes and turn to Rob who is laughing
Rob nudges me and says “Er Kate you were probably out when they were giving us tact too.”
“Yeah but at least I stuck around for brains rather than asking for excess nasal hair.” I retort.

Note to self - before making mean remarks about your boss - check said boss is not standing right behind you. Luckily I am saved by one of our interviewees arriving. A rather scared looking young guy who seems shyer than I would expect a sales guy to be. Seconds later the other candidate turns up, a girl who seems quite fun and outgoing but laughs like Janice from friends.

Who do you think we should vote?

Man trouble and blind drunk interview techniques

Today has not been good. I should have stayed in bed.

Things that make a bad Tuesday:

• Running out of tea bags without caffeine I am neither pleasant nor useful)
  
• Falling over when getting off the bus
  
• Ripping stockings in said fall and having to spend £7 on new ones
  
• The fact that I made myself bleed in the fall
  
• The lack of sympathy from my workmates
  
• Ted looking at me and saying "You look TERRIBLE Kate."
  
• Jamie's new girlfriend

I know I shouldn't be jealous. We are just friends. Who flirt and text occasionally thats it. But he is being so annoying. If I hear one more word about his hot date tonight I might accidently spill tea on him.

I decide that revenge flirting is promptly needed. I consider calling Chris the sweet journalist. Then I remember my last attempt at flirting with him nearly lead to a restraining order.

I sigh - maybe this is a good thing I can stop having mixed feelings for a colleague and yet knowing I should not act on it. It will be a good thing. This is a good day. Then just when I perk up one the elastic in one of my stockings promptly snaps. Making a noise. While I am wearing a short skirt.

Yes having hosiery fall off your leg must be as bad as it gets...

"Katie?" Ted calls "Did I tell you that you need to give a presentation in the meeting on Friday?"

Kill me now...

Miracles can happen - Ted does something good!

I mentioned a few entries back that Jack was on probation. Well Jack has now found another job paying him 5k more and is buggering off at the end of the week. Nice one Jack!

In light of this Ted has been panicking about being a salesman down and is finally doing some serious interviewing. Between this and our planned office move happening next Friday work has been well and truly relegated

Ted has been interview various people to replace Jack and hearing his opinions is hilarious. The first "Young chap" he interviewed was "Very green, not at all what we need in a fast paced company."
"But I thought he was interviewing to work here." I respond
"Do you have listed on your CV under special skills being a complete smart arse Kate?" He says but with a grin.
"Better smart than dumb" I say.
Ted laughs. "I think I'm calling that one a draw Kate." He says.
"Spoken like a true loser." I tell him. I know I am pushing it but he is in a jolly mood as he has found two potentials so I think I can get away with what he calls "The banter"
I won't correct him and call it "the truth.

Ted has asked Jamie to come and help on the interview process but Jamie is a bit worried about losing all his sales. With Jack on the way out he still needs to hit his targets if he is going to buy us all a drink (He lost a bet with Rob)

Ted suggest that perhaps a good way of seeing if the potential candidate fits in is taking him and us to the pub after work one night. And buying all our drinks until 8pm

The man is a genius! First office/pub interview is tomorrow evening.

Here you are - sit next to me

So we are back to work - or at least some form of work. Sales calls are made, marketing letters are created, printers are kicked.

Everything with Jamie and Rob is back to normal or at least as normal as the pair of them ever get. They are closer than ever but they have started lots of new competitions. So far we have had the sensible who can get the most sales in that afternoon - an activity that Ted approves of greatly to who can fit the most scotch eggs in their mouth. That was pretty grim. There is talk of who can drink the most later on the week. That could be interesting especially as it is Ethans birthday tomorrow.

Ted meanwhile has spent the last few days making various new seating charts for downstairs with changes and amendments along the way. And absolutely nothing else.

"I've finally got a good seating plan." He tells me proudly. "What do you think."
"Very nice." I say unconvincingly while looking down at my work. I am totally swamped today and really don't have time for Ted.
Ted looks at me and says, "Come now Kate I want you to be 100% honest so I know everyone is happy."
I sigh, "You know it is never a good idea to ask me to be 100% honest Ted."
He looks irritated and snaps, "Just tell me what you think."
"Fine." I say. "I think this seriously took two days of work. It's a damn seating plan!"
I see his ears go a little red and him take a breathe.
"So you don't care where you sit then?"
"Not especially." I respond carelessly.
"Thats good." He says with an evil grin, "Because you and I are sharing a desk."

I can't believe it. Ted got me!

Do not crap where you eat or in my case work

So Rob and I are back to normal. It's hard to stay mad at him he is too annoyingly charming.

Things with Jamie are more difficult.
We had to work together today on creating a new sales brochure for him. I suggest a few ideas and he grunts. I ask his opinion and he monotones that whatever I think is fine.

This is not fun. After half an hour of working with a brick wall next to me I suggest I might get further doing this by myself. He mutters " you might prefer to ask Rob."

I glare at him, "Grow the hell up Jamie, there is nothing going on with me and him or me and you. I like men." Cheap shot I know but seriously...

He narrows his eyes at me
"Oh my apologies Kathryn."
I glare as him I hate being called Kathryn and he knows it. "No problem Gaymie."
This is the reason you shouldn't flirt with your workmates - it makes us act like children.

After we finish up I gather all the information up and stalk towards to lift. And promotly fall over into it. Jamie immediate dashes in with a concerned "Are you okay Katie?" and helps me up.
"I'm fine." I say blushing "Just clumsy."
I don't say anything for a moment and then look at him. He smiles shyly at me.
"So are we okay Kate?"
I smile hooray I finally found an advantage to my ability to fall over a spec of dust!
He grins. "Don't worry if I try and hit on you again I'lll wait until you are drunker."

Er is that a good thing?

I am sulking until you make me tea

(Sorry I meant to post this Monday but I am completely computer inept!)

It's Monday and my many reasons to be grumpy include:

• I overslept this morning. (worse than usual)
  
• I have mad hair seriously I look like the victim of a power surge. Must get a hair cut.
  
• I am still annoyed at two of my workmates for the events of Friday.
  
• Ted "hem heming" when I arrive and pointing at his watch. (Admitedly it is half nine and I am half an hour late.
  
• The office is still not switching the heating on and I am freezing.
  
• I think my pants show through this skirt.

Great.

I arrive and plan to make my know to both Rob and Jamie. Instead of a good morning I shot both of them my best evil stare.
"Morning Kate" Ethan says and I glare at him as well - oops
"Something in your eye?" He responds. I sulk.

Ted has been very busy today trying to decicde where we are all going to sit when we make the move downstairs. He mentions that he wants me to be in the hub of the sales team. I mutter that I hope I don't catch anything Rob sniggers and my inbox pings a second later.

"You still mad at me? I'll make you tea if you lighten up."

I reply
"Tea is a start"

He reponds,
"I'll put the kettle on - by the way can I be Butthead? I just don't feel like a Beavis."
I evil stare him again.

My email pings once more and says

"Open your top draw."
I do and find a huge bar of chocolate. I don't like chocolate but the thought is sweet.

He pings again with
"Forgiven."

I laugh.

The next email says
"Thank God. Your evils are seriously crap."

Hmmmmph

I have a very sore head....

Ouch my head hurts....maybe this post should be renamed reasons why trying to be nice is a bad idea.

Well I feel awful and have limited memory of last night. Note to self must learn to say no. I was tempted to call in sick today but decided to come in and face the music.

I arrive pale and wearing sunglasses (only ten minutes late so progress) and attempt to smile. If you are smiley you can't possibly be hung-over right?

Jamie keeps giving me funny looks making me paranoid, my hair is curlier than usual hair and I am makeup free. While I don’t wear makeup everyday I tend to skip if hung-over. Bad idea as I am looking suspiciously flushed today and I keep blushing under Jamie’s scrutiny.

“Late one last night Kate?” Jamie says accusingly.

I blush and stammer something noncommittal. Must get through this day must get through this day.

I make it to lunch without being sick or saying anything stupid. Mostly managed by not speaking though I answer the phone once with the wrong company name. I don’t think anyone noticed.

At lunch I go and get a huge coffee and look at my phone - I have a text from Rob saying “Thx for being so lovely last night”

Back in the office I smile at him in what I hope is a reassuring way butnon flirtatious way. I like that he trusts me I just wish I could remember more about what happened. I remember telling him something about my on/off (currently off) boyfriend which is embarrassing. Plus I am having weird flashbacks which makes me think he might have made a move.

At the end of the day the guys suggest coming out. I refuse. Well done Kate I think.

After work I get a text from Jamie saying: “What’s happening with u & Rob???”

I also get a text from Rob saying: “Are you and Jamie involved?”
Oh crap...I respond to both saying no.

I then get identical clearly drunk texts from them a few hours later saying "If you choose between me and Rob/Jamie which one? drink Monday? xxx”

Great I appear to have ended up as the prize in a male pissing competition.

I reply saying "Dear Beavis/Butthead - sleep it off"

It’s going to be a bad Monday.




eyecream.org

Workmates with girl trouble and too much tequilla

Time for the updates on last night and the biggest revelation - Rob has a sensitive side. Seriously - who knew?

In all seriousness poor Rob is going through a really hard time. It turns out his on off girlfriend is now off for good. Apparently Rob realised she was waiting for him to commit to something serious. Realising he didn't feel the same way he decided his only option was to call it off. I mentally melted at this - bad boy with a sensitive side - focus Kate you are here to listen and be sympathetic.

I encourage him to keep talking and after a few more drinks Rob looks distinctly teary. I feel horrible I never realised he was going through such a bad time and whenever I see anyone cry it always makes me cry. I give him a hug and tell him that he did the right thing. If it was me I would rather he was honest - at least it would let me be free to get over him and find someone else.

He sighs and says he wishes he could love her and he has really tried to feel more than he does but can't. He asks me if I think he is too shallow and admits he doesn't think he has ever been in love and is worried he won't ever be.

"I'm thirty two." He says. "I should be thinking about settling down and having children. Is there something wrong with me?"

I feel so bad for him and I give him a big hug. I tell him he will find the right person and he has done the right thing.

Rob laughs self consciously and thanks me for listening to him - "I can't talk to many people" He admits.

I smile and tell him anytime although in all honesty I am not sure how great I am being. Occasional hugs and arm patting is about all I have managed.

Rob suggests we get more drinks in and when i get back from the toilet I find him with two drinks and a shot of tequila each. I get the feeling my reward for listening to him is going to be one hell of a hangover tomorrow

Thaw

Fiona Robyn is going to blog her next novel, Thaw, starting on the 1st of March next year. The novel follows 32 year old Ruth’s diary over three months as she decides whether or not to carry on living.

To help spread the word she’s organising a Blogsplash, where blogs will publish the first page of Ruth’s diary simultaneously (and a link to the blog).

She’s aiming to get 1000 blogs involved – if you’d be interested in joining the splash, email her at fiona@fionarobyn.com or find out more information here.
http://www.fionarobyn.com/thawblogsplash.htm

Thank you!

Welcome to the basement goodbye sun...

So we are moving office....

Ted emerged today puffed up and asked for complete silence as he had something of the utmost importance to tell us. (I think it rather spoilt the effect that Andi had told me and Jamie yesterday.)

"We are all moving to the basement except accounts and Jay. This move will allow us to have more space and will bring sales and marketing closer." I frown I rather like my position far enough away from Ted that I don't feel the need to kill him yet....

As Andi made me and Jamie promise not to tell anyone (I didn't - he told Rob) and act surprised I let out a loud gasp
work
Ted shouts me a glare - "Enough of the sarcasm thank you Kathryn"

Oops I may have overdone that and since when does he call me Kathryn?
Oh right.

After the nightmare that was my fathers phone call on Mondays revealing my childish nickname of Cactus we started talking about our names. Me and Rob are both only ever called our full names when we have done something very bad. Apparently Ted while not participating in the conversation was listening. Oops

I have been worried about Rob this week - he hasn't been his normal self - even messing with my phone on Monday doesn't seem to have made him as smiley as it would usually. Rob could charm the birds from the trees usually so it is strange to see him looking gloomy.

I email him and ask if he is okay.

He replies saying no and would I come for a quick drink with him tonight as he could use a friendly ear and decent listener. He asks that I don't tell Jamie and it is just the two of us.

This seems so unlike him - I agree immediately and hope I can help.

At the end of the day Jamie asks me what I am doing and I reply that I am not sure. He asks if I will be around for a drink nd I say no. Unfortunately I am a terrible liar and I think my flaming cheeks are giving me away. Luckily he leaves - a bit huffily and once the coast is clear Rob and I head to the usual place.

Never give parents your work number

The first Monday since Jim finished. Sigh. Ted is officially in charge now and so far so bad

I arrive in the office (9:20am) and sneak inconspicuously towards my desk. If I tiptoe no one will notice I am late. Jamie rolls his eyes when he sees me.

Still I don't think Ted noticed. In fact he doesn't appear to be here, nor does Andi. "They are in a meeting with Jay." Rob says guessing what I was thinking. I hate it when he does that.
"What is the meeting about?" I ask
"Timekeeping." Rob says and then bursts out laughing.
"I hate you." I say blushing.

I go up and make tea for the group. It's my penance for being late.

When I get back to me desk Jack Ethan and Rob are crowded around it playing with me phone. It is now on loudspeaker and no one can seem to change this. Great.

At that point my phone rings - I shush the guys so I can sound professional on my call.

"Good Morning Small Anonymous Publishing company, Kate speaking" I say in my best posh voice
"Cactus! Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy Birthday dear Katie happy birthday to you!" Sings my dad down the phone.
Oh God I think I might die.
"Er thanks Dad." I say, "But it’s not my birthday today it's Emma's" (my sister)

Note to self - giving parents your work number is a bad idea.

Email truth or dare - inappropriate?

It's been a quiet afternoon.

Jim went home early (he's been doing that a lot since he quit - Jim I am the queen of headache excuses and I know you are faking) and Ted has been blustering through a series of phone calls with limited sucess. By limited I mean no sucess.

Jamie emails a few of us suggesting we liven things up with a few office games. The few us of silly enough to agree at now getting strange looks from the the rest of the office. Joe has looked over with a confused look more than once and May has sent me an email with the words "Behave Katie!" written in them.

May is lovely but a few years older than me and I seem to have tapped into her protective side. She told me yesterday she worries about me getting into trouble with the boys. I don't like to tell her I have been getting into trouble with various boys for several years now. Besides her intentions are good and I like her.

So far this afternoons games start tamely, pass the cough, secret Mexican wave calling Ted's phone surrepticiously from one of our mobiles and then hanging up when he answers, calling Ted's phone from the toilets and asking to order pizza, after the last one of those I saw the ears go purple again so suggested we moved on. It moved on to clothes swapping. This involves us all emailing a number between one and ten to Ethan who is acting as ref and the two closest numbers going to the toilets and coming back wearing an article of each others clothes.

So far I am wearing a bracelet of Andi's Jamies tie and one of Rob's socks. Rob is standing out the most in one of my stockings and Jamies shirt.

I really hope management can't read our email accounts and Ted stays so utterly oblivious...

I need to learn to be nice or at least civil to my boss....

So poor old Jack. Not for struggling with the job but for being on the receiving end of an email like that.

I feel I might not have helped matters. Ted asks me if I had seen the email
"Yes." I say. "Wow I hope if I fall out of favour by that time we can afford to broadcast it on TV or at the very least webcam."
Ted glares at me. "That wasn't the case and you know it Kate."
I smile at him, "Do you think I could borrow a pen?" I ask, "I was going to give you my parents and grandparents emails so you can CC them if you decide to fire me. If only Jack had thought of that."

Oh crap his ears are going red - never a good sign
“Not fired but helped to find a more suitable career.” Ted retorts, “Anyway don’t you think things in a small office should be transparent without secrecy?”

“Maybe.” I respond, “So as we are being open what’s your salary and bonus?”

Okay may have crossed a line the ears actually turning purple now - shut up Kate shut up.

Ted storms off and I try to remind myself that thinking before opening my mouth is a good idea. Actually this shouldn’t just apply to work...

Jamie and Rob both burst out laughing as soon as Ted leaves the office and Rob gives me an appraising look. “You’re never going to be a yes man are you Katie?”

Perhaps not but when I do say something nice they know I mean it. Surely that counts for something. And I am a terrible liar so why bother....

Ted returns noticably calmer and gives me a slightly amused smile. Phew in the spirit of being a good employee I make him a cup of tea. Cups of tea solve everything right?

Must be nice today must be nice...